sync from head

5 files changed, 6 insertions, 17170 deletions

diff --git a/games/fortune/datfiles/Makefile b/games/fortune/datfiles/Makefile
index 100182f5606a..bf13182924dc 100644
--- a/games/fortune/datfiles/Makefile
+++ b/games/fortune/datfiles/Makefile
@@ -1,37 +1,22 @@
 #	@(#)Makefile	8.2 (Berkeley) 4/19/94
 # $FreeBSD$
 
-FILES=	fortunes freebsd-tips murphy startrek zippy
-BLDS=	fortunes.dat murphy.dat startrek.dat zippy.dat \
-	fortunes-o fortunes-o.dat freebsd-tips.dat
+DB=	fortunes freebsd-tips murphy startrek zippy
 
 # TO AVOID INSTALLING THE POTENTIALLY OFFENSIVE FORTUNES, COMMENT OUT THE
-# THREE LINES AND UNCOMMENT THE FOURTH LINE.
+# NEXT LINE.
+DB+=	limerick murphy-o gerrold.limerick
 
-# THE THREE LINES:
-FILES+=	limerick murphy-o gerrold.limerick
-BLDS+=	limerick.dat murphy-o.dat gerrold.limerick.dat
-TYPE=	real
-
-# THE FOURTH LINE:
-#TYPE=	fake
-
-FILES+=	${BLDS}
+BLDS=	${DB:S/$/.dat/}
+FILES=	${DB} ${BLDS}
 CLEANFILES+=${BLDS}
 
 FILESDIR=	${SHAREDIR}/games/fortune
 
-.for f in fortunes freebsd-tips gerrold.limerick limerick murphy murphy-o startrek zippy
+.for f in ${DB}
 $f.dat: $f
 	PATH=$$PATH:/usr/games:${.OBJDIR}/../strfile \
 	    strfile -Cs ${.ALLSRC} ${.TARGET}
 .endfor
 
-fortunes-o.dat: fortunes-o
-	PATH=$$PATH:/usr/games:${.OBJDIR}/../strfile \
-	    strfile -Csx ${.ALLSRC} ${.TARGET}
-
-fortunes-o: fortunes-o.${TYPE}
-	LC_ALL=C tr a-zA-Z n-za-mN-ZA-M < ${.ALLSRC} > ${.TARGET}
-
 .include <bsd.prog.mk>
diff --git a/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.fake b/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.fake
deleted file mode 100644
index 3b3f5a3d6fe7..000000000000
--- a/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.fake
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1,2 +0,0 @@
-There are no potentially offensive fortunes installed on this
-system.  For further details, contact your system administrator.
diff --git a/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.real b/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.real
deleted file mode 100644
index 851a439c8c7e..000000000000
--- a/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.real
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1,15437 +0,0 @@
-%% $FreeBSD$
-%
-						PLAYGIRL, Inc.
-						Philadelphia, Pa.  19369
-Dear Sir:
-	Your name has been submitted to us with your photo.  I regret to
-inform you that we will be unable to use your body in our centerfold.  On
-a scale of one to ten, your body was rated a minus two by a panel of women
-ranging in age from 60 to 75 years.  We tried to assemble a panel in the
-age bracket of 25 to 35 years, but we could not get them to stop laughing
-long enough to reach a decision.  Should the taste of the American woman
-ever change so drastically that bodies such as yours would be appropriate
-in our magazine, you will be notified by this office.  Please, don't call
-us.
-	Sympathetically,
-	Amanda L. Smith
-
-p.s.	We also want to commend you for your unusual pose.  Were you
-	wounded in the war, or do you ride your bike a lot?
-%
-					MOUNTIES:
-I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK,		He's a lumberjack and he's OK,
-I sleep all night and I work all day.	He sleeps all night and he works
-					all day.
-
-I cut down trees, I eat my lunch,	He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch,
-I go to the lavatory.			He goes to the lavatory.
-On Wednesday I go shopping,		On Wednesday he goes shopping,
-And have buttered scones for tea.	And has buttered scones for tea.
-
-I cut down trees, I skip and jump,	He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps,
-I like to press wild flowers,		He likes to press wild flowers.
-I put on women's clothing,		He puts on women's clothing,
-And hang around in bars.		And hangs around in bars.
-
-I cut down trees, I wear high heels,	He cuts down trees, he wears high heels,
-Suspenders and a bra.			Suspenders?  and a bra?
-I wish I'd been a girlie,		That's rude...
-Just like my dear Pappa.
-%
-				FROM THE DESK OF
-				Snow White
-
-Dear Snow White:
-
-	Thanks for last night.
-
-		Sleepy, Doc, Grumpy, Sneezy, Happy, Dopey, Bashful
-%
-		LEPROSY
-Leprosy, all my skin is falling off of me.
-I'm not half the man I used to be.
-Oh, how did I get leprosy?
-
-Syphilis, it all started with a simple kiss.
-Now it even hurts to take a piss.
-Oh why did I get syphilis?
-
-Why'd she have VD?  I don't know, she wouldn't say.
-I did something wrong, now I long for yesterday ...
-		-- To the tune of "Yesterday"
-%
-		My Favorite Drugs [Sung to My Favorite Things]
-Reefers and roach clips and papers and rollers
-Cocaine and procaine for twenty year molars
-Reds and peyote to work out your bugs
-These are a few of my favorite drugs.
-
-Uppers and downers and methedrine freakout
-Take some amphetamines, watch your brains leak out
-Acid and mescaline pull out your plugs
-These are a few of my favorite drugs.
-
-Backs that are perfect for carrying monkeys
-Users of heroin, often called junkies
-Methadone helps then to stop being thugs
-Takes them off one of my favorite drugs.
-
-	On a bad trip
-	When the cops come
-	When I lose my head
-	I simply take more of my favorite drugs
-	And then I'm not sad -- I'm dead!
-%
-		NEW ADDITION TO THE LIBRARY:
-"Sally", the department's new inflatable doll, is available on a
-short-term removal basis only -- please sign her out and return her
-promptly to avoid extended waits.  (We are still awaiting shipment of
-our "Big John" doll.)
-%
-		The Snack
-Oh my God, screamed Mommy, You went and ate the Baby.
-
-What baby? asked Daddy.  You know that's just the last of the leftover donkey.
-
-Donkey, my ass! said Mommy with some sentience.  Do you think I don't
-	recognize my own baby?  Why I can still see his little privates
-	caught in the gap between your front teeth.  How many times have
-	I told you to take only what's on the *top* two shelves of the freezer?
-
-But there wasn't a thing to eat, cried Daddy.
-	And am I not the master of my own?
-
-Nothing to eat?
-	What about the elephant testicles in aspic that I put up for you
-	just last week in the ball jar?  Our very first baby, too, wailed
-	Mommy, that I was saving for Christmas dinner.
-
-Testicles, testicles, said Daddy.  A man gets tired of testicles.
-		-- L.L. Zeiger
-%
-	... But among the children of the Great Society there were
-those whose skins were black.  And lo!  Their portion was niggardly,
-and of the fatted calf they were sucking hind teat ...
-	Now it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and
-they called him King.  And he went unto Pharaoh and said, "Let my
-people go to the front of the bus."
-	But Pharaoh answered: "In the fullness of time and with all
-deliberate speed shall this thing come to pass.  When ye shall prove
-yourselves worthy, shall ye have your just portion -- yea, verily, like
-unto a snowball in Hell."
-		-- "The Begatting of a President"
-%
-	A bear and a rabbit are taking a crap in the woods.  The bear looks
-over at the rabbit and asks, "Say, does shit ever stick to your fur?"
-	"No."
-	So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.
-%
-	A business executive is consumed by jealousy: he suspects his wife
-of cheating on him.  The suspicion grows and grows, and one morning as he
-drives to work he can't take it any more.  He thinks to himself, "she
-probably just waited until I left so she could meet with her lover."
-	When he gets to his office, he calls home.  The maid answers.  He
-says, "Hello.  Is my wife there?"
-	"Yes, sir", the maid whispers.
-	"Is she with her lover?"
-	The maid pauses, and then says, "Yes, sir, she is, and I must say
-that I feel terrible about how she treats you."
-	The man yells, "That no good **#*&!!.  If you feel as badly as you
-say you do, you must do this for me: go to my dresser and get my gun.  Check
-to make sure that it's loaded.  Then go upstairs and shoot both that cheating
-two-timing whore and her lover.  Dispose of the gun, and then come back to
-the phone and tell me that it's over.  Don't worry -- I'll protect you."
-The man hears footsteps, a drawer being opened, a click, more footsteps,
-silence... and then two shots.  More footsteps.  Finally the maid comes back
-to the phone and says "It's done."
-	The man asks, "What did you do with the gun?"
-	"I threw it behind the statue in the garden", the maid replies.
-	"Statue in the garden?  Say, what number is this, anyway?"
-%
-	A cowboy, his horse and his dog were captured by hostile Indians.
-This wasn't really a problem for the animals as the Indians can always use
-them, but the cowboy is informed that he will be burned at the stake the
-following sunrise.  That evening, the Indian chief tells the cowboy that
-he can one last wish, within reason, of course, before meeting his fate
-the following morning.  The cowboy replies that all he really wants is to
-see his faithful dog, Rex, one last time.  When the dog is brought by the
-Indians, the cowboy hugs his companion and whispers something into his ear.
-At once the dog runs off over the hill.  Amazingly enough, a few hours later,
-he returns, accompanied by some two dozen prostitutes from a nearby town.
-Needless to say, the braves are delighted and as a reward offer the cowboy
-his dog to keep him company through the rest of the night.  When the dog is
-brought forth the cowboy again runs his hand over Rex's head and then bends
-down to whisper into his ear: "This may be my last chance, Rex, so get it
-right this time -- go into town and get the posse!"
-%
-	A farmer decides that his three sows should be bred, and contacts a
-buddy down the road, who owns several boars.  They agree on a stud fee, and
-the farmer puts the sows in his pickup and takes them down the road to the
-boars.  He leaves them all day, and when he picks them up that night, asks
-the man how he can tell if it "took" or not.  The breeder replies that if,
-the next morning, the sows were grazing on grass, they were pregnant, but if
-they were rolling in the mud as usual, they probably weren't.
-	Comes the morn, the sows are rolling in the mud as usual, so the
-farmer puts them in the truck and brings them back for a second full day of
-frolic.  This continues for a week, since each morning the sows are rolling
-in the mud.
-	Around the sixth day, the farmer wakes up and tells his wife, "I
-don't have the heart to look again.  This is getting ridiculous.  You check
-today."  With that, the wife peeks out the bedroom window and starts to laugh.
-	"What is it?" asks the farmer excitedly.  "Are they grazing at last?"
-	"Nope." replies his wife.  "Two of them are jumping up and down in
-the back of your truck, and the other one is honking the horn!"
-%
-	A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did
-for a living.  "Tim, you be first," she said.  "What does your mother do
-all day?"
-	Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
-	"That's wonderful.  How about you, Amie?"
-	Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a
-mailman."
-	"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher.  "What about your father, Billy?"
-	Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a
-whorehouse."
-	The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.
-Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell.  Billy's father
-answered the door.  The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded
-an explanation.
-	Billy's father replied, "Well, I'm really an attorney.  But how do
-you explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old child?"
-%
-	A great American Olympic wrestler was receiving last-minute advice
-from his coach about the upcoming match with the Soviet Champion.
-	"This Russian guy is really good, very strong and quick.  But I think
-you can take him.  Remember, though, like I've told you before, don't let
-him get you in the Pretzel hold.  With his strength you'd never get out."
-	The American leaps onto the mat, and within moments the two behemoths
-are going crazy, struggling to get each other pinned.  The American slowly
-gains ground and appears that he might actually win on points alone, when, in
-the blink of an eye, the Russian reverses him and whips him into the fatal
-Pretzel hold.
-	The coach, off by the side, shakes his head in dismay, and sits down
-on the bench with his head between his hands.  All of a sudden, there's a
-scream and the two wrestlers fly apart, the American regaining control and
-pinning the Russian.  After the match, in the dressing room, the coach
-finally gets the winner alone.  "Great job!  But how the hell did you get out
-of the Pretzel Hold?  I thought it was over for sure!"
-	"Well, I did too.  I was in the hold, about to be pinned, when I saw
-this huge pair of testicles hanging right in front of my eyes.  I figured
-what the hell, so I stretched forward and bit them as hard as I could.  Coach,
-you just don't know your own strength 'til you've bitten your own balls!"
-%
-	A group of soldiers being prepared for a practice landing on a tropical
-island were warned of the one danger the island held, a poisonous snake that
-could be readily identified by its alternating orange and black bands.  They
-were instructed, should they find one of these snakes, to grab the tail end of
-the snake with one hand and slide the other hand up the body of the snake to
-the snake's head.  Then, forcefully, bend the thumb above the snake's head
-downward to break the snake's spine.  All went well for the landing, the
-charge up the beach, and the move into the jungle.  At one foxhole site, two
-men were starting to dig and wondering what had happened to their partner.
-Suddenly he staggered out of the underbrush, uniform in shreds, covered with
-blood.  He collapsed to the ground.  His buddies were so shocked they could
-only blurt out, "What happened?"
-	"I ran from the beachhead to the edge of the jungle, and, as I hit the
-ground, I saw an orange and black striped snake right in front of me.  I
-grabbed its tail end with my left hand.  I placed my right hand above my left
-hand.  I held firmly with my left hand and slid my right hand up the body of
-the snake.  When I reached the head of the snake I flicked my right thumb down
-to break the snake's spine... did you ever goose a tiger?"
-%
-	A guy finishes his 9 to 5, but, instead of going straight home, stops
-in at a local bar for a drink.  He gets his beer, turns around to sit down,
-and finds himself face to face with a ravishing blonde.  The two strike up a
-conversation, and really hit it off.  After a couple drinks they leave the bar
-go back to her pad, to peruse her etchings.  Which doesn't take long -- by
-seven they were happily engaged in intimate scratching.
-	'Round about midnight the guy rolled over in bed and spotted the clock:
-"Midnight!  Already!  I gotta get home!  Honey, you have any baby powder?"
-He jumps out of bed and starts pulling his pants on, trying to find his shoes.
-	"Baby powder?" she asks.  But she comes back from the bathroom and
-hands him the powder.  He frantically shakes it all over his hands, kisses her
-goodbye, and runs out the front door.
-	He gets home, and sure enough, there's his wife, waiting in the
-doorway.
-	"Okay," she mutters, "let's have it."
-	"Well," he says sheepishly, looking down at his feet.  "Okay.  I went
-to a bar after work and met a gorgeous blonde and we really hit it off.  We
-had a few drinks and went back to her place, and well, see..."
-	"Oh yeah?" she says, "let me see your hands...  Don't you lie to me!
-You've been bowling again!"
-%
-	A guy returns from a long trip to Europe, having left his beloved
-dog in his brother's care.  The minute he's cleared customs, he calls up his
-brother and inquires after his pet.
-	"Your dog's dead," replies his brother bluntly.
-	The guy is devastated.  "You know how much that dog meant to me,"
-he moaned into the phone.  "Couldn't you at least have thought of a nicer way
-of breaking the news?  Couldn't you have said, `Well, you know, the dog got
-outside one day, and was crossing the street, and a car was speeding around a
-corner...' or something...?  Why are you always so thoughtless?"
-	"Look, I'm sorry," said his brother, "I guess I just didn't think."
-	"Okay, okay, let's just put it behind us.  How are you anyway?
-How's Mom?"
-	His brother is silent a moment.  "Uh," he stammers, "uh... Mom got
-outside one day..."
-%
-	A guy walks into a pub and asks: "Does anyone here own a Doberman?
-I feel really bad about this, but my Chihuahua just killed it."
-	A man leaps to his feet and replies, "Yes, I do, but how can that
-be?  I raised that dog from a pup to be a vicious killer."
-	"Yes, well, that's all well and good," replied the first, "but my
-dog's stuck in its throat."
-%
-	A man came home from work and as he entered the house he yelled,
-"Hi, honey, I'm home."
-	There was no response.  He walked through the house and saw a note
-on the refrigerator. It read "I'm out with the girls and I'll be home about
-8.  Either fix yourself something to eat, or wait for me and we'll eat when
-I get home."
-	Well, he decided to wait until his wife returned.  However, his
-stomach started to growl and he remembered that he had an apple left over
-from his lunch.  He got the apple, polished it a little, and heard the
-doorbell ring.  He went to the door and there stood a little blond haired
-girl holding out a little paper bag.  "Trick or treat", she said.
-	He looked at the girl, looked at the apple, thought how hungry he
-was, looked at the girl again, and with a slight sigh dropped his apple in
-the bag.  The little girl looked down in the bag, looked up again, and
-complained, "You stupid son-of-a-bitch.  You broke my cookies!"
-%
-	A man dies and is getting his tour of heaven.  His guide is pointing
-out the various features and landmarks when the man asks, "What's that cliff?"
-	"Oh, you don't want to look down there.  That's hell!"
-	The man creeps up to the edge and looks over.  He sees lush, green
-valleys, verdant farmland and trees everywhere.  "This doesn't look so bad,"
-he says.
-	Puzzled, the guide comes over and looks down.  "Damn!" he snaps,
-"Those Mormons have been irrigating again!"
-%
-	A man sank into the psychiatrist's couch and said, "I have a
-terrible problem, Doctor.  I have a son at Harvard and another son at
-Princeton; I've just gifted each of them with a new Ferrari; I've got
-homes in Beverly Hills, Palm Beach, and a co-op in New York; and I've
-got a thriving ranch in Venezuela.  My wife is a gorgeous young actress
-who considers my two mistresses to be her best friends."
-	The psychiatrist looked at the patient, confused.  "Did I miss
-something?  It sounds to me like you have no problems at all."
-	"But, Doctor, I only make $175 a week."
-%
-	A man walks into a bar and orders 3 shots and 3 beers.  The
-bartender, seeing that the man is distraught, asks what the problem is.
-	"I just found out that my brother is gay", he replies.
-	About a week later, the same man walks in and orders 6 shots and
-6 chasers.  So the bartender inquires, "What's wrong this time?"
-	To which the man says, "I just found out that two of my brothers
-are lovers."
-	Another week goes by and the man comes back to the bar and orders
-NINE shots and NINE beers.  The bartenders says "Damn, boy, doesn't anyone
-in your family like pussy?"
-	"Yeah.  Me and my sister."
-%
-	A man walks into a bar and says: "I'd like a shot of twelve-year-old
-Scotch".  The bartender, who figures the guy is just being obnoxious, reaches
-down under the bar and pours him a shot of bar Scotch.  The man takes one sip
-and says: "Hey, bartender, I asked you for some twelve-year-old Scotch -- this
-is eight-year-old Scotch."
-	The bartender reaches behind the bar for the twelve-year-old Scotch,
-pours a shot, hands it to the man and says "I've got to hand it to you --
-most guys who come in here asking for twelve-year-old Scotch have never even
-had it -- they're just being pricks.  But you really know your Scotch -- this
-is on the house."
-	A drunk has been sitting at the other end of the bar watching this
-conversation.  He walks up to the man, hands him a glass and says "Taste this."
-The man does -- and spits it out yelling, "This tastes like piss!"  To which
-the drunk replies, "It is -- but how old am I?"
-%
-	A man walks into a bar with a Leprechaun on his shoulder.  He walks
-up to the bar and sits down, ordering a beer for himself and one for the
-little Leprechaun.
-	After a few beers, the Leprechaun jumps down off the guy's shoulder,
-struts down the bar and comes to a stop in front of a rather large construction
-worker.  Looking the guy right in the eye, he gives him a rather large, damp,
-Bronx cheer.  And trots back to sit on his buddy's shoulder.  The worker is
-pretty upset, but decides to shine on this rather offensive breach of manners.
-	After another beer and a half though, the Leprechaun hops down and
-walks over to his previous victim and goes "PPPPHHHHHHHBBBBTTTTTT" again.
-Well, that's too much, and the victim knocks the Leprechaun off the bar and,
-after walking over to stand very close to the Leprechaun's escort, tells him
-in a rather overloud voice, that if it happens again, he's going to "cut off
-his little dick!"
-	Replies the escort, "Leprechauns don't have dicks."
-	"Yeah?  Well, then," asks the big man, how does he take a piss?"
-	"PPPPHHHHHHHBBBBTTTTTT!!!!"
-%
-	A man was just settling down into his seat for a cross-country
-flight when he noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him, wearing a
-large button with the letters "NAA" on it.
-	"What's that?" he asked, pointing to her button.
-	"Nymphomaniacs Association of America" she replied.
-	After a moments thought he said, "Well, if you wouldn't mind my
-asking, but I've always wanted to know, who are the best, ummm, `endowed'
-men?"
-	"Well, it's not what you think.  Native Americans.  They're better
-hung than *anybody*."
-	"And is it true that the French are the best lovers?"
-	"No, Jewish men.  Once you finally get them going they can last
-all night.  By the way, my name is Sue.  What's yours?"
-	"Running Bear Sheldon."
-%
-	A man was traveling cross-country one summer from New York to LA.
-He arrived in Needles, CA late one night and pulled into an Exxon for some
-gas.  When he pulled up to the gas pumps, he noticed that all of the lights
-were off.  Suddenly, he heard a faint sound from outside.  He wasn't sure
-what he'd heard, so he rolled down his window and heard a faint cry,
-"Help... help... help".  He got out of his car, and sure enough there was
-a guy stooped down in the corner, stark naked with his wrists tied to his
-ankles.  He walked up to the guy and said, "Hey, man, what happened to you?"
-	"These guys pulled me out of my car, took my money, my wallet, my
-clothes, tied my wrists to my ankles, and then stole my car!!"
-	"Damn!", replied the first man as he unzipped his pants.  "This just
-hasn't been your day, has it?"
-%
-	A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged.  Well, this
-particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the
-man's penis.  Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very
-fancy restaurant.  After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants,
-felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under
-the tablecloth.  The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?"
-	Suddenly the penis came back, took another hard roll and just as
-quickly disappeared.  The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said,
-"I don't believe I saw what I think I just saw... can you do that again?"
-	With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied, "Honey, I'd
-like to, but I don't think my ass can take another hard roll!"
-%
-	A Mexican and a Texan worked together for a construction firm, and,
-while they were good friends, they had a friendly rivalry over whose wife
-was the better cook.  One weekend, as the Texan's wife was out of town, the
-Mexican invited the Texan to have supper with his family.
-	The Texan accepted, and that evening sat down to some the best stew
-that he had ever eaten.
-	"Damn!  That stew is fantastic!" he exclaimed to his host.  "What
-kind of meat is it?"
-	"Rabbeet stew," replied the Mexican.
-	"Rabbit?" replied the Texan. "There aren't any rabbits around here."
-	"Si, my freend, the rabbeets make the beeg noise, and I shoot theem."
-	"Rabbits don't make any noise..."
-	"Si, my freend, they say meeyow, meeyow!"
-%
-	A mother and her daughter came to the doctor's office.  The mother
-asked the doctor to examine her daughter.  "She has been having some strange
-symptoms and I'm worried about her," the mother said.
-	The doctor examined the daughter carefully.  Then he announced,
-"Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant."
-	The mother gasped.  "That's nonsense!" she said.  "Why, my little
-girl has never even been out with a man, let alone... let alone..."  She
-turns to the girl and said, "Tell the doctor, Susie!"
-	"Yes, Mumsy," said the girl.  "Doctor, I have never so much as
-kissed a man!"
-	The doctor looked from the mother to daughter, and back again.  Then,
-silently he stood up and walked to the window.  He stared out.  He continued
-staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something
-wrong out there?"
-	"No, Madam," said the doctor.  "It's just that the last time anything
-like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if
-another one was going to show up."
-%
-	A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon
-two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope.  "That's what
-I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow man".
-	As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well,
-he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."
-%
-	A proper elderly English couple visiting Australia decided to hire a
-car to take a look at the outback.  "We know it's rough country, but it's safe
-and decent, isn't it?" the husband inquired of the rental-agency manager.
-Upon being assured that it was, the couple drove off.
-	Later that day, they returned, upset and angry.  "You said it was
-decent country," the Englishwoman upbraided the rental agent, "but we hadn't
-driven too far when we saw a man in a field copulating with a kangaroo!"
-	"And not too long after that," complained her husband, "a one-legged
-aborigine leaning against a tree by the side of the road grinningly waved
-at us with one hand while he brazenly masturbated himself with the other!"
-	"Guv'nor," responded the Aussie, "yer wouldn't expect a poor bugger
-like that, with only one leg, to catch a 'roo, would you?"
-%
-	A secretary entered her boss's office with the announcement: "I have
-some good news and some bad news."
-	He muttered, "It's quarterly report day, Sally -- just the good news."
-	She replied, "You're not sterile."
-%
-	A sociologist, a psychologist, and an engineer were discussing the
-consequences and implications of a married man's having a mistress.  The
-sociologist's opinion was that it is absolutely and categorically unforgivable
-for a married man to forfeit the bond of matrimony, and engage in such lowly
-and lustful pursuits.
-	The psychologist's opinion was that although morally reprehensible,
-if a man MUST have a mistress to achieve his full potential as a human being,
-then -- well -- he may go ahead and choose to have a mistress, as long as he
-is considerate enough to keep this secret from his wife.
-	The engineer then interjected: "I also believe that, if necessary,
-a married man is entitled to a mistress.  However, I do not see why the
-affair should be concealed from the wife.  On the contrary, if the affair
-is out in the open, then on Friday evenings he may tell his wife that he
-is going to see his mistress, tell his mistress that he is going to be with
-his wife, then go to his office and get some work done!"
-%
-	A strange looking white man came to the Indian reservation looking
-for a job.  He asked to talk to the Chief of the tribe, so he might give his
-qualifications.  The Chief strode forward from the group surrounding the
-white man and said: "You leave!  No job!"
-	The man explained that this was no ordinary job he was seeking, but
-that of tribe Medicine-Man.  He would convince him if the Chief would allow
-him to demonstrate his magic.  "No magic!" said the disbelieving Chief.
-	"Oh, yeah?", said the stranger.  "I'll prove it to you by making
-your dog, here, talk!"
-	"Dog, no talk!" responded the Chief, but before he could finish, he
-heard a voice coming out of the mouth of the dog saying, "The Chief treats me
-good.  He feeds me, and keeps me in teepee when it snows!"
-	"If you still have doubts as to my magic," continued the stranger,
-"the next voice you'll hear will be that of your horse!"
-	"Horse, no talk!" argued the still-sceptical Chief, but again he
-heard a voice that said: "I am the Chief's favorite horse.  He takes me up to
-the green pasture to eat and brushes my coat when I get dirty."
-	The stranger, still seeing some disbelieving faces, claimed for his
-final trick he would make the Chief's sheep talk.
-	"NO!" cried the Chief, "SHEEP LIE!"
-%
-	A ten-year-old kid came home from school one day, and when his mom
-asked how was school he says: "Gee, great, mom.  I got laid!"
-	She's shocked and sends him upstairs, where his dad finds him after
-work.  "Mommy told me about your day at school, Billy, and I think we men
-should keep it a secret.  Women just don't understand these things."
-	So every night Dad goes up to Billy's room after Mom tucks him in:
-"You get laid today, Billy?"
-	"Yeah, Dad."
-	"How was it?"
-	"Real neat, Dad, I liked it a lot."
-	"Good Boy!".
-	A month later: "You get laid today?"
-	"No, Dad."
-	"No?  How come?"
-	"Gee, Dad, my ass is getting really sore."
-%
-	A white man was traveling with Indian (American) out West.  The
-Indian stops, puts his ear to the ground, and says, "Buffalo come."
-	The white man looks around in all directions, sees nothing for
-miles and asks the Indian how the hell he knows that.
-	Replies the Indian, "Ear wet."
-		-- Lily Tomlin, "The Search for Signs of Intelligent
-		   Life in the Universe"
-%
-	A woman was married to a golfer.  One day she asked, "If I were
-to die, would you remarry?"
-	After some thought, the man replied, "Yes, I've been very happy in
-this marriage and I would want to be this happy again."
-	The wife asked, "Would you give your new wife my car?"
-	"Yes," he replied.  "That's a good car and it runs well."
-	"Well, would you live in this house?"
-	"Yes, it is a lovely house and you have decorated it beautifully.
-I've always loved it here."
-	"Well, would you give her my golf clubs?"
-	"No."
-	"Why not?"
-	"She's left handed."
-%
-	A young couple jumped out of their car and dashed into the park.
-They hurriedly found a secluded spot and began to make frenzied, passionate
-love.  Shortly thereafter, as they were driving away, the young man turned
-to her and said, "If I had known you were a virgin, I'd have taken more time."
-	She replied, "If I had known you had more time, I'd have taken off
-my pantyhose."
-%
-	A young man asked his father to lend him $50 for a blowjob,
-whereupon his father solemnly replied, "When I was young we used to
-settle for a kiss."
-	The son retorted, "OK, how about $50 for a long low kiss?"
-%
-	After watching an extremely attractive maternity-ward patient
-earnestly thumbing her way through a telephone directory for several
-minutes, a hospital orderly finally asked if he could be of some help.
-	"No, thanks," smiled the young mother, "I'm just looking for a
-name for my baby."
-	"But the hospital supplies a special booklet that lists hundreds
-of first names and their meanings," said the orderly.
-	"That won't help," said the woman, "my baby already has a first
-name."
-%
-	All he did was take the ball and run every time they called his
-number -- which came to be more and more often, and in the Super Bowl Thomas
-was the whole show.  But the season is now over; the purse is safe in the
-vault; and Duane Thomas is facing two to twenty for possession.  Nobody really
-expects him to serve time, but nobody seems to think he'll be playing for
-Dallas next year either, and a few sporting people who claim to know how the
-NFL works say he won't be playing for ANYBODY next year; that the Commissioner
-is outraged at this mockery of all those Government-sponsored "Beware of Dope"
-TV shots that dressed up the screen last autumn.
-	We all enjoyed those spots, but not everyone found them convincing.
-Here was a White House directive saying several million dollars would be spent
-to drill dozens of Name Players to stare at the camera and try to stop grinding
-their teeth long enough to say they hate drugs of any kind... and then the best
-running back in the world turns out to be a goddamn uncontrollable drugsucker.
-	But not for long.  There is not much room for freaks in the National
-Football League.  Joe Namath was saved by the simple blind luck of getting
-drafted by a team in New York City, a place where social outlaws are not
-always viewed as criminals.  But Namath would have had a very different trip
-if he'd been drafted by the St. Louis Cardinals.
-		-- Hunter S. Thompson
-%
-	An Aggie was appointed ambassador to Japan.  Two weeks before
-officially reporting to the embassy, he went from geisha house to geisha
-house.  While making love to a geisha girl, he heard her repeat, "Yaki-san,
-yaki-san."
-	Right away the Aggie thought to himself, "I've learned my first
-Japanese word.  It must be an expression of joy."
-	When he reported to the embassy, he received his first assignment,
-which was to escort the prime minister of Japan around the golf course.
-After having played a couple of holes, the prime minister teed-off and made
-a hole-in-one.  The prime minister jumped up and down shouting, "Bonsai!
-Bonsai!"
-	Quickly, thinking that this was the perfect chance to show off the
-new Japanese word that he'd learned, the Aggie exclaimed, "Yaki-san,
-yaki-san!"
-	The prime minister turned to the Aggie in surprise and exclaimed,
-"What do you mean, wrong hole?"
-%
-	An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial
-city and asked to be served the specialty of the house.  When the dish
-arrived he asked what kind of meat it contained.  "These, senor," explained
-the waiter in halting English, "are the cojones -- the, what you say, the
-testicles -- of the bull killed in the ring today.
-	The tourist gulped but tasted the dish and found it delicious.
-Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish.  When it was
-served, he commented to the waiter, "But these -- these cojones -- are
-much smaller than the ones I had yesterday."
-	"True, senor, but the bull -- he does not ALWAYS lose."
-%
-	An eighty-year-old woman is rocking away the afternoon on her
-porch when she sees an old, tarnished lamp sitting near the steps.  She
-picks it up, rubs it gently, and lo and behold a genie appears!  The genie
-tells the woman the he will grant her any three wishes her heart desires.
-	After a bit of thought, she says, "I wish I were young and
-beautiful!"  And POOF!  In a cloud of smoke she becomes a young, beautiful,
-voluptuous woman.
-	After a little more thought, she says, "I would like to be rich
-for the rest of my life."  And POOF!  When the smoke clears, there are
-stacks and stacks of money lying on the porch.
-	The genie then says, "Now, madam, what is your final wish?"
-	"Well," says the woman, "I would like for you to transform my
-faithful old cat, whom I have loved dearly for fifteen years, into a young
-handsome prince!"
-	And with another billow of smoke the cat is changed into a tall,
-handsome, young man, with dark hair, dressed in a dashing uniform.
-	As they gaze at each other in adoration, the prince leans over to
-the woman and whispers into her ear, "Now, aren't you sorry you had me
-fixed?"
-%
-	An Israeli soldier was checking travelers' papers on a road, when a
-man and a heavily pregnant woman on a donkey came by.  "Your names please?"
-said the soldier.
-	"My name is Mary," said the woman.
-	"And mine is Joseph," said the man.
-	"Oh," said the soldier, a little taken aback, "And where are you
-going?"
-	"To Bethlehem."
-	"Your reason for going there?"
-	"To pay our taxes to the government."
-	"Tell me," said the soldier, "are you going to name the baby Jesus?"
-	"Of course not," said the woman, "What do you think we are, Puerto
-Ricans?"
-%
-	An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the
-remains of her cat.  As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver,
-"I have a dead pussy."
-	The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said,
-"Sit with my wife.  You two have a lot in common."
-%
-	And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?"
-	They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the
-ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our
-very selfhood revealed."
-	And Jesus replied, "What?"
-%
-	"And what do you two think you are doing?!" roared the husband,
-as he came upon his wife in bed with another man.  The wife turned and
-smiled at her companion.
-	"See?" she said.  "I told you he was stupid!"
-%
-	"Anything else, sir?" asked the attentive bellhop, trying his best
-to make the lady and gentleman comfortable in their penthouse suite in the
-posh hotel.
-	"No.  No, thank you," replied the gentleman.
-	"Anything for your wife, sir?" the bellhop asked.
-	"Why, yes, young man," said the gentleman.  "Would you bring me
-a postcard?"
-%
-	"Are pirates an ethnic group?  Or are they just people who burn
-illegal cds?"
-	"Arrrr!  We prefer to be called Buccaneer-Americans."
-%
-	Are you a Young Urban Professional Woman?  If so, you know how
-Yuppie women are; cold, ruthless bitches with no time for love, and only
-an occasional weekend for sex.  Your one "hot date" with Joe Fastrack,
-rising corporate star, ended in disaster.  Yesterday you heard him telling
-a friend over lunch, "The woman must masturbate with popsicles!"  Well,
-all is not lost!  SofSqueeze can change your nickname to Electrolux in just
-15 minutes a day!
-	SofSqueeze is a pressure sensitive device (divided into appropriate
-sections) that plugs into the serial port of most home computers.  Through
-the magic of biofeedback, SofSqueeze teaches you control over your vaginal
-muscles.  With our exciting, easy-to-follow software you'll master the
-"Cincinnati Squeeze", the "Irresistible", the "California Crusher", and,
-of course, the perennial favorite, "Milking Time Down on the Farm".  Or,
-using our exclusive Interactive Mode, invent your own!
-	SofSqueeze is made of sturdy ABS plastic, and is completely
-immersible for easy cleaning.  SofSqueeze's flesh-toned exterior is finely
-textured for a realistic effect.  Requires 4K RAM, a DB25 serial port and
-limited graphics capability.  Comes fully assembled, with 4 AA batteries.
-%
-	As we know, there are known knowns.  There are things we know we
-know.  We also know there are known unknowns.  That is to say, we know
-there are some things we do not know.  But there are also unknown
-unknowns; the ones we don't know we don't know.
-		-- United States Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld
-		   12 February 2002, Regarding the US invasion of Iraq
-%
-	At an elegant dinner party, Lady Astor once leaned across the table
-to remark, "If you were my husband, Winston, I'd poison your coffee."  "And
-if you were my wife, I'd beat the shit out of you," came Churchill's
-unhesitating retort.
-		-- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
-%
-	At his sentencing, Herbie Sperling proved that he was the all-time
-stand-up guy.
-	Sperling's lawyer made a lengthy, impassioned plea for his client.
-He talked of mercy, justice, humanity to fellow men who have chosen the wrong
-path.  Yes, the crimes were serious, yes, Mr. Sperling deserves a prison
-sentence, but the maximum sentence was not warranted.
-	Then the judge turned to Sperling.  "Mr. Sperling, is there anything
-you wish to say?"
-	"Yes, Your Honor.  If you think I'm going to beg for mercy, you've
-got another think coming.  You're all a bunch of fucking fascist cocksuckers,
-you can all go to hell, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you..."
-		-- Gregory Wallace, "Papa's Game"
-%
-	Attracted by repeated newspaper advertisements, and realizing that
-his waist had gone both East and West despite his daily racquetball, a young
-executive appeared at a local health resort.  Looking over the several weight
-loss plans offered, he selected one guaranteed to reduce his weight by two
-pounds per day.  After a light breakfast, and an almost non-existent lunch, he
-was escorted to a large room, where a young, attractive woman told him that
-"if he caught her, he could have her".  After an hour of hard running, he
-finally gave up; and weighing himself, was comforted to realize that he had
-lost just under three pounds.  Returning the next week, he chose the plan that
-was to reduce his weight by four pounds per session.  After following the same
-regimen, he was again escorted to a large room, but after two hours of running,
-he caught the young woman.  Weight loss, just over four pounds.  Returning the
-following week, he chose to lose eight pounds in a single day.  He was shown
-to the largest room he'd seen, by far, where he was confronted by an extremely
-muscular, burly man, who looked him square in the eye, flung his towel into
-a corner, and snarled, "You know the rules.  Start running!"
-%
-	Barbra Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American
-Indians.  After a tour of a reservation they were on, she was curious as to
-the number of feathers in the headdresses.  She asked a brave who had only
-one feather in his headdress.  His reply was, "Me have only one squaw, me
-have only one feather."  She asked another brave, feeling the first fellow
-was only joking.  This brave had four feathers in his headdress.  He replied,
-"Me have four feathers, because me sleep with four squaws."
-	Still not convinced the number of feathers indicated the number of
-squaws involved, she decided to interview the Chief.  Now the Chief had a
-headdress full of feathers which, needless to say, amused Ms. Walters.
-Ms. W:	"Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?"
-Chief:	"Me Chief, me fuck-em all, big, small, fat, tall,
-		me fuck-em all."
-Ms. W:	"You ought to be hung!"
-Chief:	"You damned right, me hung.  Big like buffalo, long like snake."
-Ms. W:	"You don't have to be so hostile!"
-Chief:	"Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any-style, me fuck-em all."
-Ms. W:	"Oh, dear!"
-Chief:	"No deer, me no fuck deer.  Asshole too high and fuckers run
-		too fast."
-%
-	Before he went off to the wars, King Arthur locked his lovely wife,
-Guinevere, into her chastity belt.  Then he summoned his loyal friend and
-subject Sir Lancelot.  "Lancelot, noble knight," said Arthur, "within this
-sturdy belt is imprisoned the virtue of my wife.  The key to this chaste
-treasure I will entrust to only one man in the world.  To you."
-	Humbled before this great honor, Lancelot knelt, received his king's
-blessing and took charge of the key.  Arthur mounted his steed and rode off.
-Not half a mile from his castle, he heard hoofbeats behind him and turned to
-see Sir Lancelot riding hard to catch up with him.
-	"What is amiss, my friend?" asked the king.
-	"My lord," gasped Lancelot, "you have given me the wrong key!"
-%
-	"Before we get married," said the young woman to her fiance,
-"I want to confess some affairs that I've had in the past."
-	"But you told me all about those a few weeks ago," her young man
-replied.
-	"Yes, darling," she explained, "but that was a few weeks ago."
-%
-	Bill had just returned from a week of honeymooning, and his best
-friend asked him how it went.
-	"The first night we did it nine times," Bill said.  "The second
-night, eight times.  The third night, seven times.  The fourth night, six
-times.  The fifth night, five times.  The sixth night, four times, and the
-last night, nothing!"
-	"Nothing?" his pal asked.  "How come?"
-	"Hey, you ever tried putting a marshmallow in a parking meter?"
-%
-	"Can you hammer a 6-inch spike into a wooden plank with your
-penis?"
-	"Uh, not right now."
-	"Tsk.  A girl has to have some standards."
-		-- "Real Genius"
-%
-	Churchill was given to reading in the bathtub and, while staying at
-the White House, he once became so engrossed in an account of the Battle of
-Fonteney that he forgot President Roosevelt was due to drop by to discuss the
-upcoming conference in Yalta.  At the appointed hour, the President was
-wheeled into Churchill's quarters only to be informed that the Prime Minister
-had not finished bathing.  Roosevelt was about to apologize for the intrusion
-and depart when Churchill, puffing his customary cigar, strode into the room
-stark naked and greeted the nonplussed world leader with a terse, "What are
-you staring at, homo?"
-		-- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
-%
-	Churchill was known to drain a glass or two and, after one
-particularly convivial evening, he chanced to encounter Miss Bessie Braddock,
-a Socialist member of the House of Commons, who, upon seeing his condition,
-said, "Winston, you're drunk."  Mustering all his dignity, Churchill drew
-himself up to his full height, cocked an eyebrow and rejoined, "Shove it up
-your ass, you ugly cunt."
-		-- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
-%
-	"Dad," the 13-year-old boy asked, looking up from his social-
-studies text, "what did you do during the sexual revolution?"
-	"Well, son," his father confided, "I guess you could say I was
-captured early and spent the duration doing the dishes."
-%
-	"Daddy?"
-	"Yes son."
-	"Wha-wha-wha-what does regret mean?"
-	"Well, son, a funny thing about regret is that it's better to regret
-something you have done, than to regret something you haven't done.  And by
-the way, if you see your Mom this weekend, would you be sure and tell her,
-`SATAN, SATAN, SATAN!!!'"
-		-- Butthole Surfers, "Sweat Loaf"
-%
-	"Darling," he breathed, "after making love I doubt if I'll
-be able to get over you -- so would you mind answering the phone?"
-%
-	"Darling", said the young bride, "tell me what's bothering you.
-We promised to share all our joys and sorrows, remember?"
-	"But this is different," protested her husband.
-	"Together, darling," she insisted, "we will bear the burden.
-Now tell me what our problem is."
-	"Well," said the husband, "we've just become the father of a
-bastard child."
-%
-	"Darling," she whispered, "will you still love me after we are
-married?"
-	He considered this for a moment and then replied, "I think so.
-I've always been especially fond of married women."
-%
-	Desperate about the state of her social life, a young woman resorted
-to the Personal Ads in the back of her local paper.  In the ad she made it
-quite clear that what she was advertising for was an expert lover; she already
-had plenty of sensitive friends and meaningful relationships and what she
-now wanted was to get laid, to put it bluntly.  Phone calls started coming
-in, with each caller testifying to his sexual prowess, but none quite struck
-the young woman's fancy.  Until one night her doorbell rang.  Opening the door
-she found a man with no arms or legs, who informed her that he was there in
-response to her advertisement.  "I'm terribly sorry," she stammered, "but my
-ad was quite explicit.  I'm really looking for something of a sexual expert,
-and you... uh... don't have all the..."
-	"Listen," the man interrupted her, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
-%
-	"Do you cheat on your wife?" asked the psychiatrist.
-	"Who else?" answered the patient.
-%
-	Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly
-pointed out of the car window and said, "That is the most frightening
-sight I have ever seen."  His companion was surprised to see nothing
-more alarming than a priest in conversation with a little boy, his hand
-on the child's shoulder.  "Run, little boy," cried Hitchcock, leaning
-out of the car.  "Run for your life!"
-%
-	During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen were
-blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall.  Suddenly a red-face
-country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, "Hey, you almost
-hit my wife."
-	"Did I?" cried one hunter, aghast.  "Terribly sorry.  Have a shot
-at mine, over there."
-%
-	During a session with a marriage counselor, the wife snapped at her
-husband: "That's not true, I do enjoy sex!"  Then, turning to the counselor,
-she added: "But this fiend expects it three or four times a year!"
-%
-	Ed, a traveling salesman, had his car break down in the middle of a
-blizzard.  He trudged to a nearby farmhouse where the farmer told him that,
-while they were short of beds, he could sleep with his daughter.  She proved
-to be eighteen and beautiful.  So they went to bed, and shortly, Ed made a
-pass at the daughter.  "Stop that!" she said.  "I'll call my father."
-	He desisted.  But half an hour later he made another attempt.  "Uh,
-stop ... that," she said.  "I'll call my father."
-	But she moved closer to him, so he made a third try.  This time, no
-protest, no threat.  Just as Ed, satisfied, was about to drowse off, she
-tugged at his pajama sleeve.  "Could we do that again?" she asked.
-	Ed obliged, and this time fell asleep only to be awakened by the
-tug at his sleeve.  "Again?"
-	And again Ed obliged.  But when his sleep was once more interrupted
-by the tugging at his pajama sleeve, Ed indignantly pulled it away from her
-and mumbled, "Stop that!  Or I'll call your father."
-%
-	Elroy stared at Barb and then leaned quietly over to Shake Tiller
-and stuck out his hand.  "Son," he said.  "Tell the truth.  It ain't better
-than fried chicken, is it?"
-	Shake looked solemnly at Elroy, clasping his hand, and said:
-	"I got to be dead honest, Roy."
-	And Elroy said yeah, lay it on him.
-	Shake said slowly, "For a Lesbian who gave up the only real love she
-ever knew -- Sister Francis at Our Lady of Victory -- and for a person who
-can't make it any more with nothing but an electric toothbrush, she's the
-finest I've ever had."
-		-- Dan Jenkins, "Semi-Tough"
-%
-	Ever thought of putting a ferret down your pants?  Yes, ferrets,
-those weasel-like animals originally trained to hunt rats and possessing
-needle sharp claws and razor sharp teeth.  The English do it for sport.
-	Ferret Legging involves the tying of a competitor's trousers at
-the ankles and then dropping into the trousers a couple of vicious ferrets.
-No jockstraps or underwear allowed -- nothing but the bodies' own.  The
-ferrets must be young and in good condition.  Neither the ferret or the
-contestant may be drugged or drunk -- cold eyed sober only.  The trousers
-should be loose fitting, to allow the ferret to scramble from one leg to
-the other, and are traditionally white, so that the blood shows better.
-	Normal contestants are able to keep them down for up to 40 seconds.
-The champion ferret legger, Reg Mellor, of Yorkshire, holds the world record
-of 5 hours and 26 minutes.  Mr. Mellor's claims that being the champion is
-not so much heroism but, "You just got to be able to have your tool bitten
-and not care."
-%
-	Every morning, the crowd on Coney Island beach was startled to see
-a jogger with the build of a pro football player but a head the size of a
-baseball.  Finally, some brave young man got up the nerve to stop him and
-ask, "What happened to give you such a small head?"
-	The jogger sadly told the story of finding a magic lamp on the beach,
-which produced a beautiful genie when rubbed.  The genie said, "I now give
-you one wish.  Do you want a quick fuck or a little head?"
-%
-	Everyone in the smart nightclub was amazed by the old gentleman,
-obviously pushing 70, tossing off manhattans and cavorting around the dance
-floor like a 20-year old.  Finally curiosity got the best of the cigarette
-girl.  "I beg your pardon, sir," she said, "but I'm amazed to see a gentleman
-of your age living it up like a youngster.  Tell me, are all of your faculties
-unimpaired?"
-	The old fellow looked up at the girl sadly and shook his head.  "Not
-all, I'm afraid." he said.  "Just last evening I went nightclubbing with a
-girlfriend -- we drank and danced all night and finally rolled into her place
-about two A.M.  We went to bed immediately, and I was asleep almost as soon
-as my head hit the pillow.  I woke around three-thirty and nudged my girl."
-	"Why, George," she said in surprise, "we did that fifteen minutes ago."
-	"So you see," the old boy said sadly, "my memory is beginning to
-fail me."
-%
-	Farmer Johnson was drunk again.
-	"You know, Anna," he said to his long-suffering wife, "if you could
-only lay eggs we could get rid of all those damn chickens."
-	Anna said nothing.  Farmer Johnson tried again.  "You know, Anna, if
-only you could give milk we could get rid of that expensive herd of cows."
-	Anna looked at him coolly. "You know, Jack," she said, "if only you
-could get it up once in a while we could get rid of your brother Bob."
-%
-	"First, I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a little tight,"
-said the guy aggressively.
-	"Oh, no, you're not," said the girl.
-	"Then I'll take you to dinner at the most exclusive restaurant in
-town."
-	"Oh, no, you won't."
-	"Then I'll take you to my apartment and mix up a pitcher of daiquiris."
-	"Oh, no, you won't."
-	"Then I'm going to make violent, mad, passionate love to you."
-	"Oh, no, you're not."
-	"And I'm not going to take any precautions either!" said the guy.
-	"Oh, yes, you are!!" said the girl.
-%
-	For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief
-vacations at this country inn.  The last time he'd finally managed an
-affair with the innkeeper's daughter.  Looking forward to an exciting
-few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped
-short.  There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
-	"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?"
-he cried.  "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married,
-and the baby would have my name!"
-	"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition,
-we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and finally decided it would be
-better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
-%
-	Four Oxford dons were taking their evening walk together and as
-usual, were engaged in casual but learned conversation.  On this particular
-evening, their conversation was about the names given to groups of animals,
-such as a "pride of lions" or a "gaggle of geese."
-	One of the professors noticed a group of prostitutes down the block,
-and posed the question, "What name would be given to that group?"  The four
-fell into silence for a moment, as they pondered the possibilities...
-	At last, one spoke: "How about 'a Jam of Tarts'?"  The others nodded
-in acknowledgment as they continued to consider the problem.  A second
-professor spoke: "I'd suggest 'an Essay of Trollops.'"  Again, the others
-nodded.  A third spoke: "I propose 'a Flourish of Strumpets.'"
-	They continued their walk in silence, until the first professor
-remarked to the remaining professor, who was the most senior and learned of
-the four, "You haven't suggested a name for our ladies.  What are your
-thoughts?"
-	Replied the fourth professor, "'An Anthology of Prose.'"
-%
-	Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their
-engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who
-was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy
-and sarcastic?"
-	"Of course not," said a sympathetic friend.
-	"Well," retorted Frank, "neither would Jennifer."
-%
-	"Gentlemen of the jury," said the defense attorney, now beginning
-to warm to his summation, "the real question here before you is, shall this
-beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her loveliest years in a
-dark prison cell?  Or shall she be set free to return to her cozy little
-apartment at 4134 Mountain Ave. -- there to spend her lonely, loveless hours
-in her boudoir, lying beside her little Princess phone, 962-7873?"
-%
-	"God built a compelling sex drive into every creature, no
-matter what style of fucking it practiced.  He made sex irresistibly
-pleasurable, wildly joyous, free from fears.  He made it innocent
-merriment.
-	"Needless to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit.  Everyone
-agreed, from aardvarks to zebras.  All the jolly animals -- lions and
-lambs, rhinoceroses and gazelles, skylarks and lobsters, even insects,
-though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime -- fucked along
-innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years.  Maybe they
-were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one."
-		-- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
-%
-	God decided to take the devil to court and settle their
-differences once and for all.
-	When Satan heard of this, he grinned and said, "And just
-where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
-%
-	Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the
-Senate, got on better with the House of Representatives.  A popular
-story circulating during his presidency concerned the night he was
-roused by his wife crying, "Wake up!  I think there are burglars in the
-house."
-	"No, no, my dear," said the president sleepily, "in the Senate
-maybe, but not in the House."
-%
-	Harry, a golfing enthusiast if there ever was one, arrived home
-from the club to an irate, ranting wife.
-	"I'm leaving you, Harry," his wife announced bitterly.  "You
-promised me faithfully that you'd be back before six and here it is almost
-nine.  It just can't take that long to play 18 holes of golf."
-	"Honey, wait," said Harry.  "Let me explain.  I know what I promised
-you, but I have a very good reason for being late.  Fred and I tee'd off
-right on time and everything was fine for the first three holes.  Then, on
-the fourth tee Fred had a stroke.  I ran back to the clubhouse but couldn't
-find a doctor.  And, by the time I got back to Fred, he was dead.  So, for
-the next 15 holes, it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred...
-%
-	Harry constantly irritated his friends with his eternal optimism.
-No matter how bad the situation, he would always say, "Well, it could have
-been worse."
-	To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a
-situation so completely black, so dreadful, that even Harry could find no
-hope in it.  Approaching him at the club bar one day, one of them said,
-"Harry!  Did you hear what happened to George?  He came home last night,
-found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned
-the gun on himself!"
-	"Terrible," said Harry.  "But it could have been worse."
-	"How in hell," demanded his dumbfounded friend, "could it possibly
-have been worse?"
-	"Well," said Harry, "if it had happened the night before, I'd be
-dead right now."
-%
-	Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his
-proposal of marriage as he was pretty sensitive about his artificial leg
-and afraid that no one would have him.  In fact, he couldn't bring himself
-to tell his fiancee about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger,
-nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place.
-All he kept saying was, "Darling, I've got a big surprise for you," at which
-she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.
-	The wedding came and went, and the young couple were at last alone
-in their honeymoon suite. "Now don't forget, Harry, you promised me a big
-surprise," smiled the bride.
-	Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his
-leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife's hand on the stump.
-	"Hmmmmm," she said softly, "that IS a surprise. But pass me the
-Vaseline and I'll see what I can do!"
-%
-	"Heard you were moving your piano, so I came over to help."
-	"Thanks.  Got it upstairs already."
-	"Do it alone?"
-	"Nope.  Hitched the cat to it."
-	"How would that help?"
-	"Used a whip."
-%
-	"Hello, Mrs. Premise!"
-	"Oh, hello, Mrs. Conclusion!  Busy day?"
-	"Busy? I just spent four hours burying the cat."
-	"Four hours to bury a cat!?"
-	"Yes, he wouldn't keep still: wrigglin' about, 'owlin'..."
-	"Oh, it's not dead then."
-	"Oh no, no, but it's not at all a well cat, and as we're
-goin' away for a fortnight I thought I'd better bury it just to be
-on the safe side."
-	"Quite right.  You don't want to come back from Sorrento
-to a dead cat, do you?"
-		-- Monty Python
-%
-	"Hello, Police Department."
-	"This is Thomas Parrish, 903 Sylvester Court.  I've just been sexually
-molested by a pervert, right here in my own home.  It was horrifying!"
-	"Just remain calm, sir, and tell me about it."
-	"Well, the man came in the window wearing a ski mask.  I was napping
-on the bed, in just my pajamas, and the TV set was on so I didn't hear anything.
-Suddenly he had his great big old calloused hand over my mouth, holding me down.
-I tried to scream... he was pulling my pants off.  I was so frightened!  He
-held a knife to my throat and undressed so quickly.  What could I do?  I
-couldn't stop him.  He was huge.  A great, hairy, beefy man, more than fifty
-pounds heavier than I am, and hung like... Oh! it was terrible.  He had an
-erection, and he knelt on my shoulders and forced the awful thing down my
-throat; forced me to suck it.  Yes, officer!  There was no escaping this man.
-Finally, when I thought I would faint, he got off me and turned me over on
-my tummy, forcing my legs apart with his knees, and oh! I'm so embarrassed to
-say it, he put that huge thing...  It must have been a foot long, and I don't
-know how thick... into my...  Just a minute."
-	"What's the matter, mister?"
-	"Listen, I have to hang up now, he's getting out of the shower."
-%
-	"How'd you get that flat?"
-	"Ran over a bottle."
-	"Didn't you see it?"
-	"Damn kid had it under his coat."
-%
-	"I believe you have the wrong number," said the old gentleman into
-the phone.  "You'll have to call the weather bureau for that information."
-	"Who was that?" his young wife asked.
-	"Some guy wanting to know if the coast was clear."
-%
-	"I know a life of crime led me to this sorry state.  I blame
-society.  Society made me what I am today!"
-	"That's bullshit Archie.  You're just a young suburban punk
-like me."
-	"It still...  hurts... auugghh!"
-	"You're going to be okay..."
-		"...gurgle..."
-			"... maybe not."
-		-- Repo Man
-%
-	"I need a camel that can go without water for at least three weeks,"
-the American said to an Algerian camel merchant.  "Is it possible?"
-	"All things are possible," replied the merchant.  He proceeded to
-take a camel out of his barn and lead him to a tank of water.  After the
-camel had drunk its fill and was about to lift its head out of the tank,
-the merchant picked up two nearby bricks, one in each hand, stepped behind
-the camel, and smacked his testicles with the bricks.
-	The camel let out a gigantic "Whhoooosh!" and sucked up what seemed
-like twenty more gallons of water.
-	The American stared incredulously at the camel merchant.  "My God,
-man!" he exclaimed, "doesn't that hurt?!"
-	The merchant shrugged.  "Only if you get your thumbs in between the
-bricks."
-%
-	"I think my wife may be getting somewhat overweight.
-	"Oh, how can you tell?"
-	"Well, last night when she sat on my face, I couldn't
-hear the stereo."
-%
-	"I was plodding through the woods when suddenly a giant brown
-bear grabbed me from behind and made me drop my gun.  He picked it up
-and stuck it in my back."
-	"What did you do?"
-	"What *could* I do?  I married his daughter."
-%
-	I went into a bar feeling a little depressed, the bartender said,
-"What'll you have, Bud"?
-	I said," I don't know, surprise me".
-	So he showed me a nude picture of my wife.
-		-- Rodney Dangerfield
-%
-	"I will profane your fucking remains, E. B."
-	"Not my remains, Al!"
-	"Gabriel's trumpet will produce you from the ass of a pig."
-		-- Al Swearingen, E. B. Farnum, _Deadwood_
-%
-	I'd say that VCS is more like the anal sex of the software
-world: Everybody talks about it, some people do it, some people enjoy
-it, but typically only vague implications about the best techniques
-are ever voiced in public.
-              -- Warner Losh, on Version Control Systems
-%
-	"I'll tell ya, Jeb," Wilbur said to his friend, "the tractor
-business ain't doin' too well.  I ain't sold one all month.
-	"You think you've got problems?" Jeb replied.  "The other day, I went
-out to milk Daisy, when she swatted me in the face with her tail, like she
-always does.  So I took some twine and tied it to the rafters.  When I sat
-down again, she kicked me like she always does.  So I tied her leg to the
-side of the stall.  When I started to sit down again, I could see her taking
-aim with her other leg, so I tied it to the other side of the stall.  And I'll
-tell you what," he continued with a sigh, "if you can convince my wife I was
-gonna *milk* that cow, I'll buy a tractor from you!"
-%
-	"I'm looking for adventure, excitement, beautiful women," cried the
-young man to his father as he prepared to leave home.  "Don't try to stop me.
-I'm on my way."
-	"Who's trying to stop you?" shouted the father.  "Take me along!"
-%
-	In the beginning, God created the Earth and he said, "Let there be
-mud."
-	And there was mud.
-	And God said, "Let Us make living creatures out of mud, so the mud
-can see what we have done."
-	And God created every living creature that now moveth, and one was
-man.  Mud-as-man alone could speak.
-	"What is the purpose of all this?" man asked politely.
-	"Everything must have a purpose?" asked God.
-	"Certainly," said man.
-	"Then I leave it to you to think of one for all of this," said God.
-	And He went away.
-		-- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., "Between Time and Timbuktu"
-%
-	In the beginning was the DEMO Project.  And the Project was
-without form.  And darkness was upon the staff members thereof.  So
-they spake unto their Division Head, saying, "It is a crock of shit,
-and it stinks."
-
-	And the Division Head spake unto his Department Head, saying,
-"It is a crock of excrement and none may abide the odor thereof."  Now,
-the Department Head spake unto his Directorate Head, saying, "It is a
-container of excrement, and is very strong, such that none may abide
-before it."  And it came to pass that the Directorate Head spake unto
-the Assistant Technical Director, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer
-and none may abide by its strength."
-
-	And the assistant Technical Director spake thus unto the
-Technical Director, saying, "It containeth that which aids growth and
-it is very strong."  And, Lo, the Technical Director spake then unto
-the Captain, saying, "The powerful new Project will help promote the
-growth of the Laboratories."
-
-	And the Captain looked down upon the Project, and He saw that
-it was Good!
-%
-	In the morning, laughing, happy fish heads
-	In the evening, floating in the soup.
-(chorus):
-Fish heads, fish heads, roly-poly fish heads;
-Fish heads, fish heads, eat them up. Yum!
-	You can ask them anything you want to.
-	They won't answer; they can't talk.
-(chorus):
-	I took a fish head out to see a movie,
-	Didn't have to pay to get it in.
-(chorus):
-	They can't play baseball; they don't wear sweaters;
-	They aren't good dancers; they can't play drums.
-(chorus):
-	Roly-poly fish heads are NEVER seen drinking cappucino in
-	Italian restaurants with Oriental women.
-(chorus):
-	Fishy!
-(chorus):
-		-- Fish Heads
-%
-	In what can only be described as a surprise move, God has officially
-announced His candidacy for the U.S. presidency.  During His press conference
-today, the first in over 4000 years, He is quoted as saying, "I think I have
-a chance for the White House if I can just get my campaign pulled together
-in time.  I'd like to get this country turned around; I mean REALLY turned
-around!  Let's put Florida up north for awhile, and let's get rid of all
-those annoying mountains and rivers.  I never could stand them!"
-	There apparently is still some controversy over the Almighty's
-citizenship and other qualifications for the Presidency.  God replied to
-these charges by saying, "Come on, would the United States have anyone other
-than a citizen bless their country?"
-%
-	It seems there were two young Marines walking down the street, and
-they chanced upon a lady who was both very proper and very well endowed.
-One of them said, "Wow! What tits!  Hey lady, would I love to snuggle up with
-them for awhile.  What are you doing this afternoon?"
-	Well, the other Marine thought that was just about the most shameful
-thing he had ever witnessed, and felt that he had to restore the honor of the
-Corps.  "Pardon my friend, Ma'am," he apologized, "He's not been very well
-brought up and don't know how to talk to cunt."
-%
-	It was April the 41st, being a quadruple leap year.  I was driving
-in downtown Atlantis.  My Barracuda was in the shop, so I was in a rented
-Stingray, and it was overheating.  So I pulled into a Shell station.  They
-said I'd blown a seal.  I said, "Fix the damn thing and leave my private
-life out of it, okay, pal?"  While they were doing that, I walked over to the
-Oyster Bar.  A real dive.  But I knew the owner.  He used to play for the
-Dolphins.  I said "Hi, Gil!"  You have to yell -- he's hard of herring.
-		-- Kip Addotta, "Wet Dream"
-%
-	It was her wedding night, and the sweet young thing was in a
-romantic haze.  "Oh, darling," she sighed, "We're married at last.
-It's all like a wonderful dream!"
-	Her husband didn't answer.  A few moments passed.  She sighed again
-and said, "I'm afraid I'll awake in a moment and find it isn't true."
-	Still no response from her spouse.  Another pause and another
-sensuous sigh, then, softly, "I just can't believe that I'm really your
-wife."
-	"Damn it," growled her mate, "as soon as I get this shoelace untied,
-you will!"
-%
-	It was in a bar in midtown Manhattan and the Frenchman and the
-American were talking about love over some dry Martinis.  "Deed you know,
-sir," the Frenchman said, "that een my country thair are 79 different
-ways how to make the REAL, passionate luff?"
-	"Do tell?" said the American.  "Well, that's amazing.  In this
-country there's only one."
-	"Just one?" the Frenchman said, condescendingly.  "And what eez
-that?"
-	"Well, there's a man and a woman, and --"
-	"Sacre bleu!!" exclaimed the Frenchman.  "Numbair 80!"
-%
-	"Jean, what is this attraction between Catholic girls and
-Jewish men?"
-	"You really want to know?"
-	"Yeah."
-	"Well, Carol, Jewish men are great in bed... right, Bob?  And
-Catholic girls fuck like bunnies."
-%
-	Joan, the rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of
-her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel.  She wore a bathing suit
-the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her
-way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.  She'd hardly
-begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her
-stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
-	"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of
-the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs.  "The Hilton doesn't
-mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your
-wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
-	"What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly.  "No one
-can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
-	"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man.  "You're lying on
-the dining room skylight."
-%
-	Many lower life forms demonstrate qualities that, at first, just don't
-seem survival oriented.  For instance, the female praying mantis, after mating
-with, well, her mate, will devour him.  For the male praying mantis, however,
-it's a catch-22.  If he mates, he gets screwed out of an opportunity to mate
-again.  If he doesn't mate, he doesn't reproduce, ending his family tree.  This
-suicidal behavior is commonly called the Preying Mantis Syndrome -- and many
-life forms are periodically subject to its wrath.  How did the preying mantis
-become stuck in such an awful, vicious cycle?  This is probably what happened:
-	The male mantis arrives at the residence of the female mantis.  After
-some courtship exercises (dinner, a movie, inserting the diaphragm) they mate.
-The female mantis, her lust for... lust being satisfied, relaxes while the
-male raids the refrigerator and returns home.  This behavior continues until
-the male and female (mantissas?) establish a permanent relationship.  Then the
-male establishes a new pattern of behavior:  Football on Mondays, baseball on
-Tuesdays, happy hour on Wednesdays, uh, well, uh, working-late-at-the-office
-on Thursdays, etc. etc.  The female tolerates this for awhile, then files for
-a divorce.  After a long court battle, she concludes one thing:  It simplifies
-matters tremendously to just eat him when you're done with him.
-	Well, through the centuries of evolution, the Preying Mantis Syndrome
-has been carried up to the highest life forms, as well as to humans.  That is
-why, one week out of every month, the female of the species will feel compelled
-to bite the head off of the male.  The Syndrome is inescapable, but when it
-occurs in the female of our species, it's best to just avoid them for a while.
-%
-	Mr. Hersh came home to find his wife sitting naked in front of the
-mirror, admiring her breasts.
-	"And what do you think you're doing?" he asked.
-	"I went to the doctor today and he said I have the breasts of a
-twenty-five-year-old."
-	"Oh yeah?  And what did he have to say about your forty-year-old
-ass?"
-	"Nothing," she replied. "Your name didn't come up at all."
-%
-	"My husband commits an inconceivable act of perversion with a
-barnyard animal, and it's not central to my case?!"
-	"Not in California."
-%
-	"My mother," said the sweet young steno, "says there are some things
-a girl should not do before twenty."
-	"Your mother is right," said the executive, "I don't like a large
-audience, either."
-%
-	Never ask your lover if he'd dive in front of an oncoming train for
-you.  He doesn't know.  Never ask your lover if she'd dive in front of an
-oncoming band of Hell's Angels for you.  She doesn't know.  Never ask how many
-cigarettes your lover has smoked today.  Cancer is a personal commitment.
-	Never ask to see pictures of your lover's former lovers -- especially
-the ones who dived in front of trains.  If you look like one of them, you are
-repeating history's mistakes.  If you don't, you'll wonder what he or she saw
-in the others.
-	While we are on the subject of pictures: You may admire the picture
-of your lover cavorting naked in a tidal pool on Maui.  Don't ask who took
-it.  The answer is obvious.  A Japanese tourist took the picture.
-	Never ask if your lover has had therapy.  Only people who have had
-therapy ask if people have had therapy.
-	Don't ask about plaster casts of male sex organs marked JIMI, JIM, etc.
-Assume that she bought them at a flea  market.
-		-- James Peterson and Kate Nolan
-%
-	"Never send a MAN to do a WOMAN'S work!"
-	"Why do you think I CAME here?"
-	"Not for the good of my ego, that was for damn sure."
-%
-	Never take a resume seriously.  Resumes only make money for the
-people who write the resumes.  No resume ever tells an employer how many
-times a job applicant has had the clap.
-	Why, indeed, would anyone hire a person based on a resume written
-by a professional liar?
-	If the applicant is a man, the employer must ask only one question:
-did the applicant go to TCU?
-	If the applicant is a woman, the employer may simply ask: does she
-have a tongue that can lick the paint off a dormitory wall?
-		-- Dan Jenkins, "Baja Oklahoma"
-%
-	On the occasion of Nero's 25th birthday, he arrived at the Colosseum
-to find that the Praetorian Guard had prepared a treat for him in the arena.
-There stood 25 naked virgins, like candles on a cake, tied to poles, burning
-alive.  "Wonderful!" exclaimed the deranged emperor, "but one of them isn't
-dead yet.  I can see her lips moving.  Go quickly and find out what she is
-saying."
-	The centurion saluted, and hurried out to the virgin, getting as near
-the flames as he dared, and listened intently.  Then he turned and ran back
-to the imperial box.  "She is not talking," he reported to Nero, "she is
-singing."
-	"Singing?" said the astounded emperor.  "Singing what?"
-	"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."
-%
-	Once in a medieval times...there was a King who was getting sort of
-bored after dinner one night.  He decided to hold a contest of who at the
-court had the mightiest "weapon".  The first knight stood up and proclaimed
-that he had the mightiest weapon... he pulled down his pants and tied a 5
-pound weight around it.  The weapon doth rose.  The crowds cheered... the
-women swooned... the children waved multi-colored banners... and the band
-played appropriate music.
-	Another knight stood up and claimed that he had the mightiest weapon.
-He dropped his pants and tied a 10 pound weight to himself.  The weapon doth
-rose. The crowds cheered... the women swooned... the children waved
-multi-colored banners...  and the band played appropriate music.
-	After several more knights tried to prove their superiority...  the
-King finally spoke out. "I have the mightiest weapon of them all!" He dropped
-his pants and tied, not a 10 pound, not a 20 pound, not ever a thirty pound,
-but a 40 pound weight, plus a coffee pot, to himself. The weapon doth rose.
-The crowds cheered...  the women swooned... the children waved multi-colored
-banners... and the band played "God Save the Queen."
-%
-	One day a mother and daughter are walking around a farming community
-and they see a stallion mounting a mare.  The daughter takes in the scene and
-turns to her mother. "Mommy, what are those two horses doing?"
-	Her mother hastily answered, "The horse on top hurt its hoof, and the
-one on the bottom is carrying him back to the stable."
-	The daughter shook her head and sadly replied, "Isn't that just the
-way it goes?  Try to help someone and you get fucked."
-%
-	One night when his charge was pretty high, Micro-Farad decided to
-seek out a cute little coil to let him discharge.  He picked up Milli-Amp
-and took her for a ride on his Megacycle.  They rode across the Wheatstone
-bridge, around the sine waves, and stopped in the magnetic field by the
-flowing current.  Micro-Farad, attracted by Milli-Amp's characteristic curves,
-soon had her fully charged and excited, her resistance to a minimum.  He laid
-her on the ground potential, raised her frequency, and lowered her reluctance.
-He pulled out his high voltage probe and inserted it into her socket,
-connecting them in parallel and began short circuiting her resistance shunt.
-Fully excited, Milli-Amp mumbled:  "OHM-OHM-OHM."
-	With his tube operating at a maximum and her field vibrating with
-his current flow, it caused her shunt to overheat, and Micro-Farad was rapidly
-discharged and drained of every electron.  They Fluxed all night trying
-various connections and sockets until his magnet had a soft core and lost
-all of its field strength.
-	Afterwards, Milli-Amp tried self-induction and damaged her solenoids.
-With his battery fully discharged, Micro-Farad was unable to excite his field,
-so they spent the night reversing polarity and blowing each others fuses.
-		-- Eddie Currents, "The Sex Life of an Electron"
-%
-	One of my favorite Zoo jokes has to do with a woman who, while
-visiting the zoo, decided to have a little fun with the Gorilla.  She walks
-up to his cage, reaches in, and begins to fondle the beast.  Needless to
-say, the animal becomes quite excited, and as he tries to reciprocate in
-kind, the woman steps back and gives him a raspberry...!
-	The gorilla becomes enraged.  He rips the bars from his cage, grabs
-the woman, drags her back into the cage, and ravishes her.  While doing so,
-he inflicts a great deal of harm upon her person.
-	Later, at the hospital, a neighbor of the woman visits and exclaims,
-"Oh, you poor dear...!  Are you hurt?"
-	"Hurt!", "Hurt!?" the injured lady sobs, "He doesn't phone.  He
-never writes..."
-%
-	One PAYDAY, MR. GOODBAR wanted a BIT O' HONEY.  So he took his Miss
-HERSHEY behind the POWERHOUSE on the corner of 5th AVENUE and CLARK where he
-there began to feel her MOUNDS.  And that was an ALMOND JOY which definitely
-made his TOOTSIE ROLL.
-	He let out a SNICKER as he slipped his BUTTERFINGER up her KIT KAT
-which of course caused the MILKY WAY.  She screamed "OH, HENRY!" as she
-squeezed his PETER, PAUL and ZAGNUTS and said "you're better then the 3
-MUSKETEERS."
-		-- John Volby (Dr. Dirty), "The Candy Bar Poem"
-%
-	One spring evening, after a hard rain, grandpa and grandson were
-sitting out on the porch, talking.  Grandpa spied a worm crawling up out
-of its hole and said to his grandson, "Sonny, if you can get that there
-worm back down its hole, I'll give you five dollars."
-	"Sure!", says sonny, and runs in the house.  Out he runs an
-instant later with a can of hairspray, grabs the worm, and sprays it with
-the hairspray as it dangles earthward.  He then slips the stiff worm back
-into its hole and turns to his grandpa with a huge smile on his face.
-	"Well, I'll be.  That was pretty smart there, boy.", he says.
-"Here's your fiver.", he adds as he fishes out a bill.  By then it's almost
-dark, and they say their goodnights and part.
-	The next day sonny's playing out on the porch, and grandpa comes
-out of the house and gives him a five.  "But you gave me my five yesterday,
-grandpa.", he remarks.
-	"Yep, I know.  This is from your Grandma."
-%
-	"Our school, madame, postulates, first of all, that since the
-science of mathematics is an abstract science, it is best inculcated by
-some concrete example."
-	Said the Queen, "But that sounds rather complicated."
-	"It occasionally leads to complications," Jurgen admitted, "through
-a choice of the wrong example.  But the axiom is no less true."
-	"Come, then, and sit next to me on this couch if you can find it in
-the dark; and do you explain to me what you mean."
-	"Why, madame, by a concrete example I mean one that is perceptible
-to any of the senses -- as to sight or hearing, or touch --"
-	"Oh, oh!" said the Queen, "now I perceive what you mean by a concrete
-example.  And grasping this, I can understand that complications must of
-course arise from a choice of the wrong example."
-		-- James Branch Cabell, "Jurgen"
-%
-	Out on the great American desert one day, a bald eagle reached a
-state of great libidal distress.  Pickings were slim, but in time, he saw a
-dove flying by.  "Better than nothin'", he muttered (birds in jokes can mutter)
-and swooped down, grabbed the dove and flew to his nest.  Feathers flew, and
-eventually the dove tottered to the edge of the cliff and shouted (yes, they
-shout, too):
-	"I'm a dove!  I've been loved!  And I LIKE it!"
-	Well, this took care of the old boy for a while but soon enough he
-was at it again.  All he could find was a lark, so away he went, and feathers
-flew and soon the lark tottered to the edge of the cliff and shouted:
-	"I'm a lark!  I've been sparked!  And I LIKE it!"
-	As you can guess, some time later our friend was again in need of
-amor... lib... you know!  This time, all that happened by was... a duck!
-So down he swooped, and feathers flew, and the next thing seen is the duck
-tottering to the cliffside and shouting:
-	"I'M A DRAKE!  THERE'S BEEN A MISTAKE!  AND I DON'T LIKE IT!!!
-%
-	Overheard in a bar:
-Man: "Hey, Baby, I'd sure like to get in your pants!"
-Woman: "No, thanks, I've already got one ass-hole in there now."
-%
-	People who claim to know jackrabbits will tell you they are primarily
-motivated by Fear, Stupidity and Craziness.  But I have spent enough time in
-jackrabbit country to know that most of them lead pretty dull lives; they are
-bored with their daily routines:  eat, fuck, sleep, hop around a bush now and
-then... No wonder some of them drift over the line into cheap thrills once in
-a while; there has to be a powerful adrenaline rush in crouching by the side of
-a road, waiting for the next set of headlights to come along, then streaking
-out of the bushes with split-second timing and making it across to the other
-side just inches in front of the speeding front wheels.
-	Why not?  Anything that gets the adrenaline moving like a 440 volt
-blast in a copper bathtub is good for the reflexes and keeps the veins free
-of cholesterol ...  but too many adrenaline rushes in any given time-span has
-the same bad effect on the nervous system as too many electro-shock treatments
-are said to have on the brain:  after a while you start burning out the
-circuits.
-	When a jackrabbit gets addicted to road running, it is only a matter
-of time before he gets smashed -- and when a journalist turns into a politics
-junkie he will sooner or later start raving and babbling in print about things
-that only a person who has Been There can possibly understand.
-		-- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing:
-		   On the Campaign Trail"
-%
-	People who write position papers often find themselves in an
-enviable position.  They are hired to write papers for both sides of the
-position.
-	A good position paper will have many words in it like
-"superincumbence," "egress," and "plurification."
-	You will not often find the phrase "lightweight dropcase
-limp-wristed motherfucker" in a serious position paper.
-	Charts and multiplication tables should always be included in
-position papers.  They should look complicated enough to make Albert
-Einstein stagger across the room for a Tylenol.
-	A good position paper will never underestimate the value of a
-semicolon.
-		-- Dan Jenkins, "Baja Oklahoma"
-%
-	Rosenberg wanted to leave the country.  "And what is *your*
-reason?" asks the official at the Passport Office.
-	"I am told a pogrom is being prepared.  Against the Jews and
-the barbers," replies Rosenberg.
-	"Why the barbers?"
-	"Everybody asks that question.  That's why I want to leave."
-%
-	Santa Claus comes down the chimney and the nubile sixteen-year-old
-has been waiting for him.  Santa sees her, and in typically unflappable
-Santa-style says, "And what do you want for Christmas, little girl?"
-	The girl, and she's not so little, tells him.  Well, Santa is
-definitely flapped by this, but he manages to come out with, "Ho ho ho,
-gotta go, gotta get the children their toys, you know."
-	The girl, not to be daunted, takes off her robe.  "Aw, please stay
-Santa," she begs.
-	He replies, "Ho ho ho, gotta go, gotta get the children their toys,
-you know."
-	She then takes off her pajama top, her firm pouting breasts pointing
-at Santa like an accusation.  "Aw, please stay Santa," she pleads.
-	"Ho ho ho, gotta go, gotta get the children their toys, you know."
-	Finally, she takes off her pajama bottoms, revealing to Santa her
-warm mound of delight.  "Aw, please stay, Santa," she begs.
-	Being only mortal, Santa finally gives in, sighing, "Hey hey hey,
-gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my dick this way."
-%
-	Sentenced to two years hard labor (for sodomy), Oscar Wilde
-stood handcuffed in driving rain waiting for transport to prison.  "If
-this is the way Queen Victoria treats her prisoners," he remarked, "she
-doesn't deserve to have any."
-%
-	Shortly after arriving at their honeymoon destination, the
-still-nervous groom became worried about the state of his bride's innocence.
-Deciding on a direct confrontation, he quickly undressed, pointed at his
-exposed manhood and asked his mate, "Do you know what this is?"
-	Without hesitation, she blushingly answered, "That's a wee-wee."
-	Delighted at the idea of instructing his naive wife in the ways of
-love, the husband whispered, "From now on, dearest, this will be called a
-prick."
-	"Oh, come now," the girl chided.  "I've seen lots of pricks and I
-assure you, that's a wee-wee."
-%
-	Shortly after Churchill had grown a moustache, he was accosted by a
-certain young lady whose political views were in direct opposition to his
-own.  Fancying herself something of a wag, she exclaimed, "Mr. Churchill, I
-care for neither your politics nor your moustache."  Unabashed, the young
-statesman regarded her quietly for a moment, then wryly commented, "Suck my
-dick."
-		-- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
-%
-	"Sir", said the beggar, "can you spare fifty dollars for a cup of
-coffee?"
-	"Fifty dollars for a cup of coffee, one should be sufficient!",
-answered the gentleman, rather shortly.
-	"I know", replied the beggar, "but coffee always makes me horny."
-%
-	So this traveling salesman got an audience with the Pope.
-"Hey, father," he said, "have you heard the joke about the two Polacks
-who --"
-	"My son," the Pope reminded him, "I'm Polish."
-	The salesman thought for a moment.  "That's okay, Father," he
-said. "I'll tell it very slowly."
-%
-	"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a
-sympathetic pal seated next to him in a bar.
-	"How do you know?" the friend asked.
-	"She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where
-she'd been she said she'd spent the night with her sister Shirley."
-	"So?"
-	"So, she's a liar.  I spent the night with her sister Shirley."
-%
-	The big problem with pornography is defining it.  You can't
-just say it's pictures of people naked.  For example, you have these
-primitive African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot,
-and they have to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal
-saying goes: "N'wam k'honi soit qui mali," which means, "If you think
-you can catch a wildebeest in this climate and wear clothes at the same
-time, then I have some beach front property in the desert region of
-Northern Mali that you may be interested in."
-	So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic
-publishes color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest
-naked, or pounding one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason
-naked, or whatever.  But if National Geographic were to publish an
-article entitled "The Girls of the California Junior College System
-Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some people would call it pornography.  But
-others would not.  And still others, such as the Spectacularly Rev.
-Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing the wildebeest naked.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
-%
-	The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff: "You
-claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle in
-his hand.  But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?"
-
-	"Yes," he admitted, "his wife.  Very charming, of course, but
-not much good in a fight."
-%
-	The devout Jew was beside himself because his son had been dating
-a shiksa, so he went to visit his rabbi.  The rabbi listened solemnly to
-his problem, took his hand, and said, "Pray to God."
-	So the Jew went to the synagogue, bowed his head, and prayed, "God,
-please help me.  My son, my favorite son, he's going to marry a shiksa, he
-sees nothing but goyim..."
-	"Your son," boomed down this voice from the heavens, "you think
-you got problems.  What about my son?"
-%
-	The doctor had just finished giving the young man a thorough
-physical examination.  "The best thing for you to do," the M.D. said,
-"is give up drinking, give up smoking, get to bed early and stay away
-from women."
-	"Doc, I don't deserve the best," pleaded his patient.  "What's
-second best?"
-%
-	The famous Nell Gwynn, stepping one day from a house where she had
-made a short visit into her coach, saw a great crowd assembled, and her
-footman all bloody and dirty; the fellow being asked by his mistress, the
-reason for his being in that condition, answered, "I have been fighting,
-madam, with an impudent rascal who called your ladyship a whore."
-	"You blockhead," replied Mrs. Gwynn, "at this rate you must fight
-every day of your life; why, you fool, all the world knows it."
-	"Do they?" cries the fellow, in a muttering voice, after he had shut
-the coach door, "they shan't call me a whore's footman for all that."
-		-- Henry Fielding, "Tom Jones"
-%
-	The foreman of a lumber camp put a new workman on the circular saw.
-As he turned away, he heard the man say, "Ouch!".
-	"What happened?"
-	"Dunno," replied the man.  "I just stuck out my hand like this, and
--- well, I'll be damned.  There goes another one!"
-%
-	The Gray-haired Woman's Complaint
-
-My back aches, my pussy is sore;
-I simply can't fuck any more;
-	I'm covered with sweat,
-	And you haven't come yet,
-And my God, it's a quarter to four!
-%
-	The honeymooning couple agreed it was a fine day for horseback riding.
-After a mile or so, the bride's mount cantered under a low tree and a
-branch scraped her forehead lightly.  The groom dismounted, glared at his
-wife's horse, and said, "That's number one."
-	The ride then proceeded.  After another mile or so, the bride's
-horse stumbled over a pebble and the lady suffered a slight jostling.
-Again, her man leapt from his saddle and strode over to the nervous animal.
-"That's two," he said.
-	Five miles later, the bride's horse became frightened when a rabbit
-crossed its path, reared up and threw the girl.  Immediately, the groom was
-off his horse.  "That's three!", he shouted, and, pulling out a pistol, he
-shot the horse between the eyes.
-	"You brute!" shrieked his bride.  "Now I see the kind of man I
-married!  You're a sadist, that's what!"
-	The groom turned to her coolly.  "That's one," he said.
-%
-	The man standing at the bar (in court, unfortunately) was well-
-dressed, alert and obviously intelligent.  The judge asked him how he
-pleaded to the charge of rape and, much to the magistrate's surprise, he
-replied, "Not guilty by reason of insanity, your Honor."
-	"Insanity?" exclaimed the judge.
-	"Yes, sir," said the defendant.  "I'm just crazy about it."
-%
-	The new patron was amazed by the cleanliness of the restaurant.  A
-waiter approached the table.  "Good afternoon, sir.  What may I serve you?"
-	"I'll have the steak dinner," the man answered.
-	As the waiter headed for the kitchen, the diner noticed that he
-wore a spotless white apron and clean white gloves.  Soon the waiter
-returned, bearing a casserole dish on a cart which he uncovered to reveal
-two tempting filet mignons.  From a covered pocket in his apron he produced
-a small pair of shining silver tongs and with them he transferred the meat
-from the steaming casserole to the diner's plate.  "We never touch anything
-with our hands," he explained.
-	The waiter continued serving.  "Confidentially," he said, "we even
-have a special set of rules about visiting the lavatory.  Do you see this
-little piece of string attached to my apron?"
-	"Yes," the diner replied.  "I noticed that all the aprons had one."
-	The waiter put a large browned potato on the plate with his tongs.
-"Well," he began, "if I should have to go to the bathroom, that string
-comes in very handily.  I simply unzip my pants and take it out with that
-piece of string.  That way everything stays sanitary."
-	"But how do you put it back?"
-	"Well, I don't know about the other guys," the waiter confided, "but
-I use the tongs."
-%
-	The old mailman is making his last rounds; he retires at the end of
-the week.  As he approaches the Jones' house, Mrs. Jones greets him warmly at
-the door.  "Please come in!  We're very grateful for your years of service to
-us and our neighborhood.  I've prepared something special for you."
-	In walks the mailman, to a graciously appointed dining room, where
-Mrs. Jones has prepared a sumptuous lunch.  After dumping his letter satchel
-on the couch, he and Mrs. Jones have a charming meal.  As the mailman finished
-his last glass of wine, thanking his hostess profusely, she stops him from
-leaving and disappears upstairs.  She returns in a moment, in a daring
-negligee, and takes the astonished postman to the bedroom, where the elaborate
-farewell is consummated between the sheets.
-	As he's putting his pants on, Mrs. Jones reaches into her nightstand,
-pulls out a dollar bill, and hands it to him.  Reacting to his astonished
-look, she says, "Well, I told my husband that you were retiring and that
-we should do something for you.  He said 'Fuck him.  Give him a dollar!'"
-She pauses and smiles proudly. "The lunch was MY idea."
-%
-	The other day my girlfriend and I were going to a party and on the
-way there, we got a flat tire.  We got out of the car and I pumped, she
-jacked I pumped, she jacked, I pumped, she jacked and then we changed the
-tire.  Eventually we arrived at the party and when we walked in, everyone was
-jumping for joy.  What a sight seeing her hanging nude from the chandelier!
-Well the party was OK, I guess, we just sat around drinking sherry and eating
-candy.  Everybody else started feeling merry.  Those have got to be the three
-wildest girls I know.
-%
-	The people of Halifax invented the trampoline.  During the Victorian
-period the tripe-dressers of Halifax stretched tripe across a large wooden
-frame and jumped up and down on it to `tender and dress' it.  The tripoline,
-as they called it, degenerated into becoming the apparatus for a spectator
-sport.
-	The people of Halifax also invented the harmonium, a device for
-castrating pigs during Sunday service.
-		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
-%
-	The radio was screaming: "Power to the People -- Right On!" John
-Lennon's political song, ten years too late.  "That poor fool should have
-stayed where he was," said my attorney.  "Punks like him only get in the
-way when they try to be serious."
-	"Speaking of serious," I said. "I think it's about time to get
-into the ether and the cocaine."
-	"Forget ether," he said. "Let's save it for soaking down the rug
-in the suite.  But here's this.  Your half of the sunshine blotter.  Just
-chew it up like baseball gum."
-	I took the blotter and ate it.  My attorney was now fumbling with
-the salt shaker containing the cocaine.  Opening it.  Spilling it.  Then
-screaming and grabbing at the air, as our fine white dust blew up and out
-across the desert highway.  A very expensive little twister rising up from
-the Great Red Shark.  "Oh, Jesus!" he moaned.  "Did you see what God just
-did to us?"
-		-- Raoul Duke, "Rolling Stone", issue 95, Nov. 11, 1971
-%
-	The Split-Atom Blues
-
-Gimme Twinkies, gimme wine,
-    Gimme jeans by Calvin Klein ...
-But if you split those atoms fine,
-    Mama keep 'em off those genes of mine!
-
-Gimme zits, take my dough,
-    Gimme arsenic in my jelly roll ...
-Call the devil and sell my soul,
-    But Mama keep dem atoms whole!
-		-- Milo Bloom, "Bloom County"
-%
-	THE TEN STAGES OF INTOXICATION
-
- 1. WITTY AND CHARMING:  This is after one or two drinks.  The tongue is
-	loosened and can yet remain in step with the brain.  In the "witty
-	and charming" state, one is likely to use foreign idioms and
-	phrases such as "au contraire" in place of "No way, Jose" or
-	"Bullsheyet".
- 2. RICH AND POWERFUL:  By the third drink, you begin mentioning the little
-	380 SL you've had your eye on down at the Mercedes place.
- 3. BENEVOLENT:  You'll buy her a Mercedes, too.  It's only money.
- 4. JUST ONE MORE AND THEN WE'LL EAT:  Stall tactic.
- 5. TO HELL WITH DINNER:  Just one more and then we'll eat.
- 6. PATRIOTIC:  The war stories begin.
- 7. CRANK UP THE "ENOLA GAY":  "We could have won in Nam, but..."
- 8. INVISIBLE:  So this is what the Ladies' Room looks like.
- 9. WITTY AND CHARMING PART II:  You know, you don't sweat much for a fat girl.
-10. BULLETPROOF:  Bull-sheyet, gimme them keys, I can drive.
-		-- Lewis Grizzard, "My Daddy Was a Pistol and I'm a Son
-		   of a Gun".
-%
-	The young male race horse came from a long line of winners, and did
-wonderfully in time trials.  However, in actual races he proved a little too
-romantic, and could never quite bring himself to pass a mare.
-	So one day the trainer went to him and told him he'd have to be
-castrated.  The young horse, knowing that it was either this or the glue
-factory, took it philosophically.  After all, having the operation was
-almost a certain guarantee of a long and illustrious racing career.
-	After a short recovery period, the horse was again run in time
-trials, and found to do as well as ever.  But the first time he actually
-ran in a race, he only went about ten paces, before getting a dejected look
-on his face, turning around, and ambling back to the starting gates.
-	"What's the matter?" asked the trainer, "you were doing great!"
-	"Yeah, well how would you feel" replied the horse, "if five thousand
-people took one look at you and shouted `they're off!'?"
-%
-	The young man took a blind date to the amusement park.  They went
-for a ride on the Ferris wheel.  The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.
-"What would you like to do next?" he asked.
-	"I wanna get weighed," she said.  So he took her over to the weight
-guesser.  Next they rode the roller coaster.  After that he bought her some
-popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.
-	"I wanna get weighed," she said, bluntly.
-	I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the boy, and
-using the excuse that he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.
-The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's
-wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?"
-	"Wousy," said the girl.
-%
-	Them Toad Suckers
-
-How 'bout them toad suckers, ain't they clods?
-Sittin' there suckin' them green toady frogs!
-
-Suckin' them hop toads, suckin' them chunkers,
-Suckin' them a leapy type, suckin' them flunkers.
-
-Look at them toad suckers, ain't they snappy?
-Suckin' them bog frogs sure make's 'em happy!
-
-Them hugger mugger toad suckers, way down south,
-Stickin' them sucky toads in they mouth!
-
-How to be a toad sucker, no way to duck it,
-Get yourself a toad, rear back, and suck it!
-		-- Mason Williams
-%
-	There are two couples that want to convert to Catholicism.  They go
-and see a priest and he tells them that the first requirement is to abstain
-from sex for thirty days.
-	Thirty days later, the couples come back to see the priest.  He asks
-the first couple if they passed the test.
-	"Father, we didn't so much as TOUCH one another during the last month.
-	"Congratulations," the priest replies, "you are now qualified to enter
-the Church."  Then, the priests asked the second couple how they did.
-	"Well, Father," the husband says, "everything was going just fine
-until the 27th day.  My wife bent over the freezer to get something out, and
-I just happened to notice that she didn't have any panties on.  I couldn't
-stand it any more, so I walked over to her, dropped my pants, and slipped it
-to her right there."
-	"That's DISGUSTING!", the priest bellows.  "I can never let you into
-the Church after something like that."
-	"I understand Father," the man replies sadly, "they won't let us
-into Safeway anymore either."
-%
-	There was an Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Newfoundlander sitting in
-a bar having a few drinks together.
-	The Englishman turns to the Frenchman, "So tell me, what do you do to
-drive your wife wild in bed?"
-	"Well", replies the Frenchman, "After we make love, I go out to the
-garden and pick some roses.  Then I take the petals off and put them all over
-her body. then I gently blow them off with a soft, even breath, and that drives
-her wild with desire."
-	"Interesting," the Englishman replies.  "After my wife and I make love
-I massage baby oil gently all over her body -- that works for me!"
-Then the pair turn to the Newfie and ask him what he does.
-	"Well...", he says, "when me and the old lady are through, I jump
-out of bed and wipe my dick off on the curtain.  And that REALLY drives
-her wild."
-%
-	These two project managers were walking through a residential area
-one day, when they saw a dog (also male) sitting on a lawn, licking its
-cock.  (Why do dogs do that?  Because they can).  Anyway, the first manager
-nudged the second and said, "Hey, look at that!  That really looks like fun
--- I wish I could do that!"
-	Whereupon the second manager replied, "Well, I don't know... I tried
-it once, and the damn dog bit me!"
-%
-	"They spend years searching for their natural parents, convinced their
-parents will be happy to see them.  I mean, really, can you imagine someone
-being happy to see an orphan?  Nobody wants them... that's why they're orphans!"
-	The speaker is Anne Baker, founder and guiding force behind
-Orphan-Off, an organization dedicated to keeping orphans confused about the
-whereabouts of their natural parents.  She is a woman with a mission:
-	"Basically, what we do is band together to exchange information
-about which orphans are looking for which parents in what part of the
-country.  We're completely computerized.
-	"The idea is to throw the orphans as many red herrings and false
-leads as possible.  We'll tell some twenty-three-year-old loser that his
-real parents can be found at a certain address on the other side of the
-country.  Well, by the time the kid shows up, the family is prepared.  They
-look over the kid's photos and information and they say, 'Oh, the Emersons...
-yeah, they used to live here... I think they moved out about five years ago.
-I think they went to Iowa, or maybe Idaho.'
-	"Bam, the door shuts in the kid's face and he's back to zero again.
-He's got nothing to go on but the orphan's pathetic determination to continue.
-	"It's really amazing how much these kids will put up with.  Last year
-we even sent one kid all the way to Australia.  I mean, really.  Besides, if
-your natural parents were Australian, would you want to meet them?"
-		-- "National Lampoon", September, 1984
-%
-	This 600-pound guy decides he can't go on living this way, so he seeks
-the help of a clinic and proceeds to go on a drastic diet.  It works: four
-months later he's down to 160 pounds and feeling great, except for one problem.
-He's covered with great folds of flesh where the fat used to be.  He calls
-up the clinic, and the doctor tells him not to worry.  "There's a special
-surgical procedure to correct this condition," the doctor assures him.  "Just
-come on over to the clinic."
-	"But doctor," the man pleads, "you don't understand.  I'm too
-embarrassed to be seen in public like this."
-	"Don't give it another thought," says the doctor.  "Simply pull up
-all the folds as high as they'll go, pile the flesh on top of your head, put
-on a top hat, and come on over."
-	The guy follows the instructions and provokes no comments until he
-reaches the clinic and is standing in front of the admitting nurse's desk,
-dying of self-consciousness.  "The doctor will be right with you," says the
-nurse.  "Say, what's that hole in the middle of your forehead?"
-	"My navel," blurts out the guy, "how d'ya like my tie?"
-%
-	This guy is taking a leak in a public men's room when a man enters
-with his arms held out from his sides, bent at the elbows with his hands
-dangling awkwardly, and comes over to him.
-	"Would you do me a favor and unzip my fly?" he asks.
-	Figuring the man to be a poor cripple, perhaps an accident victim,
-the guy obliges, not without a flush of embarrassment when the man next
-requests that he take out his prick and hold it in the appropriate position.
-	"Shake it off" is the next instruction, then "zip me up," and the
-guy follows orders, wincing at his own embarrassment and at the shame of
-being so helpless.
-	"Say, thanks," says the man, flouncing to the door.  "I can't do a
-*thing* 'til my nails dry!"
-%
-	This guy is walking down the beach one fine sunny day, feeling
-good, when suddenly he sees this woman with no arms or legs in a wheelchair,
-sobbing  like crazy.  He decides to be gallant, "What's wrong, miss?"
-	"I...<sob, sniffle>...I'm 21 and I <choke> I've never been kissed...
-<sniffle>"
-	So this guy, he decides, what the hell, let's cheer up the poor lady.
-He leans over and gives her a long wonderful kiss.  This does wonders, and
-the woman's face lights up and she grins from ear to ear, and the guy wanders
-away feeling wonderful.
-	Well, next week, the same guy is walking along the same beach, and
-sees the same girl who is once again sobbing her eyes out.  Gallant to the
-end, our hero says, "What's wrong, miss, can I help?"
-	"I...I'm <sob, sniffle, sniffle> 21 and I've never been fucked..."
-	The guy picks her up out of her chair, cuddles her close, and brings
-her over to the shore, and throws her into the water.  "Now you're fucked!"
-%
-	Three women and Feldstein were brought before the presiding judge.
-The women had been arrested for soliciting and he'd been was arrested for
-selling ties without a license.  "What do you do for a living?" the judge
-asked, pointing at the first girl.
-	"Your honor, I'm a model," she replied.
-	"Thirty days," was the sentence.  The judge turned to the second
-girl.  "What do you do for a living?" he asked.
-	"Your honor, I'm an actress."
-	"Thirty days."  Then he turned to the third girl.  "And how about
-you?" he demanded.
-	"Well, your honor, I'm a prostitute.  I'm not proud of it, but it's
-the only way I can support my mother and my children since my husband's been
-laid off."
-	"For telling the truth," he said, "I'm going to suspend sentence.
-Furthermore, here's $100 to help your family out."  Now he turns to Feldstein,
-arrested for selling ties illegally.  "And you," he said, "what do you do
-for a living?"
-	"Your honor, I'm a prostitute.  I'm not proud..."
-%
-	Two buddies had been out drinking for hours when their money finally
-ran out.  "I have an idea," croaked Al.  "Lesh go over to my housh and borrow
-shum money from my wife."
-	The two of them reeled into Al's living room, snapped on the light,
-and lo and behold, there was Al's wife making love on the sofa to another man.
-This state of affairs considerably unnerved Al's friend but didn't seem to
-affect the husband.
-	"Shay, dear, you have any money for your ever-lovin' hushban?" he
-asked.
-	"Yes, yes," she snapped.  "Take my purse from the mantle, and for
-Pete's sake, turn off those lights."
-	Outside they examined the purse, and Al proudly announced, "There's
-enough here for a pint for you and a pint for me.  Pretty good, eh, old buddy?"
-	"But, Al," protested his friend, somewhat sobered by the spectacle
-he'd just witnessed, "what about that fellow back there with your wife?"
-	"The hell with him," replied Al.  "Let him buy his own pint."
-%
-	Two Englishmen struck up a conversation with an American in the club
-car of a train headed east out of Chicago.
-	"I say," queried the younger Englishman, "have you ever been to
-London?"
-	The American laughed.  "It was my home for two years during the war,"
-he said.  "Had some of the wildest times of my life in that old town."
-	The older Englishman, a little hard of hearing, asked, "What did
-he say, Reggie?"
-	"He said he's been to London, father," the younger Englishman
-replied.
-	After a little lull in the conversation, the young man asked, "You
-didn't, by any chance, meet a Hazel Wimbleton in London, did you?"
-	The American almost fell off his chair.  "Hot Pants Hazel!" he
-exclaimed.  "My God, I shacked up with that horny broad for three months
-just before I came back to the States!"
-	"What did he say, Reggie?" the older Englishman wanted to know.
-	"He says he knows Mother," the younger Englishman responded.
-%
-	Two gay guys, Larry and Phil, were driving down the highway when they
-were rear-ended by a huge semi.  Somewhat shaken, they maneuvered over to the
-side of the road, where Phil instructed Larry to get out and confront the truck
-driver.  "Tell him we're going to sue, sue, sue!" he shrieked.
-	Obligingly, Larry got out and went around to the cab of the truck to
-deliver this message to the huge, burly driver, whose response was to snarl,
-"Ah, why doncha suck my cock."
-	"Phil," said Larry, coming back to their car, "I think we're going
-to be able to settle out of court."
-%
-	Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn
-how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay,
-you say `ass' and I'll say `hell'".
-	All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where
-their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast.
-	"Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios."
-His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the
-room, and turns to the younger brother.  "What'll you have?"
-	"I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass
-it ain't gonna be Cheerios."
-%
-	Two longtime friends sipped Scotch in a local bar and talked about
-their troubles.  "And on top of everything else," said the first, "my wife
-has cut me down to just once a week."
-	"That's too bad," agreed his friend, "but it could be worse.  I know
-two guys she's cut off altogether.
-%
-	Two morticians alternated in sharing the responsibility of covering
-the night shift. One early morning about 3:00 am, a body was brought into the
-mortuary, and the mortician began work.  When he had unclothed the corpse, he
-noticed a cork in the anus. Removing it, the strains of "Hello, Dolly, well,
-hello, Dolly...!" were plainly heard being sung.  He put the cork back, and
-the singing stopped. Pulling it out again, the same song started, "You're
-lookin' swell, Dolly!".  Amazed, he telephoned his partner, and insisted he
-come immediately to see something very unusual. Roused from sleep, the partner
-asked if it could wait until morning. It took great persistence, but finally
-the partner agreed to dress and come down to the shop.  When he got there, he
-said, "Now what was it that was so important you had to get me out of bed at
-this ungodly hour?"
-	The man said, "Come into the embalming room."
-	They go into the embalming room, and the first partner says, "Now
-watch."
-	He pulls out the cork, and the anus takes off singing again. The
-partner looks at him disgustedly and says:  "You brought me down here at
-three in the morning just to hear some asshole sing Hello Dolly"?
-%
-	Two women were walking down the street, when one nudges the other
-and says, "There's my husband coming out of the florist's with a dozen
-roses, damn it.  That means I'll have to keep my legs up in the air for
-three days."
-	Replies her friend, "Well, why don't you buy a vase?"
-
-%
-	We were somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the desert when the
-drugs began to take hold.  I remember saying something like "I feel a bit
-lightheaded; maybe you should drive ..."  And suddenly there was a terrible
-roar all around us and the sky was full of what looked like huge bats, all
-swooping and screeching and diving around the car, which was going about a
-hundred miles an hour with the top down to Las Vegas.  And a voice was
-screaming: "Holy Jesus!  What are these goddamn animals?"
-	Then it was quiet again.  My attorney had taken his shirt off and
-was pouring beer on his chest, to facilitate the tanning process.  "What the
-hell are you yelling about?" he muttered, staring up at the sun with his
-eyes closed and covered with wraparound Spanish sunglasses.  "Never mind,"
-I said.  "It's your turn to drive."  I hit the brakes and aimed the Great
-Red Shark toward the shoulder of the highway.  No point in mentioning the
-bats, I thought.  The poor bastard will see them soon enough.
-		-- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas:
-		   A Savage Journey to the Heart of the American Dream"
-%
-	Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just
-felt great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT).  Anyway,
-he just felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and
-roared at him: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
-	And this poor quaking little monkey replied: "You are of
-course, no one is mightier than you."
-	A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, and just
-bellows out: "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE
-ANIMALS?"
-	The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages
-to stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the
-jungle."
-	The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that
-was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice:
-"WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?"  Well, this
-elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams him down;
-picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of
-orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree.
-The tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and says:
-"Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so
-pissed."
-%
-	Well, this woman went to the butcher shop to get some ham for dinner.
-She asked the butcher what kind of ham he recommended, and the butcher said,
-"Well ma'am, we got some Damn ham here for $3.50 a pound..."  Needless to
-say, she was surprised at the butcher's language!  The butcher, who was
-reasonably astute, noticed the alarmed look on the woman's face, and quickly
-justified himself.  "No, no, ma'am, I wasn't cursin', the NAME of this here
-ham is "Damn ham".  Amused, the woman requested some "Damn ham."
-	That night, before dinner, the woman took her husband aside and
-explained what had happened at the butcher shop.  He also was amused, and
-suggested that they play a joke on their son.  So, at dinner, after grace,
-the man turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pass the damn ham."
-	Their son looked up, surprised.  "WHOAH!  Dad be gettin' hip!
-How 'bout them mother-fuckin' potatoes?"
-%
-	"What the hell are you getting so upset about?  I thought you
-didn't believe in God."
-	"I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the
-God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God.  He's
-not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be."
-		-- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
-%
-	When the noted playwright George Bernard Shaw sent him two tickets to
-the opening night of his new play with a note that read: "Bring a friend, if
-you have one," Churchill, not to be outdone, promptly wired back: "You and
-your play can go fuck yourselves."
-		-- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
-%
-	When the surgeon came to see her on the morning after her
-operation, the young woman asked her somewhat hesitantly how long it
-would be before she could resume her sex life.  "I really haven't
-thought about it," gulped the stunned surgeon.  "You're the first
-patient who's asked me that after a tonsillectomy!"
-%
-	"Where'd she get those crow's feet?"
-	"You really want to know?"
-	"Yeah."
-	"From squinting and screaming, "Suck what!?"
-%
-	While serving as a subaltern in the Boer War, the young Churchill was
-asked by a superior officer to give his opinion of the Boers as soldiers.
- "They're assholes, sir," he ventured, then paused briefly and added, with a
-whimsical smile, "They're assholes."
-		-- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
-%
-	While visiting our country, a lovely French maiden found herself
-out of money just as her visa expired.  Unable to pay her passage back to
-France, she was in despair until an enterprising sailor made her a sporting
-proposition.  "My ship is sailing tonight," he said.  "I'll smuggle you
-aboard, hide you down in the hold and provide you with a mattress, blankets
-and food.  All it will cost you is a little love."
-	The girl consented, and late that night the sailor sneaked her on
-board his vessel.  Twice each day thereafter, the sailor smuggled a large
-tray of food below decks, took his pleasure with the little French stowaway
-and departed.  The days turned into weeks, and the weeks might have turned
-into months if the captain hadn't noticed the sailor carrying food below one
-evening and followed him.  After witnessing this unique bit of barter, he
-waited until the sailor had departed and then confronted the girl, demanding
-an explanation.  She told him the whole story.
-	"Hmmm," mused the captain.  "A clever arrangement, and I must say I
-admire that young seaman's ingenuity.  However, miss, I feel it is only fair
-to tell you that this is the Staten Island Ferry."
-%
-	"Why did you spend so much time parked in that fellow's car last
-night?" demanded the irate mother.
-"I could hear the giggling and squealing for a good half hour."
-	"But, Mom," answered her daughter, "if a fellow takes you to the
-movies you ought to at least kiss him good night."
-	"I thought you went to the Stork Club?" countered the mother.
-	"We did."
-%
-	With deep concern, if not alarm, Dick noted that his friend
-Conrad was drunker than he'd ever seen him before.  "What's the trouble,
-buddy?", he asked, sliding onto the stool next to his friend.
-	"It's a woman, Dick," Conrad replied.
-	"I guessed that much.  Tell me about it."
-	"I can't," Conrad said.  But after a few more drinks his tongue
-and resolution both seemed to weaken and, turning to his buddy, he said,
-"Okay. It's your wife."
-	"My wife!!"
-	"Yeah."
-	"What about her?"
-	Conrad pondered the question heavily, and draped his arm around
-his pal.  "Well, buddy-boy," he said, "I'm afraid she's cheating on us."
-%
-	"Yes, sir, the bowling ball nipple rings in black.  Will there
-be anything else?"
-%
-	You see, this girl wakes up one morning, rolls over and sees an
-elephant in the bed with her.  Almost in shock, she says, "Did I pick you
-up in the bar last night?"
-	"Uh-huh," the  elephant replies.
-	"Did I bring you home?"
-	"Uh-huh."
-	"Did we, uh, fool around?"
-	"Uh-huh."
-	"Lord, I must have been tight!"
-	"Not any more."
-%
-... and no philosophy, sadly, has all the answers.  No matter how assured
-we may be about certain aspects of our belief, there are always painful
-inconsistencies, exceptions, and contradictions.  This is true in religion
-as it is in politics, and is self-evident to all except fanatics and the
-naive.  As for the fanatics, whose number is legion in our own time, we
-might be advised to leave them to heaven.  They will not, unfortunately, do
-us the same courtesy.  They attack us and each other, and whatever their
-protestations to peaceful intent, the bloody record of history makes clear
-that they are easily disposed to restore to the sword.  My own belief in
-God, then, is just that -- a matter of belief, not knowledge.  My respect
-for Jesus Christ arises from the fact that He seems to have been the most
-virtuous inhabitant of Planet Earth.  But even well-educated Christians are
-frustrated in their thirst for certainty about the beloved figure of Jesus
-because of the undeniable ambiguity of the scriptural record.  Such ambiguity
-is not apparent to children or fanatics, but every recognized Bible scholar
-is perfectly aware of it.  Some Christians, alas, resort to formal lying to
-obscure such reality.
-		-- Steve Allen
-%
-... And then there's the guy who bought 20,000 bras, cut them in half,
-and sold 40,000 yamalchas with chin straps ...
-%
-... But the reward of a successful collaboration is a thing that cannot
-be produced by either of the parties working alone.  It is akin to the
-benefits of sex with a partner, as opposed to masturbation.  The latter
-is fun, but you show me anyone who has gotten a baby from playing with
-him or herself, and I'll show you an ugly baby, with just a whole bunch
-of knuckles.
-		-- Harlan Ellison
-%
-... Let me tell you who the actual "front-runners" are.  On one side,
-you have George Bush, who is currently going through a sort of
-fraternity hazing wherein he has to perform a series of humiliating
-stunts to win the approval of the Republican Right.  For example, they
-had him make a speech oozing praise all over William Loeb, deceased
-publisher of the Manchester (N.H.) Union Leader and Slime Journalist.
-Loeb had dumped viciously all over George in the 1980 New Hampshire
-primary.  But when the Right held a big tribute for Loeb, George came
-back to the fold, like a man with a bungee cord wrapped around his
-neck.
-		-- Dave Barry, "The Twinkie and the Squid"
-%
-... So this is a very confusing situation, and what makes it even worse
-is, our standards keep changing.  Take Playboy magazine.  Back in the
-1950s, when I started reading it strictly for the articles, Playboy was
-considered just about the raciest thing around, even though all it ever
-showed was women's breasts.  Granted, any given one of these breasts
-would have provided adequate shelter for a family of four, but the
-overall effect was no more explicit than many publications we think
-nothing of today, such as Sports Illustrated's Annual Nipples Poking
-Through Swimsuits Issue.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
-%
-... which the Minstrel was supposed by some authorities to have composed
-beneath the gibbet at Elsdon on the occasion of his hanging, drawing and
-quartering for misguidedly climbing into bed with Sir Oswald Capheughton's
-wife, Lady Fleur, when that noble lord was not only in it, but in her at
-the same time.  Minstrel Flawse's introduction of himself into Sir Oswald
-had met with that reaction known as dog-knotting on the part of all
-concerned...
-I gan noo wha ma organs gan
-When oft I lay abed			I should ha' known 'twas never Fleur
-So rither hang me upside doon		That smelt so mooch of sweat
-Than by ma empty head.			For she was iver sweet and pure
-					And iver her purse was wet.
-But old Sir Oswald allus stank
-Of horse and hound and dung		So hang me noo fra' Elsdon tree
-And when I chose to breech his rank	And draw ma innards out
-Was barrel to my bung.			That all the wald around may see
-					What I have done without.
-But ere ye come to draw ma heart
-Na do it all so quick			So prick 'em wet or prick 'em dry
-But prise the arse of Oswald 'part	'Tis all the same to me
-And bring me back ma prick.		I canna wait for him to die
-					Afore I have a pee.
-		-- Tom Sharpe, "The Ballad of Prick 'Em Dry"
-%
-1. The sport of choice for the low skill level employees is: BASKETBALL.
-2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: BOWLING.
-3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is: FOOTBALL.
-4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: BASEBALL.
-5. The sport of choice for middle management is: TENNIS.
-6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: GOLF.
-
-AMAZING CONCLUSION: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller
-your balls.
-%
-10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man:
-
- 1. A beer NEVER leaves the toilet seat up.
- 2. A beer lasts longer than seven seconds.
- 3. A beer doesn't want to watch pro wrestling.
- 4. A beer won't expect you to cook dinner when you're not hungry.
- 5. A beer will never leave dirty socks on the floor.
- 6. A beer doesn't mind when your mother visits.
- 7. A beer does as many chores as a man, with a LOT less complaining.
- 8. A beer won't leave you for a younger woman.
- 9. A beer won't leave you for a younger man either.
-10. A beer won't tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow.
-%
-10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man:
-
- 1. A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling.
- 2. A beer won't think less of you if you can't name the Steelers'
-	quarterback.
- 3. A beer won't even act amazed if you can.
- 4. You don't have to let a beer win.
- 5. Just because you have dinner with a beer doesn't mean you have to
-	sleep with it, too.
- 6. A beer helps with the housework.
- 7. A beer will never fumble with your bra.
- 8. A beer will never take the newspaper apart before you've read it.
- 9. A beer doesn't want you to raise its children.
-10. A beer wouldn't mind if you wanted it to wear a condom.
-%
-10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man:
-
- 1. Having a beer can't make you pregnant.
- 2. A beer wouldn't trade you in on a sports car.
- 3. If a beer did have a sports car, it wouldn't love it more than you.
- 4. A beer doesn't want to go out alone with the other beers.
- 5. A beer wouldn't waste its money on Playbeer magazine.
- 6. You don't have to worry about getting AIDS from a bisexual beer.
- 7. A beer won't switch the TV channel.
- 8. A beer doesn't snore.
- 9. A beer doesn't care that you can't find your car's carburator.
-10. A beer doesn't think black leather bikinis are neat.
-%
-10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman:
-
- 1. Beer understands the difference between shooting down an unidentified
-	aircraft in a war zone and blowing a Korean airliner out of the sky.
- 2. A beer would never own a car with an automatic transmission.
- 3. A beer never fishes for compliments.
- 4. Beer tastes good.
- 5. A beer can enjoy an evening of watching "Johnny-the-Wadd-Holmes' Greatest
-	Hits" as much as you do.
- 6. An ice-cold beer will nonetheless let you have your way with it.
- 7. A beer won't ask you to pick up some tampons when you go to the store.
- 8. Beer never asks you to change the station.
- 9. A beer won't fill up your 'Vette with 85-octane gas because it's twenty
-	cents less expensive.
-10. A beer won't make you eat experimental vegetarian meals that taste
-	like grass.
-%
-10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman:
-
- 1. You can enjoy a beer all month.
- 2. Beer stains wash out.
- 3. Beer doesn't go crazy once a month.
- 4. Beer never makes you wait.
- 5. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
- 6. Beer doesn't have a lawyer "in the family".
- 7. A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer on your breath.
- 8. Beer doesn't demand equality.
- 9. Beer labels come off without a fight.
-10. Beer doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left.
-%
-15 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man:
-
- 1. A beer doesn't care that you don't balance your checkbook.
- 2. Tall, dark, good-looking beers are common.
- 3. A beer won't steal all the covers.
- 4. A beer doesn't have friends who will drink all your beer.
- 5. A beer wouldn't yell if you dented the car.
- 6. A beer doesn't buy everything labeled "turbo".
- 7. You don't have to laugh at a beer's jokes.
- 8. A beer is not kinky unless you want it to be kinky.
- 9. A beer always lets you read the Sunday comics first.
-10. A beer doesn't think poetry is queer.
-11. If the beer is finished before you are, you can have another beer.
-12. A beer won't talk about the women who had it before you.
-13. A beer's life does not revolve around the world series.
-14. A beer won't mind at all if you're not in the mood for beer.
-15. A beer will NEVER call you "Babe".  Or "Sugar".
-%
-18th Rule of Friendship:
-	A friend will let you hold the ladder while he goes up on the roof
-	to install your new aerial, which is the biggest son-of-a-bitch you
-	ever saw.
-		-- Esquire, May 1977
-%
-667 -- The neighbor of the beast.
-%
-68:
-	Do me now and I'll owe you one.
-%
-6802 hackers make great use of the SEX instruction.
-%
-69 + 69 = dinner for 4.
-%
-71:
-	69 with two fingers up your ass.
-		-- George Carlin
-%
-8 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman:
-
- 1. You rarely (if ever) find beer labels on the shower curtain rod.
- 2. A beer doesn't care when you come.
- 3. Beer doesn't have a mother.
- 4. Beer doesn't need much closet space.
- 5. A beer won't accuse you of lying when you say you read Playboy
-	"just for the articles".
- 6. Beer doesn't mind seeing Chuck Norris and Charles Bronson flicks.
- 7.  Beer doesn't always want to go to the 'powder room' with everyone
-	else's beer.
- 8. When you're through with a beer, the thought of another beer doesn't
-	make you ill.
-%
-A '49er walked into the saloon at Bloody Gulch.  He'd been prospecting for
-more than a year.
-	"Hey!  Y'got any wimmen around here?"
-	"Nope," the bartender replied, "But there's George in the back room."
-	"I don't go for that kind of thing," the prospector scowled.  He
-downed his drink and left disgustedly.
-A few months passed before the miner found his way down the mountain again.
-He stumbled into the tavern and asked the bartender, "Any wimmen pass through
-this part of town?"
-	"Nope.  Nary a one.  But we still got George in the back room."
-	Angry, the miner shouted, "I told you I don't go for that kind of
-thing," and turned on his heel and left.
-	Within a year he came back from his mine again.  With a wild look on
-his face he re-entered the saloon.  Leaning over the bar he whispered to the
-bartender, "If I was to go into the back room with George, how many people
-'round here would know?"
-	"Oh," the bartender said, scratching his chin, "'bout seven, I guess."
-	"Seven!?"
-	"Yep.  You, me, George, and the four men holdin' him down.  You see,
-George don't go for that kind of thing neither."
-%
-A 6'8", 280-pound Southerner walked into a NY bar, sat down next to a
-patron, and said, "Ah'm big, and ah'm bad, and I *loves* to fuck Northern
-women!"  The guy was so terrified that he put down his beer and ran out
-of the bar.
-	The Rebel moved over to the next guy and said, "Ah'm big and ah'm
-bad and I *loves* to fuck New York women."  The guy took one look at him,
-blanched and ran out of the bar.
-	The man then went over to a short little guy with "Bronx" written
-all over him.  "Ah'm big and ah'm bad and I *loves* to fuck your sister."
-	The short guy looked him up and down and said, "I don't blame
-you one bit.  She's *got* to be an improvement on yours."
-%
-A bar patron returned from the men's room grumbling to himself.
-	"What's the trouble, buddy?" the bartender inquired.
-	"You got John Wayne toilet paper in there!"
-	"What do you mean?" the barkeeper asked.
-	"It's rough, it's tough, and it doesn't take shit from nobody."
-%
-A beachcomber of 25 had been shipwrecked on a desert island since the age of
-six.  One day, while in search of food, he stumbled across a beautifully
-sensuous female lying on the beach nearly naked; she'd been washed ashore from
-another shipwreck that morning.  After they got over their initial surprise
-at seeing each other, the girl wanted to know how long he had been alone on
-this barren bit of land.
-	"Almost twenty years," he answered.
-	"Twenty years!" she exclaimed.  "But how ever did you survive?"
-	"Oh, I fish, dig for clams, and gather berries and coconuts," he
-replied.
-	"And what do you do for sex?" she asked.
-	"What's that?"  He looked puzzled.
-	Whereupon the maiden pulled the innocent young man down onto the sand
-beside her and proceeded to demonstrate.  After they had finished, she asked
-how he had enjoyed it.
-	"Great!" was the reply.  "But look what it did to my clamdigger!"
-%
-A beautiful man is paradise for the eyes, hell for the soul, and
-purgatory for the purse.
-%
-A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to see a gynecologist.  The doctor takes
-one look at this woman and his professionalism is a thing of the past.  Right
-away he tells her to undress.  After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her
-thigh.  As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
-	"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological
-abnormalities."
-	"Correct," says the doctor.  He then begins to fondle her breasts.
-"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he says.
-	"Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast
-cancer."
-	"That's right," replies the doctor.  He then gradually proceeds to
-having sexual intercourse with her.  "Do you know," he pants, "what I'm doing
-now?"
-	"Yes," she says.  "You're getting herpes."
-%
-A big store buyer had been on the road for nearly two months.  Each week he
-would send his wife a telegram saying,
-	"Can't come home yet.  Still buying."
-His wife knew that these buying trips usually involved more than business.
-She tolerated this particular jaunt for a while, but when the third month
-rolled by and she'd still seen nothing of her husband but the weekly telegrams,
-she wired him,
-	"Better come home.  I'm selling what you're buying."
-%
-A bisexual chap name of Lunt
-Taught himself an unusual stunt.
-	He could peel back his spout
-	Turn the skin inside out
-Like a glove, to be used as a cunt!
-%
-A bisexual is a man who likes girls as well as the next fellow.
-%
-A blind rabbit was hopping through the woods, tripping over logs and crashing
-into trees.  At the same time, a blind snake was slithering through the same
-forest, with identical results.  They chanced to collide head-on in a clearing.
-	"Please excuse me, sir, I'm blind and I bumped into you accidentally,"
-apologized the rabbit.
-	"That's quite all right," replied the snake, "I have the same
-problem!"
-	"All my life I've been wondering what I am," said the rabbit, "Do
-you think you could help me find out?"
-	"I'll try," said the snake.  He gently coiled himself around the
-rabbit. "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have a little fluffy tail
-and long ears.  You're... hmmm... you're probably a bunny rabbit!"
-	"Great!" said the rabbit.  "Thanks, I really owe you one!"
-	"Well," replied the snake, "I don't know what I am, either.  Do you
-suppose you could try and tell me?"
-	The rabbit ran his paws all over the snake.  "Well, you're low, cold
-and slimey..."  And, as he ran one paw underneath the snake, "and you have
-no balls.  You must be an attorney!"
-%
-A bureaucracy is like a septic tank -- all the really big shits float
-to the top.
-%
-A businessman was awe-struck by the beautiful redhead at the hotel bar.
-Seeing his interest, she quietly informed him that she was a prostitute
-and that her price was $500.  He was taken aback by the price, but after
-a few minutes of thought he took her up to his room.  She spent a few
-minutes in the bathroom and was shocked when she came out to see him
-masturbating furiously on the bed.  "What are you doing?", she asked.
-	"Baby, for $500, you're not going to get the easy one!"
-%
-A Catholic and a Methodist were carpooling to work one morning, when a brick
-fell out of the sky, which startled the driver and caused him to swerve off
-the road and into a telephone pole, totaling the car.
-	The two stumbled out of the wreckage, both feeling quite fortunate
-to be alive.  The Catholic crossed himself.  Then the Protestant crossed
-himself in an accentuated manner.
-	"Hey," said the Catholic, "Why did you cross yourself, you're not
-Catholic!"
-	"Just checking," replied his friend, crossing himself again,
-"spectacles, testicles, wallet, pen."
-%
-A certain bartender decided to try to get a few new customers into his bar
-by starting a gimmick involving a horse.  His claim was that if anyone could
-get the horse to laugh, he would give them drinks on the house.  The idea
-worked well and business improved until one night a young man walked in and
-whispered in the horse's ear.  The horse immediately burst into hysterical
-laughter and the man won the contest.  The next night the same thing
-happened: the man whispered in the horse's ear and the horse burst out
-laughing.  The next night, the bartender decided to change the rules.  Now,
-a person had to get the horse to cry in order to win the drinks on the
-house.  Later on that night, the same guy came in and said "Can I take the
-horse into the bathroom for a minute?  I promise I'll make him cry."  The
-bartender agreed and sure enough, when the man came out leading the horse,
-the horse was crying his eyes out.  The bartender could take it no more and
-said, "How did you make him laugh the other two nights?"
-	"I told him that my dick was bigger than his", replied the man.
-	"How did you make him cry tonight?"
-	"I proved it."
-%
-A chiseler is a man who goes stag to a wife-swapping party.
-%
-A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on
-Saturday and is going to do on Monday.
-		-- Thomas Ybarra
-%
-A clergical student named Simms
-Hums liturgical tunes while he rims:
-	A nice piece of ass
-	Gets the B-Minor Mass ...
-All the others get Anglican hymns.
-%
-A clitoris is a lot like Antarctica;
-most men know it's there, but few really care.
-%
-A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for
-the first time.
-		-- Alfred E. Wiggam
-%
-A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never
-learned to walk.
-		-- Franklin D. Roosevelt
-%
-A couple more shots of whiskey, women 'round here start looking good.
-
-		[something about a 10 being a 4 after a six-pack?  Ed.]
-%
-A couple took their young son for his first visit to the circus, and by
-chance their seats were next to the elephant pen.  When his father left
-to buy popcorn, the boy piped up,
-	"Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?"
-	"That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied.
-	"No, not that."
-	"Oh, that's the elephant's tail."
-	"No, Mom.  Down underneath."
-	His mother blushed and said, "Oh, that's nothing."
-	Pretty soon the father returned, and the mother went off to get
-a soda.  As soon as she had left the boy repeated his question.
-	"That's the elephant's trunk, son."
-	"Dad, I know what an elephant's trunk is.  The thing at the
-other end."
-	"Oh, that's the elephant's tail."
-	"No.  Down there."
-	The father took a good look and explained, "That's the elephant's
-penis."
-	"Dad, how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?"
-	The man took a deep breath and replied, "Son, I've *spoiled*
-that woman."
-%
-A definition of teaching: casting fake pearls before real swine.
-		-- Bill Cain, "Stand Up Tragedy"
-%
-A drunk was sitting at the end of the bar in a popular singles' place,
-watching a young, good-looking man working his way through the women.  The
-guy didn't appear to be having much luck, and he was only spending a few
-moments with each woman.  As he worked his way closer, while he couldn't
-hear what the young man was saying, he realized that the women were somewhat
-shocked at his approach.  Finally, the man approaches a pretty brunette and
-they hit it off immediately.  After a bit of quiet conversation, she handed
-the young man her hotel key and they started off for the elevators.  As they
-passed the drunk, he stopped the lucky one and asked him what his method was.
-	"Well," the man replied, "It's simple.  You say 'Tickle your ass
-with a feather?'  If she sounds interested, you take it from there.  If she
-sounds angry, you smile and say 'Typically nasty weather.'"
-	The drunk says "Ohhhhh, got it, I got it!" and walks over to a woman
-at the end of the bar to try out his new approach.  Getting her attention,
-he smiles and says "Fuck me!"
-	"What?!?!?" she screams.
-	"Raining like hell, isn't it?"
-%
-A figure with curves always offers a lot of interesting angles.
-%
-A fisherman from Maine went to Alabama on his vacation.  He rented a boat,
-rowed out to the middle of the lake, and cast his line, but when he looked
-down into the water he was horrified to see a man wrapped in chains lying
-on the bottom of the lake.  He quickly rowed to shore and ran to the police
-station.  "Sheriff, sheriff," he gasped, there's a guy wrapped in chains,
-drowned in the lake!"
-	"Now ain't that jest like a Yankee," drawled the sheriff, "to steal
-more chain than he can swim with?"
-%
-A fool is a man who worries about whether or not his lover has integrity.
-A wise man, on the other hand, busies himself with deeper attributes.
-%
-A friend of mine received a note through the mail advising him,
-	"If you don't stop making love to my wife, I'll kill you."
-The trouble is, the note wasn't signed.
-%
-A friend with weed is a friend indeed.
-%
-A friendly message from your Internal Revenue Service: tax time is
-coming again soon.  Bend over.
-%
-A gambler was telling a friend about his first junket to Las Vegas and how
-hard it was to get any sleep.
-	"I was awakened at one, two and four in the morning by a
-drunken chorus girl banging on the door and screaming," he recalled.
-	"That's terrible," the friend said." How'd you ever get any sleep?"
-	"At five o'clock I unlocked the door and let her out."
-%
-A game can by God repent or we'll punish it.
-That's how they did it in Salem in the seventeenth century,
-and that's how we'll do it now.
-		-- Dick Hamlet
-%
-A genius is a queer who can whistle while he works.
-		-- Bobby Knight
-%
-A girl's conscience doesn't really keep her from doing anything wrong--
-it merely keeps her from enjoying it.
-%
-A gorgeous young sophomore is having an affair with her English
-professor.  She goes home to visit her family for Christmas vacation
-and when she gets back, she immediately invites him over for the
-night.  As soon as he walks through the door she hugs him and
-asks, "Were you blue while I was away?"
-	"Blown, my dear," the professor corrects her, "blown."
-%
-A grade school teacher, who was doing a unit on World War II heard that
-the father of one of her students had been a fighter pilot during the war
-with one of the Scandinavian Air Forces.  She invited him to come in and
-speak to the class.  The guy was more than happy to talk, and began with
-a story about a morning patrol where he had been nearly shot down.
-	"We had been up for about 20 minutes flying over enemy held
-territory, when we noticed, just in time, 3 Fokkers diving on us from above."
-At the first mention of `Fokkers' the class giggled a little bit.
-	"Our group broke formation, and began the dog-fighting.  As we
-fought, we noticed 2 more Fokkers coming at us from above and 2 more
-Fokkers, fresh from the landing field, come to join the battle".
-At this second and third mention of `Fokkers' the class was almost laughing
-openly, and the teacher interrupted the story to ask the pilot to explain
-to the class that a `Fokker' was a particular type of plane flown by the
-German Air Force.
-	He replied, "Ya, dat is true, but these Fokkers were Messerschmitts."
-%
-A group of scientists discovered an apelike creature in the jungle, which
-they hoped would prove to be the missing link.  The proof of their theory,
-however, required that a human mate with the animal so that they could see
-what characteristics the offspring would assume.  Needing volunteers, the
-scientists placed an ad in the paper: "$5000 to mate with ape."
-	Almost immediately, they received response from a man who said he
-would be willing to take part in the experiment, with three conditions.
-	"First," he said, "my wife must never know.  Second, any children
-must be baptized.  And, third, I'd have to pay in installments."
-%
-A guy comes into a bar with a frog and sets it down next to the prettiest
-girl there.
-	"This is a very special frog," he informs her.  "His name is Charlie."
-	"What's so special about this frog?" she asks.
-He's reluctant to tell her, but when pressed, explains that,
-	"This frog can eat pussy."
-The girl slaps him, knocking him off his chair, and accuses him of telling her
-a filthy lie.  But no, he assures her, it's completely true.  And after much
-discussion, she agrees to come back to his apartment to see the frog in action.
-She positions herself appropriately, the guy carefully takes out the frog, and
-says, "Okay, Charlie, do your stuff!"  The frog is immobile, despite his
-owner's exhortations, and the girl starts to snicker.
-	"Okay, Charlie, do your stuff!"
-	"C'mon Charlie, do your stuff!"
-By now, the girl is laughing openly.
-	"Okay, Charlie," says the guy, moving the frog out of the way, "I'm
-only going to show you one more time."
-%
-A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer, carries it to the bathroom and dumps it
-into a urinal.  Over the course of the next few hours, he goes back to the bar
-and repeats this sequence -- several times.  Finally the bartender got so
-curious that he leaned over the bar and asked him what he was doing.
-	Replied the customer, "Avoiding the middleman."
-%
-A hand in a bird is worth two on 'er bush.
-%
-A hand in the bush is worth two on the bird.
-%
-A hard man is good to find.
-%
-A huge Rambolike fellow walked into a tavern and took a seat in the middle of
-the bar.  After downing a double in one gulp, he glared at the six men to his
-right and said, "You're all no-good motherfuckers.  Anyone have a problem with
-that?"
-	When no one said a word, the brawny fellow ordered another whiskey,
-downed it in one gulp, turned to the five men on his left and said, "You're
-all cocksuckers.  Anyone have a problem with that?"
-	Everybody on the left stared silently into his drink.  Suddenly, a man
-on the right stood up and started walking toward the big guy.  "Hey, asshole!"
-the thug bellowed.  "You got a problem with what I said?"
-	"No problem at all," came the reply.  "I was just sitting at the wrong
-end of the bar."
-%
-A hunter saved a native boy from a boa constrictor.  In gratitude, the boy gave
-the hunter a magic gorilla prick.  The lad said the prick would do anything you
-told it to do until you told it to do something else.  When the hunter returned
-home to England, he put the magic gorilla prick on the mantle along with some
-of his other trophies.  His wife thought it quaint and his story charming.  But
-soon, the hunter went a-safariing again.  He was away for months.  One evening,
-the woman eyed the MGP carefully and whispered, "Gorilla Prick, fuck me."
-Whereupon the thing jumped off the mantle and began to bang her with great
-thoroughness and ferocity.  For the first twenty minutes it was pure heaven,
-but after the next few minutes it became fatiguing, and she said, "Stop it,
-Gorilla Prick," but it didn't.  After a bit more she was screaming "Stop!
-Stop!" at the thing and trying to pull it out of her smoking hole.  But nothing
-worked.  Finally, the butler bursts into the room, summoned by her screams.
-	"Saunders, help me please!"
-	"But what is it, Madame?"
-	"It's a Magic Gorilla Prick!"
-	"Gorilla prick, my ass!! ... AAAaaeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiii!!!!!!"
-%
-A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms.  When
-she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair.  The man shouted,
-"What, no wool?  In my country all women have wool down there."
-	The prostitute snapped back, "What do you want to do, knit or fuck?"
-%
-A lanky Texan was mad because Texas had just become the second largest state in
-the Union, so he made up his mind to move to Alaska.  He drove for three days
-and three nights to get there and finally he came to what looked like the state
-line.  He halted his car and walked up to the border guard.  "Hi, there!  How
-do I become a resident of this here biggest state?" demanded the Texan.
-	The guard looked him up and down and grinned.  "Waal," he answered,
-there are three things you gotta do to get in.  First, drink down a quart of
-110 proof corn liquor without blinkin'.  Second, kill a grizzly bear, and
-third, make love to an Eskimo woman."
-	"Sounds easy enough," said the Texan.  "Where can I get a quart of
-this here corn liquor?"
-	"Got one right here," replied the guard.
-	The Texan gulped down the whiskey without batting an eyelash.
-"Now, do you happen to know where I can find me a grizzly?"
-	"Yep," answered the guard, "there's a big b'ar over that way, 'bout
-a mile... lives in a cave on that cliff."
-	The Texan lurched merrily off.  About an hour later he returned
-with his clothes almost torn off and his face scratched and bloody.  He was
-smiling happily.  "Now," he roared, "where's that damn Eskimo woman you
-want killed?"
-%
-A lisping fag fell off a pleasure yacht and began to scream.  "Help! Help, I
-can't thwim!"  One of the other passengers heard the caterwauling and leaned
-over the rail, remarking, "Really, there's no need to scream.  Just reach out
-and grab that buoy near you."  To which the floundering sodomite answered,
-"Buoy!  Oh, thith ith no time for thekth, you degenerate... I'm dwowning!"
-%
-A little bit of rape is good for a man's soul.
-		-- Norman Mailer
-%
-A little Mexican boy comes home from school one day and says to his grand-
-father, "Granddaddy, today my teacher said that Pancho Villa, the bandit
-used to raid towns around here!  Did you ever know him?"
-	"Do *I* know Pancho Villa?" exclaims the man.  "Why, boy, before
-your father was born, I was riding into town on my horse.  Suddenly, from
-behind the bushes leaped Pancho with his six-guns drawn!  He told me to get
-down off the horse and to give him all my money.  Then, he told me to scoop
-some manure from the ground and eat it!"
-	"I refused at first, but Pancho had the guns, so I ate the shit.
-And he started laughing so hard that it scared his horse into rearing up --
-I grabbed the guns from his hands!  I said to Pancho, `Okay, Pancho, now
-it's your turn -- you eat the shit!'  I had the guns, so he ate the shit.
-	"And you ask me, child, if I know Pancho Villa, the bandit!  Why,
-we had *lunch* together!"
-%
-A lively case was in progress in the District Court at Lick Skillet. Judge
-Flannery was presiding, and on the witness stand was Tush Bumpass.
-	"From where ah was standin'", drawled Tush, "Ah could see he'd
-backed 'er up agin' thet there wall, and ef Ah ever sawed a screwin' match,
-thet one wuz!"
-	"Mr. Bumpass," the Judge interrupted, "I'd prefer that you not use
-the word 'screw' in the courtroom. Say 'intercourse' instead."
-	Tush looked puzzled. "Intercourse?  Whut's thet, Judge?"
-	His Honor sighed.  "It's a technicality of language that you're
-probably not aware of.  Never mind.  Please continue."
-	"Well, like ah said, he had 'er shoved up agin' thet wall, an' he
-was... uh... intercoursin' 'er, an' he give 'er the crossjostle, the Chicago
-Stroke, an' she let out with a holler thet..."
-	"One moment," interrupted the Bench. "What is this, ah, Chicago
-Stroke, Mr. Bumpass?"
-	"Well, thet's a technicality of screwin', Judge, thet you're probably
-not aware of!"
-%
-A lover without indiscretion is no lover at all.
-		-- Thomas Hardy
-%
-A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.
-		-- Carrie Snow
-%
-A man always needs to remember one thing about
-a beautiful woman.  Somewhere, somebody's tired of her.
-%
-A man and a woman got married.  Although it is the first time for the
-husband, it is the woman's second marriage.  As they go to bed on their
-wedding night, the wife says to her husband:
-
-	"Dear, there's something I must tell you.  I'm a virgin."
-Naturally, the husband is surprised.
-	"You've been married before!", he says, "How can you still be a
-virgin?"
-	"Well, it's all quite simple," she retorted, "my husband was a
-computer programmer."
-	"What's so odd about that?", he asked.  "Why would you still be
-a virgin after a marriage to a programmer?"
-	"Well", she said, "all he did was sit on the edge of the bed and
-tell me how great it was going to be."
-%
-A man arrived home early to find his wife in the arms of his best friend,
-who swore how much they were in love.  To quiet the enraged husband, the
-lover suggested, "Friends shouldn't fight, let's play gin rummy.  If I win,
-you get a divorce so I can marry her.  If you win, I promise never to see
-her again.  Okay?"
-	"Alright," agreed the husband.  "But how about a quarter a point
-on the side to make it interesting?"
-%
-A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen
-or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
-		-- Joan Rivers
-%
-A man goes into a bar and begins to tell a Polish joke.  The man sitting
-next to him, a big hulking powerhouse, turns and says menacingly, "*I'm*
-Polish."
-	He then calls out, "Ivan!  Come over here and bring your brother."
-Two men, bigger than the first, appear from the back room.
-	"Josef!" the man calls out, "come here a second, and bring Lendl
-with you."  Two more men appear, and all five men crowd around the man with
-the joke.
-	"Now," says the first Polish man, "do you want to finish that joke?"
-	"Nah," says the man.
-	"Oh, no?  And why not?  I'm sure it was very funny," says the Polish
-man, opening and closing his fist.  "Are you scared?"
-	"No," replies the man.  "I just don't feel like having to explain it
-five times."
-%
-A man goes into a hospital for a routine appendectomy.  When he wakes up
-from the anesthesia, he sees a large group of doctors gathered anxiously
-around his bed.
-	"What happened?" he asks worriedly.
-	"Well," says one of the doctors, "there was a small clerical error,
-and you got mixed-up with another patient.  Instead of an appendectomy, we
-performed a sex-change operation.  Your penis has been removed and a vagina
-has been crafted into place."
-	"WHAT!!!" screams the man.  "That's horrible!  What am I going to
-tell my wife?  Can't you reverse it?  This means I'm never going to experience
-another erection!"
-	"Well, you will, you *will*," reassures the doctor, "but it will, of
-course, have to be someone else's."
-%
-A man is driving down the road on his way to Salerno.  By the roadside he
-sees a man hitchhiking and stops to pick him up.  As the man gets into his
-car he suddenly pulls out a gun and makes the driver get out of the car.
-	"All right, buddy," says the man, "I want to you jerk off."
-	"What!?" says the man, disbelievingly.
-	"Go ahead, do it!" says the hitchhiker.
-	So the driver masturbates, and when he is through, says, "All right,
-I did what you wanted, can I go now?"
-	"Nope," says the hijacker.  "Do it again."
-	"Again?" the driver exclaims.  "I just did it."
-	"Do it again."
-	It takes a little longer this time, but he manages to come again.
-Panting, he turns to his tormenter and again asks if he can leave.
-	"Yes," the man replies, "but only after you've done it one more
-time."
-	The guy is really scared now; he's starting to sweat.  It takes him
-twenty minutes, this time, but he finally comes a third time.
-	"Listen, buddy, can I please leave now?"
-	"Yeah," says the man, lowering his gun.  "And this is my daughter;
-I want you to drive her into Salerno."
-%
-A man is marooned on a desert island with a female sheep and a male Doberman
-for companionship.  The animals soon get it on sexually, and all goes well
-until the man becomes unbearably horny and makes his move for the ewe, at
-which point the dog interposes himself, snarling, fangs bared.  Months later,
-a raft drifts into sight.  The sailor swims out, finds a beautiful girl on it,
-takes her to shore and feeds and comforts her.
-	"You are so good to me," she responds gratefully.  "I'd do absolutely
-anything to show my gratitude."
-	"Would you?" smiles the sailor as he unfastens the length of rope
-that holds up his ragged pants.  "Well, then, here -- use this as a leash
-and take that damn dog for a walk!"
-%
-A man is only as old as the woman he feels.
-		-- Groucho Marx
-%
-A man is playing golf at a very exclusive country club when he hits a hole-
-in-one.  As he takes his ball from the cup, a genie appears.
-	"Since you've made a hole in one, you may have a single wish.  What
-is your heart's desire?"
-	"Great!", replies the man.  I want a longer penis."
-	"Your wish is granted," says the genie, and promptly disappears.
-	As the golfer continues through the rest of the course he can
-feel his penis slowly growing, to an extent that it's becoming uncomfortable.
-By the time he completes the 18th hole it's extended down his pants leg to
-his knee.  Thinking to himself that this isn't quite what he had in mind, he
-grabs a bucket of balls and heads back out onto the course.  Three weeks later,
-he manages another hole-in-one and the genie reappears.
-	"Since you've made a hole in one, you may have a single wish.  What
-is your heart's desire?"
-	"Yeah, I know all that," replies the man.  "Listen, could you make
-my legs longer?"
-%
-A man is talking to his wife when he mentions that there's a "Big Dick"
-contest at one of the bars in town and the prize for the winner is $1000.
-	"Oh, honey," she exclaims, "I don't want you taking that thing
-out in public!"
-	"But baby," he says, "$1000 is a lot of money."
-	"I don't care!" she says, stamping her foot.  "I don't want you
-showing that thing to everybody."
-	And the subject isn't mentioned again, until the following evening
-when he hands her $1000.
-	"Did you enter the contest, even after I told you I didn't want
-you to?" she asks.
-	"Please forgive me, turtle dove," he says.  "I thought we could use
-the money."
-	"You mean you took that thing out for everybody to see?" she says,
-tears welling up in her eyes.
-	"Only enough to win, honey, only enough to win."
-%
-A man is walking along when he sees a funeral procession going by, the
-longest procession he's ever seen.  It seems to consist of the hearse,
-followed by a man with a Doberman on a leash, followed by several hundred
-other men.  After watching for a few minutes, he can restrain his curiosity
-no longer, and walks up to one of the mourners.
-	"Excuse me, sir, I don't mean to bother you in your moment of grief,
-but this is the strangest procession I've ever seen.  What happened, who is
-the funeral for?"
-	"Well, it's nothing special, really, the funeral is for the mother-
-in-law of the man at the front of the procession.  You see, his Doberman
-attacked and killed her."
-	"That's awful!", replies the onlooker.  "But... um... tell me, you
-don't think he'd let me borrow that dog, do you?"
-	"Get in line, buddy," replies the mourner, "get in line."
-%
-A man is walking down the street when he sees a man with four arms, and
-antennae coming out of his head.  He goes up to him and says, "You're not
-from around here, are you?"
-	"No," replies the man with the antennae.
-	"You know," continues the man, "I don't think you're an American,
-either.  In fact, I bet you don't even come from this planet!"
-	"Right again," says the man with four arms.  "I'm from Mars."
-	"Well," says the man, "that's quite some configuration you've got
-there, with those four arms and those antennae and everything."
-	"We Martians all have four arms and antennae."
-	"Well, that's just amazing," replies the man, "and how about that
-big gold colored plate in the middle of your chest, what's that, do all
-Martians have that?"
-	"Well, no," says the Martian.  "Not the *goyim*."
-%
-A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.
-%
-A man never minds being in the doghouse
-as long as he can get his tail outside.
-%
-A man rushed into a bar and breathlessly asked the bartender to pour him
-three straight scotches.  The bartender complied, and watched as he downed
-them one after another.
-	"Why three scotches?" the bartender asked as he paused for breath.
-	"Well, to be honest, I'm celebrating my first blow-job."
-	"Hell, congratulations, the next one's on me."
-	"No, thanks," the young man replied, "if the first three didn't get
-the taste out of my mouth, I don't think another one will."
-%
-A man sat down next to another passenger on a train recently and couldn't
-help overhearing his conversation out the window with a man standing on
-the train platform.
-	"Thanks for putting me up while I was here, Sam," said the passenger.
-	"Glad to do it," said the other man.
-	"Thanks for the food and the drinks -- everything was wonderful."
-	"It was a pleasure," said the man.
-	"And thank your wife, Sam, she was great," said the passenger,
-"she was a truly great lay."
-	The man was rather taken aback by this exchange and he later turned
-to his fellow passenger and said: "Pardon me sir, but did I understand you
-to say that your friend's wife was a great lay?"
-	"Well," said the other passenger, "I didn't REALLY enjoy it.  But
-Sam is a helluva nice guy."
-%
-A man walks into the doctor's office and the doctor says to him, "I've got
-some good news and some bad news."
-	"Tell me the good news first" the patient replies.
-	"The good news is that your penis is going to be about two inches
-longer and about an inch wider," the doctor says.
-	"That's great!" says his patient.  "What's the bad news?"
-	"Malignant."
-%
-A man was playing golf one day when a little frog hopped out the water at a
-water hazard and croaked, "I am a magic frog, and since you are the 10,000th
-person to play through here, I'm prepared to offer you one of two magic gifts:
-First, for a whole year you can have the most fabulous sex life that anyone
-ever had; beyond your wildest dreams.  Or, second, for a whole year you can
-be the best golfer the world has ever known.  Which do you prefer?"  The man
-thought a bit and said that he'd take the golf.  Well, the man holed his wood
-shot from where he was, completed the course in an average of 2 per hole, and
-went round in 22.  Quickly he attracted the attention of the sports world,
-and became the world's best-known golfer, setting course records wherever
-he went.  A year later he was playing the same course inhabited by the frog,
-and at the water hazard the frog hopped out and said, "Well, the year is up,
-and you now revert to the 18-handicap player you were before.  But tell me, I
-was a little surprised that you chose the golf -- I take it your sex life is
-outstanding?"  The man said, "Well, I have no complaints in that department
-at all, which is why I chose the golf." "How many times did you engage in sex
-last year?" inquired the frog.  The man thought a little and said, "Oh, eight
-or ten times, I guess."  "Damn," said the frog, "that doesn't strike me as very
-satisfactory."  "Oh, I don't know," replied the man, "it doesn't seem so bad
-for a Catholic priest from a little town in South Dakota."
-%
-A man was talking to his best friend about his married life.  "You know," he
-says, "I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to
-me, but there's *always* that doubt.  There's *always* that little doubt."
-	"Yeah, I know what you mean," his friend replies.
-	"Well, buddy, I've got to leave on a business trip this weekend,
-and I wonder... well... would you watch my house while I'm gone?  I trust
-her, it's just that there's *always* that doubt."
-	The friend agreed to help out and two weeks later gave his report.
-	"I've got some bad news for you," says the friend.  "The evening
-after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house.  A man
-got out of the car and went in the house and had dinner with your wife.
-After dinner they went upstairs and I saw your wife kissing him.  Then, he
-took off his shirt and she took off her blouse.  And then the light went
-out."
-	"*Then* what happened?" said the husband, his eyes opening wide.
-	"Well, I don't know," replied the friend, "it was too dark to see."
-	"Damn!" roared the husband.  "You see what I mean?  There's *always*
-that doubt!"
-%
-A man who likes to lie in bed can usually
-find a girl willing to listen to him.
-%
-A man with no arms walked into a bar and asked for a beer.  The bartender
-shoved the foaming glass in front of him.
-	"Look," said the customer, "I have no arms -- would you please hold
-the glass for me?
-	"Sure," said the bartender.
-	"If," said the customer, "you'll reach in my right hand coat pocket,
-you'll find the money for the beer."
-	The bartender got the money and rang up the bill.
-	"You've been very kind," said the customer. "Just one thing more.
-Where is the men's room?"
-	"Up the street to the light," said the bartender, "turn left, walk
-two blocks, and there's a gas station on the corner."
-%
-A man without a God is like a fish without a bicycle.
-%
-A man without a woman is like a statue without pigeons.
-%
-A man's father is very, very old, and the son can't afford very good treatment
-for him, so he's in a rather shabby, run-down nursing home.  One day the son
-wins a lottery -- and the first thing he does is install his father in the best
-old age home that money can buy.
-	On the first day the old man is sitting watching TV, and he starts
-to lean a little bit to one side.  Right away a nurse runs over and gently
-straightens the old man.  A little later he's eating dinner, and when he
-finishes, he begins to tip a little bit to one side.  Another nurse runs
-over and gently pushes him upright again.
-	The son visits his father later that evening and asks him how he's
-being treated.
-	"It's a wonderful place, son," replies the father.  "I really like
-it here, gourmet food, color TV's in every room, the service is unbelievable,
-there's just one little problem."
-	"What's that, Dad?"
-	"They won't let you fart."
-%
-A midget had a date with a very tall girl.  It was a quiff-hanger.
-%
-A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a
-good many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious
-scruples and the police.
-		-- Mr. Dooley
-%
-A mouse was sniffing around in a meadow, when an eagle swooped down,
-swallowed him whole, and rose up in the air again.  The mouse worked
-his way through until his head was sticking out of the bird's asshole.
-	"Say, good buddy," he squeaked, "how high up are we, anyway?"
-	"Oh, about two thousand feet," answered the eagle.
-	The mouse's eyes bugged out.  "Hey, you wouldn't shit me, would you?"
-%
-A new lumberjack had just finished his first month in the lonely wilds of
-Alaska, where there were no women for miles.  He finally couldn't take it
-anymore and nervously asked the foreman what the other men did to relieve
-the pressure.
-	"Try the hole in the barrel outside the shower," suggested the
-foreman.  "The other men swear by it."
-	The lumberjack dubiously tried it out and had the experience of
-his life.  "That barrel is fantastic!  Warm!  Wet!  I'm going to use it
-every day!"
-	"Every day but the third Wednesday of the month," one of the
-other men replied.
-	"Why not then?"
-	"That's your day in the barrel."
-%
-A New Yorker is riding down the road in his new Mercedes.  So intent is he
-on the cocaine in his hand he completely misses a turn and his car plunges
-over the five-hundred-foot cliff to be smashed into pieces at the bottom.
-As the on-lookers rush to the edge of the cliff they see him fifty feet
-from the top of the cliff clinging to a stunted bush with all his strength.
-"Dear Lord," he prays, "I never asked you for nothin' before, but I'm askin'
-you now: Save me, Lord, save me."
-	Booms the Lord: "LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
-	"But Lord, if I do that, I'll fall!"
-	"TRUST ME, LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
-	"But Lord, I'm gonna fall and die..."
-	"TRUST ME TO SAVE YOU.  LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
-	Okay, Lord, I'll trust you, here I...  here I go!"  And he falls
-to his death.
-	"DUMB YANKEE."
-%
-A New Yorker was driving through Berkeley when he saw a big crowd gathered
-by the side of the street.  Curiosity got the better of him and he leaned
-out of his window to ask an onlooker what was going on.  The fellow explained
-that a protestor against the U.S. position in South America had doused
-himself with gasoline and set himself on fire.  "That's terrible," gasped
-the man.  "But why is everyone still standing around?"
-	"Well, they're taking up a collection for his wife and kids," the
-onlooker explained.  "Would you be willing to help?"
-	"Well, sure," replied the New Yorker.  "I suppose I could spare a
-gallon or two."
-%
-A Nixon [is preferable to] a Dean Rusk -- who will be passionately
-wrong with a high sense of consistency.
-		-- J. K. Galbraith
-%
-A non-vegetarian anti-abortionist is a contradiction in terms.
-		-- Phyllis Schlafly
-%
-A Norse god decides to assume human form, come down from Valhalla, and check
-out the local action.  He finds himself in the piano bar of Caesar's Boardwalk
-Regency in Atlantic City, and sits down to sip an Acquavit or two.  After a few
-minutes, an extremely attractive young woman, having been taken with his form
-and features, sends a drink down to him, then joins him.  The chemistry between
-them is immediate and total.  They have the next drink in her room, and spend
-the night repeatedly making passionate love.  The woman has no idea of her
-partner's true identity; all she knows is he's driving her mad.  In the
-morning, the Norse god jumps into the shower.  Reflecting on the previous
-night he decides that he wants to be honest with his new lover.  Without even
-bothering to wrap himself in a towel, he leaps from the shower into the room,
-where the woman is still in bed, exhausted.  He kneels beside the bed, looks
-deep into her eyes and says, "Honey, I have something very important to tell
-you -- I'm Thor!".
-	The woman looks at him.  "You're Thor?", she says. "My inthides feel
-like grated cheeth!"
-%
-A nubile female virtually never experiences difficulty in finding willing
-sexual partners, and in a natural habitat nubile females are probably always
-married.  The basic female "strategy" is to obtain the best possible husband,
-to be fertilized by the fittest available male (always, of course, taking
-risk into account), and to maximize the returns on sexual favors bestowed:
-to be sexually aroused by the sight of males would promote random matings,
-thus undermining all of these aims, and would also waste time and energy
-that could be spent in economically significant activities and in nurturing
-children.  A female's reproductive success would be seriously compromised
-by the propensity to be sexually aroused by the sight of males.
-		-- Donald Symons, "The Evolution of Human Sexuality",
-		   attempting to explain the lack of female interest in
-		   pornography.
-%
-A nuclear family is out golfing one day, when it becomes clear that Dad isn't
-going to win any trophies, at least on this course.  On the 3rd hole, after
-two miserable bogies, he misses a two foot putt and exclaims, "Shit!"
-	His wife glances over at their sixteen year old daughter and says
-nothing.
-	On the fourth hole Dad tees off with an incredible hook, and, after
-the inevitable exclamation, his wife reproves him with "Honey!"
-	This continues on, with his golfing getting worse and his wife getting
-more and more upset about his language.  Finally, on the 17th hole, he again
-misses a very easy putt.  Flinging his club down, he curses the hole, the
-club, and the sunset, using the word "fuck" for the first time.  His wife
-whirls around and cries, "Honey!  Our daughter is standing right next to you!"
-	Feeling remorseful, but somewhat defensive, he turns to the
-daughter and says, "Well, Cindy, you've heard that word before, haven't
-you?"
-	"Yes," the daughter replies, "but never in anger."
-%
-A nymph hits you and steals your virginity.
-%
-A pair of suburban couples who had known each other for quite some time
-talked it over and decided to do a little conjugal swapping.  The trade
-was made the following evening and the newly arranged couples retired to
-their respective houses.  After about an hour of bedroom bliss, one of
-the wives propped herself up on an elbow, looked at her new partner and
-said: "Well, I wonder how the boys are getting along?"
-%
-A pederastic necrophiliac is a gentleman who is
-true to the very end of the end of a friend.
-%
-A perfectly honest woman, a woman who never flatters, who never manages,
-who never cajoles, who never conceals, who never uses her eyes, who never
-speculates on the effect which she produces, who never is conscious of
-unspoken admiration, what a monster, I say, would such a female be!
-		-- Thackeray
-%
-A performing octopus could play the piano, the zither and a piccolo, and his
-trainer wanted him to add the bagpipe to his accomplishments.  With this in
-mind, a bagpipe was placed in the octopus's room, and the trainer awaited
-results.  Hours passed, but no bagpipe music was heard.  Since the talented
-octopus usually learned quickly, the trainer was disturbed.  Opening the door
-the next morning, he asked the octopus,
-	"Have you learned to play that thing yet?"
-	"Play it!" retorted the octopus. "I've been trying to lay it all
-night!"
-%
-A person who has both feet planted firmly in the air can be safely
-called a liberal.
-%
-A policeman is walking his beat when he finds an inebriated man collapsed
-against a building, weeping uncontrollably and holding his car keys in his
-hands.  He's moaning something about how "They took my car!"  Seeing that
-the man is well-dressed, the officer suspects that he may have a real case
-of theft on his hands and attempts to question the man.
-	"What happened to your car?"
-	"My car, it was right on the end of my key, and those bastards
-stole it!  Please officer, get my Porsche back.  My God, it was right on
-the end of my key!  Where is it?  They stole it and it was right here;
-right on my key!"
-	"OK, OK, stand up, we'll see what we can do.  You'll have to come
-down to the stat...  Mister, your fly's unzipped and you're exposing
-yourself!"
-	"Oh my God, they stole my girlfriend!"
-%
-A pretty woman can do anything; an ugly woman must do everything.
-%
-A proctologist is a doctor who puts in a hard day at the orifice.
-%
-A Puritan is someone who is deathly afraid that someone, somewhere, is
-having fun.
-%
-A rabbi and a priest are sitting together on a train, and the rabbi leans
-over and asks, "So, how high can you advance in your organization?"
-	The priest replies, "Well, if I am lucky, I guess I could become a
-Bishop."
-	"Well, could you get any higher than that?"
-	"I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I
-might be made an Archbishop."
-	"Is there any way that you might go higher than that?"
-	"If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal."
-	"Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?"
-	Hesitating a little bit, the priest said, "I suppose that I could
-be elected Pope, but only if it's God's will."
-	"And could you be anything higher than that, is there any way to go
-up from being the Pope?"
-	"What?!  I should be the Messiah himself?!"
-	The rabbi leaned back and smiled.  "One of our boys made it."
-%
-A reactionary is a man whose political opinions always manage to keep
-up with yesterday.
-%
-A real estate agent, looking over a farmer's house for possible sale,
-commented to the farmer how sturdy the house looked.
-	The farmer replied, "Yep, built it with my bare hands... did it
-the hard way.  The steps to the front door, here, carved 'em out of
-field stones... did it the hard way.  That hardwood floor in the living
-room, dovetailed the pieces myself... did it the hard way.  The ceiling
-beams, made 'em out of my own oak trees... did it the hard way."
-	Just then, the farmer's gorgeous daughter walked in.  The farmer
-looks over at the real estate agent who is trying not to stare too
-obviously and smiles.  "Yep... standing up in a canoe."
-%
-A retired schoolteacher finally decided that she was tired of living alone
-and wanted some companionship, so after a good deal of thought she decided
-to visit the local pet shop.  The owner suggested a parrot, with which she
-could conduct a civilized conversation.  This seemed to be an excellent
-idea, so she bought a handsome parrot, sat him on a perch in her living room,
-and said, "Say 'Pretty boy.'"  Silence from the bird.  "Come on now, say
-'Pretty boy ... pretty boy.'"
-	At long last, disgustedly, the bird said, "Oh, shit."
-	Shocked, the schoolteacher said, "Just for that, you get five minutes
-in the refrigerator."  Five minutes later she put the shivering bird back on
-its perch and said, "Now let's hear it: 'Pretty boy ... pretty boy.'"
-	"Damn it, wouldja lay off, lady?" said the parrot.
-	Outraged, the woman grabbed the bird, said, "That's it!  Ten minutes
-in the freezer," and slammed the door on him.
-	Hopping about to keep warm, what does the parrot come across but a
-big frozen turkey waiting for Thanksgiving.  Startled, he squawks, "My God,
-you must have told the bitch to go fuck herself!"
-%
-A Scotsman clad in a kilt walks up to the counter in an Apothecary.  From
-his pocket he takes a plaid condom that has been heavily used, torn, patched,
-sewn, and is currently split down one side.  He asks the proprietor, "How much
-to replace this, Ian?"  The proprietor says, "Why, Angus, that'll be four
-pence."  Then the Scotsman asks, "How much to repair?"  The prop. looks the
-condom over carefully, and says "Three pence to repair."  The Scotsman ponders
-for a moment, then says, "I'll be back."
-	Later in the day, the Scotsman returns with a smile on his face and
-says, "Ian, the Regiment has voted to repair!"
-%
-A Scotsman clad in kilts left a bar one evening fair.
-One could tell by how he walked, he'd drunk more than his share.
-He staggered on until he could no longer keep his feet.
-So he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street.
-
-Later on two young and lovely girls just happened by.
-One says to the other, with a twinkle in her eye.
-"See yon sleeping Scotsman so young and handsome built?"
-"I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath their kilts?"
-
-They stepped up to the Scotsman, so young and fancy free.
-They lifted up his kilt above the waist so they could see.
-And there behold for them the view beneath his Scottish skirt,
-Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth.
-
-They marveled for a moment, then one said, "Best be gone."
-"Let's leave a present for our friend before we move along."
-As a gift they left a blue ribbon tied into a bow,
-Around the bonny star of the Scot's kilt lifting show.
-
-The Scot awoke to nature's call and stumbled to the trees.
-Behind a bush he lifts his kilt and gawks at what he sees.
-Then in a startled voice he says to what's before his eyes,
-"Och, lad I dinna know whar' ya been, but I see ya won first prize."
-		-- Mike Cross, "The Scotsman"
-%
-A sheriff arrived at the scene of the horrible accident just as his deputy,
-all alone, was climbing down from the controls of a bulldozer.  "Say,
-Junior, what's goin' on?" asked the sheriff.
-	"A bus full of migrant workers went out of control and over the
-cliff, and I just finished buryin' 'em," explained the deputy.
-	"Good work, boy," replied the sheriff.  "Pretty gory work -- were
-all of 'em dead?"
-	Junior nodded sadly and said, "Some of them said they weren't, but
-you know how them Mex'cans lie."
-%
-A shy young man, preparing himself for what he hoped would be the ultimate sex
-act with a pretty young lady, went into a drugstore to inquire about sizes and
-styles of condoms.  The lusty proprietress, a buxom widow, saw an opportunity
-for fun at the lad's expense.
-	"Come in the back and try some on for size," she said, taking his hand.
-The widow unzipped the youth's fly and watched the small instrument grow in
-her hand as she measured it.  When the weapon had unfurled to a rosy seven and
-a half inches, the young man, unable to contain himself, had an orgasm with a
-tremendous discharge.  After recovering, he asked the widow if she could now
-give him the proper size.
-	"I'll do more than that," she said.  "I'll give you free meals and a
-half interest in the store."
-%
-A son takes his Italian immigrant father to his first baseball game.  It
-happens that it's Old Timer's Day at Yankee stadium and all the baseball
-greats are there.  The son escorts his father to box seats right on the
-third base line and seats him with beer and a Yankees cap.
-	The first batter up is Mickey Mantle.  On the second pitch he
-swings that bat and CRACK!  The ball ricochets off the wall for a double.
-The crowd goes crazy and the father stands up and yells, "Runna Mickey!
-Runna Mickey!"
-	The next batter up is Joe DiMaggio.  The pitcher, pitching him
-carefully, works him to a 3-2 count and just misses the outside corner.
-	"Ball four!" yells the umpire and Joe tosses his bat aside and begins
-to walk to first base.
-	The father yells out, "Runna Joe!  Runna Joe!"
-	"No, no, Pop," corrects his son.  "He got four balls.  He walks."
-	And the old man clenches his fist and says solemnly, "Walka proud
-Joe.  Walka proud."
-%
-A stately-looking matron was walking through the Bronx Zoo, studying the
-animals.  When she passed the porcupine enclosure she beckoned to a nearby
-attendant.
-	"Young man," she began, "do North American porcupines have sharper
-pricks than those raised in Africa?"
-	The attendant hesitated for a moment.  "Well, ma'am," he answered,
-"the African porcupine's quills are sharper... but I think their pricks are
-about the same."
-%
-A stranger had just arrived in the mining town and was spending the evening at
-the local saloon.  After a few drinks, he mentioned to the bartender that he
-hadn't seen a single woman in the entire town.
-	The bartender replied, "Nope.  Ain't no women in this town!"
-	"No women? What do the men do for... er..."
-	"Oh, for sex?  Did you see all those pigs in the street?  That's the
-answer, right there."
-	Shaking his head incredulously, the stranger settled back to his
-drinking.  Within a short time, however, the liquor had convinced him that he
-wanted to try out a pig himself.  He had watched several miners walk upstairs
-to the trysting rooms with squealing piglets under their arms.  Now, he was
-game to make his move.  He wandered out to the back of the saloon and chose
-a nice fat, pink sow.  As he walked to the stairs, the entire saloon went
-quiet.  In the embarrassing hush, all eyes were upon him.
-	"What's the matter?  I thought all you fellows did this!"
-	"Yeah, but that's Black Bart's girl," replied the barkeep.
-%
-A stunning blonde, but probably all bean dip above the eyebrows.
-%
-A sweet young schoolteacher who had always been virtuous was invited to go
-for a ride in the country with the gym instructor, whom she admired.  Under
-a tree on the bank of a quiet lake, she struggled with her conscience and
-with the gym instructor and finally gave in to the latter.  Sobbing
-uncontrollably she asked her seducer,
-	"How can I ever face my students again, knowing I have sinned twice?"
-	"Twice?" asked the young man, confused.
-	"Why, yes," said the sweet teacher, wiping a tear from her eye.
-"You're going to do it again, aren't you?"
-%
-A teacher announces to her class, "Children, the student who can name the
-greatest man who ever lived will win a shiny red apple."
-	Immediately an Italian boy raises his hand.
-	"Yes, Tony?"
-	"Christopher Columbus!" says Tony.
-	"Well," says the teacher, "Christopher Columbus was a very great man,
-but I don't think he was the greatest man who ever lived."
-	From the back of the room little Bernie Goldstein raises his hand.
-	"Yes, Bernie?"
-	"Jesus Christ", says Bernie.
-	"That is correct, Bernie," pronounces the teacher.  "And here is
-your apple."
-	When Bernie gets up to the front of the room to claim his prize,
-the teacher says, "Bernie, given the fact that you're Jewish, I'm surprised
-that you thought Jesus was the greatest man who ever lived."
-	"Well, actually," replies Bernie, "I do think Moses had the edge,
-but business is business."
-%
-A toast to the kisses you've snatched and vice-versa.
-%
-A traveling circus was performing in a small town, around the turn of the
-century, when many of the circus animals were still considered to be very
-rare and exotic.  One night one of the elephants escaped.  It was hungry
-and found a garden in a little old lady's backyard.  The woman, who had
-never before seen an elephant, was hysterical and called the police.
-
-Little Old Lady:  "There's a *huge* monster in my garden!
-Police:	"Calm down, ma'am, everything will be all right.  Now exactly what
-	does it look like?"
-LOL:	"It's a dark color and it's tremendous!  It's pulling up my
-	vegetables with its tail!"
-Police:	"With its tail?  Then what's it doing?"
-LOL:	"You wouldn't believe me if I told you!"
-%
-A vasectomy means never having to say you're sorry.
-%
-A virgin is chaste.
-%
-A virginal is a harpsichord that has never been plucked.
-%
-A virtuous abstinence from the joys of pederasty
-comes most easily to those who have no taste for it.
-		-- Oscar Wilde
-%
-A widow is more sought after than an old maid of the same age.
-		-- Addison
-%
-A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there
-*for the rest of your life*.
-		-- Jim Samuels
-%
-A witty writer, K. Kraus in the Vienna "Fackel", has as it were, expressed
-this truth paradoxically in the cynical saying: "Coitus is merely an
-unsatisfactory substitute for onanism!"
-		-- Sigmund Freud, attempting to explain why
-		   masturbation is "by no means harmless"
-%
-A woman can never be too rich or too thin.
-%
-A woman employs sincerity only when every other form of deception has failed.
-		-- Scott
-%
-A woman forgives the audacity of which
-her beauty has prompted us to be guilty.
-		-- LeSage
-%
-A woman had a followup visit with her doctor after his prescribing fairly high
-dosages of testosterone (a male hormone) for her.  She was a little worried
-about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
-	"Doctor Keyes, the hormones you've been giving me have helped a lot
-with my menopausal symptoms, but I'm really afraid that you're giving me too
-much.  I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before!"
-	The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal
-side effect of testosterone.  Just where has this hair appeared?"
-	"On my balls."
-%
-A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be
-thankful for a good one.
-		-- Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings
-%
-A woman is driving down the street, her ten-year-old daughter belted into
-the passenger seat.  The daughter asks "Mommy, how old are you?"
-	The mother says "That's a personal question. It's not nice to ask
-people personal questions."
-	The daughter thinks a while, then asks "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"
-	The mother replies "That's a personal question too.  I'm not going
-to tell you."
-	Chastised, the daughter asks no more questions.  The mother parks the
-car. "I'm going to see Mrs. Tristan for a couple of minutes.  You stay here in
-the car and watch my purse."
-	After the mother leaves, the daughter removes her mother's driver's
-license from the purse, studies it for a few minutes and replaces it.  When
-her mother returns they drive off.  The little girl comments:
-	"Mommy, I know how old you are.  You're 32."
-	"That's right!  How did you know?"
-	"And you weigh 119 pounds."
-	"Did you look in my purse?"
-	"And I know why you and Daddy divorced."
-	"You *do*?"
-	"Yes," said the daughter. "Because you flunked sex!"
-%
-A woman is like a dresser ... some man always goin' through her
-drawers.
-		-- Blind Lemon Pledge
-%
-A woman is like your shadow; follow her,
-she flies; fly from her, she follows.
-		-- Chamfort
-%
-A woman must be a cute, cuddly, naive
-little thing -- tender, sweet, and stupid.
-		-- Adolf Hitler
-%
-A woman occasionally is quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation.
-It takes an abundance of imagination, to be sure.
-		-- Karl Kraus, "Die Fackel"
-%
-A woman of generous character will sacrifice her life a thousand times
-over for her lover, but will break with him for ever over a question of
-pride -- for the opening or the shutting of a door.
-		-- Stendhal
-%
-A woman takes off her claim to respect along with her garments.
-		-- Herodotus
-%
-A woman who is guided by the head and not by the heart is a social
-pestilence: she has all the defects of the passionate and affectionate
-woman, with none of her compensations; she is without pity, without
-love, without virtue, without sex.
-		-- Honore de Balzac
-%
-A woman who is unfaithful deserves to be shot.
-		-- Pancho Villa
-%
-A woman's a woman until the day she dies, but a man's only a man as long
-as he can.
-		-- Moms Mabley
-%
-A young boy is told by his puritanical father than he should never have
-sex with a woman, because a woman has teeth in her vagina and will bite
-off his penis.
-	The years go by, and the boy finally marries.  After a rather
-uninspiring honeymoon his wife finally confronts him and demands that he
-tell her why he won't make love to her.
-	"Well, honey," he replies.  "You have... teeth... down there."
-	"What!?" she replies unbelievingly.  "No I don't!  Honest, darling,
-come here and look for yourself."
-	The man rather hesitantly examines her very thoroughly.
-	"There!" his wife says triumphantly.  "Now do you believe me?"
-	"Yes," replied her husband.  "And your gums are in *terrible*
-condition."
-%
-A young lady friend of mine just swallowed a razor blade...
-She performed a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy,
-three circumcisions, and cut off the finger of a casual friend.
-%
-A young man walks into a bus station, and goes into the men's room to relieve
-himself.  When he steps in he sees a leprechaun with the most enormous penis
-he has ever seen.  As he urinates, he cannot avoid spying on the giant member
-of the tiny man dressed in green.  The leprechaun zips up and the man asks him
-if he is indeed a real leprechaun.
-	The little man says, "Aye, me laddie, I'm a leprechaun, and I can
-grant you three wishes."
-	"Oh, wow!" comes the reply, "What do I need to do?"
-	"Well, havin' such a large cock makes it a bit awkward with the
-ladies, the thing not fittin' and all...  I'll grant you your three wishes
-if you wouldn't mind suckin' me dick 'til I come."  The man is a bit taken
-aback, but agrees, realizing that the three wishes will be priceless.  After
-the tiny fellow has come, he starts to walk away.
-	The man exclaims, "Hey, what about my three wishes?"
-	Replies the leprechaun, "How old are you, me boy?"
-	"25."
-	"Aren't you a wee bit old to be believin' in leprechauns?"
-%
-A young New York housewife was shocked by some of the language used by her
-daughter.  When asked about it, the daughter said she had learned it from
-a small girl she played with in the park.  The next day, the mother sought
-out the little girl as she played in the park.  "Are you the little girl
-who uses bad words?"
-	"Who told you?"
-	"A little bird," answered the mother.
-	"Well, I like that!" exclaimed the small girl.  "And I've been
-feeding the little bastards, too!"
-%
-A young woman was afflicted with three brothers who had a friendly competition
-as to who was the best practical joker.  When she announced her marriage,
-like all good brothers, they immediately found out where the honeymoon would
-be and repaired there to do their worst, er, best.  The brother who was a
-carpenter went first, and came back out in five minutes.  The brother who
-worked as a plumber went second and was out in about half an hour.  Finally,
-the brother employed as a dentist went inside and came out almost immediately.
-A few days after the start of their sister's honeymoon the brothers each
-received a telegram from their sister.  It read:
-
-	I liked the couch falling apart when we sat on it.  I was amused
-	when the shower went cold five minutes after it started.  But I'm
-	going to kill whoever put the novocaine into the KY jelly...
-%
-A.A.A.A.A., n.:
-	An organization for drunks who drive.
-%
-Aboard the good ship Venus,		The cabin boy, the captain's joy,
-The mast it was a penis,		A cunning little nipper,
-	Her figurehead				They filled his ass,
-	A whore in bed,				With broken glass,
-Good grief you should have seen us!	And circumcised the skipper.
-
-The first mate's name was Higgins,	The captain's daughter Mabel,
-And Higgins was a biggins,		They screwed when they were able,
-	Once round the deck,			They nailed her tits,
-	Twice up the mast,			Those nasty shits,
-And the rest was used for riggins'!	Right to the captain's table.
-
-The engineer's name was Carter,		The second mate's name was Andy,
-And Carter was a farter,		By God, he was a dandy,
-	When the wind wouldn't blow,		They broke his cock,
-	And the ship couldn't go,		With chunks of rock,
-Carter the farter would start her!	For conking in the brandy!
-%
-Absinthe makes the tart grow fonder.
-%
-Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western
-religion, Rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic of
-Western science.
-		-- Gary Zukav, "The Dancing Wu Li Masters"
-%
-AC/DC is a rock band.
-		-- Bisexuality, 101
-%
-Achilles' Biological Findings:
-	(1) If a child looks like his father, that's heredity.  If he
-	    looks like a neighbor, that's environment.
-	(2) A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first
-	    -- the chicken or the egg.  It was undoubtedly the
-	    rooster.
-%
-Adam's Law:
-	(1)  Women don't know what they want;
-	     they don't like what they have got.
-	(2)  Men know very well what they want;
-	     having got it, they begin to lose interest.
-%
-Admittedly, there are a lot of things that are better than sex,
-and a lot more that are worse; but there's nothing quite like it...
-%
-Adopting the metric system would have certain psychological advantages --
-such as being able to claim 18 centimeters instead of seven inches.
-%
-ADULTERY:
-	Putting yourself in someone else's position.
-%
-Advertising is the most fun of anything you can do with your clothes on.
-		-- Mary Wells, advertising executive
-%
-After a few steamy dances and a few more drinks, the pickup couple
-are back at his place tearing their clothes off.  Things are really
-starting to heat up when he leaps out of bed and starts frantically
-rummaging through a dresser drawer.
-	"What are you doing?" she asks.
-	"Just a second, honey, I'm trying to find my lucky rubber."
-%
-After an evening at the theatre and several nightcaps at an intimate little
-bistro, the young man whispered to his date, "How do you feel about making
-love to men?"
-	"That's MY business," she snapped.
-	"Ah," he said.  "A professional."
-%
-After cocktails in the Oak Room, the graying millionaire took the blond,
-attractive, wholesome, winning young woman up to his suite.  They chatted
-for a while, and then kissed on the couch.  A little fondling, some feeling
-and petting ... to which the young lady lent herself shyly ... and then they
-were in the wide, cool bed, naked together.  They chatted more, established
-a communion, a rapport the older man considered remarkably gratifying.  The
-girl seemed sympatico, innocent, good.
-	"Yes, that was it," he thought, "essentially good.  Why, she could
-be my own daughter."  He smiled into the young girl's deep blue eyes.
-	"Tell me," he asked, his hand on her breast, "What's a nice girl
-like you doing in a hotel like this?"
-	"Oh, about $2000 a week, with tips."
-%
-After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?
-%
-After Joan and Max had been married for 25 years, Max became disinterested
-in sex, and his libido began to wan dramatically.  In desperation, Joan
-hauled him to a marriage counselor, who listened patiently to Joan's complaints
-and Max's protestations.  Max claimed that he was being nagged unmercifully
-to fulfill Joan's needs, and that after awhile every marriage tended to
-become less physical.  Joan said that that wasn't true and that she had
-needs and desires that he, as her husband, was expected to fulfill.  Finally,
-the counselor issued the verdict. "Max," he said, "Everybody has to give a
-little for a marriage to work.  From now on, no matter how you feel at the
-time, you must give Joan her conjugal rights at least semi-annually.  And,
-remember, do it in a loving, considerate manner; after all, you and your
-wife are a partnership of love."  Joan was delighted, and floated out of the
-counselor's offices.  On the way downstairs, she nudged Max.
-	"So, honey, tell me... how many times a week is semi-annually?"
-%
-After making a daring escape from the penitentiary, the convict eluded
-bloodhounds and police roadblocks and dodged helicopter searchlights on
-his way to see his wife.  Finally sneaking in the back entrance, he knocked
-on the door and smiled triumphantly as she opened it.  "Where the hell have
-you been?" she blared.  "You busted out more than six hours ago!"
-%
-After repeatedly warding off her date's amorous advances during the evening,
-the pretty young thing decided to put her foot down: "See here," she shouted
-indignantly.  "This is positively the last time I'm going to tell you `no'."
-	"Splendid!" exclaimed her date.  "Now we can start making some
-progress."
-%
-After rushing into a drugstore, the nervous young man was obviously
-embarrassed when a prim thirty-ish woman asked if she could serve him.
-	"N-no," he stammered, "I'd like to see the druggist."
-	"I'm the druggist", she replied cheerfully.
-	"Oh.. well, uh, it's nothing important," he said, and turned to leave.
-	"Young man," said the woman, "my sister and I have been running this
-drugstore for nearly ten years.  There is nothing you can tell us that will
-embarrass us.
-	"Well, all right," he said.  "I have this awful sexual hunger that
-nothing will appease.  No matter how many times I make love, I still want to
-make love again and again.  Is there anything you can give me for it?"
-	"Just a moment," said the woman, "I'll have to discuss this with my
-sister."
-	A few minutes later, she returned.  "The best we can do," she said,
-"is room and board and a half-interest in the business."
-%
-After spending a forbidden night on the town, two young nuns were trying
-to sneak through the fence surrounding their Convent.
-	"You know," giggled one as she held the wire apart for the other
-to crawl through, "I feel like a Marine."
-	"So do I," the other nun sighed, "but where are we going to
-find one at three in the morning?"
-%
-After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that
-brought tears to my eyes.  He said, "No hablo ingles."
-		-- Ronnie Shakes
-%
-After we made love he took a piece of chalk and made an outline of my body.
-		-- Joan Rivers
-%
-Ah spring, when a fancy young man lightly turns his lover over.
-%
-A.I. hackers do it with robots.
-%
-Aide to Raygun:  Sir, the poor are outside protesting your budget
-		 cuts.
-Raygun himself:  Tell them they'll have to help themselves.
-Aide to Raygun:  Sir, the Pentagon wants another $30 billion.
-Raygun himself:  Tell them to help themselves.
-%
-Al Gore resembled a Vulcan desperately in need of a blow job.
-		-- Bobcat Goldthwait
-%
-Alaska, where Moosehead isn't a beer, it's a misdemeanor.
-
-Q:	You know how to figure out if your lover's been "involved"?
-A:	Antler marks on their hips.
-%
-Alcohol is like love: the first kiss is magic, the second is intimate,
-the third is routine.  After that you just take the girl's clothes off.
-		-- Raymond Chandler
-%
-Alcoholics Anonymous is when you get to drink under someone else's name.
-%
-Alex came home from a business trip to Chicago and found no one home but his
-daughter Rose, who was crying bitterly.
-	"What's the matter, darling?" asked Alex.
-	"Mommy almost died last night," sobbed Rose.
-	"That's nonsense," said the father.  "Why do you say that?"
-	"Well," said Rose,"you always told us that when we die we'll see God;
-so when I heard Mommy moaning last night I rushed to her bedroom and she was
-screaming, "Oh God, here I come," and she would have but Uncle Jerry held her
-down."
-%
-"Algorithms" is an anagram for "Hilt orgasm".  Maybe this explains
-the popularity of this field of study in computer science.
-%
-Alimony, n.:
-	Having an ex you can bank on.
-%
-All a hacker needs is a tight PUSHJ, a loose pair of UUOs, and a warm
-place to shift.
-%
-All husbands are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell
-them apart.
-%
-All I really want in life is a piece and some quiet.
-%
-All I want is a girl made of wood,
-With fine-grained hair and carven knee.
-She wouldn't drink and wouldn't smoke,
-Oh, wooden tit be loverly?
-		-- Pinocchio
-%
-All jobs should be open to everybody, unless they actually require a
-penis or a vagina.
-		-- Florynce Kennedy
-
-There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis
-or a vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone.
-		-- Gloria Steinem
-%
-All religions issue Bibles against Satan, and say the most
-injurious things against him, but we never hear his side.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-All the girls in France, do a hookie-kookie dance,
-And you know the way they shake, is enough to fry a snake,
-And the snake they fry, is enough to tell a lie,
-And the lie they tell, is enough to go to
-Hello, operator, give me number nine,
-If you disconnect me, I'll kick you in the
-Behind the 'frigerator, there was a piece of glass,
-If you do not pick it up, I'll kick you in the
-Ask me no more questions, tell me no more lies,
-This is what Lulu told me, just before she died.
-She had a little brother, she named him Tiny Tim,
-She put him in the potty, to see if he could swim.
-He swam down to the bottom, he swam up to the top,
-Lulu got disgusted, and flushed him down the pot.
-		-- Princess
-%
-All the waters of the earth are in the armpit of the Great Frog.
-		-- R. Crumb
-%
-All things dull and ugly, All creatures short and squat,
-	All things rude and nasty, The Lord God made the lot;
-Each little snake that poisons, Each little wasp that stings,
-	He made their brutish venom, He made their horrid wings.
-All things sick and cancerous, All evil great and small,
-	All things foul and dangerous, The Lord God made them all.
-Each nasty little hornet, Each beastly little squid.
-	Who made the spikey urchin? Who made the sharks?  He did.
-All things scabbed and ulcerous, All pox both great and small.
-	Putrid, foul and gangrenous, The Lord God made them all.
-		-- Monty Python's Flying Circus
-%
-All this big deal about white collar crime -- what's WRONG with white collar
-crime?  Who enjoys his job today?  You?  Me?  Anybody?  The only satisfying
-part of any job is coffee break, lunch hour and quitting time.  Years ago
-there was at least the hope of improvement -- eventual promotion -- more
-important jobs to come.  Once you can be sold the myth that you may make
-president of the company you'll hardly ever steal stamps.  But nobody
-believes he's going to be president anymore.  The more people change jobs
-the more they realize that there is a direct connection between working for
-a living and total stupefying boredom.  So why NOT take revenge?  You're not
-going to find ME knocking a guy because he pads an expense account and his
-home stationery carries the company emblem.  Take away crime from the white
-collar worker and you will rob him of his last vestige of job interest.
-		-- J. Feiffer
-%
-All work and no pay makes a housewife.
-%
-Already the spirit of our schooling is permeated with the feeling that every
-subject, every topic, every fact, every professed truth must be submitted
-to a certain publicity and impartiality.  All proffered samples of learning
-must go to the same assay-room and be subjected to common tests.  It is the
-essence of all dogmatic faiths to hold that any such "show-down" is
-sacrilegious and perverse.  The characteristic of religion, from their point
-of view, is that it is intellectually secret, not public; peculiarly revealed,
-not generally known; authoritatively declared, not communicated and tested
-in ordinary ways...It is pertinent to point out that, as long as religion
-is conceived as it is now by the great majority of professed religionists,
-there is something self-contradictory in speaking of education in religion
-in the same sense in which we speak of education in topics where the method
-of free inquiry has made its way.  The "religious" would be the last to be
-willing that either the history of the content of religion should be taught
-in this spirit; while those to whom the scientific standpoint is not merely
-a technical device, but is the embodiment of the integrity of mind, must
-protest against its being taught in any other spirit.
-		-- John Dewey, "Democracy in the Schools" (1908)
-%
-Alright, yes, date, and shop, and hang out, and go to school ... and
-save the world from unspeakable demons.  You know, I want to do girlie
-stuff.
-		-- Buffy, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Faith, Hope & Trick"
-		   Season 3, Episode 3
-%
-Although a fifth-generation American, Father Sweeny was more Irish than most
-of Erin's natives.  He spoke with an Irish brogue which had mysteriously
-appeared during his nineteenth year and he *hated* the English.  Due to his
-proclivity to belabor the British from his pulpit, complaints to his
-superiors were not infrequent.  He would blame anything evil or merely
-inconvenient on the English people.  If there was an act of terrorism, the
-responsibility was promptly laid at the feet of the Brits.  If there was a
-natural disaster, undoubtedly the English government was an accessory to
-the fact, if not outrightly culpable.  Repeatedly, his superiors called him
-on the carpet for his behavior.  After a particularly vituperative
-anti-British broadside, the Bishop instructed Father Sweeny to come straight
-to his office; do not pass GO; do not collect two hundred dollars.  Summing
-up a humiliating and soul-marking reprimand, the Bishop ended with: "Next
-week is Saint Patrick's Day.  If you so much as *mention* the British, it's
-your last sermon!"
-
-The following Sunday, as Father Sweeny spoke lovingly and eloquently of
-Saint Patrick, and he made a reference to the last Passover celebrated by
-Christ and His disciples.  "Sure, an' you're all familiar with the tale.
-You know that Our Lord sat at the table and told his disciples that one
-among them would betray Him.  As He looked around the table, He stopped at
-Peter, the Rock, who said, `Not I, Lord!'  He looked at Thomas, who doubted,
-and Thomas said, `I could never do such a thing!'  Then the Lord looked long
-and hard at Judas Iscariot, who said, `Cor, bloimy, Guv'na, you couldn't
-main may!'"
-%
-Always talk to your wife while you're
-making love... if there's a phone handy.
-%
-Ambition, n.:
-	An ant crawling up an elephant's leg with rape on his mind.
-%
-America ... just a nation of two hundred million used car salesman
-with all the money we need to buy guns and no qualms about killing
-anybody else in the world who tries to make us uncomfortable.
-		-- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing:
-		   On the Campaign Trail"
-%
-America cannot be sold a can of beer without
-being offered a piece of pussy along with it.
-		-- Julius Lester
-%
-America, I'm putting my queer shoulder to the wheel.
-		-- Allen Ginsberg
-%
-America is a large, friendly dog in a very small room.  Every time it
-wags its tail, it knocks over a chair.
-		-- Arnold Joseph Toynbee
-%
-American culture is based on the automobile, and any young man of promise
-is going to own one and want to travel great distances in it.  Consequently,
-any young woman of aspiration should expect to spend most of her vacations
-in a car, probing into unfamiliar corners.  She is not required to know how
-to drive but she will certainly be expected to read the road map while her
-husband drives, and if she can't, or if she's abnormally slow in giving him
-help, she's bound to cause trouble.  Therefore, you'd think that colleges
-which train the bright young women who're going to marry the bright young
-men who are going to own the Cadillacs that roar back and forth across this
-continent would teach the girls to read maps.  None do. They teach a hundred
-other useless things, but never a word about the one that will cause the
-greatest friction.
-		-- James Michener, "Space"
-%
-Americans have different ways of saying things. They say "elevator,"
-we say "lift" ... they say "President," we say "stupid psychopathic
-git."
-		-- Alexei Sayle
-%
-America's two greatest inventions are finger-fucking and carpet-bombing.
-		-- Lyndon B. Johnson
-%
-An 11 is a 10 who doesn't have headaches.
-%
-An American, a Frenchman, and a Vietnamese refugee had a discussion about
-the happiness of life.
-	"To me, happiness is returning home on a Monday evening, having a wonderful
-dinner prepared by my wife, then slouching on the sofa watching Monday Night
-Football," the American said.
-	"You Americans are not romantic at all", the French injected, "Sharing
-a beautiful evening with my lover, walking along the Seine river, and having a
-romantic dinner on top of the Eiffel tower.  That is happiness of life."
-	"You call those things happiness", the Vietnamese laughed, "then you
-two still don't understand life at all.  Imagine this.  You are sleeping
-soundly at night in Saigon.  Then suddenly you hear loud knocks on your front
-door.  You hear loud voices, 'Mr. Nguyen Van Binh, open the door!'.  Quaking
-with fear, you rush out and open the door.  Right there, you see two secret
-policemen ready to handcuff you.  One of them says to you, 'Mr. Nguyen Van
-Binh, you are under arrest for your anti-revolutionary activities.  You are
-being sent to the re-educational camp tonight!'  Sweating profusely and
-shaking uncontrollably, you reply to them, 'Comrades, Mr. Nguyen Van Binh
-lives next door.'  That moment is happiness in life, my friends.
-%
-An American businessman in London was given special visitor's privileges at an
-exclusive men's club.  Striding in one afternoon, the American approached the
-only other man in the lounge and tried to strike up a conversation.  "Care
-for a cigar?" he asked.
-	"No, thank you," the Englishman replied.  "I tried smoking once and
-didn't like it."
-	"Would you care to join me in the bar for a drink, then?" the
-businessman asked.
-	"No, thank you.  I tried drinking once and it didn't agree with me."
-	"Well, how about a game of billiards?"
-	"Sorry.  I tried it once and couldn't seem to get the hang of it."
-	As the American started to turn away, the Englishman said, "But my
-son will be here shortly, and I'm sure he would enjoy a game with you."
-	"Your son?  An only child, I presume."
-%
-An American couple is in Paris, a much awaited trip, when suddenly the wife
-dies of a heart attack.  The husband decides to have her buried there as the
-visit to France was something they had longed for for many years.  All
-arrangements are made when he suddenly realizes that he doesn't have a black
-hat for the funeral.  The hotel concierge tells him that what he wants is a
-"chapeau noir."  So off he goes to find a store open late.
-	First he meets a gendarme and in his fractured French asks, "M'sieur,
-ou pouvais-je acheter un capeau noir?"
-	The policeman is a bit surprised but, after thinking a bit, gives our
-friend directions.  The store -- if that is what it is -- looks a little seedy
-and run down, but the man behind the counter looks friendly so in goes our
-hero.  He speaks first:
-	"M'sieur, je veux acheter un capeau noir."
-	"Mais, monsieur, j'ai des capeaux rouges, des capeaux blancs, et des
-capeaux marrons, mais pas des capeaux noires.  Pourquoi avez vous besoin d'un
-capeau noir?"
-	"Ma femme est morte."
-	"O Monsieur!  Quelle beau sentiment!"
-%
-An American walks into an Irish pub around lunchtime, and finds the place
-is completely filled and there are no chairs available, with the exception
-of one -- seating a Chihuahua next to a woman.  He very politely asks her
-if she would mind placing her dog on the floor for a few minutes while he
-got a quick bite to eat.
-	"I most certainly would!", the woman haughtily replies.  "Little
-Fifi *always* sits next to me at lunchtime and there she will stay!"
-	Whereupon, the American picks up the Chihuahua, throws it out of
-an open window and takes the seat.
-	An Irishman, watching the whole encounter, walks over, taps the
-American on the shoulder and says, "Mate, I guess I never will understand
-you Americans.  You drink your beer cold, drive on the right side of the
-street, and you just threw the wrong bitch out the window!"
-%
-An angst-ridden amorist, Fred,
-Saw sartorial changes ahead.
-	His mind kept on ringing
-	With fishy girls singing;
-Soft fruit also filled him with dread.
-		-- J. Walker, "The Love Song Of J. Alfred Prufrock"
-%
-An Army travels on her stomach.
-%
-An egg has the shortest sex-life of all: it gets laid once; it gets
-eaten once.  It also has to come in a box with 11 others, and the only
-person who will sit on its face is its mother.
-%
-An encounter with a beautiful woman is good medicine for the well organized
-logical mind -- a little jolt never hurt.  Note that the anarchists have
-been saying this for years about the A-bomb and civilization.
-		-- Encyclopadia Apocryphia
-%
-An office party is not, as is sometimes supposed the Managing Director's
-chance to kiss the tea-girl.  It is the tea-girl's chance to kiss the
-Managing Director (however bizarre an ambition this may seem to anyone
-who has seen the Managing Director face on).
-		-- Katherine Whitehorn, "Roundabout"
-%
-And Bezel saideth unto Sham: "Sham," he saideth, "Thou shalt goest
-unto the town of Begorrah, and there thou shalt fetcheth unto thine
-bosom 35 talents, and also shalt thou fetcheth a like number of cubits,
-provideth that they are nice and fresh."
-		-- Dave Barry, "Getting Religion"
-%
-And do you not think that each of you women is an Eve?  The judgment of God
-upon your sex endures today; and with it invariably endures your position of
-criminal at the bar of justice.
-		-- Tertullian, second-century Christian writer
-%
-...And have you ever noticed that you never see the Father, the Son, and
-the Holy Ghost partying together at the same time?  Oh, sure, everybody
-talks like they aren't the same person, but I wonder...
-%
-And having stretched me out upon his bed with my head a little to one side,
-he sat down next to me and raised my head upon his lap.  He peered avidly at
-me, his eyes seemed ready to devour the secretion oozing from my nose.  "Oh,
-the pretty little snotface," said he, beginning to pant, "How I'm going to
-suck her."  Therewith bending down over me, and taking my nose in his mouth,
-not only did he devour all the mucus between my nose and mouth, but he even
-lewdly darted the tip of his tongue into each of my nostrils, one after the
-other, and with such cleverness he provoked two or three sneezes which
-redoubled the flow he desired and was consuming so hungrily.  But ask me for
-no details bearing upon this fellow, Messieurs, nothing appeared, and whether
-because he did nothing, or because he did it all in his drawers, there was
-nothing to be seen, and amidst the multitude of his kisses and lecherous
-lickings there was nothing outstanding which might have denoted an ecstasy,
-and consequently it is my opinion that he did not discharge.  All my clothes
-were in place, even his hands stayed still, and I give you my word that this
-old libertine's fantasy might be performed upon the world's most respectable
-and least initiated girl without her being able to suppose there was anything
-lewd in it at all.
-		-- Marquis de Sade
-%
-And let me the canakin clink, clink;
-and let me the canakin clink.
-	A soldier's a man;
-	O, man's life's but a span,
-Why then, let a soldier drink.
-%
-And now, the Bing Crosby show, brought to you by the makers of Ex-Lax.
-... a brief pause, and then Bing!
-%
-And on the third day, Christ arose, pushed aside the rock that had served
-as the tomb door, and walked again on the earth.
-	And as he departed, a passer-by pointed at the door Jesus had left
-open.  "What's the matter with you?" he said. "Born in a barn?"
-%
-And prively he caughte hire by the queynte,
-And heeld hire harde by the haunche-bones.
-		-- Geoffrey Chaucer, "The Miller's Tale"
-%
-And so it goes.  It is humiliating, when you should know better, to become
-victim of the timeless story of the little brown dog running across the
-freight yard, crossing all the railroad tracks until a switch engine nipped
-off the end of his tail between wheel and rail.  The little dog yelped, and
-he spun so quickly to check himself out that the next wheel chopped through
-his little brown neck.  The moral is, of course, never lose your head over
-a piece of tail.
-		-- John D. MacDonald, "The Scarlet Ruse"
-%
-And the northern lights commenced to glow.
-And she said, with a tear in her eye,
-"Watch out where the huskies go, and don't you eat that yellow snow."
-		-- Frank Zappa, "The Story of Nanook and the Fur Trapper"
-%
-And then there was the lawyer that stepped in cow manure and thought
-he was melting...
-%
-Angel:	We need you to distract the vampires.
-Buffy:	Right.
-Xander:	What are you going to do?
-Buffy:	I'm going to kill them all.  (Walking away)
-	That oughta distract them.
-		-- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "When She Was Bad"
-		   Season 2, Episode 1
-%
-Another greeting card category consists of those persons who send out
-photographs of their families every year.  In the same mail that brought the
-greetings from Marcia and Philip, my friend found such a conversation piece.
-"My God, Lida is enormous!" she exclaimed.  I don't know why women want to
-record each year, for two or three hundred people to see, the ravages wrought
-upon them, their mates, and their progeny by the artillery of time, but
-between five and seven per cent of Christmas cards, at a rough estimate, are
-family groups, and even the most charitable recipient studies them for little
-signs of dissolution or derangement.  Nothing cheers a woman more, I am afraid,
-than the proof that another woman is letting herself go, or has lost control
-of her figure, or is clearly driving her husband crazy, or is obviously
-drinking more than is good for her, or still doesn't know what to wear.
-Middle-aged husbands in such photographs are often described as looking
-"young enough to be her son," but they don't always escape so easily, and a
-couple opening envelopes in the season of mercy and good will sometimes handle
-a male friend or acquaintance rather sharply.  "Good Lord!" the wife will say.
-"Frank looks like a sex-crazed shotgun slayer, doesn't he?"  "Not to me," the
-husband may reply.  "to me he looks more like a Wilkes-Barre dentist who is
-being sought by the police in connection with the disappearance of a choir
-singer."
-		-- James Thurber, "Merry Christmas"
-%
-Another nun joke!!!
-	You see, three nuns were walking down the street, when suddenly
-this flasher jumped out in front of them and opened his trench coat,
-exposing his all to the sisters.  Well, two of the nuns had strokes right
-there, but the third nun wouldn't touch it.
-%
-Another stupid gay joke!!!
-	You see, this gay man walks into a Texas bar and orders a strawberry
-daiquiri.  The bartender looks him over with amusement and says: "We don't
-serve your kind, buddy, why don't you get out of here before the boys come
-in and kick your ass?"
-	The guy whimpers a little and lisps, "Pleasse misssture I am soooo
-thurstay ..."
-	Well, the bartender feels somewhat sorry for him and hands him a beer
-on the house on the condition that he drink it in the back and leave as soon
-as he's done.  A little while later, a hulking cowboy walks in and up to the
-bar.  He slams his fist on the bar and hollers, "I'm so thirsty, I could
-lick the sweat off of a bulls' balls!"
-	From the back of the bar comes the cry...  "Moo, moo, buckaroooooo!!!"
-%
-Anxiety, n.:
-	The first time you can't do it a second time.
-
-Panic, n.:
-	The second time you can't do it the first time.
-%
-Any girl who believes that the way to a man's heart is through
-his stomach is obviously setting her standards too high.
-%
-Any woman is a volume if one knows how to read her.
-%
-Anya:	Look, I know you find me attractive, I've seen you looking
-	at my breasts.
-Xander:	Nothing personal, but when a guy does that it just means
-	his eyes are open.
-		-- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "The Prom"
-		   Season 3, Episode 20
-%
-Anything created must necessarily be inferior to the essence of the creator.
-		-- Claude Shouse
-
-Einstein's mother must have been one heck of a physicist.
-		-- Joseph C. Wang
-%
-Anything more than three shakes is for fun.
-%
-APL hackers take all they want.
-%
-Apple owners do it with mice!
-%
-APPOINTMENT BOOK:
-	The reference of last resort when trying to duck undesired
-	invitations ("Gee, the soonest I can pencil you in is
-	December, 2039"), or when trying to figure out what the hell
-	it was you did during the past year.
-%
-Approximately 80% of our air pollution stems from hydrocarbons
-released by vegetation, so let's not go overboard in setting and
-enforcing tough emissions standards from man-made sources.
-		-- Ronald Reagan
-%
-Are there those in the land of the brave
-Who can tell me how I should behave
-	When I am disgraced
-	Because I erased
-A file I intended to save?
-%
-ARIES (Mar. 21 to Apr. 19)
-	Be cheerful today. People who don't like you will outnumber those
-	who do.  You have warts.  Focus on domestic status, financial matters,
-	and venereal disease.  Look for involvement with Libra or Aquarius
-	natives; probably a fistfight with one of each.
-%
-Arkansas:
-	Where the men are men, so are the women and the sheep run scared.
-%
-As fathers commonly go, it is seldom a misfortune to be fatherless;
-and considering the general run of sons, as seldom a misfortune to
-be childless.
-
-The only solid and lasting peace between a man and his wife is,
-doubtless, a separation.
-		-- Lord Chesterfield, letter to his son (1763)
-%
-As for Carter being for registration but against the draft, isn't that
-sort of being like for putting it in and not taking it out?  Even if it
-was possible not to follow through, you'd still be getting screwed.
-%
-As long as your ass is pointed at the ground, don't fuck with me.
-%
-As my dear auntie used to say, "Love makes the world go 'round, but sex
-makes the ride fun."
-%
-As near as I can tell, you're not any crazier
-than the average asshole on the street.
-		-- R.P. McMurphy, "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest"
-%
-As part of an equal opportunity project, a memo was sent to all the offices
-within External Affairs asking for "A list of all employees broken down by
-sex."
-	One of the memos was returned with the notation: "I'm sorry: we
-know of nobody in this office who fits your criteria.  We do, however,
-have two alcoholics."
-%
-As Rev. Spooner would say, you are a shining wit.
-%
-As she lay there dozing next beside me, a voice inside my head kept
-saying "Relax... you're not the first doctor who's ever slept with
-one of his patients," but another voice kept reminding me, "Howard,
-you're a veterinarian."
-%
-As the Catholic church becomes more and more tolerant, some day they will
-have to consider the possibility of a gay pope.  Possibly the largest
-issue will be having to decide whether he is "absolutely divine" or "just
-simply marvelous."
-%
-As the recent sightings of bumper stickers reading "IN CASE OF RAPTURE, THIS
-VEHICLE WILL BE UNMANNED" have created a great deal of confusion, Fortune
-offers the following excerpts from the 1989 printing of the State of Maryland
-Driver's Handbook:
-	If you notice a glorious light in the sky, a sound as of an infinite
-choir of unearthly voices, and a host of winged beings descending from the
-heavens, do not panic.  If you are on the freeway, move to the shoulder as
-soon as it is safe to do so, activate your hazard blinkers, and wait for the
-end of the world.  If you are Saved, it is especially important that you do
-this BEFORE you are carried to your Eternal Reward, in order that your vehicle
-not become a hazard to others.  Remember, Rapture is the number one cause of
-automobile accidents during major spiritual upheavals.  You may experience a
-feeling of discorporation ("being pulled from one's body") while driving.  To
-ensure the safety of your passengers and other drivers, move to the shoulder
-as soon as you notice any of the following symptoms:
-	-- An overwhelming sense of peace and happiness.
-	-- Visions of the faces of deceased family members.
-	-- A glorious figure in white, beckoning from the end of a tunnel of
-white mist (do not confuse this with traffic control or maintenance officers,
-who wear dark blue and safety orange.)
-	Once the feeling has passed, inspect your surroundings.  If still in
-your car, you have probably suffered a stroke and should have someone drive
-you to a hospital at once.  If you find yourself in the Kingdom of God, consult
-the local officials for information on local traffic rules and regulations.
-%
-As the truck driver came flying over the top of a steep hill, he spotted two
-figures in his path rolling around in the middle of the road.  The driver blew
-his horn and braked frantically, but the couple continued their lovemaking,
-oblivious to his warnings.  The truck finally slid to a halt barely three
-inches from the pair.  "Are you crazy?" the driver screamed at them.  "You
-could have been killed!"
-	The man stood up and faced the driver.  "Well, I was coming, she was
-coming and you were coming," he panted, "and you were the only one with
-brakes."
-%
-As they say about Dungeons and Dragons, "Life's a die, and then you bitch."
-%
-Ask your boss to reconsider --
-It's so difficult to take "Go to hell" for an answer.
-%
-Asked by reporters about his upcoming marriage to a forty-two-year-old
-woman, director Roman Polanski told reporters, "The way I look at it,
-she's the equivalent of three fourteen-year-olds."
-		-- David Letterman
-%
-Ass, n.:
-	The masculine of "lass".
-%
-Ass, grass or gas... nobody rides for free!
-%
-Assassins do it from behind.
-%
-At her annual checkup, the attractive young woman is told by the doctor that
-it's necessary to take her temperature rectally.  She agrees and bends over
-the examining table, but a few seconds later says indignantly, "Doctor, that's
-NOT my rectum!"
-	"Madam," says the doctor, "that's not my thermometer!"
-	Just then, the woman's husband, hearing her voice, comes into the
-room.  "Just what the hell is going on here?" he demands.
-	"I'm taking your wife's temperature," the doctor cooly replies.
-	"Okay, doc, you know best," says the husband as he picks a scalpel
-off the doctor's desk, "but when that thing comes out, it better have
-numbers on it!"
-%
-At last, the first Soviet, artificially intelligent computer had been produced.
-The engineers did not get it, nor the physicists.  First things first: it went
-to the institute of Marxism-Leninism.
-
-"IS IT POSSIBLE TO BUILD SOCIALISM IN SWITZERLAND?" typed in one of the
-	theologians.
-"YES," replied the computer.  "BUT IT WOULD BE SUCH A PITY TO DESTROY
-	SUCH A BEAUTIFUL COUNTRY."
-%
-At twenty-six, Kate, though not promiscuous, had slept with most of the
-decent men in public life.
-		-- Renata Adler
-%
-Attractive bisexual young woman seeks same for high mellow times.
-%
-Australia's a lovely land
-It's full of bonza blokes,
-Sheilas, beer and no-one's queer
-Except in Pommie jokes.
-
-Australians are lovely chaps
-They're God's own chosen race.
-If they ever see a fairy Pom
-They'll smash him in the face.
-
-Australians like dressing up
-In skirts and having fun
-And that's all we were doing
-When the Vice Squad came along.
-		-- Monty Python
-%
-A-Z affectionately,
-1 to 10 alphabetically,
-from here to eternity without in betweens,
-still looking for a custom fit in an off-the-rack world,
-sales talk from sales assistants
-	when all i want to do is lower your resistance,
-no rhythm in cymbals no tempo in drums,
-love's on arrival,
-she comes when she comes,
-right on the target but wide of the mark...
-%
-B4 I4Q, RU/18 QT 3.14
-%
-Bachelors' wives and old maids' children are always perfect.
-		-- Nicolas Chamfort
-%
-Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like was
-popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day: a true red-
-blooded born-and-raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from
-back East, and a beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady.  The city-
-slicker kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said,
-"Lady, I'll give you $10 for a blow job."  The Texas gentleman looked
-appalled, pulled out his pistol, and killed the city-slicker on the
-spot.  The lady gasped and said, "Thank you, suh, for defendin' mah
-honor!"  Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor,
-hell!  No tenderfoot is gonna raise the price of women in Texas!"
-%
-Balls Law:
-	The angle of the dangle is directly proportional to the heat
-	of the meat provided that the thrusts of the busts are constant.
-%
-Baltimore, n.:
-	Where the women wear turtleneck sweaters to hide their flea
-	collars.
-%
-Bankers do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal).
-%
-Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think
-Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
-
-	(1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
-	(2) Advising the President.
-	(3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
-		-- David Letterman
-%
-Be prepared... that's the Boy Scout's solemn creed.
-Be prepared... to be clean in word and deed.
-Don't solicit for your sister, that's not nice,
-Unless you get a good percentage of her price ...
-		-- Tom Lehrer
-%
-Beat me, bite me, whip me, fuck me, make me write bad checks!
-%
-Beauty, n.:
-	The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
-Beauty seldom recommends one woman to another.
-%
-Because woman's work is never done and is underpaid or unpaid or boring or
-repetitious and we're the first to get the sack and what we look like is
-more important than what we do and if we get raped it's our fault and if we
-get bashed we must have provoked it and if we raise our voices we're nagging
-bitches and if we enjoy sex nymphos and if we don't we're frigid and if we
-love women it's because we can't get a "real" man and if we ask our doctor
-too many questions we're neurotic and/or pushy and if we expect community
-care for children we're selfish and if we stand up for our rights we're
-aggressive and "unfeminine" and if we don't we're typical weak females and
-if we want to get married we're out to trap a man and if we don't we're
-unnatural and because we still can't get an adequate safe contraceptive but
-men can walk on the moon and if we can't cope or don't want a pregnancy we're
-made to feel guilty about abortion and... for lots and lots of other reasons
-we are part of the women's liberation movement.
-%
-Bedfellows make strange politicians.
-%
-Beef stroganoff, n.:
-	A bull masturbating.
-%
-Behold the unborn fetus and
-	Weep salt tears crocodilian;
-All life is sacred (save, of course,
-	An enemy civilian).
-%
-Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals.
-To actual women it is merely a good excuse not to play football.
-		-- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
-%
-Being stoned on marijuana isn't very different from being stoned on
-gin.
-		-- Ralph Nader
-%
-Bend over and take it like a man!
-%
-Beneath this stone a virgin lies,
-For her life held no terrors.
-A virgin born, a virgin died:
-No hits, no runs, no errors.
-%
-Beneath this stone lies Murphy,
-They buried him today,
-He lived the life of Riley,
-While Riley was away.
-%
-Benny Hill:	Would you like a peanut?
-Girl:		No, thank you, I don't want to be under obligation.
-Benny Hill:	You won't be under obligation for a peanut.
-		It's not as if it were a chocolate bar or something.
-%
-Better a sister in a whorehouse than a brother on a Honda.
-%
-BETTER LATE THAN NEVER:
-	The single girl's motto.
-%
-Beware of a tall dark man with a spoon up his nose.
-%
-Beware of altruism.  It is based on self-deception, the root of all
-evil.
-%
-Bi now, gay later!
-%
-Big Toe: The pad of the male big toe applied to the clitoris or the vulva
-generally is a magnificent erotic instrument.  The famous gentleman in erotic
-prints who is keeping six women occupied is using tongue, penis, both hands,
-and both big toes.  Use the toe in mammary or armpit intercourse or any time
-you are astride her, or sit facing as she lies or sits.  Make sure the nail
-isn't sharp.  In a restaurant, in these days of tights one can surreptitiously
-remove a shoe and sock, reach over, and keep her in almost continuous orgasm
-with all four hands fully in view on the table top and no sign of contact--
-A party trick which really rates as advanced sex.  She has less scope, but
-can learn to masturbate him with her two big toes.  The toes are definitely
-erogenic areas, and can be kissed, sucked, tickled, or tied with stimulating
-results.
-		-- The Joy of Sex
-		[Avoid armpit intercourse when razor stubble is present. Ed.]
-%
-Bill and Jim were walking home from work.  As they walked along, they
-discussed their wives' spending habits.  "I don't understand how women
-can spend so much money," Bill exclaimed.  "I mean, understand, she
-don't drink, and she's got her own pussy!"
-%
-Birth, copulation and death.
-That's all the facts when you come to brass tacks;
-Birth, copulation and death.
-		-- T.S. Elliot, "Sweeney Agonistes"
-%
-Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
-		-- Woody Allen
-%
-Bitch, bitch, bitch --
-That's all I ever hear,
-Ever since the dog ate the baby,
-"Get rida the dog, get rida the dog."
-%
-Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth.
-%
-Blow it out your ass!
-%
-Board the windows, up your car insurance, and don't leave any booze in plain
-sight.  It's St. Patrick's day in Chicago again.  The legend has it that St.
-Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland.  In fact, he was arrested for drunk
-driving.  The snakes left because people kept throwing up on them.
-%
-BOHICA:
-	Bend over, here it comes again.
-%
-Bondage, or as the French call it, ligottage, is the gentle art of tying up
-your sex partner --- not to overcome reluctance but to boost orgasm.  It's
-one unscheduled sex technique which a lot of people find extremely exciting
-but are scared to try, and a venerable human resource for increasing sexual
-feeling, partly because it's a harmless expression of sexual aggression --
-something we badly need, our culture being very uptight about it -- and more
-because of its physical affects: slow orgasm when unable to move is a
-mind-blowing experience for anyone not too frightened of their own aggressive
-self to try it.
-		-- The Joy of Sex
-%
-Bookstores will soon be stocking a volume called "The Unsensuous
-Census Taker".  It's about a guy who comes once every ten years.
-%
-Booze is the answer.  I don't remember the question.
-%
-Brain on vacation, penis on autopilot.
-%
-Breakfast sometime?
-	Sure.
-Shall I call you or just nudge you?
-%
-Bridget O'Flaherty McHugh
-Held venal traffic with a gnu.
-Mistaking fore for aft one morn
-Impaled herself upon its horn.
-
-Moral:	Those who seek high ends should shun
-	our furred and feathered friends.
-%
-Brigands will demand your money or
-your life, but a woman will demand both.
-		-- Samuel Butler
-%
-Bringing your mate to a convention is like taking a game warden hunting.
-%
-Britain has lowered the tax on chastity belts by about 60 cents each...
-[reclassifying them] as a safety device rather than... clothing
-		-- NY Times
-%
-Brother Jim's recent appearance on the William and Mary campus this past
-week was cut short by an ingenious device designed by two computer science
-students.  A three-foot bar of extruded aluminum was precisely machined,
-with a hole milled down the center of precisely the dimensions of one of
-the small Gideon bibles.  The end capped off, a CO2 canister was connected
-to provide up to 2,000 PSIG.  Preliminary estimates during field testing
-revealed a muzzle velocity of approximately 120-150 MPH for bibles exiting
-the tube.  Sufficient ammunition was obtained during a previous visit to
-campus by another religious organization, and the system was first used on
-Brother Jim, who suffered a broken rib and numerous small bruises, in
-addition to the usual humiliation.
-%
-Brunette bush, n.:
-	The dark side of the moon.
-%
-Buffy:	Am I repulsive?  If there was something repulsive about me, you'd
-	tell me right?
-Willow:	I'm your friend.  I would call you repulsive in a second.
-		-- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "The Harsh Light of Day"
-		   Season 1, Episode 3
-%
-Buffy:	How do you get to be renowned?  I mean like, do you have to be
-	nowned first?
-Willow:	Yes.  First there is the painful nowning process.
-		-- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "The Freshman"
-		   Season 1, Episode 1
-%
-Buffy:	It was exactly you Will, every detail.  Except for your not being
-	a dominatrix, as far as we know.
-Willow:	Oh right, me and Oz play, "Mistress of Pain" every night.
-Xander:	Did anyone else just go to a scary visual place?
-Buffy:	Oh yeah.
-		-- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Dopplegangland"
-		   Season 3, Episode 16
-%
-Buffy:	No!  You guys are gonna have a prom.  The kind of prom that
-	everyone should have.  I'm going to give you all a nice, fun,
-	normal evening; if I have to kill every single person on the
-	face of the earth to do it!
-Xander:	Yay.
-		-- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "The Prom"
-		   Season 3, Episode 20
-%
-Bug, n.:
-	A son of a glitch.
-%
-Build a better mousetrap, the saying goes -- and with the brassiere,
-Yankee Ingenuity did exactly that.  But their true stroke of genius was
-the new bait.  The old fashioned mousetrap was loaded with cheese;
-nobody cares much about cheese, except mice.  But when American
-Know-How reloaded the brassiere with tits, every heterosexual male in
-the country was hopelessly trapped.
-		-- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
-%
-Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire,
-and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
-		-- Terry Pratchett
-%
-But if it's 80% glucose, then why does it taste salty?
-		-- Anonymous med school student
-%
-But they'll never mechanize me -- not me!
-Said Charlotte, the Louisville harlot.
-		-- S.I. Hayakawa
-%
-But we've only fondled the surface of that subject.
-		-- Virginia Masters, of Master & Johnson
-%
-Buy old masters.  They fetch better prices than old mistresses.
-		-- Lord Beaverbrook
-%
-By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you
-get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-		-- Socrates
-%
-CAD:
-	A man who doesn't tell his wife
-	that he's sterile until she's pregnant.
-%
-CALIFORNIA:
-	From Latin 'calor', meaning "heat" (as in English 'calorie' or
-	Spanish 'caliente'); and 'fornia', for "sexual intercourse" or
-	"fornication." Hence:  Tierra de California, "the land of hot sex."
-		-- Ed Moran, Covina, California
-%
-California is proud to be the home of the freeway.
-		-- Ronald Reagan
-%
-Call for Ms. Lingus, Ms. Connie Lingus...
-%
-Callgirl, n.:
-	A negotiable blond.
-%
-Camille's Axiom:
-	If you haven't asked yourself, "Why the hell did
-	I go to college anyway?", you must be teaching.
-%
-Canada is so square even the female impersonators are women.
-		-- From the movie "Outrageous"
-%
-CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
-	You are sympathetic and understanding of other people's problems.
-	They think you are a sucker.  You are always putting things off.
-	That's why you'll never make anything of yourself.  Most welfare
-	recipients are Cancer people.
-%
-Candy
-Is dandy
-But liquor
-Is quicker.
-		-- Ogden Nash, "Reflections on Ice-Breaking"
-
-Fortune updates the great quotes: #53.
-	Candy is dandy; but liquor is quicker,
-	and sex won't rot your teeth.
-%
-Captain Hook died of jock itch.
-%
-"Carefully study these two enlarged photographs on display, Mr. Rafferty,"
-the attorney for a politician suing a newspaper for libel instructed his
-client on the witness stand, "and indicate which is your ass and which is
-a hole in the ground."
-%
-Catholicism has changed tremendously in the recent years.  Now when
-Communion is served there is also a salad bar.
-		-- Bill Maher
-%
-Ce livre est dedie a Chagrin,		This book is dedicated to Chagrin,
-Qui fit un petit mannequin:		Who fashioned a small doll:
-	Sans bras et tout noir,			Without arms and all black,
-	Il etait affreux voir;			It was horrible sight;
-En effet, absolument la fin.		In effect, the absolute end.
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-Champagne don't make me lazy.
-Cocaine don't drive me crazy.
-Ain't nobody's business but my own.
-		-- Taj Mahal
-%
-Chaste makes waste.
-%
-Chastity:
-	The most unnatural of the sexual perversions.
-		-- Aldous Huxley
-%
-CHASTITY BELT:
-	An anti-trust suit.
-
-	(And an unchivalrous knight is the one that files it.)
-%
-Chastity is its own punishment.
-%
-Chicago has journalists' bars, ethnic bars, neighborhood bars, even midget
-bars, hundreds, maybe thousands of bars, on every neighborhood block.
-I was drinking on afternoon in O'Rourke's, a bar on the Near North side.
-It was dark and empty, which suited my mood.  A fat, stubble-bearded,
-middle-aged man waddled in, took the stool next to mine, and ordered a
-beer.  He was completely unremarkable, except that he was dressed, head
-to toe, in a white-lace wedding gown.  After a silence, I said, "Been to
-a wedding?"
-	He brushed back his veil, rustled his petticoats and said, "Uh...
-yeah."
-	He silently finished his drink and left.  The bartender said, "You
-know, even the transvestites in this town have five o'clock shadows."
-%
-Chipmunks roasting on an open fire
-Jack Frost ripping up your nose
-Yuletide carolers being thrown in the fire
-And folks dressed up like buffaloes
-Everybody knows a turkey slaughtered in the snow
-Helps to make the season right
-Tiny tots with their eyes all gouged out
-Will find it hard to see tonight
-They know that Santa's on his way
-He's loaded lots of guns and bullets on his sleigh
-And every mother's child is sure to spy
-To see if reindeer really scream when they die
-And so I'm offering this simple phrase
-To kids from one to ninety two
-Although it's been said many times, many ways
-Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Fuck you!!
-%
-Chorus:
-	I don't want to join the army, I don't want to go to war,
-	I'd rather sit around, pickin' dillies off the ground,
-	And livin' off the favors of an 'igh-born lady.
-	I don't want a bullet up me arse 'ole,
-	I don't want me pecker blown away,
-	I'd rather live in England, in jolly, sunny, England,
-	And fornicate me bloody life away!!
-
-Monday I touched her on the ankle,
-Tuesday I touched her on the knee,
-And Wednesday after Mass, I lifted up her dress,
-And Thursday I saw you know what,
-Friday I put me 'and upon it,
-Saturday she gave me balls a tweak [tweak, tweak]
-And Sunday after supper, I ran me fucker up 'er,
-And now she pays me forty quid a week!
-Oh, blimey...
-
-[chorus]
-%
-Christ, n.:
-	A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time.
-%
-Christ died for our sins.  Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not
-committing them?
-		-- Jules Feiffer
-%
-CHRISTIAN:
-	One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far
-	as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin.
-%
-Christian, n.:
-	One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired
-book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor.  One who
-follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent
-with a life of sin.
-%
-Christianity and Judaism aren't all that different, really.  Growing up in
-a Christian family, the feeling of guilt for Man's sins comes from God.
-In a Jewish family, it comes from your parents.
-%
-Christianity has not been tried and found wanting; it has been
-found difficult and not tried.
-		-- G. K. Chesterton
-%
-CHRISTMAS:
-	A day set apart by some as a time for turkey, presents, cranberry
-	salads, family get-togethers; for others, noted as having the best
-	response time of the entire year.
-%
-CHRISTMAS:
-	A time when each of us gets to reflect upon what we each most
-	deeply and sincerely believe in.  Money.  At the mall of our
-	choice.
-%
-Christmas comes but once a year,
-A time for love and laughter;
-You can come much more than that,
-But you have to clean up after.
-%
-Cinderella 10:
-	A woman who sucks and fucks 'til midnight and
-	then turns into a pizza and a six-pack.
-%
-Clark Kent is a transvestite.
-%
-Clarke's Third Law:
-	Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from
-	magic.
-
-G's Third Law:
-	In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe
-	is composed of only two basic substances: magic and bullshit.
-
-H's Dictum:
-	There is no magic...
-%
-Claude believed that only smart attractive people had the right to
-fuck, and it sincerely hurt him when he discovered evidence to the
-contrary.
-		-- Tom Robbins
-%
-Cleveland still lives.  God MUST be dead.
-%
-Clitoris, n.:
-	A haired trigger.
-%
-CLONE OF MY OWN (to Home on the Range)
-
-Oh, give me a clone
-Of my own flesh and bone
-	With the Y chromosome changed to X.
-And when she is grown,
-My very own clone,
-	We'll be of the opposite sex.
-
-Chorus:
-	Clone, clone of my own,
-	With the Y chromosome changed to X.
-	And when we're alone,
-	Since her mind is my own,
-	She'll be thinking of nothing but sex.
-		-- Randall Garrett
-%
-Close the door, let me give you what you've been waiting for!!
-%
-COCAINE:
-	The thinking man's Dristan.
-%
-Cocaine is nature's way of telling you you have too much money.
-%
-Cocaine isn't habit forming.  I should know -- I've been using it for years.
-		-- Tallulah Bankhead
-%
-Cocaine: using tomorrow's energy today.
-%
-Cocaine's a joke!
-	(Who's got the next line?)
-%
-Cock-sucker, n.:
-	Someone who got caught doing what you got away with.
-%
-Coffee without caffeine.  Beer without alcohol.  Milk without fat.
-What's next?  Bridal suites with bunk beds?
-		-- Orben's Current Comedy
-%
-Coito ergo sum
-%
-Coitus interruptus, n.:
-	A jerky movement following the words (by either sex partner)
-	"I want to have your child."
-%
-Coitus is punishment for the happiness of being together.  Live as
-ascetically as possible... that is the only possible way for me to
-endure marriage.  But she?
-		-- Franz Kafka
-%
-Coitus upon a cadaver
-Is the ultimate way you can have 'er.
-	Her inanimate state
-	Means a man needn't wait,
-And eliminates all the palaver.
-%
-Cold, adj.:
-	When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions.
-%
-Cold, adj.:
-	When your dog sticks to the fire hydrant.
-%
-College is like a woman -- you work so hard to get in, and nine months
-later you wish you'd never come.
-%
-Come along and sing a song and join our family.
-B & D
-S & M
-Post to A.S.B.!
-Rope and leather, cuffs and cats, and toys from JTT.
-B & D
-S & M
-Post to A.S.B.!
-A.S.B.!
-	(A.S.B.!)
-A.S.B.!
-	(A.S.B.!)
-Come on now, let's try another tie!
-	(Tie! Tie! Tie!)
-All the kinky folks are here, and some on IRC.
-B & D
-S & M
-Post on A.S.B.!
-		-- To the Mickey Mouse March
-%
-Come on, Virginia, don't make me wait!
-Catholic girls start much too late,
-Ah, but sooner or later, it comes down to fate,
-I might as well be the one.
-Well, they showed you a statue, told you to pray,
-Built you a temple and locked you away,
-Ah, but they never told you the price that you paid,
-The things that you might have done.
-So come on, Virginia, show me a sign,
-Send up a signal, I'll throw you a line,
-That stained glass curtain that you're hiding behind,
-Never lets in the sun.
-Darling, only the good die young!
-		-- Billy Joel, "Only The Good Die Young"
-%
-Come up and see me sometime.  Come Wednesday, that's amateur night.
-		-- Mae West
-%
-COMMENT:
-	A superfluous element of a source program included so the
-	programmer can remember what the hell it was he was doing
-	six months later.  Only the weak-minded need them, according
-	to those who think they aren't.
-%
-Communists do it without class.
-%
-Computer scientists are programmed to do it by macro insertion.
-%
-Computerfirm nymphomaniac, n.:
-	Hot Apple pie.
-%
-Condoms are like listening to a symphony with cotton in your ears.
-%
-Condoms are the feminists' revenge on men for diaphragms.
-		-- Robin Williams
-%
-Confucius say:
-	man who lay girl on hill, not on level.
-	man who pull out too fast leave rubber.
-	man who go to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand.
-	modern house without toilet uncanny.
-	man with athletic finger make broad jump
-	woman should not marry basketball players -- they dribble before
-		they shoot.
-	man who sleep in road wake up with run-down feeling.
-	woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, may get tit bit.
-	child conceived in back seat of car with automatic transmission
-		turn out to be shiftless bastard.
-	a smart man knows on which side his broad is better.
-	man who arrives late to party will find himself beaten to the punch!
-%
-Confucius say:
-	man who screws near graveyard is fucking near dead.
-	man who fishes in other man's well often catch crabs.
-	man and mouse the same, both end up in pussy.
-	boy who play with himself pulls boner.
-	woman who cooks carrots and pees in same pot very unsanitary.
-	man who marry girl with no bust has right to feel low down.
-	man who sleeps with old hen finds it's better than pullet.
-	man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.
-	man who lie under car, get tired
-	man who stand behind car, get exhausted.
-%
-Confucius say:
-	woman who put man in dog house find him in cat house.
-	woman who spring on inner-spring this spring, have off-spring
-		next spring.
-	man who kiss girl's behind, get crack in face.
-	passionate kiss like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.
-	man who kicked in testicles get left holding bag.
-	man who suck nipples make clean breast of things.
-	woman who slide down bannister make monkey shine.
-	woman's virginity like balloon, one prick and all gone.
-	Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best.
-	squirrel who run up woman's leg not find nuts.
-	epileptic woman who give blow-job may bite big one.
-	seven days on honeymoon make one hole weak.
-%
-Confucius say:
-	woman who ride bicycle peddle ass around town.
-	fool man climb tree to get cherries;  wise man spread limbs.
-	woman who fly upside down in airplane have big crack up.
-	man who live in glass house should bathe in the basement.
-	man who make love on ground have piece on Earth.
-	man who lose key to girlfriend's apartment get no new key.
-	man who fights with wife all day, gets not peace at night.
-	man who make oral love to epileptic woman may get tongue-tied.
-	man with head up ass have shitty outlook on life.
-	man who streak unsuited for work.
-	woman who bathe in vinegar have sour puss.
-	man who beat off in car have hot rod.
-%
-CONFUSION:
-	One woman plus one left turn.
-EXCITEMENT:
-	Two women plus one secret.
-BEDLAM:
-	Three women plus one bargain.
-CHAOS:
-	Four women plus one luncheon check.
-%
-Confusion, n.:
-	Father's Day in San Francisco.
-%
-Conservative, n.:
-	One who admires radicals centuries after they're dead.
-		-- Leo C. Rosten
-%
-Conserve energy -- make love more slowly.
-%
-CONSULTANT:
-	Someone who knows 101 ways to make love, but can't get a date.
-%
-Continental breakfast, n.:
-	A roll in bed with some honey.
-%
-Coors, n.:
-	Like making love in a canoe -- fucking close to water.
-%
-Copa-ulation:
-(to the tune of Copacabana)
-
-Her name was Lola, she was a bimbo, with yellow streamers in her hair,
-She wore see-through underwear, she'd go to discos, and do the go-go,
-And while she tried to be star, Tony jacked off on the bar,
-And when the dance was done, his hand was full of come,
-His favorite drink is cream in coffee,
-Won't you order one?
-
-At the Copa, Copa-ulation ...
-
-Her name was Lola, she was a show-girl,
-But that was thirty years ago, when she still could slurp and blow,
-Now she's a sado, but not for Tony, still in her chains and leather gown,
-She ties Rico to the ground, and fucks that boy half-blind,
-But Rico, he don't mind, there are whips and a lot of beatings,
-But a real good time ...
-%
-Cordelia: Does looking at guns make you want to have sex?
-Xander:	  I'm seventeen.  Looking at _L_I_N_O_L_E_U_M makes me want to have sex.
-		-- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Innocence"
-		   Season 2, Episode 14
-%
-Couples in motion have moments.
-%
-Courage, n.:
-	Two cannibals having oral sex.
-%
-Cover your stump before you hump.
-Before you attack her, wrap your wacker.
-Don't be silly... protect your Willie.
-Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.
-If you're not going to sack it, go home and wack it.
-		-- National Condom Week
-%
-Cox's philosophy:
-	Life's a bitch, then you die.
-%
-Coyote love, n.:
-	Coyote love is a nebulous term.  Basically, what it involves is
-	the taking of a member of the preferred sex home from a singles
-	bar.  Then, when you wake up the next morning, they're sleeping
-	on your arm.  So, rather than wake them up as you escape, you
-	chew off your arm at the shoulder.
-
-Coyote ugly, adj.:
-	When you chew off the other arm 'cause she'll be looking for
-	a one-armed man!
-
-See also proof that average instantaneous beauty increases monotonically
-as alcohol consumption increases and time, t, approaches last call.
-%
-"Creation science" has not entered the curriculum for a reason so simple
-and so basic that we often forget to mention it: because it is false, and
-because good teachers understand exactly why it is false.  What could be
-more destructive of that most fragile yet most precious commodity in our
-entire intellectual heritage -- good teaching -- than a bill forcing
-honorable teachers to sully their sacred trust by granting equal treatment
-to a doctrine not only known to be false, but calculated to undermine any
-general understanding of science as an enterprise?
-		-- Stephen Jay Gould, "The Skeptical Inquirer"
-%
-Crew, n.:
-	Eight big men and their cute little cox.
-%
-Cried Miss Pratt: "What are you staring at?
-I know - you don't have to say that!
-	All you guys want of me
-	Is a poke where I pee,
-And it's pounding my ass mighty flat!"
-%
-Crinklaw's Observation:
-	Nowadays the order of life is reversed: Sex is first enjoyed,
-	marriage follows, and after marriage comes abstinence.
-%
-Cum Hilde autem ambulabat
-Homo qui aedificabat.
-	Dixit volebat.  Debet et potebat.
-	Sic ille ducebat.  Statim faciebat.
-Sed virginem pine necebat.
-%
-Cunnilingus is next to cleanliness.
-%
-Cunnilingus is next to godliness.
-%
-Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought her back.
-%
-Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer true,
-Daisy, Daisy, wouldn't you like to screw?
-I really must beg your pardon,
-But I've got a hell of a hard-on,
-From beating my meat, against the seat,
-Of a bicycle built for two.
-		-- "Daisy, Daisy", "The Dirty Song Book"
-%
-Dallas still lives.  God MUST be dead.
-%
-Dame Catherine of Ashton-on-Lynches
-Got on with her grooms and her wenches:
-	She went down on the gents,
-	And pronged the girl's vents
-With a clitoris reaching six inches.
-%
-Dames lie about anything -- just for practice.
-		-- Raymond Chandler
-%
-Dammit, how many times do I have to tell you?  _F_I_R_S_T you rape,
-_T_H_E_N you pillage!!
-%
-Damned if I know.  And you can be fuckin' sure I'll never rent no car
-from Avis again.
-		-- Herbie Sperling, on the meaning of two pistols and an
-		   axe used in three murders being found in the trunk of
-		   his rented car.
-%
-Dance is the vertical expression of a horizontal intention.
-%
-date; talk; touch; unzip; finger; expand; strip; head; mount; yes; yes; yes;
-eject; more; sleep
-%
-Dave has an aeroplane,
-In which he likes to frisk.
-Oh what a foolish boy,
-His silly *.
-%
-David was just a shepherd who liked to get his rocks off in leather.
-%
-De Hispanice puella verumque
-Simplex oris verborumque
-	Tulit potens vagina
-	Hominum agmina
-Iterum iterum iterumque.
-%
-Dear Abby:
-	I have two brothers.  One was sent to the electric chair when I was
-a child.  My mother died in an insane asylum.  My father is a pimp and my
-sister is a very successful and highly paid prostitute.  My other brother
-is a graduate student attending Purdue University.
-	Recently I met a wonderful girl who has just been released from prison
-for murdering her illegitimate child with a Zip-loc sandwich bag.  We're very
-much in love and want to be married after her venereal disease is cured.
-	My problem is this: should I tell her about my brother at Purdue?
-
-		Sincerely,
-		Undecided.
-%
-Dear Abby:
-	I just met the most terrific girl and we get along fabulously.  I
-think she's the one for me.  There's just one problem: I can't remember
-from our first date if she told me she had TB or VD.  What should I do?
-			-- Confused
-
-Dear Confused:
-	If she coughs, fuck her.
-%
-Dear Ann Landers:
-	I have a problem.  I have two brothers; one works for the Illinois
-Bell Telephone Company, the other brother was just sentenced to death
-in the electric chair for murder.  My mother died from insanity when
-I was three years old.  My two sisters are prostitutes and my father
-sells narcotics.
-	I recently met girl who was just released from a reformatory where
-she served time for smothering her illegitimate child to death.  I love
-this girl and want to marry her.  My problem is this -- dare I tell her
-about my brother who works for Illinois Bell?
-		-- Confused
-%
-Dear Ann Landers:
-	My husband watches the TV preachers every Sunday.  He claims
-one minister said there are 350 different sins.  My husband wants to
-know if you can get the list.  He thinks he is missing something.
-		-- E.J. Mayfield
-%
-Dear Lord, observe this bended knee
-This visage meek and humble,
-And hear this confidential plea
-Voiced in reverent mumble:
-	Give me Shylock, give me Fagin
-	But O God spare me Ronald Reagan!
-		-- Ansel Adams
-%
-Dear Miss Manners:
-Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from your face.
-
-Gentle Reader:
-Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on your face.
-If the gentleman sprayed you inadvertently to accompany enthusiastic
-discourse, you may step back two paces, bring out your handkerchief,
-and go through the motions of wiping your nose, while trailing the cloth
-along your face to pick up whatever needs mopping along the route.  If,
-however, the substance was acquired as a result of enthusiasm of a more
-intimate nature, you may delicately retrieve it with a flick of your
-pink tongue.
-%
-Dear Mr. Seldes:  I cannot remember the exact wording of the statement
-to which you allude; but what I meant was that ... a man who calls
-himself a 100% American and is proud of it, is generally 150% an idiot
-politically.  But the designations may be good business for war
-veterans.  Having bled for their country in 1861 and 1918, they have
-bled it all they could consequently.  And why not?
-		-- George Seldes, "The Great Quotations"
-%
-Democracy can learn some things from Communism: for example, when a
-Communist politician is through, he is through.
-%
-Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for
-the people.
-		-- Oscar Wilde
-%
-Demonstrating once again the importance of the lowly comma, this
-telegram was sent from a wife to her husband:
-	"NOT GETTING ANY, BETTER COME HOME AT ONCE."
-%
-Desperate because her husband hadn't made love to her in months, a lonely
-housewife finally mustered her courage and went to their doctor for advice.
-The doctor was very sympathetic and wrote out a prescription for pills that
-were guaranteed to rekindle the husband's ardor in a big way.  "They'll make
-him horny as hell," the doctor confided, "but they're very potent, so just
-put one in whatever he's drinking."
-	Upon arriving home, the woman left the pills on the kitchen counter
-and dashed off to the supermarket.  It didn't take long before the cat jumped
-up, knocked them over onto the floor, and ate a couple, as did the family
-dog.  And when the husband got home with a headache, he took a few thinking
-they were aspirin.
-	When the housewife returned, she was horrified to see the dog humping
-the cat and the cat jumping all over the dog, but even stranger was the sight
-of her husband with his penis inside the pencil sharpener on the counter.
-"What in heaven's name are you doing, John?" she cried.
-	"See that mosquito?" he replied.
-%
-Dial 911.  Make a cop come.
-%
-Diaphragm, n.:
-	A childproof cap.
-%
-Dicker, v.:
-	What you do to your wife if arguing doesn't work.
-%
-Did Detroit invent the back seat to destroy the morals of America?
-		-- Ed Sanders
-%
-Did you hear about...
-	the butcher who dropped his cleaver and went home half-cocked?
-%
-Did you hear about...
-	the plastic surgeon who hung himself?
-%
-Did you hear about the nearsighted fetishist who got off on the wrong foot?
-%
-Did you hear about the new German microwave oven?
-		... Seats 500.
-%
-Did you hear about the new sorority girl doll?
-You put a ring on her finger and her hips expand.
-%
-Did you hear about young Henry Lockett?
-He was blown down the street by a rocket.
-	The force of the blast
-	Blew his balls up his ass,
-And his pecker was found in his pocket.
-%
-Did you hear they canceled Easter this year?
-Found the body.
-%
-Did you know that some people your age have sex
-thirty-seven times in a week?  And die immediately after?
-%
-Did you know that Spiro Agnew is an anagram of "Grow a Penis"?
-%
-Did you know that there are 71.9 acres of nipple tissue in the U.S.?
-%
-Dig it, first they killed those pigs, then they ate dinner in the same
-room with them, then they even shoved a fork in a victim's stomach.  Wild!
-		-- Bernadine Dohrn, on the Manson killings
-%
-Disclaimer of the Week:
-	Any Society Which Requires Disclaimers Has Too Many Goddamn Lawyers.
-%
-Disillusioned words like bullets bark,
-As human gods aim for their mark,
-Make everything from toy guns that spark
-To flesh-colored christs that glow in the dark.
-It's easy to see without looking too far
-That not much is really sacred.
-%
-Distributed Systems people do it loosely coupled.
-%
-[District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there are
-two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity:
-
-(1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and
-    confiscate 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a pile and hold
-    a press conference where you announce that they have a street value
-    of $850 million.  These raids never fail, because ALL high schools,
-    including brand-new, never-used ones, have at least 53 marijuana
-    cigarettes in the lockers.  As far as anyone can tell, the locker
-    factory puts them there.
-(2) Raid an "adult book store" and hold a press conference where you
-    announce you are charging the owner with 850 counts of being a
-    piece of human sleaze.  This also never fails, because you always
-    get a conviction.  A juror at a pornography trial is not about to
-    state for the record that he finds nothing obscene about a movie
-    where actors engage in sexual activities with live snakes and a
-    fire extinguisher.  He is going to convict the bookstore owner, and
-    vote for the death penalty just to make sure nobody gets the wrong
-    impression.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
-%
-DIVE!!!  DIVE!!!  DIVE!!!
-UP PERISCOPE!!!
-
-(Ooops, sorry, wrong fantasy.)
-%
-Divorce, n.:
-	A change of wife.
-%
-Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
-%
-Do married women make the best wives?
-%
-Do not permit a woman to ask forgiveness, for that is only the first
-step.  The second is justification of herself by accusation of you.
-		-- DeGourmont
-%
-Do not rejoice in his defeat, you men,
-For though the world stood up
-And stopped the bastard,
-The bitch that bore him is in heat again.
-		-- Bertolt Brecht
-%
-Do something big -- fuck a giant
-%
-Do you smoke after sex?
-Why, do you know, I've never looked!
-%
-Doctors take two aspirin and do it in the morning.
-%
-Documentation is like sex:  when it is good, it is very,
-very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing.
-		-- Dick Brandon
-%
-Does he treat your breasts like unripe grapefruit?  Who needs him?
-		-- J, "The Sensuous Woman"
-%
-Does it rape elephants?
-		-- Brent Byer
-%
-Doing business with the government is like fucking sheep.
-It's easy, but it's not very satisfying.
-%
-Don't accept rides from strange men -- and remember that all men
-are strange as hell.
-		-- Robin Morgan, "Sisterhood Is Powerful"
-%
-Don't dip your wick in a WAC,
-Don't ride the breast of a WAVE,
-	Just sit in the sand
-	And do it by hand,
-And buy bonds with the money you save.
-%
-Don't forget to support the ERA apersonment.
-%
-Don't get the idea that I'm one of those goddamn radicals.  Don't get the
-idea that I'm knocking the American system.
-		-- Al Capone
-%
-Don't knock masturbation -- it's sex with someone I love.
-		-- Woody Allen
-%
-Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash.
-		-- Bo Diddley
-%
-Don't look now -- your office mate is a pederast!!!
-%
-Don't look now, but your mother is having sex with a horse.
-%
-Don't see 'em this big out here, do they?
-		-- Lyndon B. Johnson, exposing himself to reporters
-		   in a public toilet during a tour of the Far East
-%
-Dope will get you through times of no money better that money will get
-you through times of no dope.
-		-- Freewheelin' Franklin, "The Fabulous Furry Freak
-		   Brothers" by Gilbert Shelton
-%
-Down by the old model T,
-Where she first showed it to me.
-	It was furry and black,
-	And she called it a crack,
-But it looked like a manhole to me.
-%
-Draft beer, not people
-%
-Dry fucking: that's man on top of woman, the action is the same as fucking,
-but you're dressed.  It's great for the girl... you're hitting and rubbing
-exactly the area that you ought to be... I still like that.
-		-- Grace Slick
-%
-Due to a mixup in urology, orange juice will not be served this morning.
-%
-Dull women have immaculate homes.
-%
-DuPont, I.G., Monsanto, and Shell
-Built a world-circling pussy cartel,
-	And by planned obsolescence,
-	So controlled detumescence,
-A poor man could not get a smell.
-%
-During the darkest days of World War II, when each night brought waves of
-Luftwaffe bombers raining death and destruction on a near-defenseless London,
-Prime Minister Churchill went on the air to address the British people.  "I
-read this morning's paper that Herr Hitler plans to wring England's neck like
-that of a chicken," he began, "and I was reminded of what the Irish poacher
-said as he stood on the gallows.  It seems the poor fellow was approached by a
-well-meaning if somewhat overzealous priest who, in horrific detail, described
-the unfading torments of Hades which awaited him if he did not repent of his
-misdeeds. The condemned man listened patiently to all that the priest had to
-say, and when he was done, grinned broadly and replied, 'Eat it raw, fuzz
-nuts.'"
-		-- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
-%
-Dyke, n.:
-	A woman who kick-starts her vibrator.  And rolls her own
-	tampons.
-%
-Dyslexia means never having to say that you're ysror.
-%
-Dyslexics have more fnu.
-%
-DYSLEXICS OF THE WORLD, UNTIE!
-%
-Early to bed and early to rise makes a man a helluva big nuisance.
-%
-Eat prune yogurt for that "get up and go" feeling.
-%
-Eat shit and die a virgin!
-%
-Eat the rich -- the poor are tough and stringy.
-%
-Economists are still trying to figure out why the
-girls with the least principle draw the most interest.
-%
-EE's do it without shorts.
-%
-Eighteen goddess-like daughters are not equal to one son with a hump.
-		-- Chinese Proverb
-%
-Eighty percent of married men cheat in America.  The rest cheat in Europe.
-		-- Jackie Mason
-%
-Eisenhower was very nice,
-Nixon was his only vice.
-		-- C. Degen
-%
-Eleven reasons a cucumber is better than a man:
-	(1)  Cucumbers can stay up all night, and you won't have to
-	     sleep in the wet spot.
-	(2)  Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find
-	     themselves.
-	(3)  You won't find out later that your cucumber (a) is
-	     married, (b) is on penicillin, (c) likes you -- but loves
-	     your brother!
-	(4)  A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is.
-	(5)  A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are
-	     wet.
-	(6)  Cucumbers don't say "Let's keep trying until we have a
-	     boy".
-	(7)  Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count.
-	(8)  A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun.
-	(9)  Cucumbers don't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the
-	     pillow.
-	(10) Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do.
-	(11) With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you
-	     left it.
-%
-Embarrassment, n.:
-	Finding out your German Shepherd has the clap.
-%
-Equality is not when a female Einstein gets promoted to assistant
-professor; equality is when a female schlemiel moves ahead as fast as a
-male schlemiel.
-		-- Ewald Nyquist
-%
-Erogenous zone, n.:
-	The skin you touch to love.
-%
-Es giebt ein Arbeiter von Tinz,
-Er schlaft mit ein Madel von Linz.
-	Sie sagt, "Halt sein' plummen,
-	Ich hore Mann kommen."
-"Jacht, jacht," sagt der Plummer, "Ich binz."
-%
-Eternity, n.:
-	The length of time between when you come and he leaves.
-%
-Ethnologists up with the Sioux
-Wired home for two punts, one canoe.
-	The answer next day,
-	Said, "Girls on the way,
-But what the hell's a `panoe'?"
-%
-Evangelists do it with Him watching.
-%
-Even bytes get lonely for a little bit.
-%
-Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling
-just a bit unchivalrous ...
-		-- Robert Benchley
-%
-Evening hours "all clear" for romance!
-(Tell mate you have to work late.)
-%
-Ever notice that the women who are against abortion are the ones you
-wouldn't want to fuck in the first place?
-		-- George Carlin
-%
-Ever wondered why you always run out of breath when you throw up?
-Ah, but a man's retch should exceed his gasp, else what's a heaving for?
-%
-Every harlot was a virgin once.
-		-- William Blake
-%
-Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels start
-closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and then drive
-like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the music at top volume
-and at least a pint of ether.
-		-- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
-%
-Every single person down there is ignoring your pain because they're too
-busy with their own.
-		-- Buffy, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Earshot"
-		   Season 3, Episode 18
-%
-Every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten.
-
-Please, think of the kittens.
-%
-Everyone:	"Australia, Australia, Australia, Australia, we love you,
-		Amen!"
-Bruce:		"Another two!  (Bottles opening.)  Any questions?"
-Bruce:		"New-Bruce, are you a Poofter?"
-Bruce:		"Are you a Poofter?"
-New-Bruce:	"No!"
-Bruce:		"No.  Right, I just want to remind you of the faculty rules:
-	Rule One!"
-Everyone:	"NO POOFTERS!"
-Bruce:		"Rule Two, no member of the faculty is to maltreat the Abbos
-	in any way at all -- if there's anybody watching.  Rule Three?"
-Everyone:	"NO POOFTERS!"
-Bruce:		"Rule Four, now this term, I don't want to catch anybody not
-	drinking.  Rule Five..."
-Everyone:	"NO POOFTERS!"
-Bruce:		"Rule Six, there is NO... Rule Six.  Rule Seven..."
-Everyone:	"NO POOFTERS!"
-Bruce:		"Right, that concludes the readin' of the rules, Bruce.  This
-	here's the wattle, the emblem of our land. You can stick it in a
-	bottle, you can hold it in your hand.  Amen!
-		-- Monty Python
-%
-Everyone has the right, without exception, to equal pay for equal work.
-Except for women.
-%
-Everyone in the office is welcome to join the group going to the Columbus
-Theater tonight.  Meet in the lobby at 8:30.  The films are "Blue Jennifer"
-and "Hot Coed Cheerleaders".
-%
-Everyone *knows* cats are on a higher level of existence.  These silly humans
-are just to big-headed to admit their inferiority.
-	Just think what a nicer world this would be if it were controlled by
-cats.
-	You wouldn't see cats having waste disposal problems.
-	They're neat.
-	They don't have sexual hangups.  A cat gets horny, it does something
-about it.
-	They keep reasonable hours.  You *never* see a cat up before noon.
-	They know how to relax.  Ever heard of a cat with an ulcer?
-	What are the chances of a cat starting a nuclear war?  Pretty negligible.
-It's not that they can't, they just know that there are much better things to
-do with ones time.  Like lie in the sun and sleep.  Or go exploring the world.
-%
-Except for 75% of the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have sex.
-		-- Ellyn Mustard
-%
-Exotic dancer, n.:
-	A girl who brings home the bacon a strip at a time.
-%
-Exuberant Sue from Anjou
-Found that fucking affected her hue.
-	She presented to sight
-	Nipples pink, bottom white;
-But her asshole was purple and blue.
-%
-Faith:	Tell me you don't get off on this!
-Buffy:	It didn't suck.
-		-- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Bad Girls"
-		   Season 3, Episode 14
-%
-Falsie salesman, n.:
-	Fuller bust man.
-%
-Famous last words:
-	1: Everything that you'll need to know is in the manual.
-	2: You and what army?
-	3: Don't worry, I can handle it.
-	4: If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't
-		be a cop.
-	5: I don't see how they make a profit
-		out of this stuff at a dollar and a quarter a fifth.
-	6: We're just getting into semantics again.
-	7: Everything's under control.
-	8: He's an asshole!  Don't try to "shush" me!
-%
-Fat dirty farts came spluttering out of your backside.  You had an arse full
-of farts that night, darling, and I fucked them out of you, big fat fellows,
-long windy ones, quick little merry cracks...
-		-- James Joyce
-%
-Fed some caviar to my girlfriend
-She was a virgin tried and true
-Now my girlfriend needs no urgin'
-There ain't nothin' she won't do!
-	Caviar comes from a Virgin Sturgeon -
-	Virgin Sturgeon's a very fine fish.
-	Virgin Sturgeon needs no urgin'
-	That's why caviar is my dish!
-
-Fed some caviar to my Grandpa
-He was a man of ninety-three
-Shrieks and screams were heard from Grandma
-He had chased her up a tree!
-	(chorus)
-%
-Felt tip, v.:
-	Past tense for a breast examination!
-%
-Female ballet dancers are the bravest girls around.  Who else would take a
-flying leap into the arms of a homosexual and expect to be caught?
-		-- Rita Rudner
-%
-Female, n.:
-	Life support system for a pussy.
-%
-Feminism, n.:
-	A political position which seeks to rebuild society so that
-	both men and women are treated as women wish to be treated.
-%
-Feminists just want the human race to be a tie.
-%
-Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of
-women.  They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their
-handbags are full.
-		-- Earl Wilson
-%
-Fie for shame, you lascivious, lewd, lecherous, libidinous, lustful,
-licentious, dirty bum!!
-%
-Fig Newton.
-%
-Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
-%
-Filth and old age, I'm sure you will agree,
-Are powerful wardens upon chastity.
-		-- Geoffrey Chaucer
-%
-Finally, a reporter got a chance to interview Tarzan.
-
-Reporter: Tarzan?  Is that your first or last name?
-Tarzan:   Tarzan first name.
-Reporter: Then, what's your whole name?
-Tarzan:   Tarzan of the Apes.
-Reporter: And who is the woman with you?
-Tarzan:   That Jane.
-Reporter: And what's Jane's whole name?
-Tarzan:   Cunt.
-%
-First you get down on your knees,	Get in line in that processional,
-Fiddle with your rosaries,		Step into that small confessional,
-Bow your head with great respect,	There the guy who's got religion'll
-And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect!	Tell you if your sins' original.
-Do whatever steps you want if		If it is, try playin' it safer,
-You have cleared them with the Pontiff,	Drink the wine and chew the wafer,
-Ev'rybody say his own			Two, four, six eight,
-Kyrie eleison,				Time to transubstantiate!
-Doin' the Vatican Rag.
-
-So get down upon your knees,		Make a cross on your abdomen,
-Fiddle with your rosaries,		When in Rome do like a Roman,
-Bow your head with great respect,	Ave Maria,
-And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect!	Gee, it's good to see ya,
-	Gettin' ecstatic an' sorta dramatic an' Doin' the Vatican Rag!
-		-- Tom Lehrer, "The Vatican Rag"
-%
-Five-foot nine, eyes that shine
-He was born in Palestine
-Has anybody seen my Lord?
-
-He's so cool, he's so fine
-Eat his bread and drink his wine
-Has anybody seen my Lord?
-
-He's so neat, he's so cool,
-Walks across my swimming pool.
-Has anybody...
-%
-Flirt, n.:
-	A girl whose favorite man is the next one.
-%
-Floating idly one day through the air,
-A circus performer named Blair,
-	Tied a sizeable rock,
-	To the end of his cock,
-And shattered a balcony chair.
-%
-Floppy now, hard later.
-%
-Folks, what can I tell you about my next guest.  This cat allowed himself
-to be adored, but not loved. And his success in show business was matched
-by failure in his personal relationship bag, now that's where he really
-bombed.  And he came to believe that work, show business, love, his whole
-life, even himself and all that jazz was bullshit.  He became numero uno
-gameplayer.  Uh, to the point where he didn't know where the games ended
-and the reality began.  Like to this cat, the only reality... is death, man.
-Ladies and gentlemen, let me lay on you, a so-so entertainer, not much of
-a humanitarian, and this cat was never nobody's friend.  In his final
-appearance on the great stage of life, uh, you can applaud if you want to,
-Mr. Joe Gideon!!
-		-- All That Jazz
-%
-Fond of equestrians, Mabel
-Looked for true love in the stable.
-	But she found the studs,
-	For her were all duds,
-Now she's out with the leg of a table.
-%
-For a good time, call 632-9485.  Ask for Michael.
-%
-For a house-to-house salesman named Moore,
-Getting housewives' attention's no chore:
-	He's endowed with a dong
-	That is 12 inches long,
-So he wedges his foot in the door.
-%
-For a thousand years I wielded the powers of the wish.  I brought ruin
-to the heads of unfaithful men.  I brought forth destruction and chaos
-for the pleasure of the lower beings.  I was feared and worshiped across
-the mortal globe.  And now I'm stuck at Sunnydale High.  A mortal.
-A child ...  and I'm flunking math.
-		-- Anya, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Doppelgangland"
-		   Season 3, Episode 16
-%
-For a young man, not yet: for an old man, never at all.
-		-- Diogenes, asked when a man should marry
-
-When should a man marry?  A young man, not yet; an elder man, not at all.
-		-- Sir Francis Bacon, "Of Marriage and Single Life"
-%
-For children, a woman.
-For pleasure, a boy.
-For sheer ecstasy, a melon.
-%
-For her first week's salary the gorgeous new secretary was given an
-exquisite nightgown of imported lace.  The next week her salary was
-raised!
-%
-For months the loving newlywed had asked his blushing bride to perform oral
-sex on him, but to no avail.  His sweet entreaties never worked, for she was
-simply too innocent and inexperienced to even *think* of such a thing, let
-alone attempt it.  But a year of gentle persistence finally paid off, and
-one night his darling nervously but lovingly performed the act.  When it was
-over, she looked deeply into his eyes, blushed, and asked, "How was I,
-sweetheart?"
-	He looked at her and replied, "How should I know -- I'm no
-cocksucker!"
-%
-For the sores on his prick he used Dial.
-That failed; he gave Lava a trial.
-	But the one remedy
-	For contagious V.D.
-Is the wonder drug sulfa-denial.
-%
-"For the tenth time, dull Daphnis," said Chloe,
-"You have told me my bosom is snowy;
-	You have made much fine verse on
-	Each part of my person,
-Now do something -- there's a good boy!"
-%
-For those of you how have been looking for evidence that a working
-version of "Star Wars" can be built, consider the following proof
-offered by Caspar Weinberger:
-
-	"If such a system is so unattainable, why have the Soviets been
-	working desperately to get it for over 17 years?"
-
-		-- USA Today, 24 June 1986
-%
-Fornication, n.:
-	Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with.
-%
-FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:	#15
-
-Sex:
-	Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay.  Men prefer 30-40 seconds of
-foreplay.  Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.
-
-Maturity:
-	Women mature much faster than men.  Most 17-year-old females can
-function as adults.  Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards
-and giving each other wedgies after gym class.  This is why high school
-romances rarely work out.
-
-Handwriting:
-	To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship.  They just
-chicken-scratch.  Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their
-"i's" with circles and hearts.  Women use ridiculously large loops in their
-"p's" and "g's".  It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman.  Even
-when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
-%
-FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:	#18
-
-Sexual frequency:
-	The average man would prefer having sex every evening, or every
-morning, or maybe both if he's under 25.  The average woman would like to
-have sex non-stop all weekend, once a month.
-
-Shopping:
-	It's no coincidence that L.L. Bean, Sears, and Roebuck were all men.
-Men don't like to shop.  If a man can't foist the job off on some woman, he
-will grit his teeth and plan the outing as he would a jungle expedition.
-He wants a map of the store showing where he has to go to get item X in
-color Y in the correct size, which he doesn't know.  Even then it takes him
-half an hour to get there from the entrance.  When he's finally accomplished
-his mission, he'll discover that he forgot his checkbook.  Women shop to
-relax.
-%
-Fortune Personals:
-	SWBiM, 29.  Gr/Fr/Mild English.  Have
-	own moose, hoop.  Sincere inquiries
-	only.  Discreet.  Fortune P.O. Box 1910.
-%
-Fortune presents:
-	USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #3.
-
-Kie estas la plej proksima masa^gejo?	Where's the nearest massage parlor?
-Vi dolorigas min.			You're hurting me.
-Mi deziras viziti usonan kuraciston.	I want to see an American doctor.
-Mi deziras a^ceti kontraugraveda^jojn.	I would like to buy some
-						contraceptives.
-^Cu tiu estis ankau bona por ci?	Was it good for you too?
-%
-Fortune presents:
-	USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #4.
-Mia ^svebo^sipo estas plena je angiloj.	My hovercraft is full of eels.
-Neniu anticipas la hispanan		No one expects the Spanish
-	Inkvizicion.				Inquisition.
-La solvo estas kvardekdu.		The answer is forty-two.
-Adiau, kaj dankoj por ^ciom da fi^so.	So long, and thanks for all the fish.
-^Cu estas krajono en via po^so, au ^cu	Is that a pencil in your pocket,
-	vi feli^cas pri vidi min?		or are you happy to see me?
-%
-Fortune suggests uses for YOUR favorite UNIX commands!
-
-Try:
-	[Where is Jimmy Hoffa?			(C shell)
-	^How did the^sex change operation go?	(C shell)
-	"How would you rate BSD vs. System V?
-	%blow					(C shell)
-	'thou shalt not mow thy grass at 8am'	(C shell)
-	got a light?				(C shell)
-	!!:Say, what do you think of margarine?	(C shell)
-	PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense	(Bourne shell)
-	make love
-	make "the perfect dry martini"
-	man -kisses dog				(anything up to 4.3BSD)
-	i=Hoffa ; >$i; $i; rm $i; rm $i		(Bourne shell)
-%
-FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #3
-
-You have prepared a proposal for your supervisor.  The success of this
-proposal will mean increasing your salary 20%.  In the middle of your
-proposal your supervisor leans over to look at your report and spits into
-your coffee.  You:
-
-	(a)  Tell him you take your coffee black.
-	(b)  Ask him if he has any communicable diseases.
-	(c)  Show him who's in command; promptly take a piss in his
-		"In" basket.
-	(d)  Take a sip and comment how much better it tastes.
-%
-FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #5
-
-You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January and
-tell your boss that nobody but ladies of the evening and football players
-live there.  He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay.  You:
-
-	(a)  Pretend you are suffering from amnesia and don't
-		remember your name.
-	(b)  Ask what position she played.
-	(c)  Ask if she is still working the streets.
-	(d)  Pull lacy underwear from your raincoat pocket and ask
-		if he recognizes the label.
-%
-FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #6
-
-You are having lunch with a prospective vendor talking about what could be
-your best deal of the year.  During the conversation a blonde walks into
-the restaurant and she is so stunning you draw your companion's attention
-to her and give a vivid description of what you would do if you had her alone
-in your hotel.  She walks over to your table and the vendor introduces her as
-his daughter.  Your next move is to:
-
-	(a)  Ask for her hand in marriage.
-	(b)  Pass out and hope for sympathy.
-	(c)  Forget the business; repeat the conversation to the
-		daughter and get her number.
-	(d)  Turn red and slink off into the men's room.
-%
-FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #9
-
-You are making a sales presentation to a group of corporate executives
-in the plushest office you've ever seen.  The enchilada casserole and
-egg salad sandwich you had for lunch react, creating severe pressure.
-Your sphincter loses control and you break wind, causing the glass
-bookcase doors to shatter and a secretary to pass out.  You:
-
-	(a) Offer to come back next week when the smell has gone away.
-	(b) Point to the Chief Executive and accuse him of the offense.
-	(c) Challenge anyone in the room to do better.
-%
-Fortune understands that the vote on a bill to legalize bisexuality
-could go either way.
-%
-Fortune's Guide to Movies:
-G:   No girl.
-PG:  The hero gets the girl.
-R:   The bad guy gets the girl, then the good guy gets the girl.
-X:   The hero still gets the girl in the end, but he's never sure
-	which end it will be.
-XXX: Everybody gets the girl.
-%
-Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #25:
-
-Q:  You say you had three men punching at you, kicking you, raping you,
-    and you didn't scream?
-A:  No ma'am.
-Q:  Does that mean you consented?
-A:  No, ma'am.  That means I was unconscious.
-%
-Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars: #1
-
-	Any attempt to say that someone's personal beliefs are wrong, even if
-you supply conclusive evidence to support your claim, is an outright attack.
-If you show someone a flaw in his/her logic, they have every right to punch
-you in the face.  Mathematical proofs of errors are the moral equivalent
-of rape and should be avoided at all cost.
-	Now... your opponent has requested a "rational discussion".  What do
-you do?  Well, remember that people are normally willing to discuss things
-rationally if and only if you agree with them; anything less would obviously
-not be rational.  Therefore, agree immediately, and continue as before.
-	Always assume that whenever you see someone making a statement about
-"certain parties who shall remain nameless", "some people", "assholes", etc.,
-they are talking about *you*.  It is also correct to assume that words you
-don't understand, such as "prestidigatory", "lapidarian", and "buprestid",
-are direct personal attacks aimed at your loved ones and merit an equally
-scathing response.  Failure to do this results in many lost opportunities for
-rational discussion.  (See above.)
-%
-Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars: #3
-
-The proper time for a vicious ad hominem attack is when you have no logical
-recourse.  If you have been arguing a point with a person or persons for
-30 odd weeks, and a memo comes across that logically tears down the
-final shred of evidence that you thought you had, that is the time to call
-the author of that memo:
-	1: a mindless twit who attacks other people's beliefs for no reason.
-	2: an egotistical flaming typical wombat aggie melon-humping
-	   cheese-whizzing nanosexual subuseless clamsucker whose memos
-	   are apparently sneezed onto his/her terminal.
-	3: something unpleasant.
-The OTHER proper time for an ad hominem attack is immediately after someone
-has posted something you don't understand.  Given the current state of modern
-electronic communications technology your inability to comprehend the meaning
-of a memo constitutes a violation of western moral tradition on the part of
-the author of that memo, and the author should be taken to task publicly via
-a series of really nasty, name-calling oriented memos.
-%
-FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #5
-
-	Don't wear your spurs while making love in a waterbed.
-%
-FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #8
-
-	Don't wear your high heels while making love on the pool table.
-%
-Four men had been playing golf together for twenty years.  After their usual
-Saturday game one week, one of the men joined the other three for a post-game
-shower for the first time.  His friends were surprised - "For twenty years",
-one of them says, "you haven't showered after our game, you've just waited for
-us in the clubhouse.  Why the sudden change?"
-	"Well", replies their friend, "I was born with a fairly unusual
-medical condition.  I had both a penis and a vagina.  Last month I finally
-decided to have the vagina removed."
-	The other three men look at him in disbelief and disgust.  "You
-mean," snaps one of them, "you could have played from the women's tee all
-these years?"
-%
-France is a country where the money falls apart and you can't tear
-the toilet paper.
-		-- Billy Wilder
-%
-From the outset, the blind date was a fiasco and it was intensified by the
-fact that the fellow was too insensitive and ego-ridden to realize it.  The
-moment of truth came in the supper club as he clutched the girl's thigh and
-whispered,
-	"Baby, how's about our cutting out to my pad so I can slip you nine
-inches?"
-There was a moment of silence, and then the girl said,
-	"You know, I really don't think you could get it up three times
-in a row!"
-%
-Fuck art; let's dance!
-%
-Fuck off and die!
-%
-Fuck you and anybody who looks like you.
-%
-Fuck'em if they can't take a joke!
-%
-Fucking is a filthy deed. -- I like it.
-It satisfies a normal need. -- I like it.
-	It makes you sick, it makes you well,
-	It turns your spine to fucking jell,
-It damns your soul to Eternal Hell! -- I like it.
-%
-Fuck-me pumps, n.:
-	Stiletto heels of a certain length, usually black patent leather.
-The proper designation is "throw-me-down-and-fuck-me" pumps.  Shoes with
-heels just high enough to let the frayed tip of a bullwhip trail around
-them properly.
-%
-Fuckoff, n.:
-	The tie breaker at the Miss America Beauty Pageant.
-%
-Gardeners do it in raised beds.
-%
-GARTER:
-	An elastic band intended to keep a woman
-	from coming out of her stockings and desolating the country.
-%
-Gary Hart's biggest mistake was not getting Teddy Kennedy to drive
-Donna Rice home.
-%
-GAY:
-	One who'd rather swish than fight.
-%
-GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
-	You are a quick and intelligent thinker.  People like you because
-you are bisexual.  However, you are inclined to expect too much for too
-little.  This means you are cheap.  Geminis are known for committing incest.
-%
-Gentlemen prefer blondes, but who says blondes prefer gentlemen?
-		-- Mae West
-%
-Geometry teaches us to bisex angels.
-%
-George, after tying on a whopper the night before, woke up in the morning to
-find a pathetically unattractive woman sleeping blissfully beside him.  He
-leaped out of bed, dressed quickly, and furtively placed $100 on top of the
-bureau.  He then started to tiptoe out of the room.  But, as he passed the
-foot of the bed, he felt a tug at his trouser leg.  Glancing down, he saw
-another female even homelier than the one he'd left in bed.  She gazed up
-at him soulfully, and asked, "Nothing for the bridesmaid?"
-%
-George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but
-he also admitted doing it.  Now, do you know why his father didn't
-punish him?  Because George still had the axe in his hand.
-%
-GEORGIA:
-	Where kinky sex means getting laid.
-%
-"Get a load of that chick!"	"Dude -- you gotta ask her out."
-"Weellll, I dunno..."		"Look.  The worst she can say, is 'No'!"
-"Hey!  You're right!"		"I'm always right!"
-"The worst she can say... is 'No'!"
-
-"Idunnoifyou'vebeennoticingmebutI'vebeennoticingyouandIwaswonderingif
-you'd like to go out with me!"
-
-Oh my god you little Geek!
-Get away before I freak!		You ugly, stupid, zitfaced scum,
-I'm a babe and you are not.		You asked me out; you MUST be dumb.
-You can't handle what I've got!		Well you can beg until you're blue,
-I'm too hot, too hot for you..		But you're not even fit to lick my shoe.
-					I'm too hot, too hot for you.
-Ha ha ha!  Don't make me laugh!
-I want a whole man, not a half.		I've got a bitchin' bod and a killer
-You wet your pants, I'm so sure.		face,
-Too bad wimp-itis has no cure.		I'm god's gift to the male race.
-I'm too hot, too hot for you.		I'm the queen of babes supreme,
-					But you'll only see me in you dreams.
-"Well?  What'd she say??"		I'm too hot, too hot for you.
-"Well, she didn't say no..."
-		-- Barry and the Bookbinders, "The Worst She Can Say is No"
-%
-GET OFF THE FUCKING SYSTEM THIS INSTANT, YOU ASSHOLE!!!!
-%
-Get your bytes from our backend!
-		-- Britton Lee
-%
-Getting an education at the University of California is like having
-$50.00 shoved up your ass, a nickel at a time.
-%
-Getting Cheryl to shed her apparel
-Is like shooting goldfish in a barrel.
-	But her genital area
-	Is so vast it'll scareya,
-And you venture inside at your peril.
-%
-Gibble gabble gabble gibble gurgle lubble gibble babble beeble triggle
-	Lean closer.
-Libble gabble gabble ibble gurgle gubble tibble babble feeble riggle
-	Smile at her *knowingly*.
-Gibble gabble sabble gibble surgle gubble gibble babble beeble giggle
-	Nod sympathetically.  Show you're on *her* side.
-Bibble gabble gabble babble gurgle gubble gibble tribble beeble figgle
-	Touch her hand lightly.  Nobody understands but we two.
-Fibble gabble fobble gibble gurgle bubble gibble tabble beeble giggle
-	Look sincere.
-
-"Why don't we have the next drink up at MY place?"
-
-	God's gift to women strikes again.
-		-- J. Feiffer
-%
-Giles:	 What do you want?
-Angelus: I want to torture you.  I used to love it, it's been a long time.
-	 I mean, the last time I tortured somebody, they didn't even _H_A_V_E
-	 chain saws.
-		-- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Becoming, Part 2"
-		   Season 2, Episode 22
-%
-Gimme that old bisexuality,
-Gimme that old bisexuality,
-Gimme that old bisexuality,
-'Cause it's good enough for me!
-
-It was good for David Bowie,
-It was good for David Bowie,
-It was good for David Bowie,
-And it's good enough for me!
-%
-Girls are better looking in snowstorms.
-		-- Archie Goodwin
-%
-Girls are like pianos.  When they're not upright, they're grand!
-%
-Girls marry for love.  Boys marry because of a chronic irritation
-that causes them to gravitate in the direction of objects with
-certain curvilinear properties.
-		-- Ashley Montagu
-%
-Girls really do know just what they want -- you to figure it out for
-yourself!
-%
-Girls who put out are tramps.  Girls who don't are ladies.  This is,
-however, a rather archaic use of the word.  Should one of you boys happen
-upon a girl who doesn't put out, do not jump to the conclusion that you
-have found a lady.  What you have probably found is a lesbian.
-		-- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
-%
-Girls who throw themselves at men,
-are actually taking very careful aim.
-%
-Girls would never stay out late if guys didn't make them.
-%
-Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
-		-- Mae West
-%
-Give me Librium or give me Meth.
-%
-Give me the Luxuries, and to Hell with the Necessities!
-%
-GLEE CLUB GROUPIE:
-	A girl into choral sex.
-%
-GNU Make will no longer go into an infinite loop when fed the horrid
-trash that passes for makefiles that `imake' produces (so you can
-compile X, despite the extreme stubbornness and irrationality of its
-maintainers).
-		-- GNU Make 3.55 release notes
-%
-Go out with girls Dutch treat -- pay for dinner, drinks,
-and the movie, and the rest of the evening is on her.
-%
-Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
-		-- Mark Twain
-%
-God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends.
-%
-God is a polytheist.
-%
-God is an atheist.
-%
-GOD is applied POWER
-    which is applied GOVERNMENT
-	which is applied POLITICS
-	    which is applied ADVERTISING
-		which is applied SOCIOLOGY
-		    which is applied PSYCHOLOGY
-			which is applied BIOLOGY
-			    which is applied CHEMISTRY
-				which is applied PHYSICS
-				    which is applied MATH
-					which is applied PHILOSOPHY
-					    which is applied BULLSHIT
-%
-"God is as real as I am," the old man said.  My faith was restored, for
-I knew that Santa would never lie.
-%
-God is big, so don't fuck with him.
-%
-God is not dead!  He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's.
-%
-God is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnibenevolent -- it says so right here
-on the label.  If you have a mind capable of believing all three of these
-divine attributes simultaneously, I have a wonderful bargain for you.  No
-checks, please.  Cash and in small bills.
-		-- Lazarus Long
-%
-God isn't dead -- he's been busted.
-%
-God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.
-%
-God isn't dead, He's just trying to avoid the draft.
-%
-God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.
-%
-God must love assholes -- She made so many of them.
-%
-God wanted to have a holiday, so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on
-where to go.
-	"Why not go to Jupiter?" asked St. Peter.
-	"No, too much gravity, too much stomping around," said God.
-	"Well, how about Mercury?"
-	"No, it's too hot there."
-	"Okay," said St. Peter, "What about Earth?"
-	"No," said God, "They're such horrible gossips.  When I was
-there 2000 years ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they're
-still talking about it."
-%
-God wants us to know that if we see a bumper sticker saying "Honk if you love
-Jesus" it is a bad idea to honk to express an opinion about Jesus because it
-will annoy the turkey who put the bumper sticker on as well as everyone else
-in the vicinity.  However, it is just fine to honk to annoy the turkey simply
-for being a turkey, for God told Man to be fruitful and multiply, and to rule
-over the beasts of the field and the birds of the air, and that includes the
-turkeys who buy such bumper stickers.  Of course, God understands that innocent
-bystanders will also be annoyed, but He has wisely created traffic cops to
-impose some constraint on how much we may annoy the turkeys within city limits,
-for God's wisdom comprehends full well that thou shalt not make an omelette
-without breaking eggs.  God only wishes they were turkey eggs, so such moral
-dilemmas shall be fewer in number in the future, when the generations a-coming
-(hallelujah) won't have so many turkeys to deal with.  But God knows full well
-that such things take time, and the turkeys are showing more resilience than
-expected, and may be with us for a long time yet.
-%
-God's plan had a great beginning,
-But man spoiled his chances by sinning
-	We trust that the story
-	Will end in God's glory
-But at present the other side's winning.
-%
-Going into politics is as fatal to a gentleman as going into a bordello
-is fatal to a virgin.
-		-- H.L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe"
-%
-Gold coast slave ship bound for cotton fields
-Sold in a market down in New Orleans
-Scarred old slaver knows he's doing alright
-Hear him whip the women, just around midnight
-
-Ah, brown sugar how come you taste so good?
-Ah, brown sugar just like a young girl should
-
-Drums beating cold English blood runs hot
-Lady of the house wonderin' where it's gonna stop
-House boy knows that he's doing alright
-You should a heard him just around midnight.
-...
-I bet your mama was tent show queen
-And all her girlfriends were sweet sixteen
-I'm no school boy but I know what I like
-You should have heard me just around midnight.
-		-- Rolling Stones, "Brown Sugar"
-%
-Goldfish:  Two naked people tied and put on a mattress together to make love
-"fish fashion" (ie: no hands).  Originally a nineteenth-century bordel joke.
-It can be done (if you are the victims, try on your sides from behind).
-Venerable party game, but don't play it with strangers, or leave players
-unsupervised, even briefly.  There was a nice spoof on this sex stunt in
-the movie "Soldier Blue".  A good many women can get an orgasm from this
-simply by struggling, especially if you put them in front of a mirror.
-Don't both tie yourselves, even if you can manage it -- you might not be
-able to get loose.
-		-- The Joy of Sex
-%
-Good day for water sports.  Take a bath with a friend.
-%
-Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen!
-Here's a little number I tossed up in the Caribbean recently...
-
-Isn't it awfully nice to have a Penis,
-isn't it frightfully good to have a Dong.
-
-It's swell to have a Stiffy,
-it's divine to have a Dick,
-from the tinyest little Tadger,
-to the world's greatest Prick.
-
-So, breeches for your Willy or John-Thomas,
-Hooray! for your One Eyed Trouser's Snake.
-
-Your Piece of Pork, your Wife's best friend,
-your Porky or your Cock,
-you can wrap it up in ribbons,
-you can stick it in your sock!
-
-But, don't take it out in public,
-or they will stick you in the dock,
-and you won't come back.
-		-- Monty Python, "The Meaning of Life"
-%
-Good scout, n.:
-	Someone who knows the lay of the land and will take you to her.
-%
-Gorbachev woke up early one morning, and felt great.  He walked over to his
-window, threw back the curtains, and saw the sun coming up.  He felt *so*
-good, he crowed, "Good Morning Sun!", and was startled when a great booming
-voice came back to him, "Good morning Comrade!  Good morning to you and
-the great Soviet Socialist Republic!".  Of course, this surprised him, but
-great politician that he is, he considers the political ramifications.
-Gorbachev then woke up Reza and his closest aides, brought them into his
-bedroom, and shouted out "Good morning, Comrade Sun!".  Again a booming reply,
-"Good morning, Comrade.  Good morning to you and the rest of the Party!"
-Everyone was quite excited about this, and Gorbachev sat down to his
-day's work with a feeling of being destiny's favorite child.
-	Later, in the evening, he was preparing for the ballet.  As he
-dressed, he noticed that the sun was setting.  Walking over to the window,
-Gorbachev threw up the sash and again addressed the sun, "Good evening to
-you, Comrade Sun!".  Once more the great voice boomed out, "Fuck you,
-asshole!  I'm in the West now!"
-%
-Grain grows best in shit.
-		-- Ursula K. LeGuin
-%
-Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
-%
-Gravity is an unforgiving motherfucker.
-%
-Great Lover, n.:
-	A man who can breathe through his ears.
-%
-GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY (#21):  July 30, 1917
-
-On this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught then
-Senator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage girl.  He bought
-them off with a $20 bribe, and later remarked thankfully, "I thought
-I wouldn't get out of that under $1000!"  Always one to learn from
-his mistakes, in later years President Harding carried on his affairs
-in a tiny closet in the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service
-men stood lookout.
-%
-Gross, adj.:
-	When your bloody mary still has the string in it.
-%
-Gross, adj.:
-	When your grandmother kisses you goodnight and
-	slips you some tongue.
-%
-Gynecologist, n.:
-	Someone who spends their time spreading old wives' tails.
-%
-HACKER:
-	A master byter.
-%
-Hackers do it bottom-up.
-%
-Hackers do it with all sorts of characters.
-%
-Hackers do it with bugs.
-%
-Hackers do it with fewer instructions.
-%
-Hackers have kernel knowledge.
-%
-Hackers know all the right MOVs.
-%
-Haggis, n.:
-	Haggis is a kind of stuff black pudding eaten by the Scots and
-considered by them to be not only a delicacy but fit for human
-consumption.  The minced heart, liver and lungs of a sheep, calf or
-other animal are mixed with oatmeal, sealed and boiled in maw in the sheep's
-intestinal stomach-bag and ... Excuse me a minute ...
-%
-Half the posts to this group are about masturbation and the other half
-are about penis size.  And what I want to know is, if all you're doing
-is jerking off, why do you care how big it is?
-		-- From alt.sex
-%
-Halt!!  Who goes there, friend or enema?
-%
-Handsome woman. -- Lovely bust.
-Fine young fellow. -- Stirred-up lust. --
-	Babies' diapers. --
-	Bottom wipers. --
-Years of struggle. -- Coffin. -- Dust.
-%
-Handy hint:
-	A tea bag or two can be a dandy substitute
-	when you're out of tampons.
-%
-Hang gliders come down very slowly.
-%
-Hangover, n.:
-	The burden of proof.
-%
-HAPPINESS:
-	Having your Herpes (Type II) test come back negative.
-%
-Hardly a pure science, history is closer to animal husbandry than it is
-to mathematics, in that it involves selective breeding.  The principal
-difference between the husbandryman and the historian is that the
-former breeds sheep or cows or such, and the latter breeds (assumed)
-facts.  The husbandryman uses his skills to enrich the future; the
-historian uses his to enrich the past.  Both are usually up to their
-ankles in bullshit.
-		-- Tom Robbins
-%
-Harold had never wanted a woman so much in his life, upon overhearing the
-22- year-old beauty remark that he was too old and out of shape for her.  The
-determined septuagenarian immediately embarked upon a rigorous self-improvement
-program.  He had his face lifted, bought a toupee, ran five miles every day,
-lifted weights and adopted a strict vegetarian diet.  Within months, the
-rejuvenated man won the young woman's heart, and she agreed to marry him.
-	On the way out of the chapel, however, Harold was fatally struck
-by lightning.  Furious, he confronted Saint Peter at the pearly gates.  "How
-could you do this to me after all the pain I went through?"
-	"To be honest, Harold," Saint Peter sheepishly replied, "I didn't
-recognize you."
-%
-Harry came into work on Monday feeling absolutely fine, and so was astonished
-when his secretary urged him to lie down on the sofa; even more so when his
-boss took one look at him and ordered him to take the day, if not the week,
-off.  Even his poker buddies wouldn't have anything to do with him, insisting
-that he go straight to bed.  Finally, tired of resisting everyone's advice,
-he went to see his doctor, who took one look at him and rushed over with
-a stretcher.
-	"But doctor," he protested, "I feel fine."
-Well, this was a puzzler, conceded the doctor, who proceeded to refer to the
-enormous reference tomes behind his desk, muttering to himself.
-	"Looks good, feels good...  No, you look like hell.  Looks good,
-feels terrible...  Nah, you feel fine, right?"
-Thumbing furiously through another volume, he said,
-	"Looks terrible, feels terrible...  Nope, that won't do it either."
-Finally, "Looks terrible, feels terrific... Aha!!  You're a vagina!"
-%
-Have you ever really thought about there being a simple solution to
-America's problems?  Why, we could solve all of our raw materials
-difficulties, foreign complications etc. over a long weekend.  If we
-got up early, early mind you, on Saturday, we could take over Mexico
-by 10:00.  Panama and most of South America would be a bit more difficult,
-but I believe we could do it by 6 or 7 that evening.  Turning our
-attention northward, Canada would require most of Sunday morning.
-General mopping up and execution of the civilian populations would take
-up Sunday afternoon.  I just don't understand why Washington hasn't
-thought of this...
-%
-Have you ever stopped to think what it would be like to have a woman
-President?  "I can't deal with the Russians today.  Not now.  I've got
-my period."
-		-- Steven Moore
-%
-Have you ever tried to tickle yourself?  Everybody has some wacko aunt or
-uncle that can just point at you and have you rolling with laughter.  But
-if you shove your fist in your underarm for a week and a half you won't
-laugh.  Somehow your underarm just knows that it's *your* fist.  Thank God
-other parts of our bodies are dumber.
-%
-Have you ever wondered what makes Californians so calm?  Besides drugs, I
-mean.  The answer is hot tubs.  A hot tub is a redwood container filled with
-water that you sit in naked with members of the opposite sex, none of whom
-is necessarily your spouse.  After a few hours in their hot tubs, Californians
-don't give a damn about earthquakes or mass murderers.  They don't give a
-damn about anything, which is why they are able to produce "Laverne and
-Shirley" week after week.
-		-- Dave Barry
-%
-Have you heard about Magda Lupescu,
-Who came to Rumania's rescue?
-	It's a wonderful thing
-	To be under a king--
-Is democracy better, I esk you?
-%
-Have you heard of knock-kneed Samuel McGuzzum
-Who married Samantha, his bow-legged cousin?
-	Some people say,
-	Love finds a way,
-But for Sam and Samantha it doesn'.
-%
-Have you heard of the lady named Cox
-Who had a capacious old box?
-	When her lover was in place
-	She said, "Please turn your face.
-I look like a gal, but I screw like a fox."
-%
-Have you heard of those trollops of Birmingham
-And the scandal that's currently concerning'em?
-	How they lift the frock
-	And tickle the cock
-Of the bishop while he was confirming 'em?
-%
-Have you seen how Sonny's burning,
-Like some bright erotic star,
-He lights up the proceedings,
-And raises the temperature.
-		-- The Birthday Party, "Sonny's Burning"
-%
-Having discovered the possibility that other creatures could be used
-for sexual intercourse, early man was likely to have made many such
-attempts ... though it is doubtful that he was so sexually carnivorous
-as the Christian and Jewish Adam, who, rabbinical interpreters of the
-Old Testament tell us, had intercourse with every creature before God
-finally hit upon the idea of woman and created Eve.
-		-- R. E. Masters
-%
-Having lost his potency years before, the octogenarian was desperate to
-satisfy his new 18-year-old wife.  He visited a gypsy woman with magical
-powers.
-	After the man downed a foul-tasting potion, the gypsy said, "There.
-Now the words beep-beep will give you an enormous erection.  Repeating
-the phrase will make it disappear.  But remember," she cautioned, "it will
-work only three times.  Make use of them wisely."
-	As the old man left, he decided to test her prediction.  "Beep-beep,"
-he said, and sure enough, he got the biggest erection of his life.
-"Beep-beep", he repeated.  It went away.
-	He sped through traffic on his way home.  "Beep-beep," honked a taxi.
-The old man gasped as he instantly got hard.
-	"Beep-beep," honked a truck.  His erection wilted.
-	Pulling into his driveway at last, the frantic man rushed inside
-and found his nubile wife lying on the bed reading a novel.
-	"Have I got a surprise for you," he said, tearing off his clothes.
-"Beep-beep!"
-	"Hold on a second," his wife said, eyeing his magnificent erection.
-"What's all this beep-beep shit?"
-%
-Having made a remark rather coarse,
-A young lady was seized with remorse;
-	She fled from the room,
-	And later, a groom
-Saw her rolling about in the gorse.
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-He:	Am I... am I your first?
-She:	Well, honey, I could have sworn your face looked familiar...
-%
-He:	"Hey, Baby, I'd sure like to get in your pants!"
-She:	"No, thanks, I've already got one asshole in there now."
-%
-He:	So, what do you say to little fuck?
-She:	I say, "get lost, little fuck."
-%
-He boil my first cabbage, make it awfully hot,
-But when he put in the bacon, oooh, you know it overflow the pot.
-		-- Bessie Smith, "Empty Bed Blues"
-%
-He carried me over the stream, striding through the current, his strong,
-muscular, thighs scarcely hesitating as he sure-footedly forded the water.
-But what was that bulge, small, oblong, solid, that might have been, say,
-a pocket camera?
-		-- An Exciting Journey
-%
-He could be a poster child for retroactive birth control.
-%
-He dove down overweighted with lead.
-Passed one hundred and flat lost his head.
-	He flapped and he flailed,
-	Spit his hose and he wailed,
-Swallowed water and found himself dead.
-%
-He drank with curvy Mable,
-The pace was fast and furious,
-He slid beneath the table,
-Not drunk but merely curious.
-%
-He grabbed me by my slender neck,
-I could not call or scream.
-He dragged me to his tiny room,
-Where we could not be seen.
-He tore away my filmy wrap,
-And gazed upon my form.
-I so cold and frightened,
-While he so strong and warm.
-He pressed me to his thirsty lips,
-I gave him every drop.
-He drained me of my very self,
-I could not make him stop!
-And that is why you see me here,
-An empty, broken bottle of beer...
-%
-He had heard that a certain whorehouse had a reputation for the bizarre.
-So he drove to the place and, once inside, asked the Madam if she had anything
-unusual for him to try.  "Things are pretty slow today," she said, "but I
-do have one number you might enjoy."  She went on to describe a New Jersey
-hen that had been trained to do blow jobs.
-	"We've got her here, but only for the day."
-	The visitor could hardly believe it, but he paid the fee and went
-into a room with a hen.  After a frustrating hour of trying to force his
-cock into the hen's mouth, he figured out that he was dealing with nothing
-but a plain old chicken.  He left.  Thinking about it later, he decided
-that he had had so much fun trying that he returned the few days later and
-asked the Madam, "Do you have anything new today?"
-	"Come this way," she said, and led him to a dark room where a group
-of men were looking through a one-way mirror.  He saw that they were watching
-a girl making it with a large doberman pinscher.
-	"Wow!" he said to the man standing next to him.  "This is really
-great!"
-	The man replied, "Man, it ain't nothin'!  You shoulda been here
-a week ago and seen the guy with the chicken!"
-%
-He hated to mend, so young Ned
-Called in a cute neighbor instead.
-	Her husband said, "Vi,
-	When you stitched up his torn fly,
-Did you have to bite off the thread?"
-%
-He played smooch and stinkfinger with Daisy
-Till this virgin was gotch-eyed and hazy.
-	Then his gargantuan pole in
-	Her pink, tight, and swollen
-Young cunt just about drove her crazy.
-%
-He used to kiss her on her lips, but it's all over now.
-%
-He was not only a great swordsman, but also a cunning linguist.
-%
-He was so gay he'd never lean his ass on a baseball bat --
-scared it'd get serious.
-%
-He was so ugly hookers used to tell him, "Not on the first date."
-%
-He was the world's only armless sculptor.  He put the chisel in his mouth
-and his wife hit him on the back of the head with a mallet.
-		-- Fred Allen
-%
-He wasn't much of an actor, he wasn't much of a Governor -- Hell, they
-_H_A_D to make him President of the United States.  It's the only job he's
-qualified for!
-		-- Michael Cain
-%
-He who farts in church must sit in his own pew.
-%
-He who findeth sensuous pleasures in the bodies of lush, hot, pink
-damsels is not righteous, but he can have a lot more fun.
-%
-He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own
-hands.
-%
-He who trains his tongue to quote the learned
-sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.
-		-- Howard Kandel
-%
-Hear about...
-	one penile desensitizer that's so effective that you
-	have to stroke the tube for five minutes to get the cap off?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the 97-year-old prostitute who got herself listed in the Yellow
-	Pages and now claims to be the oldest trick in the book?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the absent minded nurse who made the patient without disturbing
-	the bed?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the absent minded sculptor who put his model to bed and
-	started chiseling on his wife?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the absent-minded exhibitionist who was arrested for exposing
-	his whatchamacalit?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the ambitious secretary who walked into her boss's office and
-	demanded a salary on next week's advance?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the Ayatollah Khomeini Doll?
-	Wind it up and it takes Ken and Barbie hostage.
-%
-Hear about...
-	the basketball player who was so tall that his girlfriend had to
-	go up on him?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the careless canary that did it for a lark?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the careless contortionist who accidentally swallowed his pride?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the compulsive gambler who drove to Las Vegas, pulled up to
-	a parking meter, put a dime in -- and lost his car?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the couple on the stalled elevator who got off between floors?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the cross-eyed shoe fetishist who was always getting off on the
-	wrong foot?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the doctor that prescribed sex for insomnia?  His patients didn't
-	get any more sleep, but they had more fun staying awake.
-%
-Hear about...
-	the drunken midget who walked into a home for girls and kissed
-	everybody in the joint?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the elderly gentleman who was stung on the privates by a bee and
-	asked the doctor to relieve the pain but leave the swelling?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the Eskimo girl who spent the night with her boyfriend and
-	next morning found she was six months pregnant?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the farmer who couldn't keep his hands off his wife, so he
-	fired them?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the fellow who chased his girlfriend up a tree and kissed
-	her between the limbs?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the fellow who got ten years for pumping Ethyl behind the station?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the fellow who maintains a special register of particularly
-	accommodating girls?  He refers to it as his little blew book.
-%
-Hear about...
-	the fellow who was descended from a long line his mother heard?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the fine, upstanding young woman who's wonderful laying down?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the freaky WAC who was court-martialed for contributing to the
-	delinquency of a major?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the French soldier who kissed his wife's cheeks before he went
-	to the front?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the freshman coed who decided not to sign up for a course in sex
-	education when she heard the final exam would be oral?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the frustrated musician who worked all week on an arrangement and
-	then his wife didn't leave town?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the fun-loving young lady who insists she won't even consider
-	marriage until she's gotten some experience under her belt?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the gay tattoo artist who had designs on several of the local
-	sailors?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the girl that wanted to impress her new boyfriend,
-	so she put on her low-cut dress to show him a thing or two?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the girl who called her boyfriend Amaretto, 'cause he was
-	such a sweet liquor?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the girl who was so undesirable that she even turned her vibrator
-	off?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the girl with the big wardrobe who started with just a little slip?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the guy who couldn't find his way to the orgy?  Just kind of lost
-	his ball bearings.
-%
-Hear about...
-	the guy who had his vasectomy done by Sears?
-	Every time he gets a hard-on, the garage door goes up.
-%
-Hear about...
-	the guy who took a course in exotic lovemaking and announced that
-	he'd never be able to face his girl again?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the guy who was an incurable romantic until penicillin came along?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the guy who was so well endowed that he had a fiveskin?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the handsome bachelor Senator who hired a ravishing blonde as his
-	assistant and then made her the object of a long Congressional probe?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the high school drum major who dated two of the majorettes and
-	so enjoyed the breasts of both whirlers?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the hurricane that recently struck Fire Island -- Hurricane Bruce?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the inexperienced stenographer who discovered that she could lose
-	a lot more than letters behind the files?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the insurance salesman who says his greatest successes are
-	with young housewives who aren't adequately covered?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the little boy that found a fifty cent piece, so he went home
-	for some money?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the loner who gave up his solitary vice for Lent?  Except on
-	Palm Sunday, of course.
-%
-Hear about...
-	the man who never worried about his marriage until he moved from New
-	York to California and discovered that he still had the same milkman?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the mother of 12 who was called upon to use her diaphragm so often
-	that she kept it tacked to the headboard of her bed?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the new breakfast cereal called Queerios?  You simply add milk
-	and they eat each other.
-%
-Hear about...
-	the new breakfast cereal called "Swingers".  They don't go snap,
-	crackle, or pop; they just lie there and go bang, bang, bang?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the new instrument of credit especially designed for use in
-	Los Angeles single bars?  It's called Bang Americard.
-%
-Hear about...
-	the new rule at the girls' school?
-	Lights out by ten, candles by eleven.
-%
-Hear about...
-	the new vitamin made from chicken blood,
-	it makes men cocky and women lay better?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the nurse they thought had drowned
-	until they found her under the doc?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the nymphomaniac teenager popularly known as Little Often Annie?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the over-eager bride who came, walking down the aisle?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the perverted Australian who left his wife and returned to Sydney?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the poor Greek fisherman who got his upper torso wedged into
-	a porthole and couldn't get out to save his ass?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the real smart girl who could play post-office all night
-	without getting any mail in her box?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the recent cigarette survey that disclosed that 99% of the
-	men who have tried Camels have gone back to women?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the San Franciscan who backed off the bus because he thought
-	someone would grab his seat?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the secretary that got fired because she had one too mini?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the sultan who had ten wives, nine of them had it soft.
-%
-Hear about...
-	the swinger who labeled his little black book "Future Shack"?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the tight end who got two years for possession and came out a
-	wide receiver?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the truck driver who pulled out to avoid a child and fell
-	off the sofa?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the ultimate in singles bars.  It's a place where girls have
-	to show their I.U.D.'s to be admitted?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the woman who claimed that two martinis usually made her
-	feel like a new man?
-%
-Hear about...
-	the young lady attacked in San Francisco?
-	By two men, one held her down while the other one did her hair.
-%
-Hear about...
-	the young thing who is fondly known to the men in the office as
-	Secretariat -- not just because she's a good secretary but because
-	she's a wonderful mount?
-%
-Hear about the...
-	guy who wore a tux to his vasectomy, because he figured that
-	if he was going to be impotent he might as well look impotent.
-%
-Hear that...
-	bookstores will soon be stocking a volume called "The Unsensuous
-	Census Taker".  It's about a guy who comes once every ten years?
-%
-Hear that...
-	the Masters and Johnson clinic may well be the only organization
-	in the world from which a man resigns when he becomes a member
-	in good standing?
-%
-Hear that...
-	the only thing worse than coming home with lipstick on your
-	collar is being caught with leg make-up on your ears?
-%
-Hear that...
-	the Pope's next pronouncement on birth control is to be titled
-	"Paul's Epistle to the Fallopians"?
-%
-Hear that...
-	there's an establishment near the White House that caters to kinky
-	tastes?  There's a House whip in attendance, of course?
-%
-Hear that...
-	those new edible candy pants are about to be distributed in a male
-	version -- with nuts of course?
-%
-Heard tell that the Iron Magnolia wanted to divorce ol' Jimmy.
-Seems he's screwing everyone but her.
-%
-He'd kiss and the girls called him Georgie
-They'd cry and the girls called him Porgie.
-	So he put Spanish fly
-	In their pudding and pie
-And had the first tiny-tot orgy.
-%
-Heisenberg may have done it.
-%
-"Hell, no," said the Duchess of Quick,
-"I won't suck his filthy old prick!
-	It's not that I funk
-	At a mouthful of spunk,
-But the smell of his ass makes me sick!"
-%
-Hello, children!!
-	This is Uncle Dennis welcoming you to your very own fortune.
-	Today we are going to hear a story, so sit right here on my lap
-	and we can all start.  Comfortable?  Ah, yes, ah... Ah? Ah!!
-
-	One day, Rikki, the magic Pixie, went to visit Daisy Bumble in her
-	tumbledown cottage.  He found her in the bedroom. Roughly he
-	grabbed her heaving ******* pulling her down on the bed and
-	hurriedly ripping off her thin *******.
-
-	Old Nick, the Sea Captain was a rough tough jolly sort of fellow.
-	He loved the life of the sea and he loved to hang out down by the
-	pier where the men dressed as ladies ****** **** ******* *******
-	of ***** ****** **** the ****** with a melon.
-
-	Rumpletweezer ran the Dinky Tinky shop in the foot of the Magic
-	oak tree by the wobbly dum-dum tree in the shade of the enchanted
-	glen down in Dingly Dell.  Here he sold contraceptives, ********
-	and various appliances *** ******** *** ***** naked fun and *****
-	the ******** ******* *** into six or seven pairs.
-%
-Help!  I'm a lesbian trapped in a gay man's body!
-		-- Bisexuality, 101
-%
-Help Stamp Out Rape!  (Say Yes.)
-%
-HENPECKED HUSBAND:
-	One who's afraid to tell his pregnant wife that he's sterile.
-%
-Her brother, a bastard named Ben,
-Could rotate his pecker, and then
-	He would shoot through his rear
-	Which made him dear
-Of the girls, and the envy of men.
-%
-Her daughter, thought worried Ms. Coffin,
-Had morals the city might soften.
-	So she phoned and asked, "Lynn,
-	Are you living in sin?"
-Lynn said, "No -- but I visit there often."
-%
-Her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest
-in a yak.
-		-- Woody Allen
-%
-Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her.
-%
-Here I sit, my cheeks a flexin',
-Just gave birth to another Texan.
-%
-Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled with
-the issue of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John Paul
-Stevens came up with the famous quotation about how he couldn't define
-pornography, but he knew it when he saw it.  So for a while, the
-court's policy was to have all the suspected pornography trucked to
-Justice Stevens' house, where he would look it over.  "Nope, this isn't
-it," he'd say.  "Bring some more."  This went on until one morning when
-his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under an
-enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a
-ruling stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except
-that it was illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about
-it because the court was going to take a nap.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
-%
-Here's a toast to Screwy Dick,
-The man who was born with a corkscrew prick.
-He spent his life in a futile hunt,
-To find a woman with a spiral cunt.
-And when he did, he dropped stone dead,
-'Cause the blasted thing had a left-hand thread!
-%
-Here's the holiday schedule for Monday's observation of Martin Luther
-King, Jr.'s birthday, when the following will be closed:
-
-	* Governmental offices
-	* Post offices
-	* Libraries
-	* Schools
-	* Banks
-	* Parts of Palm Beach
-
-and the mind of Senator Jesse Helms of North Carolina.
-		-- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live"
-%
-Here's to the girl in little red shoes,
-She drinks my liquor, she drinks my booze,
-She has no cherry, but that's no sin,
-She has the box the cherry came in.
-%
-Here's to the girl that's dressed in black,
-She's dressed so neat there's nothing to lack
-She feels so fine and kisses so sweet
-She makes things stand that have no feet.
-%
-Here's to the girl that's sweet,
-Here's to the girl that's true,
-Here's to the girl in all our hearts...
-
-In other words, guys, what do you say we all go downtown for
-the rest of the night?
-%
-Here's to the woman beautiful and divine
-she flowers every month bears fruit every nine
-she's the only creature 'tween heaven and hell
-can get the juice from a nut without cracking the shell.
-%
-Here's to women.  Would that we could fall into her arms without falling
-into her hands.
-		-- Ambrose Bierce
-%
-HERMIT:
-	A man who'd rather get off by himself.
-%
-HERPES:
-	The final proof that 'tis better to give than to receive.
-	Much better.
-%
-He's a son-of-a-bitch, but he's our son-of-a-bitch.
-		-- FDR on Nicaraguan dictator Anastasio Somoza
-%
-He's gallantry personified, in fact, his brochures ought to
-read satisfaction guaranteed, or your virginity returned intact.
-%
-He's learned about 50% of the rules of sex and conversation;
-he knows how to stick it in, but not how to stick it out.
-%
-He's not pining, he's passed on!  This parrot won't squawk!  He's
-ceased to be!  He's expired, and gone to meet his maker!  It's a
-stiff!  No breath of life, he may rest in peace!  If you hadn't nailed
-him to the perch, he'd be pushing up the daisies!  He's off the twig!
-He's kicked the bucket!  He's curled up his tooties!  He's shuffled off
-this mortal world!  He's run down the curtain, and joined the bleed'n
-Choir Invincible!  HE'S FUCKING SNUFFED IT!  Vis-a-vi his metabolic
-processes is head is lost.  All statements concerning this parrot is no
-longer a going concern, after from now on, Inoperative...
-
-		THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!
-		-- Monty Python
-%
-Hey baby!
-	How 'bout a brutal face fuck?
-%
-HEY KIDS!  ANN LANDERS SAYS:
-	A great way to prevent the tragedy of unwanted pregnancy is to
-become a homosexual.  Every year, millions of young men and women, just
-like you, are making the clean change to worry-free homosexuality.
-They're having more sex than ever, and more fun than ever.  Send 50 cents
-today for my leaflet "Gay sexual techniques".  Be sure to specify the
-male or female edition.
-%
-HEY, KIDS!  ANN LANDERS SAYS:
-	Masturbation isn't as simple as it looks.  Do it right!
-Send 50 cents for my illustrated booklet "Masturbation techniques
-for the teenager".  Be sure to specify the male or female edition.
-%
-HEY KIDS!  ANN LANDERS SAYS:
-	Remember, oral sex CAN cause pregnancy, unless you use an
-oral contraceptive.  See your family planning clinic today!
-%
-Hickory Dickory Dock,
-Three mice ran up a clock!
-The clock struck one,
-Right in the balls!
-
-There was an old woman,
-Who lived in a shoe,
-Who had so many children,
-Her uterus fell right out.
-%
-Higgledy Piggledy		Coeducational
-Yale University			Extracurricular
-Gave up misogyny		Heterosexual
-Opened its door.		Fun is in store.
-%
-Hire the handicapped -- they're fun to watch!
-%
-His shy bride admitted to Crandall
-That for years she'd worked off with a candle,
-	But a cock like his dick
-	Gave her ten times the kick,
-Though it strained her wee peehole to handle!
-%
-History has the relation to truth that theology has to religion --
-i.e., none to speak of.
-		-- Lazarus Long
-%
-Home is where the hurt is.
-		-- Strange de Jim
-%
-Honest, officer, had I known my health was
-in jeopardy, why, I'd never have lit one!
-%
-HONOR:
-	Almost as good as in 'er.
-%
-Horny, adj.:
-	When your cock gets hard if the wind blows.
-%
-Horsecrap, little brother.  There's always something more to be done.
-Another palm to be greased.  Another back to be scratched.  Another
-weak sister to be shored up.
-		-- J.R. Ewing
-%
-HOT TUB TIPS FOR WOMEN
-	Vol. I -- Etiquette
-
-1. It's not lady-like to straddle a water jet, moan in ecstasy, and then
-	scream at the top of your lungs, "Oh, yes, YES, BABY!"
-2. Washing your partner's back is sexy.  Washing your panty hose is not.
-3. Nude bathing with strangers can be a pleasant experience; don't spoil
-	it for everyone with a thoughtless remark, such as "My God, I've
-	seen bigger wangs on hamsters!"
-4. It's O.K. to pass a joint while tubbing.  Don't pass anything else.
-5. Don't think you're fooling anybody by passing off your vibrator as a
-	toy submarine.
-%
-How can you say that the world isn't
-Jewish, when the sun's real name is Sol?
-%
-How come if you're horny it's lust, but if she's horny it's affection?
-%
-How do you like the new America?  We've cut the fat out of the
-government, and more recently the heart and brain (the backbone was
-gone some time ago).  All we seem to have left now is muscle.  We'll be
-lucky to escape with our skins!
-%
-How should they answer?
-		-- Abigail Van Buren (Dear Abby) in reply to the question
-		   "Why do Jews always answer a question with a question?"
-%
-How soon can you have sexual relations after your wife delivers?
-Well, depends on if she's in a ward or a private room.
-%
-HOW TO REMOVE STAINS -- #28
-	Semen stains can be removed from computer terminals with
-	Fantastik or the like.  Use Windex on the glass however, and
-	be sure to turn the power off if you have to clean between
-	the keys.
-%
-Howard Cosell's biggest protrusion is his asshole.
-		-- John Valby
-%
-Hugh Hefner is a virgin.
-%
-Hunters make the best lovers; they go deeper into the
-bush, shoot more often and *always* eat what they shoot.
-%
-Hypocrisy is the Vaseline of social intercourse.
-%
-Hypocrite, n.:
-	A man who says he likes cats, but won't eat pussy.
-%
-I am an atheist, thank God!
-%
-I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it
-once was ... an arctic wilderness.
-		-- Steve Martin
-%
-I bet you think you're pretty cool driving around without auto insurance.
-You're probably saying to yourself, "I'm beating the system."  But what's
-going to happen when you get pulled over and lose your license because
-you're not insured.  What girl's going to ride shotgun on a ten-speed on
-a Saturday Night?  Yeah, you're going to be beating more than the system...
-		-- auto insurance ad, heard on KNAC, Long Beach
-%
-I call Christianity the one great curse, the one enormous and innermost
-perversion, the one great instinct of revenge, for which no means are
-too venomous, too underhand, too underground and too petty -- I call it
-the one immortal blemish of mankind.
-		-- Fredrich Nietzsche
-%
-I call it the "Madman Theory".  I want the North Vietnamese to believe that
-I've reached the point where I might do *anything* to stop the war.  We'll
-just slip the word to them that "For God's sake, you know, Nixon is obsessed
-about Communism.  We can't restrain him when he's angry -- and he has his
-hand on the nuclear button."
-		-- Richard M. Nixon
-%
-I came; I saw; I fucked up.
-%
-I can feel for her because, although I have never been an Alaskan prostitute
-dancing on the bar in a spangled dress, I still get very bored with washing
-and ironing and dishwashing and cooking day after relentless day.
-		-- Betty MacDonald
-%
-I can understand companionship.  I can understand bought sex in the
-afternoon.  I cannot understand the love affair.
-		-- Gore Vidal
-%
-I can't quite put my finger on it, but something about you pisses me off.
-		-- Peter Knight
-%
-I choked Linda Lovelace.
-%
-I continued wetting my bed for a long time, not just out of contrariness,
-but to have the pleasure of feeling my warm urine running down my legs
-and wallowing in its odor.
-		-- Salvador Dali
-%
-I did not look behind me, 'till I got to St. Omer's & thence fled to America;
-here I offer'd to become a Spy for the English Government which was scornfully
-rejected; I then turned to Plunder & Libel the Yankees, for which I was fined
-5000 Dollars & kicked out of the Country!  I came back to England (after
-absconding for Seven years) & set up the Crown & Mitre to establish my Loyalty!
--- accepted from the Doctor L400 to print & disperse a pamphlet against "the
-Hellfire of Reform" ... but applied the Money to purchase an estate at Botley,
-& left ye Doctor to pay the Paper & Printing!  Being now Lord of the Manor, I
-began by sowing the seeds of discontent through Hampshire; I oppressed the
-Poor, sent the Aged to Hell, & damned the eyes of my Parish Apprentices before
-they were open'd in the morning! ... and being now supported by a Band of
-Reformers, I renewed my old favorite Toast of Damnation to the House of
-Brunswick! & being exalted by the sale of 10,000 Political Registers every
-week, I find myself the greatest Man in the World! except that Idol of all my
-Adorations, his Royal and Imperial Majesty, NAPOLEONE!
-		-- William Cobbett, British journalist
-%
-I dined with Lord Hughing Fitz-Bluing
-Who said, "Do you squirm when you're screwing?"
-	I replied, "Simple shagging
-	Without any wagging
-Is only for screwing canoeing."
-%
-"I do love a lay every day,
-So whenever you're coming this way
-	Just phone in advance
-	And I'll jerk off my pants,
-And we're set for a sexy soiree!"
-%
-I don't care who you are, Fatso.  Get those reindeer off my roof.
-%
-I don't discriminate on the basis of sex.
-		-- Bisexuality, 101
-		[An equal opportunity lover?  Ed.]
-%
-I don't give a shit what happens.  I want you all to stonewall it.  Let
-them plead the Fifth Amendment, cover up, or anything else if it'll save
-the plan.
-		-- Richard M. Nixon
-%
-I don't know why women get so upset, they have half the
-money and all the pussy.
-		-- Gary Bussy, "DC Cab"
-%
-I don't love you, asshole, I love your daughter.
-		-- The Undergraduate
-%
-I Don't Mind If You Lie to Me, As Long As I Ain't Lyin' Alone
-I Wouldn't Take You to a Dog Fight Even If I Thought You Could Win
-If You Leave Me, Walk Out Backwards So I'll Think You're Comin' In
-Since You Learned to Lip-Sync, I'm At Your Disposal
-My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was
-	Breaking My Heart
-Don't Cry, Little Darlin', You're Waterin' My Beer
-Tennis Must Be Your Racket, 'Cause Love Means Nothin' to You
-When You Say You Love Me, You're Full of Prunes, 'Cause Living
-	With You Is the Pits
-I Wanted Your Hand in Marriage but All I Got Was the Finger
-		-- proposed Country-Western song titles from "Wordplay"
-%
-"I don't really mind her being unfaithful," sighed the man to his
-marriage counselor, "but I just can't sleep three in a bed."
-%
-I don't remember ever having had the itch, and yet scratching is
-one of nature's sweet pleasures, and so handy.
-%
-I don't understand what all the fuss was about in Los Angeles.
-It's not like we looted Brooks Brothers when Oliver North got off.
-		-- P.J. O'Rourke
-%
-I don't want to say that she had big tits, but one day I asked her
-	just how big they was, and she said, "7 and 7/8".
-I said, "7 and 7/8?!  What did you measure 'em with?"
-And she replied, "A Stetson."
-%
-"I finally found out what my ranch foreman husband really meant,"
-sobbed the recent bride, "when he told me he'd love me 'til the
-cows came home."
-%
-I grew up in an Italian family, you know, the strange thing about
-Italians -- they're so Jewish.
-		-- Kay Ballard
-%
-I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back...
-boy, were they mad!
-		-- Steven Wright
-%
-I had a virgin once.  I had to go to Florida for her.  She was twelve
-years old, blind in one eye, and carried a stuffed alligator labeled
-"Made in Taiwan".
-		-- The Stunt Man
-%
-I have a funny daddy
-Who goes in and out with me
-And everything that baby does
-Daddy's sure to see,
-And everything that baby says,
-My daddy's sure to tell.
-You _m_u_s_t have read my daddy's verse.
-I hope he fries in Hell.
-		-- Ogden Nash
-%
-"I have credit with this madam who runs a string of super callgirls,"
-the executive reminisced at his club bar, "but when I got the bill for
-the great head session one of them pleasured me with, I must say that
-it was enough to make a blown man cry."
-%
-I have just enough white in me to make my honesty questionable.
-		-- Will Rogers
-%
-I have perfumed my bed with myrrh, aloes, and cinnamon.  Come, let us
-take our fill of love until the morning.
-		-- Proverbs 7:17-18
-%
-I heard there was a lot of sex on television these days,
-but when I tried it I kept falling off.
-%
-I knew Leo G. Carrol
-Was over a barrel
-When Tarantula took to the hills.	["Lick it!"]
-And I really got hot
-When I saw Jeanette Scott
-Fight a triffid that spits poison and kills.
-
-Science fiction, double feature
-Doctor X will build a creature.
-See androids fighting Brad and Janet
-Anne Francis stars in Forbidden Planet
-Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh
-At the late night, double feature, picture show.
-		-- The Rocky Horror Picture Show
-%
-I know a Polack his name is Cliff,
-Hey-la-de-la-de-la.
-He sticks it in the freezer to get it stiff,
-Hey-la-de-la-de-lo.
-
-I know a girl, her name is Serafina,
-Hey-la-de-la-de-la.
-She'll get down on all fours for a bowl of Purina,
-Hey-la-de-la-de-lo.
-
-I know a girl, her name is Cuffy,
-Hey-la-de-la-de-la.
-She douches with Tide and makes her pubes fluffy,
-Hey la-de-la-de-lo.
-		-- Doctor Dirty
-%
-I know of a fortunate Hindu
-Who is sought in the towns that he's been to
-	By the ladies he knows,
-	Who are thrilled to the toes
-By the tricks that he makes his foreskin do.
-%
-I know what you're up to, you white-feathered fiend!
-Go release your bowels on some lesser personage!
-		-- W. C. Fields, upon seeing a bird overhead
-%
-I know why the sun never sets on the British Empire -- God wouldn't trust
-an Englishman in the dark.
-		-- Duncan Spaeth
-%
-I love this fucking University, and this University loves fucking me.
-%
-I married an Italian girl; the way you marry an Italian girl in my family
-is to bring a New Yorker home first.
-%
-I met a young man in Chungking
-Who had a very long thing --
-	But you'll guess my surprise
-	When I found that its size
-Just measured a third-finger ring!
-%
-I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come
-into my neighborhood after dark.
-		-- Dick Gregory
-%
-I never did give anybody hell.  I just told the truth and they thought
-it was hell.
-		-- Harry S. Truman
-%
-I never had Miss Defauw,
-But it wouldn't have been quite so raw
-	If she'd only said "No"
-	When I wanted her so;
-But she didn't -- she laughed and said "Naw!"
-%
-I never met a woman I couldn't drink pretty.
-%
-I never trust a man unless I've got his pecker in my pocket.
-		-- Lyndon B. Johnson
-
-I've got Hubert's pecker in my pocket.
-		-- Lyndon B. Johnson
-%
-I once had the wife of a Dean
-Seven times while the Dean was out skiin'.
-	She remarked with some gaiety,
-	"Not bad for the laiety,
-Though the Bishop once managed thirteen."
-%
-I once met a lassie named Ruth
-In a long distance telephone booth.
-	Now I know the perfection
-	Of an ideal connection
-Even if somewhat uncouth.
-%
-I once was annoyed by a queer
-Who made his intentions quite clear.
-	Said I, "I'm no prude,
-	So don't think me rude,
-But I'm already stewed, screwed, and tattooed."
-%
-I only date queers.
-		-- Bisexuality, 101
-		[I'm not queer, but my boyfriend is!  Ed.]
-%
-I own my own body, but I share.
-%
-I played over the music of that scoundrel Brahms.  What a giftless
-bastard!  It annoys me that this self-inflated mediocrity is hailed
-as a genius.  Why, in comparison with him, Riff is a genius.
-		-- Tchaikovsky, October 9, 1886, diary entry
-%
-I realize that today you have a number of top female athletes such as
-Martina Navratilova who can run like deer and bench-press Chevrolet
-trucks.  But to be brutally frank, women as a group have a long way to
-go before they reach the level of intensity and dedication to sports
-that enables men to be such incredible jerks about it.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
-%
-I regret to say that we of the F.B.I. are powerless to act in cases of
-oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate
-commerce.
-		-- J. Edgar Hoover
-%
-I shot a query into the net.
-I haven't got an answer yet,		A posted message called me rotten
-But seven people gave me hell		For ignoring mail I'd never gotten;
-And said I ought to learn to spell;	An angry message asked me, Please
-					Don't send such drivel overseas;
-A lawyer sent me private mail
-And swore he'd slap my ass in jail --	One netter thought it was a hoax:
-I'd mentioned Un*x in my gem		"Hereafter, post to net dot jokes!";
-And failed to add the T and M;		Another called my grammar vile
-					And criticized my writing style.
-Each day I scan each Subject line
-In hopes the topic will be mine;
-I shot a query into the net.
-I haven't got an answer yet...
-		-- Ed Nather
-%
-I think any man in business would be foolish to fool around
-with his secretary.  If it's somebody else's secretary, fine.
-		-- Barry Goldwater
-%
-I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell right in the ass.
-		-- Barry Goldwater
-%
-I think pop music has done more for oral intercourse than anything else
-that has ever happened, and vice versa.
-		-- Frank Zappa
-%
-I think the Mormon prophet
-Was a very funny man.
-I wonder how his wives enjoyed
-His Prophet Sharing Plan.
-%
-I thought Jackie O. was something you did in the bathroom.
-		-- Strange de Jim
-%
-I walked on toward Ploughwright, thinking about feces.  What a lot we
-had found out about the prehistoric past from the study of fossilized
-dung of long-vanished animals.  A miraculous thing, really; a recovery
-from the past from what was carelessly rejected.  And in the Middle
-Ages, how concerned people who lived close to the world of nature were
-with the feces of animals.  And what a variety of names they had for
-them:  the Crotels of a Hare, the Friants of a Boar, the Spraints of
-an Otter, the Werderobe of a Badger, the Waggying of a Fox, the Fumets
-of a Deer.  Surely there might be some words for the material so near
-to the heart of Ozy Froats [an academic studying feces] than shit?
-What about the Problems of a President, the Backward Passes of a
-Footballer, the Deferrals of a Dean, the Odd Volumes of a Librarian,
-the Footnotes of a Ph.D., the Low Grades of a Freshman, the Anxieties
-of an Untenured Professor?
-		-- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels"
-%
-I want a girl that can swallow my pride.
-		-- Frank Zappa, "Jewish Princess"
-%
-I want the same things all men do, Rice Krispies and some sucking.
-		-- Dudley Moore
-%
-I was 15 years old before I found out that "damn yankee" was two words.
-%
-I was a cock-teaser at Rooster Rama.
-I used to enrage the bantams before the big bouts.
-		-- The Firesign Theatre
-%
-I was having sex just the other night, but she hung up.
-%
-I was on vacation in Greece last summer, and was being driven round an island
-by a Greek cab-driver.  He was a friendly man, and as we drove, he told me
-about various historic and scenic places he had been involved with.
-	"See the entrance to that church over there?  I built that with my
-two sons.  But do they call me `Dimitri the church builder?'  Do they hell!"
-	As we passed a dam, he said, "See that dam?  Four of us built that
-dam by ourselves!  But do they call me `Dimitri the dam builder?'  Hell, no!"
-	As we passed a beautiful cottage, Dimitri started up again -- "See
-that house?  I built that for my wife with my own two hands!  But do they
-call me `Dimitri the home builder?'  No!  But just one little sheep!"
-%
-I went to a wild party last night.  I tell ya, it was so wild, we played
-a new version of Russian roulette.  We passed around six girls and one
-of them had V.D.
-		-- Rodney Dangerfield
-%
-I wish I was a fascinating lady
-With a past that was cheap and a future that was shady
-I'd sleep all day and I'd work all night
-I'd live in a house with a little red light
-And once a month I'd take a small vacation
-And leave all the men to their imagination
-And once in a while I'd go all wild
-And have myself an illegitimate child
-I wish I were a fascinating lady
-Instead I'm the minister's child
-%
-I wish that my room had a floor;
-I don't so much care for a door,
-	But this walking around
-	Without touching the ground
-Is getting to be quite a bore!
-		-- Gelett Burgess
-%
-I wonder what my wife will want tonight;
-Wonder if the wife will fuss and fight?
-	I wonder can she tell
-	That I've been raising hell;
-Wonder if she'll know that I've been tight?
-
-My wife is just as nice as can be,
-I hope she doesn't feel too nice toward me.
-	For an afternoon of joy,
-	Is hell on the old boy,
-I wonder what the wife will want tonight!
-%
-I wooed a stewed nude in Bermuda,
-I was lewd, but my God! she was lewder.
-	She said it was crude
-	To be wooed in the nude--
-I pursued her, subdued her, and screwed her!
-%
-I would like to say, Mister Bunce,
-I'm a great connoisseur of hot cunts.
-	And in all my lewd life
-	I've met none like your wife,
-So why leave her to me, you big dunce?
-%
-I would like to suggest that you not use speed, and here's why:  it is
-going to mess up your heart, mess up your liver, your kidneys, rot out
-your mind.  In general this drug will make you just like your mother
-and father.
-		-- Frank Zappa
-%
-I wouldn't fuck her with your prick.
-%
-I wouldn't mind dying -- it's that business of having to stay dead that
-scares the shit out of me.
-		-- R. Geis
-%
-I'd like to give the world a hug
-And tell it jokes and stuff
-And pull its pants down to its knees
-And chase it through the rough
-
-Then tie it up with bonds and straps
-And search its purse for change
-Then leave it out at Moose Grin Hall
-With our cousin who's deranged ...
-		-- National Lampoon, to an old Coke commercial
-%
-I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on
-now.
-%
-I'd like to start a new religion.  One that doesn't use a dead young
-man as its logo.
-		-- Bill Cain, "Stand Up Tragedy"
-%
-I'd rather have fingers than toes,
-I'd rather have ears than a nose,
-	And a happy erection
-	Brought just to perfection
-Makes me terribly sad when it goes.
-%
-I'd walk a mile for a Camel, two for a hump.
-%
-If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing his hair.  If this doesn't
-work, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child.
-%
-If all these sweet young things were laid end-to-end, I wouldn't be a
-bit surprised.
-		-- Dorothy Parker
-%
-If anyone wants to trade a couple of centrally located, well-cushioned
-showgirls for an eroded slope 90 minutes from Broadway, I'll be on this
-corner tomorrow at 11 with my tongue hanging out.
-		-- S. J. Perelman
-%
-If being bi increases your chance of getting a date,
-does being poly increase your chance of getting dumped?
-%
-If clear thinking created sparks, we could safely store dynamite in
-James Watt's office.
-		-- Wayne Shannon, KRON-TV
-%
-If continence causes neurosis
-And intercourse causes thrombosis
-	I'd rather expire
-	Fulfilling desire
-Than live in a state of psychosis.
-%
-If girls are all sugar and spice, why do they taste like anchovies?
-%
-If God doesn't destroy San Francisco,
-He should apologize to Sodom and Gomorrah.
-%
-If God had meant for Texans to ski he would have made bullshit white.
-%
-If God had meant for us to have group sex, he'd have given us more organs.
-		-- Malcolm Bradbury
-%
-If God had wanted people to give blow
-jobs, he wouldn't have given them teeth.
-%
-If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had 10
-apostles.
-%
-If God hadn't intended man to eat pussy,
-would He have made it look like a taco?
-%
-If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals?
-%
-If Helen Keller is alone in a forest and falls, does she make a sound?
-%
-If I could reach, I'd never leave the house.
-		-- George Carlin
-%
-If I had a penis I'd wear it outside,
-In cafes and car lots, with pomp and with pride.
-If I had a penis I'd pamper it proper
-I'd stay in the tub and use me as the stopper.
-If I had a penis I'd take it to parties
-Stretch it and stroke it and shove it at smarties.
-I'd take it to pet shows and teach it to stay.
-I'd stuff it in turkeys on Thanksgiving Day.
-
-I'd rival my buddies in sportscars and stick shifts.
-I'd shower my spire with girlies and gifts.
-I'd peek around corners; I'd aim at my toilet;
-I'd poke it at foreigners and soap it and oil it.
-If I had a penis I'd run to my mother;
-Comb out the hair and compare it to brother.
-I'd lance her, I'd knight her, my hands would indulge...
-Pants would seem tighter and buckle and bulge.
-[Chorus]
-	A penis to plunder, a penis to push
-	'Cause one in the hand is worth one in the bush.
-	A penis to love me, a penis to share,
-	To pick up and play with when nobody's there.
-		-- Uncle Bonsai, "Penis Envy"
-%
-If it flies, floats or fucks, rent it, don't buy it.
-		-- Tommy Earl Bruner
-%
-If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
-		-- Rodney Dangerfield
-%
-If it's not one thing, it's a mother.
-%
-If Jesus Christ came to this town, people would say, great guy; terrible
-carpenter.
-		-- Gene Kirkwood, on Hollywood
-%
-If life's a piece of shit, Calculus III is the spoon.
-%
-If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.
-%
-If men couldn't fuck there'd be a bounty on their heads.
-%
-If only is was as easy to banish hunger by rubbing the belly as it is to
-masturbate.
-		-- Diogenes the Cynic
-%
-If Presidents don't do it to their wives, they do it to the country.
-		-- Mel Brooks
-%
-If Reagan is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question.
-%
-If someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would
-suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra.  But it is only
-fair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them in 1966,
-only two went back to women.
-		-- Mort Sahl
-%
-If the American dream is for Americans only, it will remain our dream
-and never be our destiny.
-		-- Ren'e de Visme Williamson
-%
-If they can't take a joke, then fuck 'em.
-If they can, then fuck 'em.
-%
-If thine eye offends thee, pluck it out.
-If thy dick offends thee, whack it off.
-%
-If women ran the military complex, would the missiles be shaped differently?
-%
-If you can believe ten impossible things before breakfast, then you
-should join
-
-		THE CHURCH OF COUNTERFACTUAL BELIEF
-
-The Church of Counterfactual Belief has been set up to cater to all who
-don't allow demonstrable truth to get in the way of their beliefs.  In
-addition to creation science and the flatness of the earth, the
-following beliefs have been certified by Pope Duane as Church dogma:
-
-    --  That there is a hole in the Earth at the North Pole from which
-	UFOs come.
-    --  That pi equals precisely 3.000.
-    --  That sex can be enjoyed only by blacks and homosexuals.
-    --  That Billy Joe Wilson (Hoopla, Miss.) has successfully squared
-	the circle.
-    --  That Harry Truman is still president, and doing a fine job.
-    --  That pi equals precisely 22/7.
-
-Several other important counterfactual beliefs are presently being
-studied, including Reaganomics, A.I., and that the moon landings were
-done in a Hollywood special effects studio.  These will be the subject
-of a forthcoming Papal Bull ...
-%
-If you could get an erection, you would have no need for Emacs.
-%
-If you don't ride a camel to work, you ain't Sheeite.
-%
-If you find for your verse there's no call,
-And you can't afford paper at all,
-	For the true poet born,
-	However forlorn,
-There is always the lavat'ry wall.
-%
-If you guys have a beef with her, that's her problem.  Don't lay it on
-me.  The old lady has to take care of her own weight.
-		-- Herbie Sperling, convicted heroin dealer, on being
-		   arrested for narcotics possession at his mother's house.
-%
-If you live in New York, even if you're Catholic, you're Jewish.
-		-- Lenny Bruce
-%
-If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody
-in the whole wide world, don't trust him.  It means he experiments.
-%
-If you think sex is a pain in the ass, try a different position.
-%
-If you were attacked by a homosexual, would you beat him off?
-%
-If your thesis is utterly vacuous,
-Employ first-order predicate calculus.
-	With sufficient formality,
-	The sheerest banality,
-Will be hailed by all as miraculous!
-%
-If you're a real good kid, I'll give you a piggy-back ride on a
-buzz-saw.
-		-- W. C. Fields
-%
-If you're Catholic you've only got two choices: periodic
-abstinence and complete continence; (you know, rhythm and blues).
-%
-If you're going to break up with your old lady and you live in a small
-town, make sure you don't break up at three in the morning.  Because you're
-screwed -- there's nothing to do ... So make it about nine in the morning,
-... bullshit around, worry her a little, then come back at seven in the
-night.
-		-- Lenny Bruce
-%
-If you're gonna sleep with someone whose moral code may be written
-in Fortran for all you know, at least make sure there's an existing
-friendship of some sort to fall back on if things don't work out
-like one or the other of you planned.
-%
-If you're really into astrology, tell me, what happens
-when Mercury is in the Fish, and Jupiter enters the Virgin?
-%
-If you're speaking of actions immoral
-The how about giving the laurel
-	To doughty Queen Esther,
-	No three men could best her --
-One fore, and one aft, and one oral.
-%
-Ignorance is the Mother of Devotion.
-		-- Robert Burton
-%
-Il y a une jeune fille amoureuse
-D'un homme qu'a une conduite honteuse;
-	Il la mene chaque soir
-	A son caveau noir
-Et la bat avec plaintes crapuleuses.
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-Il y avait un jeune homme de dijon,
-Qui n'avait que peu de religion.
-	Il dit:"quant a' moi,
-	Je deteste tous les trois,
-Le pere, et le fils, et le pigeon-"
-%
-Il y avait un plombier, Francois,
-Qui plombait sa femme dans le Bois.
-	Dit-elle, "Arretez!
-	J'entends quelqu'un venait."
-Dit le plombier, en plombant, "C'est moi."
-%
-Il y avait une madame de Lahore
-Dont la figure n'etait la meilleure,
-	Mais la vagine tres forte,
-	Toujours ouverte la porte,
-Encore, et encore, et encore.
-%
-I'm a bisexual; I get it maybe twice a year.
-		-- Rodney Dangerfield
-%
-I'm a gay man trapped in a lesbian's body!
-		-- The Queer Gospels of Madonna the Sloppily Conceived
-%
-I'm a lover not a dancer!
-I'm a lover not a dancer!
-Don't want to be on my feet,
-When I can be on my back,
-Don't want to be on the floor,
-When I can be in the sack!
-I'm a lover not a dancer!
-I'm a lover not a dancer!
-I'm just a little bit tired
-If you know what I mean,
-Don't want to be in a crowd
-When I can be in a dream!
-I'm a lover not a dancer!
-Baby!
-And, baby, let me prove it to you,
-Baby, let me prove it to you!
-		-- Jim Steinman, "Dance in my Pants"
-%
-I'm against group sex because I wouldn't know where to put my elbows.
-		-- Martin Cruz Smith
-%
-I'm for peace -- I've yet to see a man wake up in the morning and say
-"I've just had a good war."
-		-- Mae West
-%
-I'm glad we don't have to play in the shade.
-		-- Golfer Bobby Jones on being told that it was 105 degrees
-		   in the shade.
-
-Very few blacks will take up golf until the requirement for plaid pants is
-dropped.
-		-- Franklyn Ajaye
-%
-I'm going to Iowa for an award.  Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall,
-it's sold out.  Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French
-government -- I'd give it all up for one erection.
-		-- Groucho Marx
-%
-I'm never through with a girl until I've had her three ways.
-		-- J.F. Kennedy
-%
-I'm not a pheasant plucker,
-I'm a pheasant plucker's son.
-I'm just a'plucking pheasants
-'Til the pheasant plucker comes.
-		-- The Irish Rovers
-%
-I'm not against women.  Not often enough, anyway.
-		-- NPR
-%
-I'm not laughing behind your back; everything funny is in front!
-		-- Rodney Dangerfield's wife
-%
-I'm So Miserable Without You It's Almost Like Having You Here
-		-- Song title by Stephen Bishop
-
-She Got the Gold Mine, I Got the Shaft
-		-- Song title by Jerry Reed
-
-When My Love Comes Back from the Ladies' Room Will I Be Too Old to Care?
-		-- Song title by Lewis Grizzard
-
-I Don't Know Whether to Kill Myself or Go Bowling
-		-- Unattributed song title
-
-Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through the Goal Posts of Life
-		-- Unattributed song title
-%
-I'm sorry I'm late folks, I just got out of jail.  I tried to change my
-girlfriend's name.  Yeah, I went down to the hall of records.  I said, "I'd
-like to change it... I'd like to change it to... LYING LITTLE BITCH!"
-		-- Sam Kinison
-%
-I'm unbuttoning your shirt, unzipping your jeans ...
-
-Oh, I can feel your fingers on the keys, baby,
-	I'm getting WARM ...
-
-I am getting there, oh yes,.  Oh, my. OH YES... OHHHH!
-	...!!!rrrrrgh!!!!!
-
-Honey, that was *really* terrific, but, next time,
-couldn't you please input a little SLOWER?
-%
-Immanuel Kant was a real pissant who was very rarely stable.
-Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar who could think you under the table.
-David Hume could out-consume Schopenhauer and Hegel,
-And Wittgenstein was a beery swine who was just as schloshed as Schlegel.
-There's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach ya 'bout the raising of the wrist.
-Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed!
-
-John Stuart Mill, of his own free will,
-On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill.
-Plato, they say, could stick it away, half a crate of whiskey every day.
-Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle,
-Hobbes was fond of his dram,
-And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart: "I drink, therefore I am".
-Yes, Socrates, himself, is particularly missed;
-A lovely little thinker but a bugger when he's pissed!
-		-- Monty Python, "The Philosopher's Drinking Song"
-%
-Impotent loser, n.:
-	Someone who can't even get his hopes up.
-%
-In 1953, Stalin dies.  The politburo holds a special meeting to decide
-what to do about the body.  Nobody will let it be buried near their home.
-Finally they decide:
-	"Aha!  Call Israel!  Offer them ten million rubels; they'll let us
-bury Stalin in Israel! Off goes the message and the politburo waits...
-Finally a telegram comes back:
-	"NO CHANCE STOP ONE RESURRECTION HERE ALREADY"
-%
-In a recent survey on why some men are homosexual, 82 percent of the gay
-chaps responding said that either genetics or home environment was the
-principal factor.  The remaining 18 percent revealed that they had been
-sucked into it.
-%
-In bed Dr. Oscar McPugh
-Spoke of Spengler -- and ate crackers too.
-	His wife said, "Oh, stuff
-	That philosophy guff
-Up your ass, dear, and throw me a screw!"
-%
-In Christianity neither morality nor religion come into contact with
-reality at any point.
-		-- Friedrich Nietzsche
-%
-In cosmetics, there's cases of revolutionary Venus Envy Hair Spray;
-Legette Hair Fastener Heat Bags; Lady O' Spain Self-Blinding Eye Shadow
-with Magic Puncture Pencil; Sanitary Napkin Rings in Little Miss, Moon
-Maid and Stuck Pig Strength; and deported Italian Napagel Balls for
-soaking or eating; and they're all slash-priced with the lady in mind...
-		-- The Firesign Theatre
-%
-In days of old, when knights were bold,
-	And rubbers weren't invented,
-They tied their socks around their cocks
-	And babies were prevented.
-%
-In Duluth there's a hostess, forsooth,
-Who doesn't know gin from vermouth,
-	But this lubricant lapse
-	Isn't noticed, perhaps
-Because nobody does in Duluth.
-%
-In France they piss on Main Street
-(In pissoirs, Mama, not cheap display).
-		-- Joni Mitchell
-%
-In light of the New Morality, Playboy Inc. is offering a new version of
-its magazine, for married men.  Every month it has the same centerfold.
-%
-In my sweet little Alice Blue gown
-Was the first time I ever laid down,
-	I was both proud and shy
-	As he opened his fly
-And the moment I saw it I thought I would die.
-
-Oh it hung almost down to the ground,
-As it went in I made not a sound,
-	The more that he shoved it
-	The more that I loved it,
-As he came on my Alice Blue gown.
-%
-In my sweet little night gown of blue,
-On the first night that I slept with you,
-	I was both shy and scared
-	As the bed was prepared,
-And you played peekaboo with my ribbons of blue.
-
-As we both watched the break of day,
-And in peaceful submission I lay,
-	You said you adored it
-	But dammit, you tore it,
-My sweet little night gown of blue.
-%
-In my world, there are people in chains and we can ride them like ponies.
-		-- Evil Willow, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Doppelgangland"
-		   Season 3, Episode 16
-%
-In outer space, nobody can hear you fart.
-%
-In regards to Oral Roberts' claim that God told him that he would die unless
-he received $20 million by March, God's lawyers have stated that their client
-has not spoken with Roberts for several years.  Off the record, God has stated
-that "If I had wanted to ice the little toad, I would have done it a long time
-ago."
-		-- Dennis Miller, SNL News
-%
-In the Garden of Eden sat Adam,
-Massaging the bust of his madam,
-	He chuckled with mirth,
-	For he knew that on earth,
-There were only two boobs and he had 'em.
-%
-In the romantic days of Warsaw, Viennese whores were known for their
-beauty and delicacy.  A gallant officer picked up one such lady of the
-evening, who took him to her apartment.  They made delicious love all
-evening before drifting to sleep in each others' arms.  In the morning
-the man dressed, staring into a full-length mirror.  The lady lay in her
-bed watching him.  Finally, she said softly,
-	"Didn't you forget something?"
-	"What did I forget?" asked the officer.
-	"You forgot about the money," said the lady.
-	"Oh, no," said the man, standing at ramrod attention.
-"A Polish officer never accepts money."
-%
-In the shade of the old apple tree
-Where between her fat legs I could see
-	A little brown spot
-	With the hair in a knot,
-And it certainly looked good to me.
-
-I asked as I tickled her tit
-If she thought that my big thing would fit.
-	She said it would do
-	So we had a good screw		In the shade of the old apple tree
-In the shade of the old apple tree.	I got all that was coming to me.
-						In the soft dewy grass
-I could hear the dull buzz of the bee		I had a fine piece of ass
-As he sunk his grub hooks into me.	From a maiden that was fine to see.
-	Her ass it was fine
-	But you should have seen mine
-In the shade of the old apple tree.
-%
-In the stands here I see a young couple who must be in love -- they're
-kissing on every pitch.  He's kissing her on the strikes, and she's
-kissing him on the balls.
-		-- Harry Caray, a Chicago sportscaster
-%
-Incest, n.:
-	Sibling revelry; a sport the whole family can enjoy.
-%
-Infatuation, n.:
-	When you're in love, there's a lump in your throat.
-	When you're infatuated, there's a lump in your pants.
-%
-====================
-Inter-Dwarf Memo
-To: Dwarf-list
-From: Doc
-Re: S. White
-
-	If that bitch cleans one more thermometer with Ajax, I'm gonna kill
-her.  I'll give her apples, nice big apples.  With surprises inside. Yeah,
-surprises.
-%
-====================
-Inter-Dwarf Memo
-To: Dwarf-list
-From: Happy
-Re: S. White
-
-	Let it be noted that if she whistles that goddamned song one
-more time I'm gonna rip her fuckin' lips off.  Have a nice day.
-%
-Is it just me, or does anyone else read "bible humpers" every time
-someone writes "bible thumpers?"
-		-- Joel M. Snyder, jms@mis.arizona.edu
-%
-Isn't it odd that people who object to "foul" language are always the
-fucking dickheads that need swearing at?
-%
-Israeli prime minister Shamir invited the Pope to play a round of golf.  Since
-the Pope hadn't the faintest of an idea how to play, he convened the college of
-cardinals to ask their advice.  "Call Arnold Palmer," they suggested, "make him
-a cardinal and let him play in your place.  Tell Shamir you couldn't make it."
-	Honored by His Holiness' request, Palmer agreed to represent him.
-When he returned from the match, the Pope asked him how he had done.  "I came
-in second," Palmer replied.
-	"You mean to tell me Shamir beat you?"
-	"No, Your Holiness.  Rabbi Nicklaus did."
-%
-It is a sad commentary on today's society that this fortune has to be
-classified as "offensive" simply because it contains the word "fuck".
-%
-It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and
-it's a pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight
-into the sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color.
-		-- Voltaire
-%
-It is better to have a positive Wasserman than never to have loved at all.
-%
-It is better to have Uranus in Cancer than to have Cancer in Uranus.
-%
-It is considered normal to consecrate virginity in the
-general and lust for its destruction in the particular.
-%
-It is far better to sleep with an old hen than pullet.
-%
-It is impossible to obtain a conviction for sodomy from an English jury.
-Half of them don't believe that it can physically be done, and the other
-half are doing it.
-		-- Winston Churchill
-%
-It is not true that life is one damn thing after another -- it is one
-damn thing over and over.
-		-- Edna St. Vincent Millay
-%
-It is not wise to make love more than once in the morning.
-You never know who you'll meet later in the day.
-%
-It is one of the superstitions of the human mind
-to have imagined that virginity could be a virtue.
-		-- Voltaire
-%
-It is only the man whose intellect is clouded by his sexual impulse that
-could give the name of the fair sex to that undersized, narrow-shouldered,
-broad-hipped, and short-legged race.
-		-- Schopenhauer
-%
-It is recounted that at King's College in the Strand around the time of the
-war, the Chief of Services would inevitably begin the year's rounds by
-teaching "a singularly important principle of medicine."  He asked a nurse
-to fetch him a sample of urine.  He then talked at length about Diabetes
-mellitus. "Diabetes," he said, "is a greek name; but the Romans noticed that
-the bees like the urine of diabetics, so they added the word mellitus which
-means sweet as honey.  Well, as you know, you may find sugar in the urine
-of a diabetic ..."
-	By now the nurse had returned with a sample of urine which the
-registrar promptly held up like a trophy.  We stared at that straw-colored
-fluid as if we had never seen such a thing before.  The registrar then
-startled us.  He dipped a finger boldly into the urine, then licked his
-finger with the tip of his tongue.  As if tasting wine, he opened and closed
-his lips rapidly.  Could he perhaps detect a faint taste of sugar?  The sample
-was passed on to us for an opinion.  We all dipped a finger into the fluid,
-all of us foolishly licked that finger.
-	"Now," said the Registrar grinning, "You have learnt the first
-principle of diagnosis.  I mean the power of observation."  We were baffled.
-We stood near the sluice room outside the ward, and in the distance, some
-anonymous patient was explosively coughing. "You see," the registrar said
-continuing triumphantly, "I dipped my MIDDLE finger into the urine, but
-licked my INDEX finger -- not like all you chaps.
-%
-It is very difficult to look at the possibility of lesbian sheep because
-if you are a female sheep, what you do to solicit sex is to stand still.
-Maybe there is a female sheep out there really wanting another female,
-but there's just no way for us to know it.
-		-- Anne Perkins, in her study of sexuality in sheep.
-%
-It may not be funny, but it's damned amusing!
-%
-It must be admitted that we English have sex on the brain, which is a
-very unfortunate place to have it.
-		-- Malcolm Muggeridge
-%
-It says he made us all to be just like him.  So if we're dumb, then
-god is dumb, and maybe even a little ugly on the side.
-		-- Frank Zappa
-%
-It seems that a rabbi, a priest and a minister decided to go fishing one
-sunny afternoon.  All three climbed into the boat and headed for the middle
-of the lake.  After several hours of relaxation, the minister decided that
-"nature was calling", and climbed out of the boat and walked ashore.  In
-a few moments, he walked back out to the boat and climbed back in.
-	The rabbi was absolutely astonished, but decided not to mention
-the apparent miracle.
-	A few minutes later, the priest also decided to go ashore for a
-moment, and climbed out of the boat, walked to shore, and a few minutes
-later came back.
-	By now the rabbi was in great distress and had begun to doubt his
-beliefs and wonder if there might be some validity to the Christian
-teachings.  But he immediately reaffirmed the fact that his faith WAS JUST
-AS STRONG as either the priest's or the minister's and decided that anything
-they could do, with God's help, he could do as well.
-	The rabbi then announced that he needed relief and would walk to
-shore.  He climbed out of the boat and went straight to the bottom of the
-lake.  While the rabbi was thrashing about in the water, the priest turned to
-the minister and said, "So... do you think we ought to tell him where the
-rocks are?"
-%
-It seems that a Scotsman and an Irishman walked into a bar.  The Scot
-immediately singled out the bartender and proclaimed that drinks were
-on the house, and that he expected him to serve only his best.  The next
-day, the headlines read: Irish Ventriloquist Beaten to Death Behind Bar.
-%
-It seems that John gets this phone call:
-	"Hello," he answers.  The voice on the other end of the line
-is hard and cold.
-	"This is Susan," he hears.  "We met at a party a few months
-ago.
-	"Of course, Susan!", John replies.  "How are you?"
-	"Not very well.  Remember how after the party you took me home and
-we parked?  And you told me that I was a 'good sport'?  Well, I'm pregnant
-and I'm going to kill myself tonight."
-	John is silent for a few moments, collecting his thoughts.  "Well,"
-he finally replies, "you sure *are* a good sport."
-%
-It seems that there was this Christian about to be thrown to the lions.  He
-was shoved into the middle of the arena and the lion was released.  Being
-a good Christian, as the lion approached he knelt and prayed, asking God for
-forgiveness for his (few) sins, and begging that the lion might be dissuaded
-from eating him for its breakfast.  Much to his dismay, the lion didn't stop
-but kept coming, getting faster and faster, now almost running, so the
-Christian took off too.  There they were, running around and around the arena,
-the lion getting closer and the Christian praying harder and harder between
-gasps for breath.  The lions breath was now hot upon his heels and he could
-even feel droplets of the lions saliva splashing on his bare feet.  So he
-pulled out all the stops, promising God that if the lion will only spare him,
-he will devote the rest of his life to spreading the Christian faith,
-forsaking all temptation and possessions.  Suddenly he no longer felt the
-lions breath, no longer heard the great beast's snarls close behind him.
-Slowing to a stop, he turned around and saw the lion on its knees, eyes rolled
-upward, paws held together.  The lion appeared to be muttering something so
-the Christian approached until he could make out what the lion was saying.
-	"Dear Lord, for what I am about to receive..."
-%
-It takes a brave man to admit his mistakes.
-Especially in a paternity hearing.
-%
-It takes leather balls to play rugby.
-	(Blood makes the grass grow!)
-%
-It takes little strain and no art
-To bang out an echoing fart.
-	The reaction is hearty
-	When you fart at a party,
-But the sensitive persons depart.
-%
-It used to be a man's world, and the woman's place was in the home.
-They can kiss that shit goodbye.
-%
-It was a female that drove me to drink
-and I didn't even have the kindness to thank her.
-		-- R.E. Baber
-%
-It was a Roman who said it was sweet to die for one's country.  The
-Greeks never said it was sweet to die for anything.  They had no vital
-lies.
-		-- Edith Hamilton, "The Greek Way"
-%
-It was a warm, sunny Sunday, and a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo.
-They spent the day, and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage, and
-the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife.  "That gorilla is getting
-excited just looking at your tits," he said.  "Why don't you take your blouse
-off and we'll see what he does?"
-	At first she refused.  But finally persuaded by her husband, she took
-off her blouse and bra.  The gorilla went nuts.  He started grunting and
-jumping up and down.
-	"Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind.  Take off all
-your clothes and we'll see what he does."
-	Again she said no and again he persuaded her.  This time the ape
-really went bananas!  He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around
-in circles and tossed his food all over the cage.  The husband went over to
-the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in.
-	"Now," said the husband, "tell that motherfucker you have a headache!"
-%
-It was almost closing time when a male patron who had been getting the
-frosty treatment from a girl at the end of the bar called to the
-bartender and said, "Give that bitchy douche bag over there one on me."
-	"We discourage that sort of language here, sir," the bartender
-answered sternly.
-	"OK, OK. Serve the lady a cocktail with my compliments."
-	The bartender approached the female in question.  "The, uh, gentleman
-at the other end of the bar would like to buy you a drink, miss.  What would
-you like?"
-	"Vinegar and water."
-%
-It was at the eighth annual mouse convention and mice from near and far had
-gathered for the ball.  A pretty little female mouse waltzed by the stag
-line and one of the males whistled a low, dirty whistle to himself.
-Turning to  another mouse he said, "Look at the legs on that bitch, aren't
-they beautiful?"
-	"Just fair," was the answer.
-	"You're crazy," said the first mouse and then turning to another,
-asked his opinion.
-	"They're nice," said the third mouse, "but nothing to get excited
-about."
-	"Some mice have no appreciation," exclaimed the first mouse.  "Now
-you," he said to a fourth mouse, "what did you think?"
-	"To tell you the truth," was the reply, "I'm no authority on legs;
-I'm a tit mouse myself."
-%
-It was his third marriage and her fourth.  He was quite surprised when on
-their honeymoon she pleaded, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
-	"Darling, what do you mean you're still a virgin?  You've been
-married three times."
-	"Yes, but they all worked for DEC.  The first was a salesman,
-and all he ever did was promise how good it would be.  The second was one
-of their software hacks, he told me to take care of it myself.  And the
-third was a field service representative, and he kept promising that it
-would be up in 15 minutes.
-%
-It was New Year's Eve and the house was brightly decorated with holiday
-trappings.  The only sound that broke the quiet was the click of Grandma's
-knitting needles.  The children; Jane, eight and Mary, five, were seated
-in front of a cheerily burning fire, leafing through a picture book.
-Tiring of this, they went over to Grandma's rocker.  Jane climbed up on
-the arm of the chair and Mary snuggled into Grandma's cozy lap.
-	"Tell us a story," begged Mary.
-	"Oh," said the old lady, laying aside her knitting and wrapping
-her arms around the children.  "What story should I tell you?"
-	"Tell us our favorite story," whispered little Jane eagerly.
-"About the time you were a hooker in Chicago."
-%
-It was on the tip of my tongue to tell them about the deer, but I ended up
-not doing it.  That was one thing I kept to myself.  I've never spoken or
-written of it until just now, today.  And I have to tell you that it seems
-a lesser thing written down, damn near inconsequential.  But for me it was
-the best part of that trip, the cleanest part, and it was a moment I found
-myself returning to, almost helplessly, when there was trouble in my life --
-my first day in the bush in Vietnam, and this fellow walked into the clearing
-where we were with his hand over his nose and when he took his hand away there
-was no nose there because it had been shot off; the time the doctor told us
-our youngest son might be hydrocephalic (he turned out just to have an
-oversized head, thank God); the long crazy weeks before my mother died.  I
-would find my thoughts turning back to that morning, the scuffed suede of
-her ears, the white flash of her tail.  But eight hundred million Red Chinese
-don't give a shit, right?  The most important things are the hardest to say,
-because words diminish them.  It's hard to make strangers care about the
-good things in your life.
-		-- Stephen King, "The Body"
-%
-It was the first day of a new term at Princeton, and a Texas A&M freshman
-was learning his way around the campus.  Stopping a distinguished looking
-upperclassman, he inquired,
-	"Say, buddy, can you tell me where the library is at?"
-	"My good fellow," came the reply, "at Princeton we do not end our
-sentences with a preposition."
-	"All right," said the freshman, "can you tell me where the library
-is at, asshole?"
-%
-It was this guy's first day in the penitentiary; he was in a cell with a
-huge burley inmate, and he was pretty nervous.  At lights-out, the inmate
-jumped out of his bunk, and, turning to our hero, said, "We're going to
-have sex!  You want to be the Mommy or the Daddy?"
-	A very terrified hero managed to squeak out, "Uh, well, uh, I guess
-I'll be the Daddy."
-	"OK," smiled his roommate, "get down here and suck your Momma's dick!"
-%
-It's a bit hard to bullshit the ocean.  It's not listening, you know
-what I mean.
-		-- David Crosby
-%
-It's a bitch being butch.
-%
-It's a funny thing that when a woman hasn't got anything
-on earth to worry about, she goes off and gets married.
-%
-It's a question of Napoleon brandy versus Ripple.
-I am mellow and amber and I go down real smooth.
-		-- Rita Moreno, commenting in Newsweek on the sex appeal
-		   of older women versus younger women
-%
-"It's always the same," the girl sighed to her roommate after returning
-in the wee, small hours.  "Afterward, I feel so compromised, so cheap, so
-soiled... so absolutely wonderful from head to toe!"
-%
-It's been so long since I made love I can't even remember who
-gets tied up.
-		-- Joan Rivers
-%
-It's better to be pissed off than pissed on.
-%
-It's hard to keep a good girl down -- but lots of fun trying.
-%
-It's midnight.  The old man is awake, nervously pacing the floor, as his
-20-year-old son comes in.
-
-	"Whatta you mean?  You staya out alla night, you runna around widda
-bums.  Whatta you trying to do?"
-	"Papa, don't talk like that," replies the boy.
-	"Who-a you, tella me notta talka like that?  You no work, you
-chase-a bad women, whatta become of you?"
-	"Papa, *please* don't talk like that."
-	"Don'ta talka like that?  Whatta you mean?  Why shouldn't I talka
-likka that?"
-	"Papa, we're not Italian."
-%
-It's not a sin not to be Irish, but it is a great shame.
-		-- Sean O'Huiginn
-%
-It's not pretty being easy.
-%
-It's not the ups and downs of love, it's the ins and outs.
-%
-It's so fuckin' great to be alive!
-%
-It's the sighs that count.
-%
-I've been feeling kind of jealous,
-Of all them well-hung fellas,
-Like Michael, Rod, and Mick.		It would have to be a big one,
-Tell me, Doctor can you mend me?	A giant, horny love gun,
-I've a case of penis envy --		To let me be a jock.
-If I only had a dick.			Girls would never beg my pardon,
-					They would turn on to my hardon --
-					If I only had a cock.
-Oh, I can tell you now,
-The number of times I'd score,
-I could fuck girls like			I would not be just a housewife,
-	I never have before,		Living a little mouse-life
-And then I'd cum (wee!)			In days that drag out long.
-And fuck some more!			I would dance and I'd be merry
-					Life would be a ding-a-derry
-					If I only had a dong!
-		-- to "If I Only Had A Brain", The Wizard of Oz
-%
-I've been told that it's far more sensuous to have a woman leave something
-on rather than being totally nude.  Myself, I've always felt that the lights
-were more than enough.
-%
-I've been watching you closely to see if you have been good this year;
-and since you have, I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me
-to leave under your tree on Christmas.  I was going to bring you all the
-gifts from the twelve days of Christmas, but we had a little problem up here.
-The twelve fiddlers fiddling have all come down with V.D. from fiddling with
-the ten ladies dancing, the eleven lords-a-leaping have knocked up the eight
-maids-a-milking, and the nine pipers piping have been arrested for doing
-weird things to the seven swans-a-swimming and the six geese-a-laying.  The
-four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves, and the partridge
-in the pear tree have me up to my ass in birdshit.  On top of all this, Mrs.
-Claus is going through menopause, eight of my reindeer are in heat, the elves
-have joined gay liberation, and those dumb ass Polacks have scheduled
-Christmas for the fifth of February.  I'll do what I can.
-		Sincerely,
-		Santa
-%
-I've finally found the perfect girl,
-I couldn't ask for more,
-She's deaf and dumb and over-sexed,
-And owns a liquor store.
-%
-I've got my ANSI C Reference book right here but it doesn't say anything
-about getting raped in the ass as part of the official C language (maybe
-I should get a C++ reference manual).
-		-- Deuce, Jerk City
-%
-I've had one child.  My husband wants to have another.  I'd like to
-watch him have another.
-		-- Rita Rudner
-%
-Jack an Jill went up the hill.
-Jill went down,
-Jack came.
-%
-Jack and Jill went up a hill
-To fetch a pail of water.
-Jack fell down and broke his crown	Jack on Jill produced a thrill
-And Jill came tumbling after.		When on the ground he got her,
-					Then went down and told the town
-					He tumbled Jill and gaffed her.
-Jack to Jill thus did such ill
-That Jill, to pay the rotter,
-Told the town Jack's crown broke down	Jack and Jill have split the bill
-When he set out to shaft her.		Since Jack led Jill to totter.
-					Half the town deals Jill a frown
-					And half greets Jack with laughter.
-%
-Jack and Jill went up the hill
-Each had a buck and a quarter.
-Jill came down with two-fifty
-That fuckin' whore.
-		-- Andrew "Dice" Clay
-%
-Jack be nimble, Jack be quick.
-Jack jumped over the candle stick,
-And burnt his balls.
-%
-Jack be nimble, Jack be quick,
-Jack jumped over the candle stick.
-But Jack wasn't so nimble,
-Jack wasn't so quick,
-So Jack's in the hospital, with a burned up dick!
-%
-Jehovah is an alien and still threatens this planet!
-%
-Jesus died for your sins.  Make it worth his time.
-%
-Jesus has just stopped the crowd from stoning Mary Magdalene to death
-and is berating the self-pious with the famous speech, "Let the one
-among you who is without sin cast the first stone..."
-	Right about then, a rock comes winging through the air and hits
-Jesus upside the head.  He whirls around and shouts "Alright, Mom, c'mon!
-I'm trying to make a point, here!"
-%
-Jesus loves you, but everybody else thinks you're a dork.
-%
-Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.
-		-- Michael O'Donohugh
-%
-Jesus Never Fails
-
-(He's never taken the Massachusetts Bar Exam, either.)
-%
-Jesus saves... but Gretzky gets the rebound!
-		-- Daniel Hinojosa
-%
-Jesus Saves,
-Moses Invests,
-But only Buddha pays Dividends.
-%
-Jesus was killed by a Moral Majority.
-%
-Jews always know two things: suffering and where to find great Chinese food.
-		-- From the movie "My Favorite Year"
-%
-Jimmy Carter, Ted Kennedy, Gary Hart, Joseph Biden and Michael Dukakis were
-on a cruise down the Potomac when the ship struck a rock and began to sink.
-	"Gentlemen," Carter said, "as good Christians, we should let the
-women and children aboard the lifeboats first."
-	"Fuck the women!" Kennedy shouted.
-	"Do we have time?" Hart asked.
-	"Do we have time?" Biden asked.
-	"Did everyone hear that?" Dukakis asked.
-%
-Joan of Arc is alive and medium well.
-%
-John Birch Society:
-	That pathetic manifestation of organized apoplexy.
-		-- Edward P. Morgan
-%
-John Paul II is famous for his touring, and his quaint habit of pressing
-his lips to foreign soil on his arrival.  This sparked some wit to remark:
-	"The Pope has it backwards: he kisses the ground, and walks on
-the women!"
-%
-Johnny Carson's Observation on Geriatrics:
-	Sex in the sixties is great, but it improves if you pull
-	over to the side of the road.
-%
-Just go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you get
-a prompt, type like hell.
-%
-Just once I would like to persuade the audience not to wear any article of
-blue denim.  If only they could see themselves in a pair of brown corduroys
-like mine instead of this awful, boring blue denim.  I don't enjoy the sky
-or sea as much as I used to because of this Levi character.  If Jesus Christ
-came back today, He and I would get into our brown corduroys and go to the
-nearest jean store and overturn the racks of blue denim.  Then we'd get
-crucified in the morning.
-		-- Ian Anderson, of Jethro Tull
-%
-Kansas, where the men are men, the sheep
-are scared and the women are grateful.
-%
-Kasha, n.:
-	Kasha is always defined as "buckwheat groats".  There's only
-	one problem with this definition: what the fuck are "buckwheat
-	groats"?  *_I* know what they are -- they're kasha.  But that
-	doesn't help *_y_o_u* much.
-		-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
-%
-Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College:
-	Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex for the students,
-	and parking for the faculty.
-%
-Kill a commie for Christ!
-%
-King Louis gave a lesson in class,
-One time while enjoying a lass.
-	When she used the word "Damn"
-	He rebuked her: "Please ma'am,
-Keep a more civil tongue in my ass."
-%
-Kissing, petting, and even intercourse are all right as long as they are
-sincere.  I have never given a kiss in my life that wasn't sincere.  As
-for intercourse, I'd say three times a day was about right.
-		-- Margaret Sangor
-%
-Kitten with a whip,	Teddy bear in chains,	Puss in leather boots,
-tail, swish swish,	spread on a bed;	rising thigh high;
-take what you will,	fantasy games,		black rubber suits;
-get what you wish.	deep in your head.	making him cry.
-
-Squirm from the blows,	Now pussy's all hot,	Teddy bear sighs;
-writhe from the pain;	from the power trip;	kitty's on top;
-but teddy bear knows,	ready or not,		there's fire in her eyes,
-that he wants it again.	next swing's from	and the cat won't stop.
-				the hip.
-
-The world explodes,	Teddy's still tied;	Kitten with a whip,
-her claws dig in;	lying all alone;	tail, swish swish,
-then kitty cat goes,	even if he tried,	take what you will,
-cause she's through	he couldn't go home.	get what you wish.
-	with him.
-		-- Kitten With A Whip
-%
-Knowledge Engineering:
-
-A combination of:
-
-Engineering, n.:
-	The application of science and mathematics by which the properties
-of matter and the sources of energy in nature are made useful to man in
-structures, machines, products, systems and processes.
-
-and
-
-Knowledge, n.:
-	Sexual intercourse.
-
-See also: Prostitution, Grantsmanship.
-%
-Konrad Lorenz, the great animal behaviorist, was scrupulous about cultivating
-fruitful confusion.  Lorenz lived among his research subjects:  dozens of
-species of mammals, birds, reptiles, and fishes.  He did not quantify, control,
-or consciously experiment.  He got to know each creature individually, then
-threw them together, watching for the unexpected, the unusual, or the bizarre
-in the chaos that followed.  For example, his interest in one of ethology's
-most important concepts, that of intention movements (motions with meaning,
-such as the head bobbing in birds that serves as an alarm signal before
-flight), derived from an inadvertent experiment.  He had trained a free-flying
-raven to eat raw meat from his hand and had been feeding the bird for several
-hours one day.  He would reach into his pants pocket and take out a piece of
-meat, and the raven would swoop down to grab it in its bill.  By and by, Lorenz
-went to relieve himself near a hedge.  When the raven saw him put his hand
-into his pants and pull out another morsel of meat, it swooped down, hungrily
-grasping the new mouthful in its bill.  Lorenz howled in pain.  But the event
-left a deep impression on him -- about how faithfully animals respond to
-intention movements, that is.
-		-- The Sciences, May/June, 1988, N.Y. Academy of Science
-%
-Kotex, n.:
-	Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best.
-%
-Kumquat, n.:
-	Any of several small citrus fruits with sweet spongy rind and
-	somewhat acidic pulp that are used chiefly for preserves.
-	Extremely popular in some forms of sexual intercourse.  In fact,
-	an early indication that your partner is willing to experiment
-	sexually may be a rather insistent moaning of "kumquat, kumquat"
-	during orgasm.
-
-	Note: this is *not* to be confused with a warning from your
-	partner that his/her parents are upstairs and probably awake.
-%
-Labia majora, n.:
-	The curly gates.
-%
-Lady to Golf Pro: "I was stung by bees on your golf course!"
-Pro:	"Ummm, well, where?"
-Lady:	"Between the 1st and 2nd holes."
-Pro:	"That's going to real tough to treat."
-%
-Lagnaf, n.:
-	Let's All Get Naked And Fuck!
-%
-Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if each acts like a vulture,
-all will end as doves.
-%
-Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone.
-%
-"Last night,"  said a lassie named Ruth,
-"In a long-distance telephone booth,
-	I enjoyed the perfection
-	Of an ideal connection --
-I was screwed, if you must know the truth."
-%
-Last week I saw a girl in a sweater so tight I could hardly breathe.
-%
-Lawyer, n.:
-	Someone who can get a sodomy charge changed to "following too
-	closely."
-%
-Lawyers do it to everyone.
-%
-Left a good broad by the river,
-Traveled back into town just to get some rest!
-Waited for 10 hours,
-Went back to the river,
-But I couldn't get her out of that mess!
-
-chorus:
-	Poor Mary Jo Kopechne,
-	Dead Mary Jo Kopechne,
-	Rollin'... rollin'... rollin' down the window!
-
-If you're gonna run for office,
-And you know that it's an election year.
-Don't go in the river,
-'Specially by way of bridges,
-It could put an end to your political career!
-(chorus)
-		-- Poor Mary Jo, to the tune of "Proud Mary"
-%
-Lemme show ya the odds, Sparky...  In yer country, ya got 14 million
-black people, and 3 million white people.  Now, does the name "Custer"
-mean anything to you?
-		-- Robin Williams, portraying Lester Maddox talking to
-		   Prime Minister Botha of South Africa.
-%
-Les salons de la ville de Trieste
-Sont vaseux, suraigus, at funestes;
-	Parmi les grandes chaises
-	On cause des malaises,
-Des estropiements, et des pestes.
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-Let a Field Service Engineer put it in.
-%
-LET Jesus be YOUR anchor!
-
-So when Satan rocks your boat, THROW Jesus overboard!
-%
-Liberace was at heaven's gate when Saint Peter told him that he'd been
-disqualified from entering.
-	Stunned, Liberace asked, "Why?"
-	"Our records show that you once ate a parakeet," Saint Peter answered.
-	"I never did that," Liberace replied.  "Can't you check your records?
-They *must* be wrong!"
-	"It says right here that on August 15, 1981, you ate a chartreuse
-parakeet with black trim."
-	"Hey, listen, you must be thinking of Ozzy Osbourne, " Liberace
-replied. "Now, I might have had a cockatoo..."
-%
-LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
-	You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with
-	reality.  If you are a man, you are more than likely gay.
-	Chances for employment and monetary gains are excellent.  Most
-	Libra women are prostitutes.  All Libra people die of venereal
-	disease.
-%
-Lick-a-dee-clit!
-%
-Life is a bitch, but the puppies can be cute.
-%
-Life is a shit sandwich, and every day you get to take another bite.
-It's just that some days are TWO BITE days ...
-%
-Life is having a mother-in-law that sucks and a wife that don't.
-		-- Rodney Dangerfield
-%
-Life is like a cucumber -- one moment it's
-in your hand, the next it's up your ass.
-%
-Life is like a penis: when it's soft you can't beat it, and when it's
-hard you get fucked.
-%
-Life is like a shit sandwich.  The more bread
-you have, the less shit you have to eat.
-%
-Life is not a cabaret.
-It's a fucking circus.
-%
-Life isn't a bitch.  Life is a virgin.  A bitch is easy.
-%
-Like private parts to the Gods are we,
-they play with us for their sport.
-		-- Lord Melchett (Blackadder 2)
-%
-Limericks are art forms complex,
-Their topics run chiefly to sex.
-	They usually have virgins,
-	And masculine urgin's,
-And other erotic effects.
-%
-Lipstick on your dipstick told a tale on you,
-Lipstick on your dipstick said you were untrue.
-Bet your bottom dollar you and I are through,
-'Cause lipstick on your dipstick told a tale on you.
-		-- To the tune of "Lipstick On Your Collar"
-%
-Lisp hackers
-	... do it in CARS.
-	... do it with tail recursion.
-	... first do it in the front, then do it in the back.
-	... have DEFUN while doing it.
-	... have Moby dicks.
-%
-Lisp hackers have to be bound (to-do 'it) ...
-%
-Lisp programmers do it deeper and deeper and deeper.
-%
-Little Boy Blue -- He needed the money.
-		-- Andrew "Dice" Clay
-%
-LITTLE DEATH: (la petite mort) Some women do indeed pass right out, the
-'little death' of French poetry.  Men occasionally do the same.  The
-experience is not unpleasant, but it can scare an inexperienced partner
-cold.  A friend of ours had this happen with the first girl he ever slept
-with.  On recovery she explained, "I am awfully sorry, but I always do that."
-By then he had called the police and an ambulance.  So there is no cause
-for alarm, any more than over the yells, convulsions, hysterical laughter,
-or sobbing, or any of the other quite unexpected reactions that go along
-with complete orgasm in some people.  By contrast others simply shut their
-eyes, but enjoy it no less.  Sound and fury can be a flattering testimony
-to a partners skills, but a fallacious one, because they don't depend on the
-intensity of feeling, nor it upon them.
-		-- The Joy of Sex
-%
-Little Herbie had been blind since birth.  One day at bedtime, his mother
-told him that the next day was a very special one.  If he prayed extra
-hard, he'd be able to see when he woke up the next morning.  The next
-morning she came into Herbie's room and asked him if he'd prayed hard
-the night before.
-	"Yes, Mommie," was his reply, "all night long!"
-	"Well, then," she said, "open your eyes and you'll know that
-your prayers have been answered."
-Little Herbie opened his eyes, only to cry out,
-	"Mother! Mother! I still can't see!"
-	"I know, dear," said his mother, "April Fool."
-%
-Little Johnny with a grin,
-Drank up all of daddy's gin,
-Mother said, when he was plastered,
-Go to bed, you little love-child.
-%
-Little known facts: the dirtiest words used on television during the
-1950's were uttered by June Cleaver.
-	"Gee, Ward, weren't you a little hard on the Beaver last night?"
-%
-Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
-Eating her curds and whey.
-Along came a spider,
-And bit her right in the snatch.
-%
-Little Miss Muffet, sat on a tuffet,
-Eating her curds and whey.
-Along came a spider,
-Who sat down beside her,
-And said, "Hey, what's in the bowl, bitch?"
-		-- Andrew "Dice" Clay
-%
-Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
-Her knickers all tattered and torn.
-For it wasn't a spider that sat down beside her,
-But Little Boy Blue with his horn!
-%
-Little Miss Muffet,
-Sat on her tuffet,
-Smoking some THC.
-Along came a narc'er who sat down beside her
-And said, "So... what's in the bag, bitch?!"
-%
-Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods on her way to visit
-her grandmother when a wolf jumped out from behind a tree.
-	"Aha!" the wolf said, "Now I've got you, and I'm going to eat you."
-	"Eat, eat, eat," said Little Red Riding Hood angrily,
-"Damn it, doesn't anybody fuck anymore?"
-%
-Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola.  What ain't
-fruits and nuts is flakes.
-%
-Long, long ago, in the Old West, a rancher rode into town to buy supplies.
-When he returned, he found that his whole family had been killed, his wife
-raped, his house burned, and all his cattle rustled.  When he told his
-distant neighbors about the tragedy, a few of them reported that the only
-stranger they had seen in the area for weeks was a tall desperado wearing a
-black hat and a red neckerchief.
-	The cowboy saddled his fastest horse and set out to find the villain.
-He searched for months but couldn't catch up with the culprit; in town after
-dusty town he was told that a man fitting the description had been there but
-had just departed; usually after some heinous crime.
-	One evening after a hard day's ride he came into a town, tied his
-horse, and entered the saloon.  At a table in the corner sat an ugly man,
-with a black hat and a red neckerchief!  Slowly the cowboy stalked up to
-this man, his hands resting upon his guns.
-	"Are you the man who killed my family, raped my wife, burned my
-house and rustled my cattle?"
-	"Probably; after so many, how can I be sure?" snarled the bandit.
-	"You better cut that shit out!"
-%
-Look out for yourself -- or they'll pee on your grave.
-		-- Louis B. Mayer
-
-The reason so many people showed up at Louis B. Mayer's funeral
-was because they wanted to make sure he was dead.
-		-- Samuel Goldwyn
-%
-Love comes in spurts.
-		-- Devo, "Please Please"
-%
-Love does not make the world go around, just up and down a bit.
-%
-Love is blind but desire doesn't give a good goddam.
-		-- James Thurber
-%
-Love is eating her even when she's not having her period.
-%
-Love is just for now ... herpes lasts forever.
-%
-Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin -- it's the triumphant
-twang of a bedspring.
-		-- S.J. Perelman
-%
-Love is two minutes and fifty-two seconds of squishy sounds.
-		-- Johnny Rotten
-%
-Love letters no longer they write us,
-To their homes they so seldom invite us.
-	It grieves me to say,
-	They have learned with dismay,
-We can't cure their "vulva pruritus."
-%
-Luser, n.:
-	Someone who picks up a female
-	hitch-hiker walking home from a date.
-%
-Ma Bell runs a baudy house.
-%
-Macho, adj.:
-	Jogging home from a vasectomy.
-%
-Male, n.:
-	Life support system for a cock.
-%
-Man in stall:
-	Hey, buddy?  Is there any toilet paper out there?
-Man at sink:
-	No, I don't see any.  Just a second...  Nope, none in
-	any of the other stalls either.
-A minute passes.
-Man in stall:
-	Say, buddy?
-Man at sink:
-	Yeah?
-Man in stall:
-	You got change for a ten?
-%
-Man who dance in crowded ballroom
-dance cheek to cheek with woman behind him.
-%
-Man who keep money in jockstrap has financial matters all balled up.
-%
-Man's lust for a bust is hardly recent,
-Some say not even indecent.
-But if you lust,
-It's a must!
-%
-Many a bachelor feels the need to insert his masculinity.
-%
-Many a man has decided to stay alive not because of the will to live, but
-because of the determination not to give assorted surviving bastards the
-satisfaction of his death.
-		-- Brendan Francis
-%
-Many a man has fallen in love with a girl in a light so dim he would
-not have chosen a suit by it.
-		-- Maurice Chevalier
-%
-Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the
-whole girl.
-		-- Stephen Leacock
-%
-Many a man who thinks he's going on a maiden voyage with
-a woman finds out later that it was just a shake-down cruise.
-%
-Many a sober Christian would rather admit that a wafer is God than that God
-is a cruel and capricious tyrant.
-		-- Edward Gibbon
-%
-Many a wife thinks her husband is the world's greatest lover.
-But she can never catch him at it.
-%
-Many a woman hasn't realized that she was raped until the check bounced.
-%
-Many nice things suck.
-%
-Marijuana is like Coors beer.  If you could buy the damn stuff
-at a Georgia filling station, you'd decide you wouldn't want it.
-		-- Billy Carter
-%
-Marlene wanted Joy to relent,
-She said, "AIDS is so hard to prevent.
-	If you want to get laid,
-	Then we'll have to tribade!"
-(But Joy didn't know what she meant.)
-%
-Marriage has driven more than one man to sex.
-		-- Peter De Vries
-%
-Marriage is like a bank account.  You put it in, you take it out,
-you lose interest.
-		-- Professor Irwin Corey
-%
-Mary had a little lamb,
-boy was the doctor surprised!
-%
-Mary had a little lamb,
-It's fleece as white as snow.
-It followed her to school one day,
-And got fucked by a big black dog.
-%
-Mary had a little lamb,
-She kept it in a bucket.
-And every time she let it out,
-The bulldog used to
-Chase it around the garden.
-%
-Mary had a little sheep,
-And with the sheep she went to sleep,
-The sheep turned out to be a ram,
-And Mary had a little lamb.
-%
-Mary had a little watch;
-She swallowed it one day.
-And so she took some Ex-Lax
-To pass the time away.
-
-But when she took the Ex-Lax
-The time it did not pass.
-So when you want to know the time,
-Just look up Mary's ...
-		Uncle, he has a watch, too.
-%
-Masturbation!  The amazing availability of it!
-		-- James Joyce
-%
-Masturbation, n.:
-	A self-service elevator.
-%
-Masturbation, n.:
-	Coming unscrewed.
-%
-Math is to physics like masturbation is to sex.
-%
-Mathematicians do it in groups.
-%
-Mathematicians do it in theory.
-%
-Mathematicians do it with a small, imaginary part.
-%
-Mathematicians take it to the limit.
-%
-May a deranged midget on a pogo stick
-take refuge in your sister's hoop skirt.
-%
-May a diseased yak take a liking to your sister.
-%
-May all the boys you fall in love with fall in love with boys themselves.
-%
-May all the girls you fall in love with fall in love with girls themselves.
-%
-May Allah blow sand in your Preparation H.
-%
-May the fairy god-camel leave a lump on your pillow!
-%
-Maybe if the guy who developed Twinkies hadn't had such a low
-opinion of himself they would have been an inch or two longer!
-%
-McCoy's a seducer galore,
-And of virgins he has quite a score.
-	He tells them, "My dear,
-	You're the Final Frontier,
-Where man never has gone before."
-%
-McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom:
-	If an item is advertised as "under $50",
-	you can bet your ass it's not $19.95.
-%
-McQuillan was on the stand. The case involved a railroad and several of
-the passengers who were injured.
-	"You say," thundered the counsel for the railroad, "that you saw
-the two trains crash head on while doing sixty miles an hour.  What did you
-think when you saw this happen?"
-	"I thought," replied the Irishman, "this is one *helluva* way to run
-a railroad."
-%
-Me father makes book on the corner,
-Me mother makes second hand gin,
-Me sister makes love for a dollar,
-And that's how the money rolls in!
-
-	Rolls in, rolls in, just look how the money rolls in!
-		(Rolls in!)
-	Rolls in, rolls in, just look how the money rolls in!
-
-Me father sells cheap prophylactics,
-Me mum pokes the tips with a pin,
-Me sister performs the abortions,
-And that's how the money rolls in!
-
-Me uncle's a poor missionary,
-He saves fallen women from sin.
-He'll save you a blonde for five dollars,
-And that's how the money rolls in.
-%
-Me, I love the rich.  *Somebody* has to love them.  Sure, a lot
-of rich people are assholes, but believe me, a lot of poor people
-are assholes too.  And an asshole with money can at least pay
-for his own drinks.
-		-- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
-%
-Meanwhile back at the oasis, the Ay-rabs wuz busy a-eatin' their dates!
-%
-Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Granny was a-beating off the Indians, but
-they jus' kept on a-comin'.  Back at the outhouse, things were a-pilin' up.
-And, as the U.S. Fourth Calvary mounted the hill, Tonto, cleverly disguised
-as a doorknob, came off in the Lone Ranger's hand.
-%
-Meet Elmer, young son of the Thorpes,
-Afflicted with psychotic warps.
-	His idea of fun
-	Is to bugger a nun,
-And then vomit all over the corpse.
-%
-Megaton Man:	"LOOK at them!  Helpless, tender creatures, relying on
-		ME, waiting for ME to make my move!"
-
-(from below):	"Move your ASS, Fat-head!"
-
-Megaton Man:	"It is a MANDATE, and I am DUTY BOUND to OBEY!"
-%
-Men -- can't live with 'em, can't leave
-'em by the curb when you're done.
-%
-Men have many faults,
-	Women only two:
-Everything they say,
-	And everything they do!
-%
-Men will fuck mud.
-		-- Lenny Bruce
-%
-Menage a trois, n.:
-	Using both hands to masturbate.
-%
-Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies.  Women's magazines
-also often feature pictures of naked ladies.  This is because the female
-body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy and lumpy and
-should not be seen by the light of day.
-		-- Richard Roeper, "Men and Women Are Different"
-%
-Men's skin is different from women's skin.  It is usually bigger, and it
-has more snakes tattooed on it.  Also, if you examine a woman's skin very
-closely, inch by inch, starting at her shapely ankles, then gently tracing
-the slender curve of her calves, then moving up to her ...
-
-	[EDITOR'S NOTE: To make room for news articles about important
-	 world events such as agriculture, we're going to delete the
-	 next few square feet of the woman's skin.  Thank you.]
-
-... until finally the two of you are lying there, spent, smoking your
-cigarettes, and suddenly it hits you: Human skin is actually made up of
-billions of tiny units of protoplasm, called "cells"!  And what is even more
-interesting, the ones on the outside are all dying!  This is a fact.  Your
-skin is like an aggressive modern corporation, where the older veteran cells,
-who have finally worked their way to the top and obtained offices with nice
-views, are constantly being shoved out the window head first, without so
-much as a pension plan, by younger hotshot cells moving up from below.
-		-- Dave Barry
-%
-Meteorologist, n.:
-	A man who can look in a woman's eyes and predict whether.
-%
-Mickey Mouse has a long talk one day with a psychiatrist, after which
-the psychiatrist interviews Minnie Mouse.  A few days later Mickey meets
-with the psychiatrist, and the following conversation ensues:
-
-Sigmund: I talked with Minnie after talking with you.
-Mickey:  Oh?
-Sigmund: I couldn't find anything wrong with her -- she isn't insane.
-Mickey:  Idiot!  I didn't say she was insane -- I said she was
-	 fuckin' Goofy.
-%
-Miguel Cervantes wrote Donkey Hote.  Milton wrote Paradise Lost, then his
-wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
-%
-Mind you, not as bad as the night Archie Pettigrew ate some sheep's
-testicles for a bet...  God, that bloody sheep kicked him!
-		-- Ripping Yarns
-%
-Miss Mona:	You know what burns my ass?
-Ed Earl:	What?
-Miss Mona:	A flame about three feet high!
-		-- Dolly Parton and Burt Reynolds,
-		   "The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas"
-%
-Missed the train at the railway station
-Oh hell, blast, and damnation!
-Asked a lady in there if she had the time,
-She said "Yes", and a strong inclination.
-%
-Missionary Position:
-	The missionary on top.
-%
-Mistress Mary, quite contrary,
-How does your garden grow?
-With silver bells and cockle shells,
-And one really fucked-up petunia.
-%
-Mistress, n.:
-	Something between a mister and a mattress.
-%
-Mixed emotions:
-	Watching your mother-in-law back off a cliff...
-	in your brand new Mercedes.
-%
-Montana:
-	Where men are men and women are sheep.
-%
-Moody bitch in search of...
-	kind, considerate, loving man.  Objective, love-hate relationship.
-%
-Moody bitch with attitude, seeks nice,
-good-looking guy to dump on.
-%
-Morris left for a two-day business trip to Chicago.  He was only a few
-blocks from his house, when he realized that he had left the airplane
-tickets on his bureau top.  He returned and quietly entered the house.
-His wife, in her skimpiest negligee, was standing at the sink washing
-the breakfast dishes.  She looked so inviting that he tiptoed up behind
-her, reached out, and squeezed her breast.
-	"Leave only one quart of milk," she said. "Morris won't be here
-for breakfast tomorrow."
-%
-Most legislators are so dumb that they couldn't pour piss out of a
-boot if the instructions were printed on the heel.
-%
-Most men would never get laid if it weren't for the pity fuck.
-%
-Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.
-		-- Frank Zappa
-%
-Most plain girls are virtuous because of the scarcity of opportunity
-to be otherwise.
-		-- Maya Angelou, "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings"
-%
-Most women look for a man who is tall, dark and hung some.
-%
-Motto of the Electrical Engineer:
-	Working computer hardware is a lot like an erect penis: it
-	stays up as long as you don't fuck with it.
-%
-Moustache rides, 50 cents.
-%
-Mr. Rection, Mr. Hugh G. Rection, please pick up a white courtesy telephone!
-%
-Mrs. Johnson had a very beautiful and intelligent parrot.  He had just one
-problem: He liked to fuck Mr. Hawkins' chickens.  Mrs. Johnson scolded him
-time and time again, but he would just laugh at her.  Finally, she told him
-that if he did it again, she would cut off all of the feathers on the top of
-his head.  Well, he resisted the urge for a week, but one day, he just
-couldn't resist going next door.  Besides, he figured she was bluffing.
-	Well, Mr. Hawkins came over, ranting and raving about how the parrot
-had been fucking his chickens again.  Mrs. Johnson didn't say a word, just
-took out her scissors and cut off all of the parrot's head feathers.
-	That night, Mrs. Johnson had a big party at her house.  Before it
-started, she took the parrot and put him on top of the piano by the front
-door.  "Since you disobeyed me today, you have to stay here on the piano
-tonight.  Now, don't you dare move."
-	Well, the parrot was pretty pissed off about having his head bare,
-and he wasn't too happy about having to spend the whole evening on the piano.
-Still, as he usually did, when the butler would announce the guests as they
-arrived, he would say hello to them.  Just then, two bald-headed men came to
-the door.
-	Before the butler could say anything, the parrot yelled, "Okay, you
-chicken-fuckers, up here on the piano with me!"
-%
-Mrs. Kelly is partial to cocks;
-Mr. Kelly likes rye on the rocks.
-	When he's under the weather
-	They can't get together,
-So others get into her box.
-%
-Murphy's Discovery:
-	Do you know Presidents talk to the country the way men talk
-	to women?  They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and
-	everything will be all right."  And what happens?  Nine
-	months later, you're in trouble!
-%
-Musing on her present and past professions as "dominant/sadomasochism
-fantasy fulfiller" and dental hygienist, Sybil said, "I couldn't really
-understand why I wanted to be a dental hygienist, but years later, after
-being in the SM world a long time, I figured it out:  I'm in uniform,
-they're not.  I'm standing up, they're lying down.  I'm doing painful
-things to them for their own good.  This is so ME."
-		-- The Daily Cal, September 29, 1992 In an article titled:
-		   "Kinky sex remains alive and whipping despite threat
-		    of AIDS, book reveals"
-%
-My advice to the women's clubs of America is to raise more hell and fewer
-dahlias.
-		-- William Allen White
-%
-My brother-in-law has found a way to make ends meet.  He goes around
-with his head stuck up his ass.
-%
-"My country, right or wrong," is a thing that no patriot would
-think of saying except in a desperate case.  It is like saying,
-"My mother, drunk or sober."
-		-- G. K. Chesterton
-%
-My daddy's brains was so scrambled he thought he was Jesus.  They put him
-in a nut house for 5 years and when he got out, he didn't think he was
-Jesus, he thought he was *God*! ... Which made me Jesus.
-		-- T. Bywater
-%
-My father was a creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my
-family, it seems, begins where yours left off.
-		-- Alexandre Dumas, pere
-%
-My girlfriend's favorite erotic position is bending over my credit cards.
-%
-My godda bless, never I see sucha people.
-		-- Signor Piozzi, quoted by Cecilia Thrale
-%
-My idea of a wild party is where you throw the girls' panties at the wall
-and they stick.
-		-- Johnny Bob
-%
-My mother didn't breast-feed me.  She said she liked me as a friend.
-		-- Rodney Dangerfield
-%
-My mother was a test tube; my father was a knife.
-		-- Friday
-%
-My mother-in-law broke up my marriage.  One day my wife
-came home early from work and found us in bed together.
-		-- Lenny Bruce
-%
-My mothers are wholly ignorant of the almost universal prevalence of secret
-vice, or self-abuse, among the young.  Why hesitate to say firmly and without
-quibble that personal abuse lies at the root of much of the feebleness,
-paleness, nervousness, and good-for-nothingness of the entire community?
-		-- Dr. J.H. Kellogg, "The Ladies Guide", Modern Medicine
-		   Publishing Company, 1895.  Dr. Kellogg helped invent
-		   corn flakes and peanut butter.  In addition to denouncing
-		   masturbation, he believed that smoking caused cancer and
-		   that certain ailments could be cured by rolling a
-		   cannonball on the stomach.
-%
-My reaction to porno films is as follows: After the first ten minutes, I
-want to go home and screw. After the first twenty minutes, I never want
-to screw again as long as I live.
-		-- Erica Jong
-%
-My sex life hasn't been so good; either fist or famine.
-%
-My travel agent's an Oxford chap
-Who rolls his eyes when he speaks.
-I asked him about the Isle of Man
-For a journey of about six weeks.
-And this is what he said to me
-As he looked me right in the eye,
-"For a far-out trip, try an ice cream dip
-Of Elephant Shit On Rye."
-
-A brand-new store just opened its door
-At the corner of 5th and Vine
-And I happened to be standing right outside
-When they turned on their neon sign.
-I heard a strange sound, I looked around,
-And that's when I almost died,
-They nearly knocked me down to be the first in town
-To get their Elephant Shit On Rye!
-%
-"My trip? It was vile. Balaclava
-I loathed.  Etna was crawling with lava.
-	The ship was all white
-	But it creaked in the night,
-And the band, they did not know la java."
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-My wife and I only smoke after sex.  I've had the same pack since 1967.
-She's up to three packs a day.
-		-- Rodney Dangerfield
-%
-My wife has breast cancer.  She told me to start dating.
-		-- Howard Stern
-%
-Naeser's Law:
-	You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it damnfoolproof.
-%
-Naked children are so perfectly pure and lovely.  I confess I do not admire
-naked boys.  They always seem to me to need clothes -- whereas one hardly
-sees why the lovely forms of girls should ever be covered up.
-		-- Lewis Carroll
-%
-Naked couple in bed, woman says to man:
-	"When I said I had a foot fetish, I was referring to cocks."
-%
-Nancy Reagan wants to divorce old Ron...
-seems he's making it hard for everyone but her.
-%
-National Sex Week -- don't let your meat loaf.
-%
-Navel, n.:
-	A place to stash your gum on the way down.
-%
-Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows.
-Watch who you sleep with.
-%
-Necrophilia, n.:
-	Dead boring.
-
-Incest, n.:
-	Relatively boring.
-%
-Necrophilia, n.:
-	Dropping in for a cold one.
-%
-Negotiate my ass, let's kill something!
-%
-Never fly under a seagull - they'll shit on your airplane.
-		-- Gordon Cooper
-%
-Never try to keep up with the Joneses; they might be newlyweds.
-%
-New book out from Gary Hart; "Six Inches from the White House".
-%
-New Jersey is not the armpit of the nation;
-it's the asshole of the universe.
-		-- Jonathan Michael Smith
-%
-New York:
-	Where men are men, sheep enjoy it, and lepers laugh their heads off.
-%
-Newlywed groom:
-	Honey, I have something to confess to you.  I'm a golfer.
-	You'll never see me on Tuesday nights, Thursday nights,
-	and weekends.  I'm sorry.
-Newlywed bride:
-	I have something even worse to confess, dear.  I'm a hooker.
-Groom:
-	Oh, honey, that's no problem!  Just keep your head low and follow
-	through...
-%
-Newsflash:
-	Apparently the rapture did occur last Tuesday as was originally
-predicted.  All true believers were transported to heaven while the rest
-of us were left behind to await the Anti-Christ and the end of the world.
-	Widespread reports that the rapture had not occurred stemmed from
-expectations that the effect would be more widespread than it turned out
-to be.  The definition of "true believer" was apparently more restrictive
-than expected, however, and the only qualifiers were a family of five,
-living in Stenton, North Dakota.
-%
-Next, upon a stool, we've a sight to make you drool.
-Seven virgins and a mule, keep it cool, keep it cool.
-		-- ELP, "Karn Evil 9" (1st Impression, Part 2)
-%
-Nice computers don't go down.
-%
-Nine out of ten men who preferred Camels have switched back to women.
-%
-Nine reasons a taco is better than a woman:
-	1: Tacos don't put frilly covers on the toilet seat
-		so the lid won't stay up.
-	2: Tacos don't use your razor on their legs.
-	3: Tacos don't say "That's okay, it doesn't have to be good for me."
-	4: Tacos don't get upset if you eat another taco, "Just for fun."
-	5: Tacos will never contest a divorce,
-		demand a property settlement or seek custody of anything.
-	6: Tacos won't ask you about your last lover,
-		or speculate about your next one.
-	7: A taco will never make a scene because
-		there are other tacos in the refrigerator.
-	8: It's easy to drop a taco.
-	9: Tacos don't want to sleep on your chest.
-%
-Ninety percent of everything is crap.
-		-- Theodore Sturgeon
-%
-No matter how clever the hardware boys
-are, the software boys piss it away.
-%
-No one born with a mouth and a need is "innocent".
-		-- Greg Bear
-%
-No one is listening until you fart.
-%
-No woman can call herself free until she can choose consciously whether
-she will or will not be a mother.
-		-- Margaret H. Sanger
-%
-Non Illegitemus Carborundum.
-	[Don't let the bastards wear you down.]
-%
-Not everyone has a one-track mind.
-		-- From a Bisexuality 101 talk
-%
-Not only is God dead, but just try to find a plumber on weekends.
-		-- Woody Allen
-%
-Nothing, adj.:
-	A man with an erection who walks into a wall and breaks his nose.
-%
-Nothing is better than Sex.
-Masturbation is better than nothing.
-Therefore, Masturbation is better than Sex.
-%
-Nothing ruins the mood more during foreplay than the image of your
-65-year old home room teacher trying to stretch a condom over a
-cucumber.
-		-- Dennis Miller
-%
-Now a Jew, in the dictionary, is one who is descended from the ancient
-tribes of Judea ... but you and I know what a Jew is -- one who killed
-Our Lord ... A lot of people say to me "Why did you kill Christ?"  What
-can I say?  It was an accident.  It was one of those parties that got out
-of hand, you know...  We killed him because he didn't want to become
-a doctor, that's why we killed him.
-		-- Lenny Bruce
-%
-Now hear this fair lass from Rhode Isle
-Who said with a wink and a smile,
-	"Sure, please stick it in,
-	Be it thick be it thin,
-But if's rough I won't do as a file."
-%
-Now it is such a bizarrely improbable coincidence that anything so mind-
-bogglingly useful could have evolved purely by chance that some thinkers
-have chosen to see it as a final and clinching proof of the non-existence
-of God.  The argument follows:  "I refuse to prove that I exist," says God,
-"for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing."  "But," says Man,
-"the Babel fish is a dead giveaway, isn't it?  It could not have evolved
-by chance, thus proving that you exist, therefore by your own arguments,
-you don't.  QED."  "Oh, dear," says God, "I hadn't thought of that," and
-promptly vanishes in a puff of logic.
-		-- Douglas Adams
-%
-Now what would they do if I just sailed away?
-Who the hell really compelled me to leave today?
-Runnin' low on stories of what made it a ball,
-What would they do if I made no landfall?"
-		-- Jimmy Buffet, "Landfall"
-%
-Nuke the gay, unborn, baby whales for Jesus.
-%
-Nurse Jones is a regular on the newsgroup [alt.sex.bondage], and
-occasionally has problems with folks harassing her.  She came up
-with this in response to one...
-
-	Fortunately, my ego isn't as fragile as that woodpecker's wing.
-	When fratboy called me a dyke I told him that actually I was
-	bisexual, but that he shouldn't feel threatened because he didn't
-	meet either of my standards.  But if it makes you feel more
-	comfortable, I said, my husband tied me to the bedposts this
-	morning and screwed the daylights out of me.
-
-	"Just think," said
-
-	Nurse Jones,
-	 "... that was four
-	   hours ago and
-	    my sperm count
-	     is probably *still*
-	      higher than yours."
-%
-Nybble me...  Byte me...  Unsigned long int me...
-%
-Objectivity is to a newspaper what virtue is to a woman.
-		-- Joseph Pulitzer
-%
-Obscene?  Obscene is young men being trained to drop fire on people, but
-their commanders not allowing them to write "fuck" on their airplanes
-because it's obscene.
-%
-Obscenity is the crutch of inarticulate motherfuckers.
-%
-Ocean, n.:
-	A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for
-man -- who has no gills.
-%
-Oden the bardling averred
-His muse was the bum of a bird,
-	And his Lesbian wife
-	Would finger his fife
-While Fisherwood waited as third.
-%
-Of course, I speak of nothing else but that classic of understated yet wildly
-exciting eroticism, "The Windflower," by Laura London.  Ms. London is the
-author of such other philosophical block-busters as "Bad Baron's Daughter,"
-"A Heart Too Proud," "Moonlight Mist," and most thigh-warming of all, "Gypsy
-Heiress".  Well, glasses-steaming scenes are to be found on every page, to
-an extent which overwhelms Your Humble Narrator, and so, in order to save
-himself extreme embarrassment, he brings you... the blurb:
-
-	"Every lady of breeding knows: no one has a good time on a pirate
-ship.  No one, that is, but the pirates.  Yet there she was, Merry Wilding
--- kidnapped in error, taken from a ship bound from New York to England,
-spirited away in a barrel and swept aboard the infamous "Black Joke"...
-There she was, trembling with pleasure in the arms of her achingly handsome,
-sensationally sensual, golden-haired captor -- Devon."
-%
-Of course, most people eventually give up bowling for sex.
-The balls are lighter and you don't have to change your shoes.
-%
-Of his face she thought not very much,
-But then, at the very first touch,
-	Her attitude shifted --
-	He was terribly gifted
-At frigging and fucking and such.
-%
-Oh, baby, put two fingers here and one finger there and call me bitch.
-%
-Oh give me a home, where the bookmakers roam,
-Where the beer and the whiskey flows free,
-Where never is heard, a discouraging word,
-And the call-girls keep callin' for me!
-%
-Oh, I'm looking over, my dead dog Rover,
-That got run over with my mower.
-One leg is missing, and one other is gone,
-The fourth one is scattered all over the lawn.
-It's no use explain'n, the one remaining,
-It landed by the kitchen door.
-Oh, I'm looking over, my dead dog rover,
-that ain't gonna walk no more...
-		-- Tune is something about a four-leaf clover
-%
-Oh John, let's not park here.
-Oh John, let's not park.
-Oh John, let's not.
-Oh John, let's.
-Oh John.
-Oh.
-%
-Oh, pity the Duchess of Kent!
-Her cunt is so dreadfully bent,
-	The poor wench doth stammer,
-	"I need a sledgehammer
-To pound a man into my vent."
-%
-Oh pity the prince, Montezuma
-He tried to make love to a puma.
-	Seems the puma, in play,
-	Tore his testes away -
-- An example of animal huma.
-%
-Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to conceive.
-		-- Don Herold
-%
-OLD FELLA RED CLARET
-	Produce of Australia -- "The Big 69'er"
-
-An unusual "Rough-as-Guts" wine that has the Distinctive Bouquet of old
-and ill-cared for animals.  It is best drunk with the teeth clenched to
-prevent ingestion of the seeds and skins.  Connoisseurs will savour the
-slight Tannin Taste of burnt shag feathers and soiled medical dressings.
-Possessors of a cultivated Palate admire the initial assault on the taste
-buds which comes from the careful and loving blending of circus hosings
-with perished jock straps.  The maturing in Midland Abattoir hogsheads
-gives it a very Definite Nose.  With the bouquet like an aborigine's armpit.
-In the United States this wine is marketed as Crow Brand (9 out of 10 people
-who drink it for the first time exclaim "VRAAAARRRRRK").
-
-It won a Bronze at the "Kings Cross Homosexuals Convention" of 1973
-
-Warning: Avoid contact with eyes and open cuts.
-	 Keep away from open naked flames -- both old and new.
-%
-Old King Cole
-Was a merry old soul,
-A merry old soul was he!
-He called for his pipe,
-And he called for his bowl,
-And he fiddled with his call girls three!
-%
-Old McDonald had a farm,
-E-I-E-I-O!
-And on this farm he had some chicks,
-E-I-E-I-O!
-With a chick-chick here,
-And a chick-chick there,
-Here a chick,
-There a chick,
-Everywhere a chick-chick,
-Old McDonald lost his farm
-'Cause he had too many chicks!
-%
-Old mercenaries never die.  They go to hell and regroup.
-%
-Old Mother Hubbard lived in a shoe,
-She had so many children,
-She didn't know what to do.
-So she moved to Atlanta.
-%
-Old Mother Hubbard
-Went to the cupboard
-To get her poor dog a bone.
-When she bent over,
-Her Rover took over
-And she got a bone of her own.
-		-- Andrew "Dice" Clay
-%
-Olmstead's Law:
-	After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
-%
-On a cannibal isle near Malaysia
-Lives a lady they call Anastasia.
-	Not Russian elite-
-	She's eager to eat
-Whatever or whoever lays her.
-%
-On a ship wrecked far out at sea,
-The girl said, "I can't seem to pee."
-	"Aha!" said the mate,
-	"That settles the fate
-Of the captain, the pilot, and me."
-%
-On an isolated stretch of beach near Cannes, a beautiful French girl threw
-herself into the sea and drowned despite a young man's attempt to save her.
-The man dragged the half-nude body ashore and left it on the sand while he
-went to notify the authorities.  Upon his return, he was horrified to find
-a man making love to the corpse.
-	"Monsieur, monsieur," he shouted, "that woman is dead,
-that woman is dead!"
-	"Sacre bleu," exclaimed the man, springing up.
-"I thought she was an American!"
-%
-On Brassieres:
-	Russian:	Uplifts the masses.
-	Salvation Army:	Raises the fallen.
-	American:	Makes mountains out of molehills.
-%
-On day a Monterey daughter
-Did scuba down under the water.
-	She later turned up
-	The mom of a pup,
-And they say t'was an otter that gotter.
-%
-On one hot dusty day in 1860, a lone Mexican bandit crossed the border into
-Texas.  After robbing a small bank and shooting up the town, he led the posse
-on a merry chase through the desert.  On the sixth day of the chase he was
-apprehended.
-	Sheriff-to-interpreter:	"Ask him where the money is."
-	Interpreter-to-bandit:	"He wants to know where you hid the money."
-	Bandit-to-interpreter:	"I'll never tell, never!"
-	Interpreter-to-sheriff:	"He says he'll never tell, senor."
-At this point, the sheriff loses his cool.  His town has been shot up, his
-bank robbed, he's spent a week in the desert tracking this guy, and now he
-says he'll never tell.  So he takes his pistol, jams it under the bandits'
-chin, and, with the veins standing out on his neck, screams "Tell him to tell
-me where the money is, or I'm gonna blow his brains all over the desert!"
-	Interpreter-to-bandit:	"He says if you don't tell him where the
-		money is right now, he will kill you here."
-	Bandit-to-interpreter:	"Do not kill me, senor, the money is hidden
-		under the big tree at the pass!"
-	Interpreter-to-sheriff:	"He says you ain't got the balls..."
-%
-On the breast of a lady named Gail,
-Was tattooed the price of her tail.
-	And on her behind,
-	For the sake of the blind,
-Was the same information -- in Braille.
-%
-On the porch of a dude named Horatio,
-His girl got a yen for fellatio.
-	As she sucked on his dingus
-	He tried cunnilingus
-But the cops ran 'em off of that patio.
-%
-Ona day Ima gonna to Detroit to a bigga hotel.  Ina morning I go down to
-eat breakfast.  I tella waitress I wanna two piss's toast.  She bringa me
-only one piss.  I tella her I wanna two piss ona my plate.  She says you
-better no piss on the plate, you sonna bitch.  I don't even know the lady
-and she call me sonna bitch.  Later I go out to eat at the bigga restaurant.
-The waitress bring me a spoon and a knife but no fock.  I tell her I wanna
-fock.  She tells me everone wanna fock.  I tell her "you no understand", I
-wanna fock on the table.  She say you better not fock on the table, you
-sonna bitch.  So I go back to my room ina hotel and there isa no shits ona
-my bed.  I calla the manager and tella him I wanna shit.  He tella me to go
-to the toilet.  I say "you no understand", I wanna shit on the bed.  He say
-you better no shit ona bed, you sonna bitch.  I go to check out and the man
-at the desk say "peace to you".  I say piss on you too, you sonna bitch.  I
-gonna back to Italy.
-%
-Once a woman has given you her heart you
-can never get rid of the rest of her.
-		-- Vanbrugh
-%
-Once I belonged to a group that really had THE WORD.  I fought like hell
-for them.  But another group came along and exposed the word of my group
-as shallow and degenerate.  They had a better word.  So I quit the first
-group and lost all the friends I had made and I joined up with this new
-group.  I fought like hell for them.  But another group came around.  They
-exposed the word of my group as false and materialistic.  Their word was
-very much better.  So I quit the second group and lost all the friends I
-had made.  And I joined up with this new group.  I fought like hell for them.
-Till this one guy came along and proved that there wasn't any word at all.
-That I should go off as an individual and grow!  So I quit the last group
-and lost all the friends I had made.  And now I sit home alone all day and
-all I do is grow.  It would be nice to join up with some others who feel
-the way I do.
-		-- J. Feiffer
-%
-Once upon a girl there was a time...
-%
-Once upon a time there was a farmer who had borrowed a bull to service his
-two cows.  He put all three animals on a meadow and sent little Johnny to
-observe and report any success.  A short time later, little Johnny came
-running towards the house shouting: "Daddy, Daddy, the bull just fucked the
-white cow!"
-	The father took little Johnny aside and said: "Look, kid, it's
-alright if you use that kind of language around me, but the reverend is
-going to be visiting soon.  So next time, please use another word; just
-say that the bull "surprised" the cow."
-	Johnny agreed and went back to observe any progress.  A little
-while later, while the preacher was talking to the farmer, little Johnny
-came a-running again, shouting: "Daddy, Daddy!"
-	The father, trying to avoid embarrassing the preacher, said: "I
-know, the bull surprised the brown cow."
-	Little Johnny replied: "He sure did, he fucked the white one again!"
-%
-Once upon a time there was a farmer who owned a large number of chickens and
-made money by selling chickens to a local distributing company.  The farmer
-wanted to increase his business, and so went to market to buy another rooster.
-"This rooster," assured the vendor, "is my best.  He's virile and energetic
-and will take care of all your chickens!"  The farmer, delighted at this,
-bought the rooster and returned to his farm.  He set the rooster loose among
-his hen houses and, sure enough, the rooster enthusiastically went to work.
-It wasn't too long, however, before the rooster finished off all the hens and
-began on the few geese and ducks that were on the farm.  "If you keep up this
-rate," warned the farmer, "you'll screw yourself to death!"  The rooster,
-however, scoffed at the farmer and continued at an increased speed.  The next
-morning, the farmer was doing his chores when he noticed several buzzards in
-the sky circling over something.  He headed out behind the barn, and sure
-enough there was the rooster, flat on his back, with eyes closed.  The farmer
-shook his fist at the motionless body and cursed, shouting "I knew it!  I told
-you so!  I knew you'd screw yourself to death!"  The rooster turned his head
-toward the farmer, opened one eye, and winked.  "Shhh!" he said, pointing to
-the birds above.  "I think they're coming down."
-%
-Once upon a time there was a little girl named Little Red Riding Hood.  One
-fine morning she decided to visit her Grandmother, so she put a freshly baked
-cake and a .357 magnum into her basket and set off through the forest.  When
-she got there, what should she find but a big black wolf in the bed, who
-jumped up, grabbed her and snarled, "I'm going to fuck you until the sun goes
-down."
-	So Little Red Riding Hood whipped out the .357 and said, "Oh, no,
-you're not!  You're going to eat me just like the story says!"
-%
-Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to
-fly south for the winter.  However, soon after the weather turned cold,
-the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south.
-After a short time, ice began to form his on his wings and he fell to
-earth in a barnyard almost frozen.  A cow passed by and crapped on this
-little bird and the sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure
-warmed him and defrosted his wings.  Warm and happy the little sparrow
-began to sing.  Just then, a large Tom cat came by and hearing the
-chirping investigated the sounds.  As Old Tom cleared away the manure,
-he found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.
-
-There are three morals to this story:
-
-(1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
-(2) Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your friend.
-(3) If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.
-%
-Once upon a time there was a sperm named Stanley.  He'd do pushups and
-somersaults and limber up all the time, while the other sperm just lay around
-on their fat asses not doing a thing.  One day, one of them became curious
-enough to ask Stanley why he exercised all day.  Stanley said,
-	"Look, only one sperm gets a woman pregnant and when the right
-time comes, I am going to be that one."
-A few days later, the all felt themselves getting hotter and hotter, and they
-knew that it was getting to be their time to go.  They were released abruptly
-and, sure enough, there was Stanley swimming far ahead of all the others.
-All of a sudden, Stanley stopped, turned around, and began to swim back with
-all his might.
-	"Go back! Go back!" he screamed.  "It's a blow job!"
-%
-Once upon a time there were three coeds -- a big coed, a medium-sized coed,
-and a little, tiny coed.  One night they came home from a dance, and the big
-coed said, "Someone's been sleeping in my bed!"
-	The medium-sized coed looked in her room and said, "Someone's been
-sleeping in my bed!"
-	And the little, tiny coed said, "Well, nighty-night, girls!"
-%
-Once upon a time, when I was training to be a mathematician, a group of
-us bright young students taking number theory discovered the names of the
-smaller prime numbers.
-
-2:  The Odd Prime --
-	It's the only even prime, therefore is odd.  QED.
-3:  The True Prime --
-	Lewis Carroll: "If I tell you 3 times, it's true."
-31: The Arbitrary Prime --
-	Determined by unanimous unvote.  We needed an arbitrary prime
-	in case the prof asked for one, and so had an election.  91
-	received the most votes (well, it *looks* prime) and 3+4i the
-	next most.  However, 31 was the only candidate to receive none
-	at all.
-41: The Female Prime --
-	The polynomial X**2 - X + 41 is
-	prime for integer values from 1 to 40.
-43: The Male Prime -- they form a prime pair.
-
-Since the composite numbers are formed from primes, their qualities
-are derived from those primes.  So, for instance, the number 6 is "odd
-but true", while the powers of 2 are all extremely odd numbers.
-%
-Once was a hooker named Gail,
-Busted and sent-off to jail,
-	She liked the jailer,
-	He wanted to nail her,
-So Gail made bail with her tail.
-%
-Once you come out as a Pagan bisexual married leatherdyke,
-the rest of life is that much easier.
-%
-Once you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
-%
-One by one the vice-presidents of a large corporation were called into the
-boss's office.  Then the junior executives were individually summoned.
-Finally the office boy was brought in.
-	"I want the truth, Charles," the boss bellowed.  "Have you been
-playing around with my secretary?"
-	"N-no, sir," the office boy stammered.  "I-I'd never do anything
-like that, sir."
-	"All right, all right," sighed the boss, "then you fire her."
-%
-One day a city dweller decided to take a ride in the country.  He hopped
-into his sportscar, wandered along the highway for a while and then exited
-to some very rural dirt roads in the middle of farm country.  After awhile,
-he came across a farmer who clearly working his fields.  The funny thing was,
-the farmer didn't seem to be wearing any pants.  The man got out of his car
-and approached the farmer.
-	"Hey, buddy," he asked, "how come you're not wearing any clothes?"
-	Replied the farmer, "Well, boy, th' other day I was out a-workin'
-in the fields, an' I plum fergot t' wear mah shirt.  Got back to th' house
-that night, and mah neck was stiffer than an oak-wood board.  This here's
-mah wife's idea."
-%
-One day a little polar bear cub says to his mother, "Mommy, am I really
-a polar bear?"
-	"Why of course you are, honey!" his mother replies.  "You live at
-the North Pole and you swim under the ice to catch fish.  You play on the
-ice floes and you romp through the snow and chase seals.  Of *course* you're
-a polar bear.  Why do you ask?"
-	"Because," says the little cub, "I'm fuckin' freezing!"
-%
-One day a mouse was driving along the road in his Mercedes when he heard an
-anguished roaring noise coming from the side of the road.  Stopping the car,
-he got out and discovered a lion stuck in a deep ditch and roaring for help.
-Reassuring the lion, the mouse tied a rope around the axle of the Mercedes,
-threw the other end down to the lion, and pulled the beast out of the ditch.
-The lion thanked the mouse profusely and they went their separate ways.
-	Two months later the lion was out for a stroll in the country when
-he heard a panicked squeaking coming from the side of the road.  Investigating
-the noise, what should he come across but the mouse stuck in the same hole.
-"Oh, please help me, Mr. Lion," squeaked the terrified mouse.  "I saved you
-with my car once, remember?"
-	"Course I'll help you, little fellow," roared the lion.  "I'll just
-lower my dick down to you, you hold on to it, and we'll have you out of there
-in a jiffy."  Sure enough, a few minutes later the mouse was high and dry on
-the roadside, trying to convey his eternal gratitude to the lion.
-	"Don't give it another thought," said the lion kindly.  "It just goes
-to show that if you've got a big dick, you don't need a Mercedes."
-%
-One day Adam, while wandering around the Garden of Eden, noticed that all
-the animals seemed to come in pairs, male and female.  He also noted that
-they seemed to enjoy being together a lot.  So, he went to his special
-place and reported to God what he'd noticed.
-	God, understanding his need, said, "Adam, the time has come for me
-to provide you with a mate.  Go lie down and when you have fallen asleep, I
-will create your mate."
-	So Adam wandered off, found a nice patch of soft grass and fell
-asleep.  Some time later he awoke, possibly due to a bit of pain in his
-ribs, possibly because of the gorgeous woman leaning over him.  Remembering
-the animals he'd seen having such fun, he immediately reached for her.
-Pretty soon Adam's back at his special place.
-	"God?"
-	"Yes, Adam, what now?"
-	"God, what's a headache?"
-%
-One day Father O'Malley was walking through the park when he came upon an
-enchanting scene.  A beautiful little girl with long blond hair, deep blue
-eyes, and a dainty white dress was reading under a tree with her adorable
-little dog.
-	What a lovely picture, thought the Father to himself.  Walking over,
-he asked, "Child, what is your name?"
-	"Blossom," she replied.
-	"What a fitting name," exclaimed Father O'Malley.  "And how did your
-parents come to choose such a pretty name?"
-	"Well, one day when I was still in my mommy's tummy she was lying
-under this very tree when a blossom fell and landed on her stomach.  She
-thought it was a message from God and decided that I would be a girl and my
-name would be Blossom," explained the little girl sweetly.
-	How charming, thought the priest.  He started to say good-bye and
-walk away, then turned back.  "And the name of your little dog?" he
-inquired.
-	"Porky," was the child's reply.
-	Again he asked her how the unusual name had been chosen.
-	"Because he likes to fuck pigs."
-%
-One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most
-gorgeous blond Chinese girl... I sat beside her... I said "Hi," and she
-said "Hi," and then I said "Nice day, isn't it," and she said "Yeah, I
-guess"... I said "What do you mean 'you guess?'"... she said "I saw my
-analyst today and he says I have a problem."... so I asked "What's the
-problem?"... she replied "I can't tell you, I don't even know you."...
-I said "Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect
-stranger on a bus."  So she said, "Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac
-and I only like Jewish cowboys... by the way, my name is Diane."  I said,
-"Hello, Diane, my name is Bucky Goldstein."
-		-- Steven Wright
-%
-One day, in a bar, a young man walks in with a little dwarf about one foot
-tall on his shoulder and orders a beer.  The bartender serves the man a beer;
-to his astonishment, the little guy walks down the man's arm, takes a swallow
-of the brew and spits it in his face.  After a few minutes the customer
-orders another beer and the exact same thing happens.  Well, by this time,
-the bartender is getting pretty upset; he figures that the man should take
-care of the dwarf.  So he asks the guy, "Why are you letting that guy drink
-all your beer and spit it in my face?"
-	"Well, sir, when I was on a contract in Saudi Arabia I met this genie
-and he granted me three wishes.  I asked for a million dollars, the most
-beautiful woman in the world, and a twelve-inch prick.
-%
-One day on a busy street corner a huge, burly looking man walked up to a police
-officer and asks, "Thcuse me offither, can you tell me where thidee-thid, and
-thacramento ith?"
-	The police officer didn't reply at all, but just looked away.
-	The large man then asked again, but still no reply.  After a few more
-attempts which the police officer studiously ignored, the frustrated man
-walked away.  An onlooking pedestrian then walked up to the officer and asked,
-"Officer, why didn't you tell that man where thirty-third and Sacramento was?"  The police officer replied,
-	"Thure, thure, and dit the thit ticked out of me!"
-%
-One day President Reagan, Chairman Andropov, the Pope, and a boy scout
-were flying together in an airplane.  Right out in the middle of
-nowhere the plane developed engine trouble and started to go down.
-Unfortunately, only three parachutes could be found for the four
-passengers!  Andropov grabbed one of the parachutes and declared
-"Comrades, as leader of the socialist workers revolution, my life must
-be spared," and he jumped out of the plane.  Then Reagan exclaimed "As
-leader of the greatest nation on earth, I must keep the world safe for
-democracy," and with that he too jumped to safety.  Now if you are
-following all this (or counting on your fingers) you must see that
-there is only one parachute left for the two remaining passengers.  The
-Pope looked kindly upon the boy scout and said "I have had a long and
-productive life, my son.  You take the parachute and leave me in God's
-hands."  "That's very kind of you," the observant scout replied, "but
-there is no need.  Reagan just jumped out with my knapsack."
-%
-One evening a guru had coitus
-With an actress, a whore and a poetess.
-	When asked what position
-	He used for coition,
-He answered serenely, "the lotus."
-%
-One fall day, two men were out in the woods hunting.  Feeling a sudden need
-to relieve himself, George went over to a nearby clump of bushes, unzipped
-his fly, and started in when a poisonous snake lunged out of the bushes and
-bit him on his penis.  Hearing George's howl of pain and fright, his friend
-Fred came running up and told him to lie still while he used the radio to
-call a doctor.
-	"There's only one way to save your friend's life," said the doctor
-gravely.  "If you cut a shallow 'X' over the bite and then suck as much of
-the poison out as you can, he'll probably be okay, but otherwise there's not
-much hope."
-	Hearing Fred's footsteps, George rose weakly up on one elbow and
-cried out, "Fred, what'd he say?  What did the doctor say?"
-	"George, old friend," said Fred sadly, "he said you're gonna die."
-%
-One hundred and one uses for canned peaches.
-One hundred and two if you plan to eat them.
-%
-One man's nightmare is another man's wet dream.
-%
-One morning after an evening of particularly heavy drinking, a man awoke
-and upon rolling over in bed saw one of the ugliest women he had ever
-seen.  As he was about to get out of bed, he looked on the floor and saw
-another woman even less appealing than the first.  Seeing his look of
-wide-eyed amazement, the woman on the floor snapped, "Don't look at me
-like that, I was only the bridesmaid."
-%
-One of my favorite jokes, a telling commentary on Jewish mothers' capacity
-to lay on guilt, involves the mother who gave her son two neckties on Chanuka.
-	"The boy hurried into his bedroom, ripped off the tie he was wearing,
-put on one of the ties his mother had brought him, and hurried back.  "Look,
-Mama! Isn't it gorgeous?"
-	"Mama asked, 'What's the matter?  You don't like the other one?'"
-		-- Leo Rosten, "Hooray For Yiddish"
-%
-One of the airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives
-accompanying their husbands on business trips.  Anticipating some valuable
-testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to
-all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they
-enjoyed their trip.  Responses are still pouring in asking,
-	"What trip?"
-%
-One of the first things school children in Texas learn is how to
-compose a simple declarative sentence without the word "shit" in it.
-%
-One of the most expensive things in life
-is a girl who is free for the evening.
-%
-One of the regular foursome was sick, so a new member named George filled in.
-He was good and pleasant company so they asked him to join them again the
-following Sunday.
-	"9:30 okay?"
-	"Fine," George said, "but I may be a few minutes late."
-The following Sunday George showed up right on time. Not only that, he played
-left-handed and beat them.  They agreed to meet the following Sunday morning.
-George was eager to come, but again, mentioned that he might be a few minutes
-late.  The next Sunday there was George, punctual to the dot. This time he
-played right-handed and beat them again.
-	"You on for next Sunday, George?" one of the foursome asked.
-	"Sure," George replied, "but I might be a few..."
-	Another golfer jumped in. "Wait a minute... You always say you might
-be late, but you're always right on time, and you always win, left-handed
-*or* right-handed."
-	"Well," George replied, rather sheepishly, "that's true, but see, I'm
-superstitious.  If my wife is sleeping on her right, when I wake up, I play
-right handed.  If she's sleeping on her left side, I play left handed."
-	"What if she's lying on her back?"
-	George said, "That's when I'm late."
-%
-One Saturday afternoon, during the campaign to decide whether or not
-there should be a Coastal Commission, I took a helicopter ride from Los
-Angeles to San Diego.  We passed several state beaches, some crowded
-and some virtually empty.  They had the same facilities, and in some
-cases the crowded and the empty beach were within a quarter mile of
-each other.  Obviously many beach-goers prefer to be crowded together.
-Buying more beaches that people won't go to because they prefer to be
-crowded together on one beach is a ridiculous waste of our natural
-resources and our taxes.
-		-- Ronald Reagan
-%
-One should be cherry of virgins.
-%
-One thing I have no worry about is whether God exists.  But it has
-occurred to me that God has Alzheimer's and has forgotten we exist.
-		-- Jane Wagner, "The Search for Signs of Intelligent
-		   Life in the Universe"
-%
-One, two, three, four
-What are we fighting for?
-Don't ask me I don't give a damn.
-Next stop is Vietnam.
-Five, six, seven, eight
-Open up the pearly gates.
-Ain't no time to wonder why
-Whoopie!  We're all going to die.
-		-- Country Joe and the Fish
-%
-One who does not know a burro from a burrow does not know
-his ass from a hole in the ground!
-%
-Ooooooh, nooooooo, not tonite!!
-%
-Ooops.  Gotta run.  My dog wants sex.  Later.
-%
-Operators mount anything!
-%
-Opinions are like assholes -- everyone's got one, but nobody wants to
-look at the other guy's.
-		-- Hal Hickman
-%
-OPTIMIST:
-	A man who makes a motel reservation before a blind date.
-%
-ORAL CONTRACEPTIVE:
-	The word "No".
-%
-Oral sex, n.:
-	The taste of things to come.
-%
-O'Riordan's Theorem:
-	Brains x Beauty = Constant.
-
-Purmal's Corollary:
-	As the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity,
-availability goes to zero.
-%
-Other people don't give you orgasms; you have them, and they help you
-cash them in.
-%
-Ouch mosquito, silent by night,
-Why pierce my skin, so white?
-You grow plump, as a leech.
-Stop!  I beseech (in vein).
-
-I have no choice.
-Why waste my voice,
-When only a slap will do?
-Ouch, I am bitten!
-What ho, you are smitten!
-Yo mosquito, fuck you.
-		-- Mitchell Peck, "Ouch, Mosquito"
-%
-Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear -- kept us in
-a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor -- with the cry of grave
-national emergency... Always there has been some terrible evil to
-gobble us up if we did not blindly rally behind it  by furnishing the
-exorbitant sums demanded.  Yet, in retrospect, these disasters seem
-never to have happened, seem never to have been quite real.
-		-- General Douglas MacArthur (1957)
-%
-Our readers ask, "Why don't more WASPs go to orgies?"  Well, it's really
-quite simple.  They don't want to have to write all those thank-you notes.
-%
-Our [softball] team usually puts the other woman at second base, where
-the maximum possible number of males can get there on short notice to
-help out in case of emergency.  As far as I can tell, our second
-basewoman is a pretty good baseball player, better than I am, anyway,
-but there's no way to know for sure because if the ball gets anywhere
-near her, a male comes barging over from, say, right field, to deal
-with it.  She's been on the team for three seasons now, but the males
-still don't trust her.  They know, deep in their souls, that if she had
-to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she
-probably would elect to save the infant's life, without ever
-considering whether there were men on base.
-		-- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
-%
-Our staff proctologist, Dr. Barr,
-Has invented a new kind of car.
-	With a tank full of shit
-	There's no stopping it --
-For short trips, two poots take you far.
-%
-Over 5,000 years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel,
-	"Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and load your camels,
-and I will lead you to the promised land."
-	Not too long ago, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on
-your asses, light a Camel, this is the promised land."
-	Now Nixon is stealing your shovels, kicking your asses, raising
-the price of Camels, and mortgaging the promised land.
-%
-Oz:	Guys, take a moment to deal with this.  We survived.
-Buffy:	It was a hell of a battle.
-Oz:	Not the battle.  High School.
-		-- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Graduation Day, Part Two"
-		   Season 3, Episode 22
-%
-Oz:	So, do you guys steal weapons from the army a lot?
-Willow:	Well, we don't have cable, so we have to make our own fun.
-		-- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Innocence"
-		   Season 2, Episode 14
-%
-Painters do it with even strokes.
-%
-Pardon me, sir, but you've obviously
-mistaken me for someone who gives a shit.
-%
-Passion is that funny feeling that drives a man to
-bite a woman's neck because she has beautiful legs.
-%
-Paying alimony is like pumping gas into another man's car.
-%
-Pee-wee Recommends:
-
-When Pee-wee Herman was arrested that evening in Sarasota, Florida,
-the bill at the XXX South Trail Cinema featured:
-
-	+ Nurse Nancy, starring Sandra Scream
-	+ Turn Up the Heat, starring Savannah
-	+ Tiger Shark, starring Raven
-%
-Penis envy, n.:
-	The desire to be pink and wrinkled and about four inches long.
-%
-People humiliating a salami!
-%
-People who develop the habit of thinking of themselves as world
-citizens are fulfilling the first requirement of sanity in our time.
-		-- Norman Cousins
-%
-People who live in glass houses should ball in the basement.
-%
-People will swim through shit if you put a few bob in it.
-		-- Peter Sellers
-%
-Perhaps at fourteen every boy should be in love with some ideal woman to put
-on a pedestal and worship.  As he grows up, of course, he will put her on
-a pedestal the better to view her legs.
-		-- Barry Norman, in "The Listener"
-%
-Perplexed, a shy virgin named Plummer
-Asked, "what's there to do in the summer?"
-	She declined and declined
-	Till approached from behind...
-When her summer turned out quite a bummer!
-%
-Persistence, like perspiration, is 99 percent of the fine art of love.
-%
-Philadelphia flying fuck, n.:
-	Okay, see, he hangs from a chin-up bar with his feet on the arms
-	of the rocking chair.  She crouches in the rocking chair pleasuring
-	him orally.
-
-	[Note: Personally, we've never tried this.  If you have, or if
-	you do, please inform us of the results at Fortune, Box 1597,
-	Rockville IL.  Thank you.  Ed.]
-%
-Philosophy is to the real world as masturbation is to sex.
-		-- Karl Marx
-%
-Physicists do it with charm.
-%
-Picking up a man in a bar is like a snowstorm, you never know when
-he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long he'll stay.
-%
-Pile driver, n.:
-	Local drink; two parts vodka, one part prune juice.
-%
-Planned Parenthood:
-	The emission Control Center.
-%
-PLATONIC FRIENDSHIP:
-        What develops when two people get
-        tired of making love to each other.
-%
-Playing poker with busty Ms. Ware,
-He announced as he folded with flair,
-	"I had four of a kind,
-	But those aces combined,
-Don't stack up, I'm afraid, with your pair."
-%
-PLUNDERER'S THEME
-	(to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius)
-
-Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
-If you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation.
-Kill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations.
-Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
-%
-Pocket pool, n.:
-	Well, for guys, it's two-ball in the side pocket.
-	For women, it's playing the slots.
-%
-Polish fly, n.:
-	You put it in her drink and she begs you to take her bowling.
-%
-Politicians do it to everyone.
-%
-Pompoir:  The most sought-after feminine sexual response of all.
-
-'She must... close and constrict the Yoni until it holds the Lingam as with
-a finger, opening and shutting at her pleasure, and finally acting as the
-hand of the Gopala-girl who milks the cow.  This can be learned only by long
-practice, and especially by throwing the will into the part affected, even
-as men endeavor to sharpen their hearing...  Her husband will then value her
-above all other women, nor would he exchange her for the most beautiful
-queen in the Three Worlds...  Among some races the constrictor vaginae muscles
-are abnormally developed.  In Abyssinia for instance, a woman can so exert
-them as to cause pain to a man, and when sitting on his thighs, she can
-induce orgasm without moving any other part of her person.  Such an artist
-is called by the Arabs Kabbazah, literally, a holder, and it's not surprising
-that slave dealers pay large sums for her'  Thus Richard Burton.  It has
-nothing to do with 'race' but a lot to do with practice.  See exercises.
-		-- The Joy of Sex
-%
-Poor Alice who lived in Corvallis
-Had heard of, but not seen, the male phallus.
-	At her first sight of one
-	She started to run,
-And last was seen sprinting through Dallas.
-%
-Posterity will ne'er survey
-A nobler grave than this;
-Here lie the bones of Castlereagh;
-Stop, traveler, and piss.
-		-- Lord Byron, on Lord Castlereagh
-%
-Pour guerir un acces de fievre
-Un jeune homme poursuivit un lievre;
-	Il le prit a son trou,
-	Et fit faire un ragout
-Des entrailles et des pattes au genievre.
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-Pouring out his troubles to his best friend over a couple of triple martinis,
-Brad had to confess that things weren't going too well at home.  "My wife and
-I just don't hit it off at night," he was saying to Bart.  "I hate to admit
-it, but I'm afraid I just don't know how to make her happy."
-	"Hell, boy," said Bart, "there's really nothing to it.  Let me
-give you some advice.  At bedtime, switch on a new Sinatra platter, turn
-all the lights low and spray some perfume around the room.  Next, tell
-your wife to get into her sheerest nightie; then make sure you raise the
-bottom window."
-	"Then what do I do?" asked Brad.
-	"Just whistle."
-	"Whistle?"
-	"That's right.  I'll be waiting outside the window.  When I hear
-you whistle, I'll come right up and finish the job."
-%
-Pregnancy -- the worst sexually transmitted disease of them all.
-%
-Pregnancy begins with a single sell.
-%
-Premature ejaculation, n.:
-	A spoilspurt.
-%
-Premature ejaculator, n.:
-	Troubled shooter.
-%
-Premenstrual Syndrome:
-	Just before their periods women behave the way men do all the time.
-%
-Prince Absalom lay with his sister
-And bundled and nibbled and kissed her,
-	But the kid was so tight,
-	And it was deep night --
-Though he shot at the target, he missed her.
-%
-Printers do it without wrinkling the sheets.
-%
-Prior to this year's Rock & Roll Hall of Fame ceremony, [Cash] went to
-the bathroom.  "I was standing at the urinal, and Keith Richards walked
-in...  He said, 'Look at this, I'm pissing with Johnny Cash. We need a
-picture of this.'  I said, 'No, Keith, we *don't* need a picture of this.'"
-		-- Rolling Stone interview with Johnny Cash
-%
-Procrastinators do it tomorrow.
-%
-Programmers do it bit by bit.
-%
-Programmers do it until it goes down.
-%
-Programmers get overlaid.
-%
-PROMOTION:
-	New title, new salary, new office, same old crap.
-%
-Prope mare erat tubulator
-Qui virginem ingrediebatur.
-	Dessine ingressus
-	Audivi progressus:
-Est mihi inquit tubulator.
-%
-Prostitution is the only business where you can go into the hole and
-still come out ahead.
-%
-Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill.
-Check three friends.  If they're okay, you're it.
-%
-Psychiatry is quite similar to prostitution, only less honest.  They
-both promise to make people feel better, but the prostitute doesn't
-make pretensions that the feelings will last once the client walks
-out the door.
-%
-Pubic hair, n.:
-	Organic dental floss.
-%
-Puff the Jewish dragon lived in Palestine,
-And frolicked in the Autumn mist,
-And drank Manishiewitz wine.
-Little Rabbi Jacob loved that rascal Puff,
-And brought him soup and Matzah balls,
-And other kosher stuff.
-
-Then one day it happened, Puff was eating pork.
-Little Rabbi Jacob took that dragon for a walk.
-Gently he explained that dragons don't eat meat,
-That come from little piggies who have dirty filthy feet.
-%
-Q:	Do you know how to tell a Polack at a cockfight?
-A:	He's the only one with a duck.
-
-Q:	Do you know how to tell an Aggie at a cockfight?
-A:	He's the only one who bets on the duck.
-
-Q:	And do you know how to tell the Mafia is at the cockfight?
-A:	The duck wins!
-%
-Q:	Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?
-A:	No, but I bet it hurts like hell.
-%
-Q:	Heard about the <ethnic> who couldn't spell?
-A:	He spent the night in a warehouse.
-%
-Q:	How can a real man tell when his girl friend's having an orgasm.
-A:	Real men don't care.
-%
-Q:	How can you tell if a woman is ticklish?
-A:	Give her a couple of test tickles.
-%
-Q:	How can you tell the bride at a WASP wedding?
-A:	She's the one kissing the golden retriever.
-%
-Q:	How can you tell when a Polish girl's been sucking cock?
-A:	She has a mouthful of feathers.
-%
-Q:	How can you tell when a WASP is sexually aroused?
-A:	By the stiff upper lip.
-%
-Q:	How can you tell when your girlfriend has had an orgasm?
-A:	Who cares?
-%
-Q:	How did Hellen Keller burn the side of her face?
-A:	She answered the iron.
-
-Q:	How did she burn the other side of her face?
-A:	They called back.
-%
-Q:	How do you fit 1000 dead babies into a phone booth?
-A:	Cusinart.
-
-Q:	How do you get them back out?
-A:	Doritos.
-%
-Q:	How do you get a woman to stop having sex with you?
-A:	Propose.
-%
-Q:	How do you hide an elephant in a cherry tree?
-A:	Paint his balls red and his toenails green.
-
-Q:	Ever see an elephant in a cherry tree?
-A:	No -- so it must work pretty well!
-
-Q:	How did Tarzan die?
-A:	Picking cherries!!!
-%
-Q:	How do you know when it's time to wash the dishes?
-A:	Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time.
-%
-Q:	How do you know your elephant had her period?
-A:	There's a nickel on your dresser and your mattress is missing.
-%
-Q:	How do you make a dead baby float?
-A:	With 2 scoops of dead baby and some rootbeer.
-%
-Q:	How do you pick up a quarter off of Polk Street?
-A:	Kick it over to Van Ness.
-%
-Q:	How do you play religious roulette?
-A:	You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets struck
-	by lightning first.
-%
-Q:	How do you tell if an elephant has been making love in your
-	backyard?
-A:	If all your trashcan liners are missing ...
-%
-Q:	How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher,
-	or an airline stewardess?
-A:	A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit."
-	A schoolteacher says: "We're just going to have to do this over
-	and over again until we get it right."
-	An airline stewardess says: "Hold this over your mouth and
-	nose, and breathe normally."
-
-... and bank tellers say "Substantial penalty for early withdrawal."
-... and saleswomen say "Thank you, come again soon!"
-... and WASPs say "Do you have that in a bigger size?"
-... and piano teachers say "Keep those fingers arched! TEMPO! TEMPO!"
-%
-Q:	How do you tell that your roommate's gay?
-A:	When his cock tastes like shit.
-%
-Q:	How does a girl know she's sleeping with a Computer Scientist?
-A:	It isn't hard.
-%
-Q:	How does a mink get babies?
-A:	The same way babies get minks.
-%
-Q:	How does the Polish Constitution differ from the American?
-A:	Under the Polish Constitution citizens are guaranteed freedom of
-	speech, but under the United States constitution they are
-	guaranteed freedom after speech.
-		-- being told in Poland, 1987
-%
-Q:	How many Aggies does it take to eat an armadillo?
-A:	Three, one to eat it, and two to watch for traffic.
-%
-Q:	How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
-A:	Three, but they're really only one.
-%
-Q:	How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
-A:	NONE!  AND THAT'S NOT FUNNY!!
-
-Q:	How many Radcliffe girls does it take to change a light bulb?
-A:	It's "Women"...  AND IT'S NOT FUNNY!!
-%
-Q:	How many gradual (sorry, that's supposed to be "graduate") students
-	does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
-A:	"I'm afraid we don't know, but make my stipend tax-free, give my
-	advisor a $30,000 grant of the taxpayer's money, and I'm sure he
-	can tell me how to do the shit work for him so he can take the
-	credit for answering this incredibly vital question."
-%
-Q:	How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light
-	bulb, in San Francisco?
-A:	Both of them.
-%
-Q:	How many right-to-lifers does it take to change a light bulb?
-A:	Two.  One to screw it in and one to say that light started when the
-	screwing began.
-%
-Q:	How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
-A:	None.  The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
-%
-Q:	How much money do you give to a 900 foot Jesus?
-A:	As much as he wants.
-%
-Q:	If Tarzan was Jewish, and Jane was a princess, what would
-	Cheetah be?
-A:	A fur coat.
-%
-Q:	What did Jesus tell the Aggies?
-A:	Play dumb until the second coming.
-%
-Q:	What did the little ghetto-dweller get for Christmas?
-A:	Your bicycle.
-%
-Q:	What do a walrus and a tupperware container have in common?
-A:	They both like a tight seal.
-%
-Q:	What do agnostic, insomniac dyslexics do at night?
-A:	Stay awake and wonder if there's a dog.
-%
-Q:	What do elephants use instead of tampons?
-A:	Sheep.  Well, they used to, anyway.  There have been so many cases
-	of Toxic Flock Syndrome recently that their ewes has been discouraged.
-
-Q:	Why do elephants have trunks?
-A:	Sheep don't have strings.
-%
-Q:	What do two WASPs say after making love?
-A:	Thank you very much.  It'll never happen again.
-%
-Q:	What do you call a blind, deaf-mute, quadriplegic Virginian?
-A:	Trustworthy.
-%
-Q:	What do you call a nun who has had a sex change operation?
-A:	A transistor.
-%
-Q:	What do you call a truck load of vibrators?
-A:	Toys for twats.
-%
-Q:	What do you call a woman who can suck a golf ball through 50 feet
-	of garden hose?
-A:	Darling.
-		[Often?  Ed.]
-%
-Q:	What do you call couples that use that rhythm method?
-A:	Parents.
-%
-Q:	What do you do if an Irishman throws a pin at you?
-A:	Run like hell, he's got a grenade in his mouth!!
-%
-Q:	What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
-A:	Walk him and pitch to the rhino.
-%
-Q:	What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a sorority girl??
-A:	A woman that, when she goes down on you, gets blood.
-%
-Q:	What do you get when you cross a computer and a JAP?
-A:	A computer that won't go down.
-%
-Q:	What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a prostitute?
-A:	Your last blowjob.
-%
-Q:	What do you get when you cross a rooster with a telephone pole?
-A:	A thirty foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone!
-%
-Q:	What do you get when you cross an onion with a donkey?
-A:	Well, most of the time you get an onion with big ears, but every
-	once in a while you get a piece of ass that will bring tears to
-	your eyes...
-%
-Q:	What do you get when you cross James Dean with Ronald Reagan?
-A:	A rebel without a clue.
-%
-Q:	What do you have if you have a moth ball in one hand and a
-	moth ball in the other hand?
-A:	One hell of a big moth!
-%
-Q:	What do you say to a New Yorker with a job?
-A:	Big Mac, fries and a Coke, please!
-%
-Q:	What do you say to a Puerto Rican in a three-piece suit?
-A:	Will the defendant please rise?
-%
-Q:	What does friendship among Soviet nationalities mean?
-A:	It means that the Armenians take the Russians by the hand; the
-	Russians take the Ukrainians by the hand; the Ukrainians take
-	the Uzbeks by the hand; and they all go and beat up the Jews.
-%
-Q:	What goes
-		Click.  "Did I get it?"
-		Click.  "Did I get it?"
-		Click.  "Did I get it?"
-		Click.  "Did I get it?"
-A:	Stevie Wonder doing the Rubik's Cube.
-%
-Q:	What goes green, red, green, red, pink, pink, pink?
-A:	A frog in a blender.
-
-Q:	What do you get if you add 2 eggs to it??
-A:	Frognogg.  If you drink it, you croak.
-%
-Q:	What goes red, white, red, white, pink, pink, pink?
-A:	Baby in a blender.
-
-Q:	Why do you put a baby in a blender feet first?
-A:	So you can watch the expression on its little face.
-%
-Q:	What is green and comes in Brownies?
-A:	Boy Scouts.
-%
-Q:	What is "SMOORPLAY"?
-A:	It's what SMURFS do before they SMUCK, of course!
-%
-Q:	What is the difference between snow-men and snow-women?
-A:	Snowballs!
-%
-Q:	What is the worst story Helen Keller ever read?
-A:	A cheese grater.
-%
-Q:	What's a JAP's (Jewish American Princess) dream house?
-A:	Fourteen rooms in Scarsdale, no kitchen, no bedroom.
-%
-Q:	What's a WASP's idea of open-mindedness?
-A:	Dating a Canadian.
-%
-Q:	What's black and white and red all over and can't go through
-	revolving doors?
-A:	A nun with a javelin through her head.
-%
-Q:	What's black and white and red all over?
-A:	Half a nun.
-%
-Q:	What's buried in Grant's tomb?
-A:	A corpse.
-%
-Q:	What's hard going in and soft and sticky coming out?
-A:	Chewing gum.
-%
-Q:	What's invisible and smells like carrots?
-A:	Bunny farts.
-%
-Q:	What's Jewish foreplay?
-A:	Two hours of begging.
-%
-Q:	What's meaner than a pit bull with AIDS?
-A:	The guy that gave it to him.
-%
-Q:	What's more fearsome than a grizzly bear with AIDS?
-A:	The guy he got it from.
-%
-Q:	What's red and covered with little dents?
-A:	Snow White's cherry.
-%
-Q:	What's the contour integral around Western Europe?
-A:	Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe!
-
-Addendum: Actually, there ARE some Poles in Western Europe, but they
-	are removable!
-
-Q:	An English mathematician (I forgot who) was asked by his
-	very religious colleague: Do you believe in one God?
-A:	Yes, up to isomorphism!
-
-Q:	What is a compact city?
-A:	It's a city that can be guarded by finitely many near-sighted
-	policemen!
-		-- Peter Lax
-%
-Q:	What's the difference between a cocker spaniel and a doberman
-	pinscher humping your leg?
-A:	You let the doberman finish.
-%
-Q:	What's the difference between a dog and a fox?
-A:	About four drinks.
-%
-Q:	What's the difference between a Fairy Tale, and a War Story?
-A:	Nothing, except Fairy Tales start off with "Once upon a time".
-	War Stories start off with "No shit, this really happened".
-
-	[I thought Fairy Tales started off, "Honey, I'm gonna be at the
-	office a little late, tonight...  Ed.]
-%
-Q:	What's the difference between a hold-up and a stick-up?
-A:	Age.
-%
-Q:	What's the difference between a JAP and a baby elephant?
-A:	About 10 pounds.
-
-Q:	How do you make them the same?
-A:	Force feed the elephant.
-%
-Q:	What's the difference between a man and a toilet?
-A:	A toilet doesn't follow you around for a week after you flush it.
-%
-Q:	What's the difference between a man and the weekend?
-A:	The weekend never comes too soon.
-%
-Q:	What's the difference between a sorority girl and a fast car?
-A:	Not everyone's been in a fast car.
-%
-Q:	What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
-A:	The taste.
-%
-Q:	What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
-A:	Erotic is when you use a feather.  Kinky is when you use
-	the whole bird.
-%
-Q:	What's the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon
-	and Ronald Reagan?
-A:	One always told the truth, one always lied, and one can't tell the
-	difference.
-%
-Q:	What's the difference between hard and dark?
-A:	It stays dark all night.
-%
-Q:	What's the difference between "Oooh" and "Aaah"?
-A:	About three inches.
-%
-Q:	What's the difference between the 1950's and the 1980's?
-A:	In the 80's, a man walks into a drugstore and states loudly, "I'd
-	like some condoms," and then, leaning over the counter, whispers,
-	"and some cigarettes."
-%
-Q:	What's the difference between VMS and PMS?
-
-A1:	PMS is only a problem for some people.
-A2:	PMS is only a problem for part of the month.
-A3:	The drugstore has remedies for PMS.
-A4:	People with PMS get sympathy.
-A5:	People with PMS don't wish they were UNIX.
-%
-Q:	What's the last thing that goes through a grasshopper's mind when
-	he hits your windshield?
-A:	His ass.
-
-Q:	What's the second-to-last thing to go through a grasshopper's
-	mind when he hits your windshield?
-A:	Oh, SHIT!!
-%
-Q:	What's white and crawls up your leg?
-A:	Uncle Ben's Perverted Rice.
-%
-Q:	What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
-A:	Getting fingered by Captain Hook!
-%
-Q:	Where can you buy black lace crotchless panties for sheep?
-A:	Fredrick's of Ithaca, New York.
-%
-Q:	Where does Catwoman go for a good time?
-A:	To the batpoles, Robin!
-%
-Q:	Where does virgin wool come from?
-A:	Ugly sheep.
-%
-Q:	Why are babies born with soft spots on their heads?
-A:	So you can pick 'em up five at a time.
-%
-Q:	Why are Unix emulators like your right hand?
-A:	They're just pussy substitutes!
-%
-Q:	Why can't Hellen Keller have children?
-A:	Because she's dead.
-%
-Q:	Why did Captain Kirk piss on the bridge?
-A:	He wanted to boldly go where no man had gone before!
-%
-Q:	Why did God invent booze?
-A:	So ugly men could get laid too.
-%
-Q:	Why did Hellen Keller go all the way on her first date?
-A:	She'd never been taught to say no.
-%
-Q:	Why did Menachem Begin invade Lebanon?
-A:	To impress Jodie Foster.
-%
-Q:	Why did Ted Kennedy report the accident 8 hours after Mary
-		Jo Kopechne drowned?
-A:	Do you have any idea how hard it is to dress a woman underwater?
-%
-Q:	Why did the epileptic cross the road?
-A:	He couldn't help it.
-
-Q:	What do you do if an epileptic has a seizure in the bathtub?
-A:	Throw in the dirty clothes and some laundry detergent.
-%
-Q:	Why do dogs lick their private parts?
-A:	Because they can.
-%
-Q:	Why do ducks have webbed feet?
-A:	To stamp out forest fires.
-
-Q:	Why do elephants have big flat feet?
-A:	To stamp out flaming ducks.
-%
-Q:	Why do elephants wear springs on their feet?
-A:	So they can jump into trees and rape mice.
-
-Q:	What is the most fearsome sound in the world to a mouse?
-A:	BOING!!  BOING!!  BOING!!
-%
-Q:	Why do men die before their wives?
-A:	They want to.
-%
-Q:	Why do men marry women?
-A:	You can't teach sheep to do housework.
-%
-Q:	Why do mice have such small balls?
-A:	Very few of them know how to dance!
-%
-Q:	Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?
-A:	Because a sheep can hear the sound of a zipper from fifty feet away.
-		-- Iain MacKintosh, Glasgow folksinger
-%
-Q:	Why do WASPs play golf?
-A:	So they can dress like pimps.
-%
-Q:	Why do women have vaginas?
-A:	So when they're drunk, you can carry them like a six-pack.
-%
-Q:	Why do women love Pacman?
-A:	Only place you can get eaten three times for a quarter.
-%
-Q:	Why does an elephant have 4 feet?
-A:	Because 8 inches isn't enough.
-%
-Q:	Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
-A:	So she can moan with the other!
-%
-Q:	Why don't blind people skydive?
-A:	It scares the dogs!
-
-Q:	How can a blind skydiver tell when he is near the ground?
-A:	The leash goes slack.
-%
-Q:	Why is it that Mexico isn't sending anyone to the '84 summer games?
-A:	Anyone in Mexico who can run, swim or jump is already in LA.
-%
-Q:	Why is Poland just like the United States?
-A:	In the United States you can't buy anything for zlotys and in
-	Poland you can't either, while in the U.S. you can get whatever
-	you want for dollars, just as you can in Poland.
-		-- being told in Poland, 1987
-%
-Q:	Why is Sister Pat the way she is?
-A:	Because when she was 16, a group of boys tied her up and
-	gang-rejected her.
-%
-Q:	Why was Cinderella banished from the Magic Kingdom?
-A:	For sitting on Pinocchio's face and screaming, "Tell the truth!
-	Tell a lie!  Tell the truth!  Tell a lie!"
-%
-QOTD:
-	"... was it a dream where you see yourself standing in sort-of
-	Sun-God robes, on a pyramid, with a thousand naked women screaming
-	and throwing little pickles at you?  ...  Why am I the only one
-	who has that dream?"
-%
-QOTD:
-	"Are you into casual sex, or should I dress up?"
-%
-QOTD:
-	"Do you smell something burning or is it me?"
-		-- Joan of Arc
-%
-QOTD:
-	"Even the Statue of Liberty shaves her pits."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"He's on the same bus, but he's sure as hell got a different
-	ticket."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"He's so egotistical he yells his own name when he comes."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"I don't give a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"I get girls because of who I am... a rapist."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"I met her [his fiance] over lunch on Thursday.  She had a firm
-	grip.  He's a lucky man."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"I never met a man I couldn't drink handsome."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"I say, and without apology, hang the bitch."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"I used to beat off so much in the shower, I'd get a hard on every
-	time it rained."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"I was a fifty-four-year-old virgin, but I'm all right now."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"I won't say he's unsavory, but for his birthday he bought himself
-	a pair of velcro gloves."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"I'd crawl a mile over burning desert sand just to kiss the dick of
-	the guy who screwed her last."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"I'd drag my dick a mile over broken glass just to masturbate in
-	her shadow!"
-%
-QOTD:
-	"I'd never marry a woman who didn't like pizza... I might play
-	golf with her, but I wouldn't marry her!"
-%
-QOTD:
-	"It *was* wonderfully polite of me.  Usually I call the kind of
-	cretinous dipshit that pisses me off a 'fucking asshole.'"
-		-- Richard Sexton
-%
-QOTD:
-	"Let go of my ears, I know what I'm doing!"
-%
-QOTD:
-	"Men come in four sizes -- small, medium, large, and 'You're
-	going to put that thing *where*?'"
-%
-QOTD:
-	"My penis is better than corn, because corn doesn't squeal when
-	you stick those little prongs into it."
-		-- Mark-Jason Dominus
-%
-QOTD:
-	"No, honey, I've never been circumsized;
-		it's simply wear and tear."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"One day, I'd like to wake up in the morning to find that every
-	gay and lesbian has lavender skin.  On that morning, I will be
-	-- mauve."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"Sex is like everything else.  To get it done right, do it yourself."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"She began coming, making noises like a small animal in pain.
-	Ouch!  Ow!  My paw!  Ouch!!"
-%
-QOTD:
-	"She was so tough she rolled her own tampons."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"Talk about willing people... over half of them are willing to work
-	and the others are more than willing to watch them."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"The marines and I have something in common; we're both looking for
-	a few good men!"
-%
-QOTD:
-	"The only real difference between men and women is that men are
-	crabby all month long."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"Well, let's say she's friendly.  Last year she was the Herpes
-	Poster Girl."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"What would the world be like without men?  A lot of fat,
-	happy women."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"When she hauled ass, it took three trips."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"Whhoooooooeeeeeeeeeee, Elmer!  Take a look at that purty young lady
-	over thar!  Why, I'd walk a mile barefoot over barbed wire and broken
-	glass just to drive the truck that takes her panties to the cleaners!"
-%
-QOTD:
-	"Whip me, beat me, come all over me, tell me you love me.
-	Then get the fuck out."
-%
-QOTD:
-	"You might as well say "yes", the sheets are messy already."
-%
-Queensboro president Donald Mannis, charged with receiving bribes in
-exchange for city contracts, resigned on Tuesday.  Mannis feels he must
-devote more time to impending litigation, some of which might emanate
-from a recent statement he made comparing New York Mayor Ed Koch to
-Nazi Martin Bormann.  A spokesman from the Bormann estate said they are
-weighing the odds of a slander suit.  Mayor Koch could naturally be
-reached for comment, but we chose not to listen.
-		-- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live"
-%
-Quickie, n.:
-	A moment's piece.
-%
-Quickie, n.:
-	No sooner spread than done.
-%
-QWERT (kwirt) n. [MW < OW qwertyuiop, a thirteenth]  1. a unit of weight
-equal to 13 poiuyt  avoirdupois  (or 1.69 kiloliks), commonly used in
-structural engineering  2. [Colloq.] one thirteenth the load that a fully
-grown sligo can carry.  3. [Anat.] a painful  irritation  of  the dermis
-in the region of the anus  4. [Slang] person who excites in others the
-symptoms of a qwert.
-		-- Webster's Middle World Dictionary, 4th ed.
-%
-Ralph:	Lisa, you have no tits and an awful tight pussy.
-Lisa:	Ralph... get off my back!!
-%
-Randel, n.:
-	A nonsensical poem recited by Irish schoolboys as an apology
-for farting at a friend.
-		-- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure, and
-		   Preposterous Words
-%
-Raquel Welch:		36-24-36
-Bo Derek:		35-24-36
-Ann-Margaret:		37-25-36
-Bette Middler:		37-25-36
-Marilyn Monroe:		37-24-37
-Jane Russell:		39-27-38
-Jayne Mansfield:	40-23-37
-Sophia Loren:		37-25-36
-%
-Rating women on the Budweiser scale; the number
-of Clydesdales it would take to pull you off her.
-%
-Reach out and fuck someone.
-%
-Readers Ask:
-	Is it possible to kill a vampire with a gun?
-
-Vampires are a source of great irritation to the average homeowner and it is
-usually to one's advantage to remove these pests as rapidly as possible.  If
-a professional exterminator specializing in the undead is unavailable, it is
-possible to handle the situation with common household items.  However, much
-of the common folklore of vanquishing the undead needs clarifying.  First,
-driving a sharpened Louisville Slugger through a vampire's heart will NOT kill
-it.  Since it's not quite alive, why would the heart be any different than
-puncturing it in the, for example, left buttock?  Stake driving should be
-avoided at any cost since its effect will be to terribly annoy the vampire,
-and the last thing you want on your hands is an irate Lord of Darkness.
-Handguns are also a definite no-no.  Common sense indicates that it requires
-more to defeat an incarnation of evil than hurling lumps of lead or silver
-through its body.  One time-honored method is to expose the vampire to the
-sun, sever its head (any power saw should be sufficient), fill its mouth with
-holy wafers (vanilla wafers over which the Lord's prayer has been read will
-do in a pinch), immerse the head in an urn filled with holy water, place the
-urn in consecrated lands and bury the rest of the body underneath a crossroad
-(i.e. the intersection of Broad & Chestnut).  Sure, it's a lot of work.  But
-you'll never have to worry about those damn bats pestering the neighbors again.
-%
-Reagan can't _a_c_t, either.
-%
-Real buddy, n.:
-	Someone who'll go downtown and get two blowjobs, and come back
-	and give you one.
-%
-Real class, adj.:
-	When you're by yourself, fart, and say "Excuse me."
-%
-Real fur: the ultimate sadist symbol.
-%
-Reformed, n.:
-	A synagogue that closes for the Jewish holidays.
-%
-Rejection, n.:
-	When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
-%
-Religion is fine, Churchianity sucks.
-%
-Remember, there's a big difference between kneeling down and bending over.
-		-- Frank Zappa
-%
-Remember, when preparing a dish for bedtime,
-champagne is the best tenderizer.
-%
-Remember when you were a kid and the boys didn't like the girls?  Only
-sissies liked girls?  What I'm trying to tell you is that nothing's
-changed.  You think boys grow out of not liking girls, but we don't
-grow out of it.  We just grow horny.  That's the problem.  We mix up
-liking pussy for liking girls.  Believe me, one couldn't have less to
-do with the other.
-		-- Jules Feiffer
-%
-Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians and eyebrows.
-Democrats raise Airedales, kids and taxes.
-
-Democrats eat the fish they catch.
-Republicans hang them on the wall.
-
-Republican boys date Democratic girls.  They plan to marry Republican
-girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first.
-
-Democrats make up plans and then do something else.
-Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made.
-
-Republicans sleep in twin beds -- some even in separate rooms.
-That is why there are more Democrats.
-		-- Paul Dickson, "The Official Rules"
-%
-Republicans tend to keep their shades drawn, although there is seldom
-any reason why they should.  Democrats ought to, but don't.
-%
-Returning from the men's room, a bar customer was sadly, shaking his head.
-	"What's the matter, buddy?", inquired the bartender.
-	"Well," replied the customer, "while I was in the men's room, I saw
-someone had scribbled `Wendy gives really fabulous head; absolutely the best
-blow job in the world!' on the wall."
-	"Ahh, hell," said the bartender.  "Don't give it a second thought,
-we get jerks in here like anywhere else."
-	"I know," snarled the headshaker. "One of them scratched out the
-phone number!"
-%
-Revenge is sleeping with your enemy's wife.
-Sweet revenge is the realization that she's a lousy lay.
-%
-Rodeo fuck, n.:
-	When you lean down and whisper in your lover's ear, "Honey, you're
-	the worst piece of ass I've ever had!".  And then try to stay on
-	for seven seconds...
-%
-Rogue players do it with all sorts of different animals.
-%
-Roland was a warrior, from the land of the midnight sun,
-With a Thompson gun for hire, fighting to be done.
-The deal was made in Denmark, on a dark and stormy day,
-So he set out for Biafra, to join the bloody fray.
-Through sixty-six and seven, they fought the Congo war,
-With their fingers on their triggers, knee deep in gore.
-Days and nights they battled, the Bantu to their knees,
-They killed to earn their living, and to help out the Congolese.
-	Roland the Thompson gunner...
-His comrades fought beside him, Van Owen and the rest,
-But of all the Thompson gunners, Roland was the best.
-So the C.I.A decided, they wanted Roland dead,
-That son-of-a-bitch Van Owen, blew off Roland's head.
-	Roland the headless Thompson gunner...
-Roland searched the continent, for the man who'd done him in.
-He found him in Mombasa, in a bar room drinking gin,
-Roland aimed his Thompson gun, he didn't say a word,
-But he blew Van Owen's body from there to Johannesburg.
-The eternal Thompson gunner, still wandering through the night,
-Now it's ten years later, but he stills keeps up the fight.
-In Ireland, in Lebanon, in Palestine, in Berkeley,
-Patty Hearst... heard the burst... of Roland's Thompson gun, and bought it.
-		-- Warren Zevon, "Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner"
-%
-Ronald Reagan -- America's favorite placebo
-%
-Roses on your piano isn't nearly as good as tulips on your organ.
-%
-Roumanian-Yiddish cooking has killed more Jews than Hitler.
-		-- Zero Mostel
-%
-Rugby is a game played by men with peculiarly shaped balls.
-%
-Rugby, n.:
-	A sport requiring leather balls.
-%
-Rumour has it that the intrepid New Zealanders have finally discovered
-two new uses for sheep.  Meat and wool.
-%
-Runners do it alone.
-%
-Said a dainty young whore named Ms. Meggs,
-"The men like to spread my two legs,
-	Then slip in between,
-	If you know what I mean,
-And leave me the white of their eggs."
-%
-Said a decadent wench of Bombay:
-"This has been a most wonderful day.
-	Three cherry tarts,
-	At least twenty farts,
-Two shits, and a bloody fine lay."
-%
-Said a girl who upon her divan
-Was attacked by a virile young man:
-	"Such excess of passion
-	Is quite out of fashion"
-And she fractured his wrist with her fan.
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-Said a happy young man of Fort Drum:
-"What care I for this shortage of gum?
-	My favorite chew
-	Is a condom or two,
-With a goodly amount of fresh come."
-%
-Said a horny young girl from Milpitas,
-"My favorite sport is coitus."
-	But a fullback from State
-	Made her period late,
-And now she has athlete's fetus.
-%
-Said a lecherous fellow named Shea,
-When his prick wouldn't rise for a lay,
-	"You must seize it, and squeeze it,
-	And tease it, and please it,
-For Rome wasn't built in a day."
-%
-Said a lesbian lady, "It's sad;
-Of all the girls that I've had,
-	None gave me the thrill
-	Of real rapture until
-I learned how to be a tribade."
-%
-Said a madam named Mamie La Farge
-To a sailor just off of a barge,
-	"We have one girl that's dead,
-	With a hole in her head--
-Of course there's a slight extra charge."
-%
-Said a modest young miss to de Sade,
-I'm simply too shy and afraid
-	To take part in your pranks.
-	But to show you my thanks,
-I'd just love to become your first aide.
-%
-Said a pornographistic young poet
-"Although I perhaps do not show it,
-	My interest in sin
-	Is wearing quite thin,
-And I'll soon tell those fuckers to stow it."
-%
-Said crew girl Angelica Bauer:
-"The captain's withdrawn, cold, and sour."
-	Uhura said, "No,
-	At night that's not so--
-He doesn't withdraw for an hour."
-%
-Said Einstein, "I have an equation
-Which to some may seem Rabelaisian:
-	Let _V be virginity
-	Approaching infinity;
-Let _P be a constant persuasion;
-
-"Let _V over _P be inverted
-With the square root of _M_u inserted
-	_N times into _V ...
-	The result, Q.E.D.,
-Is a relative!"  Einstein asserted.
-%
-Said Francesca, "My lack of volition
-Is leading me straight to perdition;
-	But I haven't the strength
-	To go to the length
-Of making an act of contrition."
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-Said President Jobcock one day:
-"War's better than love, I should say.
-	Instead of a virgin,
-	It's murder I'm urgin'--
-You get lots more blood that-a-way."
-%
-Said sneering Mohammed el-Din:
-"Only infidel dogs put it in.
-	Back home in Arabia
-	We nibble the labia
-Till the juice dribbles off of our chin."
-%
-Said the cunt-lapping Bey of Algiers,
-In a cunt halfway up to his ears:
-	"This nautch is delicious,
-	 And without doubt nutritious.
-She's my best-tasting wife in ten years!"
-%
-Said the Duchess of Danzer at tea,
-"Young man, do you fart when you pee?"
-	I replied with some wit,
-	"Do you belch when you shit?"
-I think that was one up for me.
-%
-Said the nun as the bishop withdrew,
-"This must be our final adieu,
-	For the vicar is slicker,
-	And thicker, and quicker,
-And two inches longer than you."
-%
-Saint Peteer was once heard to boast
-That he'd had all the heavenly host:
-	The Father and Son,
-	And then - just for fun -
-The hole in the Holy Ghost.
-%
-Sam Lefkovitz is having an intimate party to celebrate his thirty
-immensely profitable years in the construction business.
-	"You know," he laments to his friends, "over the years I have
-constructed dozens of enormous projects in and around this city, but
-am I known as Sam the Builder?  No.
-	And over the years I have contributed literally millions of
-dollars to charitable causes of one sort or another, but am I called
-Sam the Philanthropist?  No sir!
-	But suck one little cock..."
-%
-San Francisco:
-	A nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to tie my shoelaces
-	there.
-%
-San Francisco is my kind of city,
-Where the women are strong and the men are pretty.
-%
-Save a forest -- eat a beaver!
-%
-Save a mouse, eat a pussy!
-%
-Save Soviet Jewry -- Win Valuable Prizes!!!!
-%
-Save the whales.  Club a seal instead.
-%
-Says an airlining wanton named Vi:
-"I'm a pantyless stew when I fly.
-	To a muffer's delight,
-	I'll take head on a flight,
-So the guy can have pie in the sky."
-%
-Schnuffel, n.:
-	A dog's practice of continuously nuzzling in your crotch in
-	mixed company.
-		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
-%
-"Scott, baby," the sexually aggressive girl murmured as she guided
-her date's finger to her clitoris, "This bud's for you."
-%
-Scratch the average female and you'll find a purring bundle... at the
-ready to love and honor, bake a torte and still produce quintuplets.
-		-- Edgar Berman
-%
-SDW/M, 35, offers French lessons for ladies.
-If you desire fluency in the French tongue,
-this cunning linguist can lick your problem.
-
-Fortune -- P.O. Box 478
-%
-Secrets to a happy marriage
-	1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.
-	2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money.
-	3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex.
-	4. It is important that these three women never meet your wife.
-%
-Seems like there were these two dogs in a vet's waiting room, each eyeing
-the other suspiciously.  One of them turns to the other.
-	"What are you here for?" he asks.
-	"Well," replies the other, "I was feeling really bad the other day,
-and Master's six year old son started bothering me. I tried to ignore it,
-but I was feeling so rotten that I bit his hand."
-	"Yeah, I now what you mean.  So, what are you here for?"
-	"Erm ... well ... Master reckons that I'm too vicious, so I'm going
-to be ... you know ... I'm going to have the *operation*."
-	"Oh.  Well, I'm sorry," sympathized the first dog.
-	Time passed. The about-to-be-neutered dog coughed politely.
-	"So," he asked, "What are you in here for?"
-	"Oh, nothing really," the other replied, embarrassed.
-	"Go on, I told you, it *can't* be as bad!"
-	"OK.  Well, it's like this.  The bitch next door was in heat, and so
-I was feeling, you know, a bit randy.  Then Mistress came into the kitchen
-wearing a short skirt and no underwear, and she bent over.  I just couldn't
-resist it!" admitted the dog.
-	"Oh!  So you're here for the operation too!"
-	"No," came the reply, "I'm here to have my nails clipped!"
-%
-Seems like these four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three
-were always in accord against the fourth.  One day, the odd rabbi out, with
-the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost
-again, decided to appeal to a higher authority.  "Oh, God!" he cried.  "I
-know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong!  Please show me a sign,
-so they too will know that I understand Your laws."
-	It was a beautiful, sunny day.  As soon as the rabbi finished his
-plaint, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four.  It rumbled once
-and dissolved.  "A sign from God!  See, I'm right, I knew it!"  But the other
-three disagreed, pointing out that stormclouds form on hot days.
-	So he asked again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am
-right and they are wrong.  So please, God, a bigger sign."
-	This time four stormclouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form
-one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning knocked down a tree ten feet away from
-the rabbis.  The cloud dispersed at once.  "I told you I was right!" insisted
-the loner, but the others insisted that nothing had happened that could not
-be explained by natural causes.
-	The insisting rabbi is all ready to ask for a *very big* sign when
-just as he says "Oh God..." the sky turns pitch black, the earth shakes, and
-a deep, booming voice intones, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"
-	The sky returns to normal.  The one rabbi puts his hands on his hips
-and snarls, "Well?"  "Okay, okayyyy," replied another, "so now it's 3 to 2!"
-%
-Seems like this guy is hitting up on a woman in a bar.  After assiduously
-pursuing her for several minutes, she leans forward and tells him that he's
-a nice guy and all that, but, well, that she's a lesbian.  Confused, he asks
-her what that means.
-	"Well," she replies, "you see that woman at the corner table?"
-	"Yeah..."
-	"I'd like to walk over to her, and unbottom her blouse."
-	"Yeah..."
-	"And then I'd like to kiss her and suck on her nipples... and
-then I'd like to take off her skirt... and run my hand over her thighs..."
-	"Right!  Right!" interrupts the guy.  "I think I'm a lesbian too!"
-%
-Seems there was this traveling salesman who wandered into a brothel and
-asked the madam for a woman who would give him the absolutely worst blow-job
-imaginable.  Not horny, just homesick.
-%
-Seems this guy notices a young nun sitting on the bus; through her heavy veil
-he just spots a glimmer of her face.  Gorgeous!  She moves, and her vestments
-cannot hide the fact she has a truly phenomenal body.  The guy gets more and
-more excited until he finally approaches the nun and tells "Sister, please
-believe me, I don't normally do this sort of thing, but I think I love you.
-Could we maybe talk?"
-	The nun almost runs off the bus.  As the young man's stop comes up,
-the bus driver asks the guy if he was the person bothering the nun.  The man
-starts apologizing, but the bus driver interrupts him.  "No, don't apologize,
-I was checking her out myself.  Listen, you see where she got on?  She goes
-there every day, to a little park.  Why don't you meet here there?"
-	Sure enough, the man goes to the park the next day and there's the nun
-in a secluded grove of trees.  He approaches her, and she seems, although shy,
-much more willing to talk.  After an hour of cautious talk, he asks her if
-she'd be willing to make love with him.  She blushes, smiles, blushes again
-and says "yes".  But that she doesn't dare risk getting pregnant, so it would
-have to be the "back door".
-	As they start to make love, the young man is overcome with guilt;
-panting, he says, "Sister, I have to tell you, I'm the guy who was annoying
-you on the bus yesterday.
-	Replies the nun, "Well, that's okay.  I'm not really a nun.  I'm
-actually the bus driver."
-%
-Seems to me that both the Democrats and the Republicans should change their
-symbols to a contraceptive device; it stands for inflation, inhibits
-production, protects a bunch of pricks and gives everyone a false sense of
-security while they're being screwed.
-%
-Self-abuse is the most certain road to the grave.
-		-- Dr. George M. Calhoun (1855)
-%
-SEMINARS:
-	From 'semi' and 'arse', hence, any half-assed discussion.
-%
-Sen. Danforth:  "There is nothing on the face of the album which would
-		notify you if the record has pornographic material or
-		material glorifying violence?"
-Tipper Gore:	"No, there is nothing that would suggest that to me."
-Frank Zappa:	"I would say that a buzz saw blade between the guy's legs on
-		the album cover is good indication that it's not for little
-		Johnny."
-
-		-- The Senate Commerce Committee hearing on rock
-		   lyrics, from The Village Voice, 6 Oct 1985
-%
-Send lawyers, guns, and money,
-The shit has hit the fan.
-		-- Warren Zevon
-%
-Sensible and responsible women do not want to vote.
-		-- Grover Cleveland (1905)
-%
-Sex and drugs and UNIX.
-%
-Sex and mathematics have one thing in common.
-You can do each while thinking about the other.
-%
-Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
-		-- Sophia Loren
-%
-Sex is a biological function; kissing is a commitment.
-%
-Sex is better than grass, if you have the right pusher.
-%
-Sex is dirty, but only if you do it right.
-%
-Sex is great,
-Sex is grand,
-Sex around here,
-Is mostly by hand.
-%
-Sex is just one damp thing after another.
-%
-Sex is like a bridge game.
-If you have a good hand no partner is needed.
-%
-Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
-%
-Sex is low in calories, and *oooh* that aftertaste!
-%
-Sex is nobody's business but the three people involved.
-%
-Sex is not the answer.  Sex is the question.  "Yes" is the answer.
-		-- Swami X
-%
-Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation ... the other eight
-are unimportant.
-		-- Henry Miller
-%
-Sex is the poor man's opera.
-		-- George Bernard Shaw
-%
-Sex is what women have and men want.
-%
-Sex; it's always best when one partner is at least a little bit desperate.
-%
-SEX-CHANGE NUN BECOMES TV WRESTLER!!!
-	details at 11!
-%
-Shamus: A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks around the
-temple, and makes sure everything is in working order.  A shamus is at
-the bottom of the pecking order of synagogue functionaries, and there's
-a joke about that:
-
-A rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in the middle of a
-service,
-	"Oh, Lord, I am nobody!"
-The cantor, not to be bested, also cries out,
-	"Oh, Lord, I am nobody!"
-The shamus, deeply moved, follows suit and cries,
-	"Oh, Lord, I am nobody!"
-The rabbi turns to the cantor and says,
-	"Look who thinks he's nobody!"
-		-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
-%
-Share and enjoy, share and enjoy.
-Journey through life with a plastic boy or girl by your side.
-Let your pal be your guide.
-And when it breaks down or starts to annoy,
-	or grinds when it moves and gives you no joy,
-	'cause it digs up your hat,
-	or has sex with your cat,
-	sprays oil on your wall or rips off your door,
-	and you get to the point you can't stand any more.
-Bring it to us, we won't give a shit.
-We'll tell you: "Go stick your head in a pig".
-%
-She Ain't Much to See, but She Looks Good Through the Bottom of a Glass
-If Fingerprints Showed Up On Skin, I Wonder Who's I'd Find On You
-I'm Ashamed to be Here, but Not Ashamed Enough to Leave
-It's Commode Huggin' Time In The Valley
-If You Want to Keep the Beer Real Cold, Put It Next to My Ex-wife's Heart
-If You Get the Feeling That I Don't Love You, Feel Again
-It's the Bottle Against the Bible in the Battle For Daddy's Soul
-My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Miss Him
-Don't Cut Any More Wood, Baby, 'Cause I'll Be Comin' Home With A Load
-I Loved Her Face, But I Left Her Behind For You
-		-- proposed Country-Western song titles
-%
-She asked me if I loved her still.  "Yes," I replied.  "I've never had
-you any other way."
-%
-She begged and she pleaded for more.
-I said, "We've already had four,
-	And I'm sure that you've heard,
-	Though it's somewhat absurd,
-That eros spelt backwards is sore."
-%
-She called her parakeet Onan, because he spilled his seed.
-		-- Dorothy Parker
-%
-She hates testicles, thus limiting the men she can admire to Democratic
-candidates for president.
-		-- John Greenway, "The American Tradition", on feminist
-		   Elizabeth Gould Davis
-%
-She made a thing of soft leather,
-And topped off the end with a feather.
-	When she poked it inside her
-	She took off like a glider,
-And gave up her lover forever.
-%
-She never liked zippers, she said,
-Until she opened one in bed.
-%
-She stood there and peeled off her clothes,
-And begged for a bang: goodness knows
-	I am surely impure
-	And I sizzled to scrure,
-But the push had gone out of my hose.
-%
-She was a farmer's daughter but she couldn't keep her calves together.
-%
-She was coming round the mountain doin' ninety,
-When the chain on her motorcycle broke,
-	Now she's lying in the grass,
-	With the muffler up her ass,
-And her tits a-playin' Dixie on the spokes.
-%
-She was only:
-	a coal digger's daughter, but she'll always be mine.
-	a statistician's daughter, but she knew all the standard deviations.
-	a wrestler's daughter, but you should have seen her box.
-	a moonshiner's daughter, but I loved her still.
-	a chimney sweep's daughter, but she sure knew how to haul ash.
-	a fireman's daughter, but her face was a cause for alarm.
-	a banker's daughter, but she opened her drawers for cash.
-%
-She was peeved, and called her beau "Mr."
-Not because, when she came in, he kr.,
-	But she knew, just before
-	She opened the door,
-This same Mr. had kr. sr.
-%
-She was wearing a very tight skirt, and when she tried to board the Fifth
-Avenue bus she found she couldn't lift her leg.  She reached back and
-unzipped her zipper.  It didn't seem to do any good, so she reached back
-and unzipped it again.  Suddenly the man behind her lifted her up and put
-her on the top step.
-	"How dare you?" she demanded.
-	"Well, lady," he said, "by the time you unzipped my fly for the
-second time I thought we'd become good friends."
-%
-She wasn't what one could call pretty
-And other girls offered her pity,
-	So nobody guessed
-	That her Wasserman test
-Involved half the men in the city.
-%
-She's fine, upstanding, and wonderful laying down.
-%
-She's looking for:	He's looking for:	Foreplay:
-1957			Someone who'll go	Her: Finding a place to put
-Mr. Nice Guy		all the way		     her gum
-						Him: Wondering which word would
-						     best describe her breasts
-						     to the guys
-
-1967			Someone who's got	The first ten minutes
-Mr. Natural		rolling papers and	of "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida"
-			will go all the way
-
-1977			Someone who'll go	Testing the batteries
-Mr. Goodbar		all the way in leg
-			warmers and a leather
-			face mask
-
-1987			Someone who's never	Examination of the genitalia
-Mr. Clean		gone all the way in	under the magnifying glass
-			San Francisco		that Grandma used for needle-
-						point before she passed away
-		-- Michael Corcoran, "National Lampoon", October 1987
-%
-She's the kind of woman you could fall madly in bed with.
-%
-Shit happens.
-%
-Shopping at this grody little computer store at the Galleria for a
-totally awwwsome Apple.  Fer suuure.  I mean Apples are nice you
-know?  But, you know, there is this cute guy who works there and HE
-says that VAX's are cooler!  I mean I don't really know, you know?
-He says that he has this totally tubular VAX at home and it's stuffed
-with memory-to-the-max!  Right, yeah.  And he wants to take me home
-to show it to me.  Oh My God!  I'm suuure.  Gag me with a Prime!
-%
-Short man who dance with tall woman gets bust in mouth.
-%
-Shouted Frosty the Snowman "Hooray!
-I'm agog with excitement today!
-	And the reason of course,
-	A reliable source,
-Said the snow blower's heading this way!"
-%
-Showerbath: Natural venue for sexual adventures -- wash together, make love
-together: only convenient overhead point in most apartments or hotel rooms
-to attach a partner's hands.  Don't pull down the fixture, however -- it
-isn't weightbearing.  See Discipline.
-		-- The Joy of Sex
-%
-Sighed a neat little package named Annie:
-"I've the tits and the twat and the fanny,
-	Plus the yen, but the men
-	Only call now and then--
-Can it be I've B.O. in my cranny?"
-%
-Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.
-%
-Sixteen'll get you twenty.
-%
-Size counts.
-%
-Small, adj.:
-	Is it in yet?
-%
-Smoking a woman is like kissing a fish.
-%
-Sniff sniff...  Hey!  Who farted?
-%
-Snow White:
-	"Gee guys, I've always dreamed of getting ten inches...
-	but not an inch-and-a-half at a time!"
-%
-"Snyder's got a stiff ticket," said Kay,
-"Come on, take it out, and let's play."
-	He pulled it on out,
-	But she started to pout,
-His ticket was only a quarter-inch stout.
-%
-So, good night, you moonlit ladies,
-Rock-a-bye sweet baby James.
-Deep greens and blues are the colors I choose,
-Won't you let me go down in my dreams?
-And rock-a-bye sweet baby James.
-		-- James Taylor, "Rock-a-bye Sweet Baby James"
-%
-So here was this fellow of Strensall
-Whose pecker was shaped like a pencil,
-	Anemic, 'tis true,
-	But an interesting screw,
-Inasmuch as the tip was prehensile.
-%
-So, how's your love life?
-Still holding your own?
-%
-So... if you could choose any nose in the whole wide world,
-which one would you pick?
-%
-So it's ai yi yi yi,
-Your mother scores more than Wayne Gretzky!
-So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse,
-And waltz me around by my willie!
-
-	There once was a man from Nantucket!
-	Whose cock was so long he could suck it!
-		He said with a grin,
-		As he wiped off his chin,
-	If my ear were a cunt I could fuck it!
-
-So it's ai yi yi yi,
-Your sister does squat thrusts on flag poles!
-So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse,
-And waltz me around by my willie!
-
-	There once was a young man from Boston!
-	Who drove around town in an Austin!
-		There was room for his ass,
-		And a gallon of gas,
-	So he hung out his balls and he lost 'em!
-%
-So it's ai yi yi yi,
-Your sister swims out to meet troop ships!
-So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse,
-And waltz me around by my willie!
-
-	There once was a man from Racine!
-	Who invented a screwing machine!
-		Both concave and convex,
-		It could please either sex,
-	But, oh, what a bastard to clean!
-
-So it's ai yi yi yi,
-Your girlfriend douches with Drano!
-So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse,
-And waltz me around by my willie!
-
-	One night a girl had an affair!
-	With a fellow all covered with hair!
-		His enormous red whang,
-		Gave her a wonderful bang --
-	She'd been diddled by Smokey the bear!
-%
-So this elderly couple were sitting in their tiny cold water flat on the
-lower East Side when the husband said, "Doris, we're in bad shape.  Inflation
-has eaten up our Social Security check.  The next one isn't due for a week
-and we've got no money left for food."
-	"Could I do anything to help?" she asked.
-	"Yes," he said.  "I hate to see you do this but it's the only way.
-You're going to have to go out and hustle."
-	"Me?" she asked.  "At the age of sixty-five?"
-	"It's the only way," he said.
-Resigned to the situation, she went out into the warm night.  She came
-staggering in early the next morning.
-	"How did you do?" asked the husband.
-	"Here," she said, "I've got four dollars and ten cents."
-	"Four dollars and ten cents," he said.  "Who gave you the ten cents?"
-	"Everybody," she said.
-%
-So you fucked up... you trusted us!
-		-- Animal House
-%
-So, your daughter was voted "Most Likely to Conceive",
-and you're still drinking ordinary scotch?
-%
-Social interaction can be fatal.  Come to Irvine and live forever.
-%
-Sodomy, fellatio, cunnilingus, pederasty,
-Father, why do these words sound so nasty?
-		-- Hair
-%
-Sodomy is a pain in the ass.
-%
-Some companies idea of playing ball is, you play ball with us,
-and we'll stick the fucking bat up your ass.
-%
-Some Harvard men, stalwart and hairy,
-Drank up several bottles of sherry;
-	In the Yard around three
-	They were shrieking with glee:
-"Come on out, we are burning a fairy!"
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-Some of the greatest love affairs I've known have involved one actor,
-unassisted.
-		-- Wilson Mizner
-%
-Some of the management around here are the final proof that the Indians
-fucked the buffalo.
-%
-Some people seem to think that "damn" is God's last name.
-%
-Some women achieve greatness, some have greatness thrust into them.
-%
-Some women are like musical glasses.
-To keep them in tune they must be wet.
-		-- Samuel T. Coleridge
-%
-Some women should be beaten regularly, like gongs.
-		-- Noel Coward
-%
-Something better...
-
-13 (sympathetic): Oh, What happened?  Did your parents lose a bet with God?
-14 (complementary): You must love the little birdies to give them this to
-	perch on.
-15 (scientific): Say, does that thing there influence the tides?
-16 (obscure): Oh, I'd hate to see the grindstone.
-17 (inquiry): When you stop to smell the flowers, are they afraid?
-18 (french): Say, the pigs have refused to find any more truffles until you
-	leave.
-19 (pornographic): Finally, a man who can satisfy two women at once.
-20 (religious): The Lord giveth and He just kept on giving, didn't He.
-21 (disgusting): Say, who mows your nose hair?
-22 (paranoid): Keep that guy away from my cocaine!
-23 (aromatic): It must be wonderful to wake up in the morning and smell the
-	coffee ... in Brazil.
-24 (appreciative): Oooo, how original.  Most people just have their teeth
-	capped.
-25 (dirty): Your name wouldn't be Dick, would it?
-		-- Steve Martin, "Roxanne"
-%
-Sometimes guys'll say to you, "Have a good one."  I say, "I already have
-a good one.  Now I'm looking for a longer one."
-		-- George Carlin
-%
-Sometimes, you just gotta say "What the fuck."
-		-- Risky Business
-%
-Sooner or later, generals will own you.
-%
-Sorry 'bout that sweat, honey.  That's just holy water.
-		-- Little Richard
-%
-SPINSTER:
-	Unlusted number.
-%
-Starkle, starkle, little twink,
-Who the hell you are I think
-I'm not as drunk as thinkle peep
-I'm just a little slort of sheep.
-Tee martoonis make a guy,
-Feel so woozy, I don't know why.
-So mass the pixer and kill my fup
-I've all day sober to sunday up.
-%
-Statisticians do it with 95% confidence.
-%
-Statisticians probably do it.
-%
-Sticks and stones may break my bones but whips and chains excite me!!!
-%
-Stockmayer's Theorem:
-	If it looks easy, it's tough.
-	If it looks tough, it's damn well impossible.
-%
-STRAPLESS EVENING GOWN:
-	Bust truster.
-%
-Stress, n.:
-	The confusion created when one's mind overrides the body's
-	desire to choke the living shit out of some asshole who
-	desperately needs it.
-%
-Subpoena, n.:
-	From the root "sub", below, and the Latin "poena" for male
-	organ or penis.  Therefore, "below the penis" or "by the balls."
-%
-Success has many fathers, but failure is a bastard.
-%
-Success is like a fart -- only your own smells nice.
-		-- James P. Hogan
-%
-Successful cunnilingus, n.:
-	When you wake up the next morning with a face like a
-	frosted doughnut.
-%
-SUGAR DADDY:
-	A man who can afford to raise cain.
-%
-Support the right of unborn males to bear arms!
-		-- A public service announcement from Phyllis Schlafly,
-		   the Catholic Church, and the National Rifle
-		   Association
-%
-Sure, and of course I would vote for a woman for president!
-Quite naturally, we wouldn't have to pay her so much.
-%
-Sure banking is Biblical!
-
-How about when Onan received a substantial penalty for early withdrawal?
-Or when Pharaoh's daughter went into the bulrushes and came out with a
-little prophet?  And it was Moses who led the Children of Israel to the
-Banks of the Jordan!
-%
-Sure eating yoghurt will improve your sex life.  People know that if
-you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.
-%
-Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests.  But what if he
-forgets?
-%
-Swallow, v.:
-	The (blew) bird of birth control.
-%
-Systems people do it with a small, but clean, interface.
-%
-Take a look around you, tell me what you see,
-A girl who thinks she's ordinary lookin' she has got the key.
-If you can get close enough to look into her eyes
-There's something special right behind the bitterness she hides.
-	And you're fair game,
-	You never know what she'll decide, you're fair game,
-	Just relax, enjoy the ride.
-Find a way to reach her, make yourself a fool,
-But do it with a little class, disregard the rules.
-'Cause this one knows the bottom line, couldn't get a date.
-The ugly duckling striking back, and she'll decide her fate.
-	(chorus)
-The ones you never notice are the ones you have to watch.
-She's pleasant and she's friendly while she's looking at your crotch.
-Try your hand at conversation, gossip is a lie,
-And sure enough she'll take you home and make you wanna die.
-	(chorus)
-		-- Crosby, Stills, Nash, "Fair Game"
-%
-Taken from actual police car videos:
-
-(15) Relax!  The handcuffs are tight because they're new.  They'll
-     stretch out after you wear them awhile.
-(14) Take your hands off the car and I'll make your birth certificate
-     a worthless document.
-(13) If you run you'll only go to jail tired.
-(12) Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second?  In case you didn't
-     know that's the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun.
-(11) So you don't know how fast you were going.  I guess that means I
-     can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?
-(10) Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think
-     it will help.  Oh, did I mention that I AM the shift supervisor?
-(9)  Warning? You want a warning?  OK, I'm warning you not to do that
-     again or I'll give you another ticket.
-(8)  The answer to this last question will determine whether you are
-     drunk or not.  Is Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?
-%
-Taken from actual police car videos:
-
-(7) Fair?  You want me to be fair?  Listen, fair is a place where you
-    go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop.
-(6) Yeah, we have a quota.  Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster
-    oven.
-(5) No, sir, we don't have quotas anymore.  We used to have quotas but
-    now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want.
-(4) Just how big were those two beers?
-(3) In God we trust, all others we run through CPIC/NCIC.
-(2) I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of
-    yours.  At least you know someone who can post your bail.
-(1) You didn't think we gave pretty women tickets?
-    You're right, we don't -- sign here.
-%
-Taoism: Shit Happens.
-Confucianism: Confucius say, "Shit Happens".
-Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
-Hinduism: This shit has happened before.
-Protestantism: Shit happens, but it happens to someone else.
-Catholicism: Shit happens, but you deserved it.
-Judaism: Why does shit always happen to US?
-%
-Taxes should hurt.  I just mailed my own tax return last night and I
-am prepared to say "ouch!" as loud as anyone.
-		-- Ronald Reagan
-%
-TAXIDERMIST:
-	A man who mounts animals.
-%
-Teaching undergraduates is like herding sheep.  And, like the old Basque
-sheepherder explained, whenever the livestock starts looking good to you,
-it's time to spend a night in town.
-%
-Tear leather:
-	To become excited, as in the sentence "Robin Hood tore
-	his leather jerkin' off."
-%
-Tearing off a quicky:
-	Gunning the jump.
-%
-Teddy Kennedy:	A Blond in Every Pond!
-%
-Teen-age prostitution: the problem is mounting!
-%
-Television is a whore.  Any man who wants her full favors can have them
-in five minutes with a pistol.
-		-- Hijacker, quoted in "Esquire"
-%
-Tell you what," the haberdasher said to a persistent job applicant.  "I've
-got one suit I can't sell -- that purple, green and yellow number over there.
-If you can make that sale, you've not only got the job, you've got it for
-life."
-	Then the store owner left for lunch.  When he returned, he was shocked
-to see the young man's clothes in tatters and his hands and face bleeding.
-	"My God, what happened to you?"
-	"I sold the suit!  I sold the suit!" the young man shouted, a smile
-on his bloodied lips.
-	"Congratulations," the haberdasher said.  "You've got the job.  But
-what happened?  Did the customer start a fight?"
-	"Oh, no," the new salesman replied.  "But his Seeing Eye dog was
-*pissed*."
-%
-Tequila my girl, is deceiving:
-Take two at the very most.
-Take three and you're under the table,
-Take four and you're under the host.
-%
-Test makers do it:
-	A: sometimes
-	B: always
-	C: never
-	D: none of the above.
-%
-TEXAN:
-	A wet-back that didn't make Oklahoma.
-%
-Thank God for the Duchess of Gloucester,
-She obliges all who accost her.
-	She welcomes the prick
-	Of Tom, Harry or Dick,
-Or Baldwin, or even Lord Astor.
-%
-That girl could suck the chrome off a bumper.
-%
-That Harvard don down at El Djim --
-Oh, wasn't it nasty of him,
-	With the whole harem randy,
-	The sheik himself handy,
-To muss up a young camel's quim.
-%
-That naughty old Sappho of Greece
-Said: "What I prefer to a piece
-	Is to have my pudenda
-	Rubbed hard by the enda
-The little pink nose of my niece."
-%
-That reminds me of a friend of mine who went north to work on the Alaskan
-pipeline.  Before he went up there, he was just a skinny little runt.  When
-he got back, he was a husky fucker.
-%
-The abbess of a nunnery was instructing a group of novices on the house rules
-of her particular order.  The indoctrination period, which went on for hours,
-began with "No washing of undies in the founts," and ended with "Lights out at
-nine.  Candles out at ten."
-%
-The acrobats - Tom and Louise-
-Do an act in the nude on their knees.
-	They crawl down the aisle
-	While screwing dog-style,
-As the orchestra plays Kilmer's "Trees."
-%
-The Army is a place where you get up early in the morning to be yelled
-at by people with short haircuts and tiny brains.
-		-- Dave Barry
-%
-The attractive and grief-stricken widow had been living in seclusion at the
-home of her deceased husband's younger brother for several weeks.  One evening,
-when she could no longer control her emotions, she barged into her brother-in-
-law's study and pleaded, "James, I want you to take off my dress."  Shyly,
-the brother-in-law did as she requested.  "Now," she continued, "take off my
-slip."  He again complied.  "And now," she said, with a slight blush, "remove
-my panties and bra."  Once more James obeyed her command.
-	Then, regaining her composure, she stared directly at the young man
-and boldly announced, "I have only one more request, James.  Don't ever let
-me catch you wearing my things again."
-%
-The babe, with a cry brief and dismal,
-Fell into the water baptismal;
-	Ere they'd gathered its plight,
-	It had sunk out of sight,
-For the depth of the font was abysmal.
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-The bedsprings next door jounce and creak:
-They have kept me awake for a week.
-	Why do newlyweds
-	Select squeaky beds
-To develop their fucking technique?
-%
-The best way to cut off a cat's tail is to repossess his Jaguar.
-%
-The Bible says that woman was the last thing God made.
-Evidently He made her on Saturday night.  She reveals his fatigue.
-		-- Dumas
-%
-The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that
-sex for money usually costs a lot less.
-		-- Brendan Francis
-%
-The bishop of Alexandretta
-Loved a girl and he couldn't forget her.
-	So he thought he'd enshrine her
-	As the Holy Vagina
-In the Church of the Sacred French Letter.
-%
-The blacksmith told me before he died,
-And I have no reason to believe that he lied,
-That no matter how he tried,
-His wife was never satisfied!
-
-And so he built a bloody great wheel,
-Harnessed to a cock of steel,
-Two balls of brass were filled with cream,
-And the whole damn thing was driven by steam.
-
-Round and round went the bloody great wheel,
-In and out went the cock of steel,
-Till at last the maiden cried,
-"Enough! Enough! I am satisfied!"
-
-And now we come to the crucial bit --
-There was no way of stopping it.
-And she was split from hole to hole,
-And the whole fucking thing was covered in shit...
-%
-The blind daters had really hit it off and at the end of the evening, as
-they were beginning to undress each other in his apartment, the fellow said,
-	"Before we go any further, Charmaine, tell me -- do you have
-any special fetishes that I should take into account in bed?"
-	"As a matter of fact," smiled the girl, "I do happen to have a foot
-fetish -- but I suppose I'd settle for maybe seven or eight inches."
-%
-The bottom-up approach always gets me buggered.
-		-- Sidney J. Hurtubise
-%
-The boys in the Epperson family all acquired fine educations except for Edward.
-They made him go to school, but most of the time he just ignored what was said
-there.  Yet there were rare moments when he could display a bit of curiosity.
-	One day Edward was sitting at home looking at a magazine, and he said
-to his brilliant older brother, Hud, he said, "Hud, what does fox pass mean?"
-	Brother Hud gave the question some deep consideration and then said,
-"You must mean _faux_pas_."
-	"The way it's spelled," said dumb Ed, "it's fox pass."
-	Hud took a look at the way it was spelled and then said, "It's a French
-phrase -- it means a social blunder.  Remember last Sunday when the Bishop came
-for dinner?  Mother took him out in the garden and they were looking over the
-roses when the Bishop got stuck on the thumb by a thorn.  It was bleeding quite
-a bit so Mother brought him in the house.  They went into the bathroom together
-and stayed quite a while, and when they came out we all went to the dinner
-table.  Remember all that, Ed?"
-	"Yeh."
-	"Now," Hud continued, "you recall that I was just getting to pass
-the gravy when Mother said, 'Bishop, does your prick still throb?'  The gravy
-bowl flew out of my hands and hit the table, and the gravy splattered all
-over everyone.  And just at that point you, Brother Edward, you hollered,
-'Sheee-itt!'  You remember that?"
-	"Yeh."
-	"Well, when you hollered 'Sheee-itt!' that was a _faux_pas_."
-%
-The bustard's a remarkable fowl
-With surely no reason to growl
-	He escapes what would be
-	Illegitimacy
-By the grace of a fortunate vowel.
-%
-The butcher, the baker, the candlestick make her, why can't I?
-%
-The computer is the ultimate polluter.
-Its shit is indistinguishable from the food it produces.
-%
-The country girl who became a city madam
-has obviously gone from rags to rigids.
-%
-The cruelest of creatures' the crab
-With claws that can pinch you or stab,
-	And then when you dine
-	On crab and white wine
-It gets you as well with the tab.
-%
-The difference between a lawyer and a rooster is that
-the rooster gets up in the morning and clucks defiance.
-%
-The difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball
-is that you can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.
-%
-The difference between graffiti and philosophy is the word "fuck".
-%
-The difference between her and the Titanic is that only 1100 men
-went down on the Titanic.
-%
-The difference between like and love is the
-same as the difference between a spit and a swallow.
-%
-The difference between this school and a cactus plant is that the
-cactus has the pricks on the outside.
-%
-The difference between women and girls
-is as much as twenty years in some states.
-%
-The Dowager Duchess of Spout
-Collapsed at the height of a rout;
-	She found strength to say
-	As they bore her away:
-"I should never have taken the trout."
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-The early worm gets the bird.
-%
-The ecumenical movement has reached a milestone with the agreement on the
-text of the first Jewish-Catholic prayer -- one that begins "Oy vay, Maria".
-%
-The Enterprise crew when off work
-Will fuck like an Ottoman Turk.
-	Uhura the Zulu
-	Is shacked up with Sulu,
-And Spock shares a crew girl with Kirk.
-%
-The Enterprise girls, so one hears,
-Have chased Spock for several years.
-	His look of disdain
-	Has spared them great pain,
-For his prick is as sharp as his ears.
-%
-The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the Devil
-out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for bridge.
-		-- Letter in NEW LIBERTARIAN NOTES #19
-%
-The fearless old bishop of Brest
-Put his faith in the Lord to the test.
-	He fucked whores in the apse
-	With chancres and claps,
-But first they were sprinkled and blessed.
-%
-The first child of a Mrs. Keats-Shelley
-Came to light with its face in its belly;
-	Her second was born
-	With a hump and a horn,
-And her third was as shapeless as jelly.
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-The First: I'm not a demon little girl, I am something that you can't
-	even conceive.  The first evil.  Beyond sin, beyond death.
-	I am the thing the darkness fears.  You'll never see me but I
-	am everywhere.  Every being, every thought, every drop of hate.
-Buffy:	Alright I get it, you're evil.  Do we have to chat about it all day?
-		-- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Amends"
-		   Season 3, Episode 10
-%
-The first time we slept together she drove a recreational vehicle into
-the bedroom.
-		-- Richard Lewis
-%
-The five-alarm fire had been raging out of control for hours, pouring thick,
-black smoke over the street.  At last the blaze was under control and the
-fire chief began accounting for his men.  Two were missing, so he ordered
-a search.  Captain Kelly finally rounded a fire truck parked in an alley
-and found, to his shock, one fireman with his trousers down leaning over a
-garbage can and another fireman screwing him in the ass.
-	"What's the meaning of this!", the captain roared.
-	"Jones here had passed out from smoke inhalation," the fireman on
-top panted.
-	"You're supposed to give mouth to mouth resuscitation for that!"
-the captain yelled.
-	"I know.  That's what started this," the fireman replied.
-%
-The Fortune Travel Agency offers a special... Vacation in Hell!
-	-- Grace Kelly drives you to the airport.
-	-- Thurman Munson flies you to a remote tropical island.
-	-- Ted Kennedy's your chauffeur on the island.
-	-- You go yachting with Natalie Wood.
-	-- You have drinks with William Holden.
-	-- And Roman Polanski stays at home and watches your kids.
-%
-The fucking ain't worth the fighting.
-%
-The genital area of Ann
-Will accommodate any size man,
-	From the wee that cause titters
-	To the mighty twat-splitters
-That cause screams peasants hear in Japan.
-%
-The girls that go to see a man's etchings
-may not know art, but they know what they like.
-%
-The good doctor had been an inspiration to the jungle natives.  He had cured
-their sick and taught them the religious and moral values of his own England.
-He was loved and respected by every native in the village, but on this
-particular afternoon the chief was obviously troubled as he entered the
-doctor's hut.  "You live among my people long time now," said the chief.
-"You tell us not right for a man and girl to be close together before
-marriage and we believe what you say.  This morning white child born to
-woman in village.  You only white man in jungle.  What I tell my people?"
-	The doctor smiled and led the chief to a window.  "My son," he said,
-"I'll won't attempt to give you a full scientific explanation for the
-phenomenon known as an albino.  But look at the flock of sheep upon that
-hill.  Every one is snow white except one.  The white baby born to the
-woman in your village means nothing more or less than that one black sheep
-in the white flock.  It is simply one of nature's mysterious accidents."
-	The black chief became embarrassed and looked at his feet. "OK, doc,"
-he said.  "You no tell -- I no tell."
-%
-The good news is that the horse is dead, but your mother's pregnant.
-%
-The good thing about masturbation is that you don't have to dress up for it.
-		-- Truman Capote
-%
-The government [is] extremely fond of amassing great quantities of statistics.
-These are raised to the nth degree, the cube roots are extracted, and the
-results are arranged into elaborate and impressive displays.  What must be
-kept ever in mind, however, is that in every case, the figures are first
-put down by a village watchman, and he puts down anything he damn well
-pleases.
-		-- Sir Josiah Stamp
-%
-The greatest lies of all time:
-	 (1) I love you.
-	 (2) This won't hurt a bit.
-	 (3) The Mercedes is paid for.
-	 (4) The check is in the mail.
-	 (5) I was just going to call you.
-	 (6) I've always worn cowboy boots.
-	 (7) I swear I won't come in your mouth.
-	 (8) Of course I'll respect you in the morning.
-	 (9) We have a really challenging assignment for you.
-	(10) I'm from the government, and I'm here to help you.
-%
-The Grecians were famed for fine art,
-And buildings and stonework so smart.
-	They distinguished with poise
-	The men from the boys,
-And used crowbars to keep them apart.
-%
-The hacker as a mate/lover and the signs of trouble:
-
--- The morning after note reads:
-	Whiting, Barbara:
-	I enjoyed last night.  We really interfaced.  You looked so cute
-	I wanted to byte your ear.
--- He believes Steve Wozniak offered the Apple to Adam.
--- The people he tries to emulate are five years his junior.
--- The last straw:
-	Once again, your date has lost all track of time debugging a new
-	program and shows up an hour late.
-
-	You Don't...:
-		Make nasty asides regarding his 5-1/4 inch floppy.
-	You Do...:
-		Remind him that "going down" doesn't necessarily
-		indicate a malfunction.
-%
-The harder they come, the more important it is to have
-an extra-firm mattress.
-%
-The honest female orgasm is three to fifteen rhythmic contractions of the
-outer third of the vagina at .8 second intervals, which is approximately
-the beat of "Surfing Safari" by the Beach Boys.  Unless these contractions
-occur, you can regard her groaning, moaning, clawing, kicking, begging for
-mercy, and shouting filthy religious epithets as bargain-basement histrionics.
-		-- John Hughes, National Lampoon
-%
-The honeymoon is over when a quickie before dinner refers to a short drink.
-%
-The hope that springs eternal
-Springs right up your behind.
-		-- Ian Drury, "This Is What We Find"
-%
-The hungover couple dawdled over a midafternoon breakfast, after a
-particularly wild all-night party held in their fashionable apartment.
-	"Dearest, this is rather embarrassing," said the husband, "but
-was it you I made love to in the library last night?"
-	His wife looked at him reflectively and then asked, "About what
-time?"
-%
-The husband was disturbed by his wife's indifferent attitude towards him
-and the marriage counselor suggested he try being more aggressive in his
-lovemaking.
-	"Act more like a romantic lover and less like a bored spouse," he
-was advised.  "When you go home, make love to her as soon as you meet --
-even if it's right inside the front door."
-	At the next consultation, the adviser was pleased to hear that the
-husband had followed his instructions.  "And how did she react this time?"
-the consultant asked.
-	"Well, to tell you the truth," the husband replied, "she was still
-sort of indifferent.  But one thing I've got to admit: her bridge club went
-absolutely wild!"
-%
-The husband wired home that he had been able to wind up his business trip a
-day early and would be home on Thursday.  When he walked into his apartment,
-however, he found his wife in bed with another man.  Furious, he picked up his
-bag and stormed out.  He met his mother-in-law on the street, told her what
-had happened and announced that he was filing for divorce in the morning.
-	"Give my daughter a chance to explain before you take any action,"
-the older woman pleaded.  Reluctantly, he agreed.
-	An hour later his mother-in-law phoned the husband at his club.
-"I knew my daughter would have an explanation," she said, a note of triumph
-in her voice.  "She didn't receive your telegram!"
-%
-The investment community feels very putupon.  They feel there is no
-reason why they shouldn't earn $1 million to $200 million a year,
-and they don't want to be held responsible for the global financial
-meltdown.
-		-- Daniel Fass, Chairman of United States President
-		   Barack Obama's financial-industry fundraising party
-		   20 October 2009
-%
-The Italian entry in the Eurovision Song Contest, "I Can't Get No
-Contraception", has been withdrawn after the Pope advised them to
-pull it out at the last minute.
-		-- Not the Nine O'Clock News
-%
-The king arranged a regal marriage for his daughter -- a bond that would unite
-two great kingdoms.  Yet, because the young couple seemed so formal to each
-other, he posted a spy outside the royal wedding chamber and demanded a full
-account of the wedding night's progress.
-	"It's hard to tell," said the spy the next morning. "When the prince
-entered the chamber, I heard the princess say, quite formally, 'I offer you my
-honor.'  Then the prince said, with equal courtliness, 'I honor your offer.'
-And that's the way it went all night long -- honor, offer, honor, offer.
-%
-The King named Oedipus Rex
-Who started this fuss about sex
-	Put the world to great pains
-	By the spots and the stains
-Which he made on his mother's pubex.
-%
-The King plugged the Queen's ass with mustard
-To make her fuck hot, but got flustered,
-	And cried, "Oh, my dear,
-	I am coming, I fear,
-But the mustard will make you come `plus tard'."
-%
-The kings of Peru were the Incas,
-Who were known far and wide as great drincas.
-	They worshiped the sun
-	And had lots of fun,
-But the peasants all thought they were stincas.
-%
-The largest gay community in the U.S. (as a percentage of total population)
-is not in San Francisco, but in Iowa Falls, Minnesota (pop. 763), a small
-town in which virtually everyone is gay.  In 1976, a group of about 100
-gays fleeing persecution in the South settled in the town, and soon won a
-majority on the town council.  Ordinances prohibiting heterosexual acts
-soon followed.  "After all," said mayor Harry Whalen, "If the Supreme Court
-has refused to strike down laws prohibiting homosexual acts, then our
-anti-straight laws are equally valid."  Rigorous enforcement of those laws
-has resulted in a community that is now almost 100% gay.  Said one long-time
-resident: "I've lived here 35 years and didn't want to leave, but I didn't
-want to give up sex either.  Then my neighbor Ed came over one night, and
-said how about I do it with him, and my wife Millie could do it with his
-wife.  Well, I found it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it was gonna be.
-Fact is, I rather like it."
-%
-The lights are on,
-but you're not home;
-Your will
-is not your own;
-Your heart sweats,
-Your teeth grind;
-Another kiss
-and you'll be mine...
-
-You like to think that you're immune to the stuff
-(Oh Yeah!)
-It's closer to the truth to say you can't get enough;
-You know you're gonna have to face it,
-You're addicted to love!"
-		-- Robert Palmer
-%
-The little boy pointed to two dogs in the park and asked his father what
-they were doing. "They're making puppies, son," replied the father.
-	That night, the boy wandered into his parents' room while they were
-making love.  Asked what they were doing, the father replied, "Making you
-a baby brother."
-	"Gee, Dad," the boy pleaded, "turn her over -- I'd rather have a
-puppy."
-%
-The little old lady rushed into the taxidermist and unwrapped a package
-containing two recently deceased monkeys.  Her instructions to the proprietor
-were delivered in a welter of tears.
-	"Favorite pets... (blubber,sob)... caught cold... (moan)...  Don't
-see how I'll live without them... (weep,sob)... want to have them stuffed...
-(blubber,blubber)!"
-	"Of course, madam," said the proprietor in an understanding voice,
-"and would you care to have them mounted?"
-	"Oh, no," she sobbed, "shaking hands.  They were just close friends."
-%
-The long-peckered Bey of Algiers
-Loved to spear chubby lads in their rears.
-	A demon for semen,
-	This buffersome he-man
-Shot the chute till it seeped from their ears.
-%
-The man and woman make love, attain climax, fall separate.  Then she
-whispers, "I'll tell you who I was thinking of if you tell me who you
-were thinking of."  Like most sex jokes the origins of the pleasant
-exchange are obscure.  But whatever the source, it seldom fails to evoke
-a certain awful recognition.
-		-- Gore Vidal, "New York Review of Books"
-%
-The man who said "A bird in the hand's worth two in the bush" has been
-putting his bird in the *WRONG* bushes.
-%
-The man-hating woman, like the cold woman, is largely imaginary.  She
-is simply a woman who has done her best to snare a man and has failed.
-		-- Norton
-%
-The Messiah will come.  There will be a resurrection of the dead -- all
-the things that Jews believed in before they got so damn sophisticated.
-		-- Rabbi Meir Kahane
-%
-The mind is its own place, and in itself
-Can make a Heaven of Hell, a Hell of Heaven.
-What matter where, if I be still the same,
-And what I should be, all but less than he
-Whom thunder hath made greater? here at least
-We shall be free; the almighty hath not built
-Here for his envy, will not drive us hence;
-Here we may reign secure, and, in my choice,
-To reign is worth ambition, though in Hell:
-Better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven.
-		-- Satan, Milton's "Paradise Lost", I, 254-263
-%
-The more crap you put up with, the more crap you're going to get.
-%
-The more I learn about women, the more I love my dog.
-%
-The most common form of marriage proposal: "YOU'RE WHAT!?"
-%
-The most pressing issue facing women today is finding a contraceptive
-jelly that smells like a fresh fruit salad.
-%
-The most romantic thing any woman ever said to me in bed was
-"Are you sure you're not a cop?"
-		-- Larry Brown
-%
-The most unfair thing about STDs (sexually transmitted diseases) is
-that the guys who bought vasectomies have to wear condoms anyway.
-%
-The most unsatisfactory men are those who pride themselves on their
-virility and regard sex as if it were some form of athletics at which
-you win cups. It is a woman's spirit and mood which a man has to
-stimulate in order to make sex interesting.  The real lover is the
-man who can thrill you by just touching your head or smiling into
-your eyes - or just by staring into space.
-		-- Marilyn Monroe
-%
-The mother of the year should be a sterilized woman with two
-adopted children.
-		-- Paul Ehrlich
-%
-The moving finger having writ... gestures.
-%
-The moyel who treated young Alec
-Was cross-eyed and hydrocephalic.
-	Presented the child
-	His aim was so wild
-He rendered the poor boy biphallic.
-%
-THE MX IS GOOD FOR THE ECONOMY.  One important reason we have a Defense
-Department is that when we give it money, it spends it, which creates
-jobs, whereas if we left the money in the hands of civilians, we don't
-know what they'd do with it.  Probably put it in open trenches and set
-it on fire.  The MX will create an especially large number of jobs
-because of the number of warheads it carries.  It carries a total of 10
-warheads.  This creates a great deal of employment, because you have
-your Warhead Makers, your Warhead Lifters, your Persons Who Tap the
-Warheads Gently with Rubber Mallets to Wedge Them All Snugly Into the
-Nose Cone, your Persons Who Just Walk Around Playing Soothing Cassettes
-by Recording Artists such as Perry Como So We Don't Have Any More
-Episodes Where a Worker Who is Experiencing Some Strain Sticks a
-Warhead in the Employee Cafeteria Microwave and Sets It On Roast, etc.
-We are talking about a lot of jobs.
-		-- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
-		   Political Fallout"
-%
-The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on
-their wedding night and reprimanded him severely.
-	"I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at
-the dinner table."
-	Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair
-and climbed quietly between the sheets.  "Is that better?" he asked, with a
-hint of a smile.
-	"Yes," replied the girl, "much better."
-	"Very good, darling," the husband whispered.  "Now would you
-be so kind as to please pass the pussy?"
-%
-The new cinematic emporium
-Is not just a super-sensorium,
-	But a highly effectual
-	Heterosexual
-Mutual masturbatorium.
-%
-The new priest was so nervous about performing his first mass that he could
-hardly speak.  He asked his Monsignor how he could relax.  The Monsignor
-replied that it might help relax him to add just a bit of vodka to the water
-pitcher.  The next Sunday, after following the Monsignor's advice, the priest
-returned to the rectory to find a note from that worthy.
-
-	1. Next time sip rather than gulp.
-	2. There are ten commandments, not 12.
-	3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
-	4. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T".
-	5. The recommended grace before meals is not,
-		"Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, Yaaaay, God!"
-	6. Do not refer to our Saviour, Jesus Christ, and his
-		Apostles as "J.C. and the Boys".
-	7. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
-	8. The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are never referred
-		to as, "Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook".
-	9. It is always the Virgin Mary, never The Mary with the Cherry.
-	10. Last, but not least, next Wednesday there will be a
-		Taffy-Pulling Contest at St.Peter's, not a Peter-Pulling
-		Contest at St. Taffy's.
-%
-The new rooster caused a great stir in the barnyard.  From resplendent comb
-to defiant spurs, he was the picture of young bantamhood.  Almost immediately
-upon arrival, he was greeted by an elderly rooster who took him behind the
-barn and whispered in his ear: "Young fellow, I'm long past my prime.  All I
-want now is peace and solitude.  So you take over right now as ruler of the
-roost with my blessings."
-	The newcomer did just that.  He went about his squirely duties as only
-a young rooster could.  After several days, however, the elder rooster again
-took the young champion behind the barn.  "Kid," he said, "the hens are after
-me for giving up my position so readily.  So why don't we have a race, say,
-ten laps around the farmhouse?  The winner becomes undisputed keeper of the
-henhouse and the hens will stop nagging me."
-	The young rooster, with only contempt for his elder, agreed.
-Surprisingly, the older one jumped off to an early lead.  His counterpart,
-weakened by the activities of the previous week, was never quite able to
-overtake him.  As they rounded the barn for the fourth time, the elder rooster
-maintained a formidable lead.
-	Suddenly, a shotgun blast rang out.  The young rooster fell in the
-dust, his plumage riddled with buckshot.
-	"Dammit, Emmy," said the farmer.  "That's the last rooster we buy
-from Ferguson.  Four of 'em this month, and every one's been queer."
-%
-The nipples of Sarah Sarong
-When excited are twelve inches long
-	This embarrassed her lover
-	Who was pained to discover
-She expected no less of his dong
-%
-The notorious Duchess of Peels
-Saw a fisherman fishing for eels.
-	Said she, "Would you mind? --
-	Shove one up my behind.
-I am anxious to know how it feels."
-%
-The office brown-noser named Bunky
-Would claim he was nobody's flunky.
-	But when the chips were all down,
-	His proboscis was brown,
-And there hung many strands which were gunky.
-%
-The only difference between your current lover and a doorknob is
-that a doorknob warms up when you hold it.
-%
-The only difference between your girlfriend
-and a barracuda is the nail polish.
-%
-The only excuse for God is that he doesn't exist.
-		-- Stendhal
-%
-The only psychologically damaging thing about masturbation is
-that there's nobody else to blame later for persuading you to do it.
-%
-The only thing faster than the speed of light is shit flowing downhill.
-		-- Mike O'Dell
-%
-The only way for writers to meet is to share a quick pee over a common
-lamp-post.
-		-- Cyril Connolly, "Journal and Memoir"
-%
-The only way I can lose this election is if I'm caught in
-bed with a dead girl or a live boy.
-		-- Edwin Edwards, Louisian governor
-%
-The only way to behave to a woman is to make love to
-her if she is pretty and to someone else if she is plain.
-		-- Oscar Wilde
-%
-The only way you'll ever hear from
-me is if you're living in the same hell.
-		-- Roy Harper
-%
-The operator's left hand quivered as she gingerly unlatched the
-catch to the diskette reader.  Uncontrollably, she reached down,
-guiding the sharply pointed diskette into the deep, dark slot.
-The floppy diskette nearly folded under the repeated thrusts of
-her hand, until finally she could control it no longer, her right
-hand instinctively taking an option zero.  And then it all came at
-once, thousands upon thousands of data bits flowing from diskette
-to disk in a torrent of torrid transfer, as the helpless legs
-of the 32 strained to remain on the floor.
-%
-The other night I was having sex, but the girl hung up on me.
-%
-The outraged husband discovered his wife in bed with another man.
-	"What is the meaning of this?" he demanded.  "Who is this fellow?"
-	"That seems like a fair question," said the wife, rolling over.
-"What IS your name?"
-%
-The partition of Vavasour Scowles
-Was a sickener: they came on his bowels
-	In a firkin; his brain
-	Was found clogging a drain,
-And his toes were inside of some towels.
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-The penis mightier than the sword.
-%
-The perfect woman:
-	Four feet tall, no teeth and a flat head so you can rest
-	your drink.
-
-	[Pistol-grip ears?  Ed.]
-%
-The pleasure is momentary,
-The position ridiculous,
-The expense damnable.
-		-- Chesterfield, on sex
-%
-The pleasure is transitory, the cost
-prohibitive, and the position ridiculous.
-		-- Disraeli, on sex
-%
-The plural of spouse is spice.
-		-- Robert A. Heinlein
-%
-The police were investigating the mysterious death of a prominent businessman
-who had jumped from a window of his 11th story office.  His voluptuous private
-secretary could offer no explanation for the action but said that her boss had
-been acting peculiarly ever since she started working for him a month ago.
-	"After my very first week on the job," she said, "I received a
-twenty-dollar raise.  At the end of the second week he called me into his
-private office, gave me a lovely black nightie, five pairs of nylon stockings
-and said, 'These are for a beautiful, efficient secretary.'  At the end of the
-third week he gave me a gorgeous mink stole.  Then, this afternoon, he called me
-into his private office again, presented me with this fabulous diamond bracelet
-and asked me if I would consider making love to him and what it would cost.
-I told him I would, and because he had been so nice to me, he could have it
-for five dollars, although I was charging all the other boys in the office ten
-dollars.  That's when he jumped out the window."
-%
-The poor little doe
-Crawled out of the woods,
-Tired, bedraggled and blue.
-"Look," she said, "What I did for a buck,
-I should have asked for two!"
-%
-The Pope is working on a crossword puzzle one Sunday afternoon.  He stops
-for a moment, scratches his forehead, then asks a Cardinal, "Can you think
-of a four-letter word for `woman' that ends in `u-n-t'?"
-	"Aunt," replies the Cardinal.
-	"Say, thanks," says the Pope.  "You got an eraser?"
-%
-The prick of the engineer, Scott,
-Fell off from Saturnian rot.
-	He went to the basement
-	And made a replacement
-Of tungsten and plastic and snot.
-%
-The priest at Sunday mass noticed that Michael took a ten-dollar bill and two
-one-dollar bills from the collection plate, instead of putting something in.
-He thought to himself, I'd better watch out for Michael.  The next week he
-noticed the same thing.  So he waited outside church when mass was over, and
-as Michael came out, he accosted his and said,
-	"Michael, tell me -- why did you take out a ten-dollar bill and two
-singles two weeks in a row, instead of putting money into the collection?"
-	Michael replied, "Father, I'm embarrassed, but I did it because I
-wanted to go downtown for a blow job."
-	The priest looked surprised but said to Michael, "Listen, don't do
-that anymore.  I'll be watching you from now on."
-	When he got back to the rectory, the priest was still perplexed.
-Finally he decided to call Mother Agatha at the convent.  He said, "Mother,
-you've been such a great friend of mine, I have a question I need to ask you.
-What is a blow job?"
-	Mother Agatha replied, "Oh, twelve dollars, same as downtown."
-%
-The problem with being best man at a wedding is that you never get a
-chance to prove it.
-%
-The problems with "Medflies" may have hurt Jerry Brown's chances to become a
-Senator.  After all, if they won't allow California fruit out of the state,
-how is Brown going to get to Washington?
-%
-The public is an old woman.  Let her maunder and mumble.
-		-- Thomas Carlyle
-%
-The quality of a blow-job is determined by the
-length of sheet you have to pull out of your ass.
-%
-The randy old Bey of Algiers
-Who'd confined his cock-poking to queers,
-	Tried a cunt for a change,
-	And remarked: "It felt strange ...
-Just think what I've missed all these years!"
-%
-The real problem with fucking a sheep is that you have to walk around
-in front every time you want to kiss her.
-%
-The real trouble with women is that they have *all* the pussy.
-%
-The reason big companies have lots and lots of meetings is because
-they can't masturbate.
-%
-The reason Roman Catholics are allowed to use the
-rhythm method of birth control is that it doesn't work.
-%
-The reason that sex is so popular is that it's centrally located.
-%
-The reason we need the MX missile system is that the missiles we
-currently have in the ground are the Minuteman model, which is very
-old.  The Defense Department can't even remember where half of them
-are.  Insects have built nests in them.  People have built houses
-directly over the silos.  What this means, of course, is that if we
-ever needed them to help obliterate all human life on the planet, they
-could be a real embarrassment.  I mean, maybe YOU'RE comfortable with
-the prospect of missiles that are supposed to represent you barging
-over the North Pole trailing shreds of polyester carpeting from some
-recreation room in South Dakota, but your strategic defense planners
-are not.
-		-- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
-		   Political Fallout"
-%
-The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher
-Called a girl a most elegant creature.
-	So she laid on her back
-	And, exposing her crack,
-Said, "Fuck that, you old Sunday School Teacher!"
-%
-The REVERSE function works on the opposite SEXPR.
-%
-The rich man uses Vaseline,
-	The poor man uses lard;
-The worker uses axle grease
-	But gets it twice as hard.
-%
-The romantic young man sat on the park bench with a first date.  He was
-certain his charming words and manner would win her as they had many others.
-	"Some moon out tonight,"he cooed.
-	"There certainly is," she agreed.
-	"Some really bright stars in the sky."
-	She nodded.
-	"Some dew on the grass."
-	"Some do," she said indignantly, "but I'm not that sort."
-%
-The San Francisco police are nothing if not sensitive to the mood of the
-community.  The word is that Dirty Harry has been replaced by Bitchy Gerald.
-%
-The sergeant walked into the shower and caught me giving myself a
-dishonorable discharge.  Without missing a beat, I said, "It's my dick
-and I can wash it as fast as I want!"
-%
-The sex act is the funniest thing on the face of this earth.
-		-- Diana Rigg
-%
-The sex life of spiders is very interesting.
-He fucks her.
-She bites his head off.
-		-- From a Women's Lib Poster
-%
-The sex was nice, but confusing.  The whole situation kept going di-polar
-on Sta-Hi.  One instant Misty would seem like a lovely warm girl who'd
-survived a terrible injury, like a lost puppy to be stroked, a lonely
-woman to be husbanded.  But then he'd start thinking of the wires behind
-her eyes, and he'd be screwing a machine, an inanimate object, a public
-toilet.  Just like with any other woman for him, really.
-		-- Rudy Rucker, "Software"
-%
-The Shah of the Empire of Persia
-Lay for days in a sexual merger.
-	When the nautch asked the Shah,
-	"Won't you ever withdraw?"
-He replied with a yawn, "It's inertia."
-%
-The shy young man had been married for three months when he reported to his
-doctor that his marriage was still in name only.  The doctor, after hearing
-the sad tale, told him that waiting until bedtime to make advances was causing
-psychological pressure and advised him to take advantage of the next time he
-felt in the mood.  A week later, the doctor happened to meet the man again,
-and noticed a new spring in his step.  "My advice worked, I take it?" he
-inquired.
-	The young man grinned.  "Perfectly.  The other night, we were having
-supper, and as I reached for the salt -- so did she!  Our hands touched... It
-was as if an electric current ran through us.  I leaped to my feet, swept the
-dishes from the table and then and there consummated our marriage!  There's
-just one problem, however.  We can't go back to The Four Seasons again..."
-%
-The sight of his guests filled Lord Cray
-At breakfast with horrid dismay,
-	So he launched off the spoons
-	The pits from his prunes
-At their heads as they neared the buffet.
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-The skater, Barbara Ann Scott
-Is so fuckingly "winsome" a snot,
-	That when posed on her toes
-	She elaborately shows
-Teeth, fat ass, titties and twat.
-%
-The spouse of a pretty young thing
-Came home from the wars in the spring.
-	He was lame but he came
-	With his dame like a flame --
-A discharge is a wonderful thing.
-%
-The star of that X-rated hit
-Plays a nurse with a throat full of clit.
-	This serves as a palace
-	For each turgid phallus--
-Some say that the plot is pure shit.
-%
-The State of California has no business subsidizing intellectual
-curiosity.
-		-- Ronald Reagan
-%
-The Stealth Condom -- they'll never see you coming.
-%
-The struggling for knowledge has a pleasure in it
-like that of wrestling with a fine woman.
-		-- Lord Halifax
-%
-The Sultan was peeved with his harem,
-And cooked up a scheme for to scare'em.
-	He caught a big mouse
-	Which he loosed in the house.
-(Such confusion is called harem-scarem).
-%
-The sun was shining brightly		The breeze was blowing briskly,
-And I could hardly wait,		It made the flowers sway,
-To ponder at my window			The garden was enchanting
-And gaze at my estate.			On this inspiring day.
-
-My eyes fell on a little bird,		I smiled at him cheerfully
-With a beautiful yellow bill,		And gave him a crust of bread,
-I beckoned him to come and light	And then I closed the window
-Upon my window sill.			And smashed his fucking head.
-		-- "Good Morning", Debbie Smith
-%
-The superpowers often behave like two heavily armed blind men feeling
-their way around a room, each believing himself in mortal peril from
-the other, whom he assumes to have perfect vision.  Each tends to
-ascribe to the other side a consistency, foresight and coherence that
-its own experience belies.  Of course, even two blind men can do
-enormous damage to each other, not to speak of the room.
-		-- Henry Kissinger
-%
-"The testes are cooler outside,"
-Said the doc to the curious bride,
-	"For the semen must not
-	Get too fucking hot,
-And the bag fans your bum on the ride."
-%
-The three faithful things in life are money, a dog and an old woman.
-%
-The three most important parts of a stove: lifter, leg, and poker.
-%
-The three sexual positions during pregnancy.
-
-During the first four months:	Missionary style
-During the second four months:	Doggie style
-And during the last month:	Coyote style
-
-Coyote style?
-	You sit by the hole and howl.
-%
-The time has come for kicking ass and taking names.
-%
-The townspeople stood in despair as the fire that had begun in a diner
-threatened to spread to adjoining homes.  Just then, a truck filled with
-farm workers came speeding down a hill toward the fire.  The crowd moved
-back and the truck drove right into the thickest of the flames.  The workers
-jumped out and beat at the fire with their coats, miraculously bringing the
-blaze under control.
-	The city fathers were so grateful for the men's heroism that they
-gave each a plaque and $1000.  After the ceremony, newsmen interviewed the
-driver and asked him what he was going to do with the money.
-	"You can be damned sure the first thing I'm gonna do," he replied,
-"is get the brakes fixed on that son-of-a-bitchin' truck!"
-%
-The truth about a woman often lasts longer than the woman is true.
-%
-The two couples were enjoying their vacation together at a resort hotel.  They
-were in the middle of a game of Scrabble in the lobby when a thunderstorm cut
-off the hotel's electricity, leaving little to do but retire to their rooms.
-Bill was a rather devout man, so before getting into bed with his companion,
-he said his prayers.  As he got under the covers, the lightning suddenly
-flashed through the window and he discovered that he was in the wrong room.
-He instantly jumped up and started to dash for the hallway.  "It's too late,
-called the girl from the bed, "my guy doesn't pray."
-%
-The two men feigned friendship but secretly hated each other's guts and took
-great pleasure in giving one another the needle on any and all occasions.
-This particular evening they met, quite by accident, at a popular bar.
-The conversation started innocently enough; then one, with sudden inspiration,
-ran his hand over the other's bald head and exclaimed,
-	"By God, Fred, that feels just like my wife's ass!"
-The other ran his own hand over his head and nonchalantly retorted,
-	"Well, I'll be damned, Jim, so it does, so it does!"
-%
-The two things that you should never lend out are your car
-or your woman.  Someone's bound to throw a rod in either one.
-%
-The Unitarians are really just a bunch of atheists who really
-like going to church.
-%
-The United States Army:
-194 years of proud service,
-unhampered by progress.
-%
-The Utah version of this joke goes:
-	One of the Council of the Twelve runs breathlessly into the Presidents'
-office one day.  The President looks up and says "Brother, what is so important
-that you ran all the way here, losing your breath?"
-	The Council member finally regains his breath, and says "The Savior is
-in the lobby!!"
-	The President immediate starts for the door, crying "It has come!  The
-prophecies are fulfilled!  We are all about to be uplifted!"
-	The Council member says "Wait!  You didn't let me finish!  She's...
-black, and SHE IS PISSED!"
-%
-The very proper spinster didn't go out very often, but she had some important
-shopping to do that morning and so decided to have her lunch in what appeared
-to be a nice quiet respectable restaurant.  With the noontime crowd, many
-customers shared their tables with strangers; the spinster selected a seat
-next to an attractive, young office girl.  The girl finished her sandwich and
-coffee, then settled back and lit up a cigarette.  The older woman controlled
-herself for a few moments and then snapped,
-	"I'd rather commit adultery than smoke in public."
-	"So would I," said the girl, "but I only have half an hour for lunch."
-%
-The voters have spoken, the bastards.
-%
-The wages of sin are high -- unless you know someone who does it for nothing.
-%
-The warden of the De Luxington preparatory school for boys was holding a
-hearing.  The lad before his desk, a very popular young fellow, was angrily
-accusing one of his schoolmates of having assaulted him sexually.
-	"I must warn you, m'boy, this is a very serious charge, the warden
-said.
-	"I don't care.  I tell you it is true.  He raped me, warden."  The
-youth pointed to another, somewhat larger boy smirking in the corner.
-"That's him, sir, the one who forced me to do all those crimes against
-nature.  The bully!"
-	"Now tell me, son, as closely as you can, when this happened."
-	"Sir, two weeks ago on Wednesday at 4:00, then at 7:00 that same
-evening, on Friday, twice on Saturday, two times on Monday, once on
-Wednesday, and then he met that bitch Roy and he hasn't touched me since."
-%
-The whole religious complexion of the modern world is due to the
-absence from Jerusalem of a lunatic asylum.
-		-- Havelock Ellis
-%
-The whole world is about three drinks behind.
-		-- Humphrey Bogart
-%
-The wife of young Richard of Limerick
-Complained to her husband, "My quim, Rick,
-	Still grows in diameter
-	Each time that you ram at her;
-How can your poor tool stay so slim, Rick?"
-%
-The woman who lives on the moon
-Is still cherishing the balloon
-	Of an earthling who'd come
-	And given her some,
-But had dribbled away all too soon.
-%
-The woman you buy -- and she is the least expensive -- takes a great
-deal of money.  The woman who gives herself takes all your time.
-		-- Honore de Balzac
-%
-The word "spine" is, of course, an anagram of "penis".  This is true in
-almost fifty percent of the languages of the Galaxy, and many people
-have attempted to explain why.  Usually these explanations get bogged
-down in silly puns about "standing erect".
-		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
-%
-The work of Mess Sergeant Potgieter
-Is not merely reading a meter.
-	By orders of Kirk
-	A part of his work
-Is dosing the food with saltpeter.
-%
-The world is an 8000 mile in diameter spherical pile of shit.
-%
-The world is so full of a number of things,
-I'm sure we should all be as happy as kings.
-	I'll tell you a story--
-	It won't take me long--
-Of a brother and sister whose tale is my song.
-
-There was an old fellow and what do you think?
-He lived on the cheese that he scraped from his dink.
-	He whacked it, he hacked it,
-	He ate it with glee-
-Was there ever a fellow so happy as he?
-
-This charming old chap had a sister as well:
-She was ugly and gaunt, with a horrible smell.
-	Her cunt was so dirty
-	It stank like a beast,
-And the odor killed flies as they gathered to feast.
-
-What a wonderful family!  What marvelous style!
-I'll bet you and I aren't close by a mile.
-	Their odor and diet
-	Won't soon be forgotten,
-And one day you and I may be equally rotten.
-%
-The young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her
-first visit home since starting college.
-	"Mom, I have to tell you," the girl confessed.  "I lost my virginity
-last weekend."
-	"I'm not surprised," said her mother.  "It was bound to happen sooner
-or later.  I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience."
-	"Well, yes and no," the pretty student remarked.  "The first eight
-guys felt great, but after them my pussy got real sore."
-%
-The young stud walked into a bordello.  After he took his clothes off, the
-woman was puzzled to see him put a clothespin on his nose, stuff cotton in
-his ears, and put a prophylactic on his penis.
-	"Hey," she asked, "what the hell are you doing?"
-	"Well, ma'am", replied the stud, "there are two things I just can't
-stand.  A screaming woman and the smell of burning rubber."
-%
-Then there was the girl who was engaged
-to a gymnast -- 'til he broke it off.
-%
-Then there was the girl whose boyfriend didn't smoke, drink or
-swear, and never, ever made a pass at her.  He also made his own dresses.
-%
-Then there was the guy that got badly messed up fighting
-for his girl's honor.  It seems she wanted to keep it.
-%
-Then there was the middle-aged businessman who took his spouse to Paris.
-After traipsing with her from one mansion du couture to another, be begged
-for a day off to rest and got it.  With the wife gone shopping again, he
-went to the Ritz Bar and picked up a luscious parisienne.  They got on
-well until the question of money came up.  She wanted a hundred American
-dollars; he offered fifty.  They couldn't get together on the price; so
-they didn't get together.  That evening he escorted his wife to one of the
-nicer restaurants on the Rue de Rivoli, and there he spotted his gorgeous
-babe of the afternoon seated at a table near the door.
-	"See, monsieur?" she said as they passed her.  "Look what you got
-for your lousy fifty bucks."
-%
-Then there was the Scot that wanted to rob a jewelry store -- he tossed a
-brick through the show window and ran off with a king's ransom.  They
-caught him when he came back for the brick.
-%
-There are a couple of things about her I greatly admire.
-%
-There are also a lot of nice buildings in Haiphong.  What their
-contributions are to the war effort I don't know, but the desire to
-bomb a virgin building is terrific.
-		-- Commander Henry Urban, Jr.
-%
-There are Jews in the world, there are Buddhists,	Every sperm is sacred,
-there are Hindus and Mormons and then			Every sperm is great,
-there are those that follow Mohammed  ...But...		If a sperm is wasted,
-I've never been one of them.				God gets quite irate.
-
-I am a Roman Catholic					Every sperm is wanted,
-And have been since before I was born,			Every sperm is good.
-And the one thing they say about Catholics is		Every sperm is needed,
-They'll take you as soon as you're warm.		In your neighborhood.
-
-You don't have to be a six-footer.		Let the heathens spill theirs,
-You don't have to have a great brain.		On the dusty ground.
-You don't have to have any clothes on,		God shall make them pay for
-You're a Catholic the moment Dad came		Each sperm that can't be found.
-...Because...
-
-Hindu, Taoist, Mormon,				Every sperm is useful,
-spill theirs just anywhere			Every sperm is fine.
-but God loves those who treat their		God needs everybodies,
-semen with more care.				Mine, and mine, and mine.
-		-- Monty Python, "Every Sperm is Sacred"
-%
-There are many ways to say "I love you", but fucking is the fastest.
-%
-There are only six Democrats in all of Hinsdale County and you, you son of
-a bitch, you ate five of them.
-		-- Colorado judge, sentencing Alfred E. Packer for
-		   cannibalism in 1874.
-%
-There are revolutions that are sweeping the world and we in America
-have been in a position of trying to stop them.  With all the wealth of
-America, with all of the military strength of America, those
-revolutions are revolutions against a form of political and economic
-organization in the countries of Asia and the Middle East that are
-oppressive.  They are revolutions against feudalism.  [1952]
-		-- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas
-%
-There are so many people wanting a piece of my ass that some of them
-are having to take turns.
-		-- T.K.
-%
-There are some things we mustn't expose,
-So we hide them away in our clothes.
-	Oh, it's shocking to stare
-	At what's certainly there--
-But why this is so, heaven knows.
-%
-There are three religious truths:
-1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
-2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the
-   Christian faith.
-3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or
-   the adult book store.
-%
-There are three women on the fast track in a particular company.  The
-president realizes it's time to promote one of them, but they're all so
-competent that he's not sure which one to choose.  So he devises a little
-test.  One day while they're all at lunch, he places $500 on each of their
-desks.  #1 returns it to him immediately.  #2 pockets it.  #3 invests
-in the market and returns $1,500 to him in the morning.  Who gets the
-promotion?  The one with the big tits!
-%
-There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the shithead's.
-%
-There are two trees in the forest.  They are very proud trees.  One day
-they notice a sapling half-way between them.
-	One tree proclaims, "That is a son of beech!"
-	"No, that is a son of a birch!" insists the other.
-	"A son of a BEECH!"
-	"A son of a BIRCH!"
-	"Son of a beech!"
-	"Son of a birch!"
-
-The fighting attracts a woodpecker who informs them that he can tell what
-kind of tree the sapling is by its taste.  First he tastes the beech and
-the birch.  Then he tastes the sapling.  "Well now, is that a son of a
-beech or a son of a birch?" asks the beech.
-	"You're both wrong!" says the bird.  "That's the best piece of ash
-I've had my pecker in for a long time!"
-%
-There is a definite parallel between shots of tequila and a
-woman's breasts.  One is not enough and three are too many.
-%
-There is a God, but He drinks.
-		-- Blore
-%
-There is a new model of car being sold in San Francisco --
-the pervertible.  The top doesn't go down, but the driver does.
-%
-There is a young faggot named Mose
-Who insists that you fuck his long nose.
-	And you'll double the joy
-	Of this lecherous boy
-If you'll tickle his balls with your toes.
-%
-There is a young lady named Aird,
-Whose bottom is always kept bared.
-	When asked why she pouts,
-	She says "The Boy Scouts,
-All beg me to please Be Prepared!"
-%
-There is nothing as overrated as a bad
-lay, or as underrated as a great shit.
-%
-There is nothing wrong with screwing everyone in sight.
-Boring your friends about it is the sin.
-		-- Mama Liz
-%
-There once was a man named Eugene
-Who invented a screwing machine
-	Concave and convex
-	It served either sex
-And it played with itself in between.
-%
-There once was a Sailor who looked through a glass
-And spied a fair mermaid with scales on her... island.
-Where seagulls flew over their nest.
-She combed the long hair which hung over her... shoulders.
-And caused her to tickle and itch.
-The sailor cried out "There's a beautiful... mermaid.
-A sittin' out there on the rocks."
-The crew came a running, all grabbing their... glasses.
-And crowded four deep to the rail.
-All eager to share in this fine piece of... news.
-...
-"Throw out a line and we'll lasso her... flippers.
-And soon we will certainly find
-If mermaids are better before or be... brave
-My dear fellows," The captain cried out.
-And cursing with spleen.
-This song may be dull, but it's certainly clean.
-		-- "The Clean Song", Oscar Brandt
-%
-There was a man who, every day, would buy a newspaper on the way to work,
-glance at the headline, and hand it back to the newsboy.  Day after day the
-man would go through this routine.  Finally the newsboy could not stand it
-and he asked the man, "Why do you always buy a paper and only look at the
-front page before discarding it?"
-	The man replied, "I am only interested in the obituaries."
-	"But they are on page 21.  You never even unfold the newspaper."
-	"Young man," he replied, "the son-of-a-bitch I'm looking for will
-be on the front page."
-		-- Attributed to FDR
-%
-There was a young man hitchhiking along a road one day.  A car stopped and the
-driver opened the door and asked, "What political party are you with?"
-	He replied, "Why, I'm a Democrat."
-	And the driver slammed the door and rode off.  The guy was pretty
-discouraged when another car came along, and the driver asked the same
-question.
-	The guy answered, "Uh, I'm a Democrat."
-	And again, the driver slammed the door and rode off.  Now he was
-downright confused when another car came along.  The driver was an attractive
-lady, and she asked the same question.
-	He answered: "I'm a Republican."
-	And she answered, "Well, then, hop on in."
-	They drove on for a few minutes when he began to notice that her
-skirt was beginning to get hiked up on her thighs.  Finally, he couldn't take
-it any more, and said "Ma'am, stop the car and let me out.  I've only been
-a Republican for 15 minutes, and already I feel like screwing someone!"
-%
-There was a young tenor named Springer,
-Got his testicles caught in a wringer.
-	He hollered in pain,
-	As they rolled down the drain,
-"There goes my career as a singer!"
-%
-There was once a newly-married couple.  Now these two lovers were, well,
-rather uptight about using expressions such as "having sex", "getting it on",
-or "boffing the brains out".  So, they decided to use the euphemism, "doing
-the laundry" whenever the topic of sex came up.
-	One evening, hubby said, "Well, honey, feel like doing some laundry
-tonite?", and she consented.  The next evening, hubby again asked, "Sweetie,
-feel like doing some laundry tonite?"  Well, wifey wasn't really in the mood,
-but complied.  On the third night, when hubby approached her, asking her to
-participate in doing still MORE laundry, she replied, "Oh, Hon, I'm really not
-in the mood for doing any laundry tonite."
-	Well, hubby, being a bit disappointed, locked himself in the bathroom
-and engaged in a spot of self-abuse instead.  Upon returning to the living
-room, wifey said, "Well, Poopsie, I've changed my mind -- how about doing
-some laundry?"  To which he replied, "Oh, no, that's okay, I just did a small
-load!"
-%
-There was once a salesman who had an outstanding record for selling tooth-
-brushes.  His boss, wondering at his unlikely success, sent a man out to
-follow the salesman on rounds to see what pitch he gave that brought such
-good results.  It was soon found that this particular salesman went to the
-corner of a busy street and opened up his briefcase, and on one side was the
-assortment of toothbrushes, and on the other side various chips and garnishes
-and a bowl of brownish stuff.  He would grab a likely customer and give them
-the following pitch.
-	"Good morning, ma'am, this is a commercial promotion for --- brand
-of chip dip.  Would you care to give it a try?"
-	At that point the person would try it, then spit it out and scream
-in utter disgust, "This tastes like shit!"
-	The salesman would smile and say, "It is.  You want to buy a
-toothbrush?"
-%
-There was something about her I liked,
-but I couldn't put my finger on it.
-%
-There were the Scots
-Who kept the Sabbath
-And everything else they could lay their hands on.
-Then there were the Welsh
-Who prayed on their knees and their neighbors.
-Thirdly there were the Irish
-Who never knew what they wanted
-But were willing to fight for it anyway.
-Lastly there were the English
-Who considered themselves a self-made nation
-Thus relieving the Almighty of a dreadful responsibility.
-%
-There's a handsome boy who tells me how I've changed his past.  He buys me
-a brandy...  Could it be he's really just after my ass?
-		-- Pete Townshend, "How Many Friends"
-%
-There's a tendency today to absolve individuals from moral responsibility and
-treat them as victims of social circumstance.  You buy that, you pay with your
-soul.  It's not men who limit women, it's not straights who limit gays, it's
-not whites who limit blacks.  What limits people is lack of character.  What
-limits people is that they don't have the fucking nerve or imagination to star
-in their own movie, let alone direct it.
-		-- Bernard Mickey Wrangle
-%
-There's a vas deferens between men and women.
-%
-There's amnesia in a hangknot,
-And comfort in the ax,
-But the simple way of poison will make your nerves relax.
-	There's surcease in a gunshot,
-	And sleep that comes from racks,
-	But a handy draft of poison avoids the harshest tax.
-You find rest on the hot squat,
-Or gas can give you pax,
-But the closest corner chemist has peace in packaged stacks.
-	There's refuge in the church lot
-	When you tire of facing facts,
-	And the smoothest route is poison prescribed by kindly quacks.
-Chorus:	With an *ugh!* and a groan, and a kick of the heels,
-	Death comes quiet, or it comes with squeals --
-	But the pleasantest place to find your end
-	Is a cup of cheer from the hand of a friend.
-		-- Jubal Harshaw, "One For The Road"
-%
-There's been no top authority saying what marijuana does to you.  I
-really don't know that much about it.  I tried it once but it didn't do
-anything to me.
-		-- John Wayne
-%
-There's many a slurp t'wixt the tip and the zip.
-%
-There's more than one way to skin a cat:
-	#15 -- Krazy Glue and a toothbrush.
-%
-There's more than one way to skin a cat:
-	#27 -- Use an electric sander.
-%
-There's more than one way to skin a cat:
-	#32 -- Wrap it around a lonely frat man's pecker.
-%
-There's more than one way to skin a cat:
-	#33 -- A bicycle pump.
-%
-There's nothing better than good sex.  But bad sex?  A peanut butter
-and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex.
-		-- Billy Joel
-%
-There's nothing wrong with America that a good erection wouldn't cure.
-		-- David Mairowitz
-%
-They ought to make butt-flavored cat food.
-		-- Gallagher
-%
-They watched the sun slowly sink behind the hills, and the fiery glow on the
-lake fade into darkness. He eyed her shadowy figure, accentuated by the moon-
-light, as the tension from within began to fuel his animalistic desires.
-She followed him, ever so quietly, as they sought a secluded corner in the
-barn.  Alone!  At last.  His hands roamed about her soft back, around to her
-thighs, and finally caressed her budding nipples.  Oh, how smooth and succulent
-she was!  "Was it so wrong?", he asked himself.  No, he thought, for his
-father had done it, as did his own father, ad infinitum.  The boiling,
-uncontrollable rage within him became unbearable.  She signaled her eagerness,
-spreading her legs, as he grasped her nipples again.  Stroking, again and
-again, longer each time.  It began coming; again, again, again, again.  His
-mind raced with fear "Will it stop?".  Exhausted, he lay down beside her.
-"Dear God, what have I done?".  Suddenly, his father burst in.  His eyes
-burned as he stared for what seemed an eternity.  Finally, his father spoke.
-	"Son, you ain't supposed to milk the damn cow till mornin'!"
-%
-They're just jealous because they don't have three
-wise men and a virgin in the whole organization.
-		-- Mayor Vincent J. "Buddy" Cianci, on the
-		   ACLU's suit to have a city nativity scene removed.
-%
-This Czech walks into police station in 1968 during the Fraternal Assistance.
-Czech:	Hey, out there in the street, a Swiss soldier knocked me down and
-	took my Russian watch.
-Desk Sergeant:	Come again?
-Czech:	Right out there in the street, a Swiss soldier knocked me down and
-	took my Russian watch.
-DS:	You're confused.  Why would there be a Swiss soldier here?  And who
-	would want to own a Russian watch?  It was a Russian soldier who
-	knocked you down and took your Swiss watch, right?
-Czech:	Well, maybe, but you said it, not me.
-%
-This fellow rushed into a crowded tavern on Saturday night.  Men and women
-stood three-deep at the bar.  Our man, who felt nature calling strongly,
-looked about him but couldn't see anything that resembled a john.  He saw a
-stairway and bounded up the steps to the second floor in his increasingly
-desperate search.  Just as his bowels threatened to erupt, he spotted a
-one-foot by one-foot hole in the floor.  Now, at the end of his control, he
-decided to take advantage of the hole.  He dropped his pants, hunched over it,
-and did his thing.  Thoroughly relieved and relaxed, he sauntered down the
-steps to find, to his surprise, that the crowded bar was now empty.
-	"Hey!" he yelled to the seemingly empty room, "Where is everyone?"
-	From behind the bar a voice responded, "Hey!  Where were you when
-the shit hit the fan?"
-%
-This guy makes an appointment with a doctor because his hemorrhoids are
-really bothering him.  The doctor gives him some suppositories and tells
-him to come back in a week for a checkup.  "How's it going?" he asks
-the patient a week later.
-	"I gotta tell you the truth, Doc," said the man.  "For all the
-good these pills did me, I coulda shoved them up my ass."
-%
-This guy, see, was walkin' down the street sportin' two -- not one, but two
--- black eyes; a coupla real shiners.  He chanced upon his buddy walkin' th'
-other way... they stopped to talk...  "Hey guy," sez his buddy, "where'd'ja
-git them good lookin' shiners?  Musta been a helluva fight."
-	"Well, actually, I got them in church," sez he.
-	"Nowwaitaminnit," sez the friend, "nobody gits black eyes in church!"
-	"I swear I did," sez he, "and here's how it happened.  We all got up
-to sing a hymn, you see, and the fat lady in front of me got her dress all
-stuck up in the crack of her butt, so bein' as how I'm a real gennulman an'
-all, well, I leaned forward and pulled it out for her.  And you know what?
-She just turned around, hauled off and slugged me one!"
-	"Well," his buddy replies, after he can talk again, "that shore 'nuff
-explains one of 'em.  Howdja git th' other one?"
-	"Well," sez he, "like I said, I'm a gennulman, even when somebody does
-me wrong, so when I saw she didn't like it like that, I stuck it back in."
-%
-This guy walks into a bank and up to a female bank teller:
-
-Man:	"I want to open a fuckin' savings account."
-Teller:	"Excuse me, sir?"
-M:	"Listen, bitch, I want to open a fuckin' savings account."
-T:	"Sir, I don't have to listen to this abusive language."
-M:	"LOOK!  I just want to open a fuckin' savings account."
-T:	"Sir, you leave me no choice but to speak to the manager."
-
-The teller walks over and explains the customer's rude behavior to the bank
-manager who then accompanies her back to the teller booth.
-
-Mgr:	"Can I help you, sir?"
-M:	"I want to open a fuckin' savings account."
-Mgr:	"Please, sir, we'll be delighted to help you, but we must request
-	that you not use abusive language to our tellers."
-M:	"Look. I just won $25 million in the state lottery and I want to
-	open a fuckin' savings account!"
-Mgr:	"I see.  And has this cunt been giving you any trouble?"
-%
-This guy was screwing his neighbors wife when a car pulls into the drive.
-"My husband!" she screams.  He panics and jumps out the window. He finds
-himself on the street, naked, under cloudy skies. There is no place to hide
-except in a crowd of joggers.  As he runs along, a woman looks over and says,
-	"Do you always jog in the nude?"
-	"Yes ma'am!" he replies.
-	"Does it always result in that kind of sexual excitement?" she asks.
-	"Yes ma'am!" he replies.
-	"Do you always wear a condom?"
-	"Only when it rains, lady.  Only when it rains."
-%
-This hot and dusty cowboy rode in from the mesa, filthy and exhausted.  He
-obviously had had nothing but his horse for company for a couple of weeks
-and was looking forward to a couple of cold beers in the saloon.  Swinging
-off his horse and hitching it to the rail, the cowboy gave his horse an
-affectionate slap on the neck.  Then he astonished an old cowhand lounging
-on the porch by moving around to the horse's hindquarters, lifting up its
-tail and planting a demure kiss on its asshole.
-	"What'd you do that for?" asked the cowhand, completely repulsed.
-	"Chapped lips," said the cowboy, heading for the saloon doors.
-	"Wait a minute," said the old guy.  "Whaddaya mean, chapped lips?"
-	"Keeps ya from lickin' 'em," explained the cowboy.
-%
-This is a test of the emergency cunnilingus system. If this had been an
-actual emergency, you would have known it!
-%
-This is National Smokers-Are-Shits Week.
-%
-This limerick is **SO**FILTHY** that it would offend you.  So I'll put
-"di-dah" for the filthy words:
-
-	Di-dah, di-dah, di-dah di-dah,
-	Di-dah di-dah di-dah, di-dah;
-		Di-dah di-dah di-dah?
-		Di-dah di-dah di-dah.
-	Di-dah di-dah, di-dah di-fuck.
-%
-This story concerns a man who, after putting his son to bed each night, would
-stand by his boy's door and listen to his son saying his prayers.  One night,
-the boy ended his prayers with, "God specially bless Granddad, who won't be
-with us much longer."  The man thought this was rather curious, but passed it
-off as childish whimsy.  The next day, however, he received a call from his
-mother, informing him that his father had passed away early that morning.
-During the next few weeks, he listened particularly closely to his son's
-prayers, but noticed nothing unusual.  Then, one night, the boy ended his
-prayers with, "God specially bless Grandmom, who won't be with us much longer."
-Although the shock of the original incident had worn off during the intervening
-weeks, he nonetheless phoned his mother to inquire as to her health.  He went to
-bed reassured, only to be awakened in the night by his sister calling with the
-news that their mother had died suddenly in the night.  The father had a series
-of psychological tests done; nothing unusual was uncovered.  About a month
-later, the boy ended his prayers with, "God specially bless Daddy, who won't
-be with us much longer."  The man was panic-stricken, certain that he was
-going to die during the night.  He resolved to stay awake all night; if awake
-and alert he should be able to prevent any tragedy.  Morning came.  Breathing
-a huge sigh of relief, he went to get the paper off the porch.  There, lying
-dead on the doorstep, was the milkman.
-%
-This system goes down more often than a two-dollar whore.
-%
-This time it's for love; next time it's $100.00.
-%
-THORNY:
-	A thailor at thea.
-%
-Thou shalt not omit adultery.
-%
-Thought:
-	Girls get minks the same way minks get minks!
-%
-Three fine Irish lads, O'Rourke, O'Malley and O'Donnell, worked together at
-the local brewery.  One day, as fate would have it, O'Rourke fell into one
-of the beer vats and drowned.  O'Malley and O'Donnell, completely crestfallen,
-had to break the news to his wife.
-	They went 'round the Widow O'Rourke's house and informed her that her
-poor dear Patrick had drowned in a beer vat that very day.  Choking back her
-tears, she asked them "Tell me now, did me poor Patty suffer much?"
-	"I don't think so," replied O'Donnell. "He climbed out twice to take
-a piss."
-%
-Three gay guys were discussing what they thought their favorite sport would
-be.  The first decides on football, 'cause of all those gorgeous guys bending
-over in their tight pants.
-	"Definitely wrestling," sighs the second guy.  "Those skimpy little
-costumes, and think of the holds."
-	"Definitely baseball," says the third guy.  "Why?  Well, I'd be
-pitching with the bases loaded, the batter would hit a savage one-hopper
-right to me, I'd catch it, and I'd just stand there while the other guys
-rounded the bases.  Meanwhile, the crowd would be going crazy, screaming,
-`Throw the ball, you cocksucker!' and that's what I like -- recognition!"
-%
-Three minutes of serious sex and I need eight hours of sleep and
-a bowl of Wheaties.
-		-- Richard Pryor
-%
-Three things have been difficult to tame: The oceans, fools,
-and women. We may soon be able to tame the ocean.  Fools and
-women will take a little longer.
-		-- Spiro Agnew
-%
-Three women always hang their laundry out in the backyard.  When it rains,
-however, the laundry always gets wet.  All the laundry, that is, except
-for Laurie's.  Laurie never seems to have her laundry out when it rains.
-	So, one day, they are all out in the backyard putting their clothes
-on the line when one of the women says to Laurie, "Laurie, how come it
-never rains when you have your laundry out?"
-	"Well," replies Laurie, "when I wake up in the morning, I check out
-my husband Paul.  If his penis is hanging over his right leg, I know it's
-going to be a great day.  If his penis is hanging over his left leg, I know
-it might rain.  I don't know why it works, but he's never been wrong!"
-	"Laurie, what if he has an erection?" asks the other woman.
-	"Honey, on a day like *that*, you don't do the *laundry*."
-%
-Three young women were attending the same logic class given at one of the
-better universities.  During a lecture the professor stated that he was
-going to test their ability at situation reasoning.
-	"Let us assume," said the prof, "that you are aboard a small craft
-alone in the Pacific, and you spot a vessel approaching you with several
-sex-starved sailors on board.  What would you do in this situation to avoid
-the problem?"
-	"I would attempt to turn my craft in the opposite direction and
-flee," said the first girl.
-	"I would pass them, and hope that I could fend them off," responded
-the second woman.
-	"Frankly," murmured the third woman, "I understand the situation,
-but I fail to see the problem."
-%
-Three-bag ugly, adj.:
-	That's when you put one bag over her head, one bag over your
-	head in case her's falls off, and one over the dog's to keep
-	it from howling.
-
-Four-bag ugly, adj.:
-	When you leave a bag by the door in case someone drops by.
-%
-Through a major bureaucratic error, you are made county coroner.
-You seriously consider the job because it gives you:
-
-	1: Lots of unclaimed wedding rings and watches.
-	2: Lots of gold fillings and bridges.
-	3: Free blood.
-	4: A constantly changing array of new friends who aren't at
-	   all stuffy about what happens to their genitalia.
-%
-Tim and I a hunting went
-We found three damsels in a tent,
-As they were three, and we were two,
-I bucked one and Timbuktu.
-		-- the only known poem using the word "Timbuktu"
-%
-'Tis the dream of each programmer,
-Before his life is done,
-To write three lines of APL,
-And make the damn things run.
-%
-To a Real Woman, every ejaculation is premature.
-%
-To be the kind of girl designed to be kissed between the thighs.
-%
-To win a woman in the first place one must please her, then undress her, and
-then somehow get her clothes back on her.  Finally, so she will allow you
-to leave her, you've got to annoy her.
-		-- Jean Giraudoux, "Amphitryon 38"
-%
-Today is gonna be one helluva week!
-%
-Todays title:
-	Creative Violence in Sexual Relationships
-%
-Tonight's piss is tomorrow's Tang.
-		-- An American astronaut
-%
-Tourist, n.:
-	A pretty girl in Oklahoma.
-%
-Tourist to New Yorker:
-	"Pardon me, sir, do you know what time it is, or should I
-	just go fuck myself?"
-%
-Transvestite, n.:
-	Someone who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary.
-%
-Tri Delts; everyone else has.
-%
-Trust me:
-	Los Angeles for "Fuck you, your mother, and the horse
-	she rode in on."
-%
-T-shirt of the Day:
-	Head for the Mountains
-		-- courtesy Anheuser-Busch beer
-
-Followup T-shirt of the Day (on the same scenic background):
-	If you liked the mountains, head for the Busch!
-		-- courtesy someone else
-%
-T-shirt of the Day:
-
-	See Dick Drink...
-	See Dick Drive...
-	See Dick Die.
-	DON'T BE A DICK.
-%
-T-shirt of the Week:
-	I'm not excited, I'm cold!
-%
-'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod		And as in raffish thought he sprawled,
-Did groove and trip out at the pad:	The Radcliffe girl, no idle flirt,
-All whimsy were the slamming chicks,	Crept past the hippies getting balled
-And the Radcliffe undergrad.		And doffed her miniskirt.
-
-"Beware the Radcliffe girl, my son!	One, two!  One, two!  And through
-The looks that melt, the claws that		and through
-	catch!				The venerable staff went snicker-snack!
-Beware the Byrn Mawr deb, and shun	He left her bred, sans maidenhead,
-The uppity Wellesleysnatch!"		And went galumphing back.
-
-He took his venerable staff in hand:	"And hast thou laid the Radcliffe girl?
-Long time the cool young stuff he	Come to my arms, my horny boy!
-	sought --			O spaced-out day!  Calooh!  Callay!"
-So rested he among the spree		He cackled in his joy.
-And paused to smoke some pot.
-					'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod
-					Did groove and trip out at the pad:
-					All whimsy were the slamming chicks,
-					And the Radcliffe undergrad.
-%
-Twenty years of romance make a woman look like a ruin; but
-twenty years of marriage make her something like a public building.
-		-- Wilde
-%
-Two friends, an Italian boy and a Jewish boy, come of age at the same time.
-The Italian boy's father presents him with a brand-new pistol.  On the other
-side of town, at his Bar Mitzvah, the Jewish boy receives a beautiful gold
-watch.
-	The next day, in school, the two boys are showing each other what
-they got.  It turns out that each boy likes the other's present better, and
-so they trade.
-	That night, the Italian boy is at home and his father sees him
-looking at his new watch.  "Where did you getta thatta watch?" he asks.
-	The boy explains the trade, and the father blows his top.  "Whatta
-you?  Stupidda boy?  Whatsa matta you!"
-	"Somma day, you maybe gonna getta married.  Then maybe somma day
-you gonna comma home and finda you wife inna bed with another man.  Whatta
-you gonna do then?  Looka atta you watch and say, `How longa you gonna be?'"
-%
-Two gentlemen met at the club after a long absence and talked.
-	"Did you hear about Chumley?", one asked.
-	"No, old man, what about him?"
-	"Last seen in Africa, you know."
-	"No, I didn't."
-	"Yes.  Appalling.  Ran off with a gorilla.  Fallen in love."
-	"Queer."
-	"Not Chumley.  Female gorilla."
-%
-Two golfers were being held up as the twosome of women in front of them
-whiffed shots, hunted for lost balls and stood over putts for what seemed
-like hours.
-	"I'll ask if we can play through," Bill said as he strode toward
-the women.  Twenty yards from the green, however, he turned on his heel
-and went back to where his companion was waiting.
-	"Can't do it," he explained, sheepishly.  "One of them's my wife
-and the other's my mistress!"
-	"I'll ask," said Jim.  He started off, only to turn and come back
-before reaching the green.
-	"What's wrong?" Bill asked.
-	"Small world, isn't it?"
-%
-Two men and a woman were stranded on a desert island -
-
-Two weeks later, the woman was so ashamed of what she
-had been doing, she committed suicide.
-
-Two weeks later, the men were so ashamed of what they
-had been doing, they buried her.
-
-Two weeks later, the men were so ashamed of what they
-had been doing, they dug her back up.
-%
-Two men, both close to retirement, are working on the assembly line.  One
-boasts to the other, "Last night I made love to my wife *three* times!"
-	"Three times!", replies his friend.  "How did you do it?"
-	"Well," says the first man, "I made love to my wife and set the
-alarm clock for two hours later.  When it went off we made love again.
-Then, I reset it for the morning and we made love once more before I came
-to work.  I feel like a bull!"
-	His friend says, "Well, that *is* fantastic!  I'm going to have
-to give it a try."  So, he goes home that night and makes love to his
-wife.  Figuring he doesn't need to set the alarm clock, he settles off
-to sleep.  Waking up a few hours later, he nudges his wife and they make love
-again.  Waking up in the morning he makes love to his wife for the third
-time.  Looking over at the clock he realizes that he's twenty minutes late
-for work.  He throws on his clothes and runs down to the subway.  When
-he gets to the factory his boss is standing there waiting.
-	"Frank", he says, "I've been working for you for 18 years, and I've
-never been late before.  You've got to forgive me twenty minutes this once!"
-	"Well," replies his boss, "okay, but it's not the twenty minutes
-that had me worried.  Where were you Tuesday, where were you Wednesday..."
-%
-Two men were standing around talking while nearby a large German Shepherd
-lay licking his balls.  One man says to the other, "Damn, I wish I could
-do that."
-	The other man replies, "Well, it's okay by me, but I think you
-ought to get to know him a little first."
-%
-Two midgets arrived at the convent door and asked to speak with the Mother
-Superior.  Led into her office, the first one asked respectfully "Excuse
-me, your holiness, but are there any midget nuns in this convent?"
-	Receiving a reply to the negative, he asked whether any midget
-nuns were to be found in any of the neighboring parish.  Again the reply
-was no.
-	The tiny man scratched his head and posed a final question.  "Beggin'
-your pardon, Mother Superior, but would you know of *any* midget nuns at
-all, anywhere?"  The nun shook her head.
-	At which the first midget turned to the second midget, put his hand
-on his shoulder, and said, "You see, I told you you fucked a penguin!"
-%
-Two nuns, a mother superior and a new nun, are walking home one night from
-church when they are attacked by two vicious rapists.  The two men drag the
-nuns off into the bushes and proceed to have their way with them.  The mother
-superior is very afraid, but she knows that God will protect her.  To show her
-strength and trust in God she yells out "Forgive him Father, for he knows not
-what he does!"
-	To which the young nun replies "Oooooh, mine does!!"
-%
-Two old men are walking down the boardwalk when one of them tells the other
-that he has to leave, his wife is expecting him to come home and make love
-with her.
-	The other man is astonished.  "Make love to your wife?  You're as old
-as I am!  Nearly eighty years old!  What do you mean you have to go home and
-make love to your wife?"
-	The first man smiles and says, "We have a *great* sex life.  We make
-love every day."
-	"You're kidding!" says his friend.  "How do you do it?"
-	"Pumpernickel bread.  That's the secret."  And he dashes off home.
-	The other man starts to walk home.  "Hmmm," he thinks to himself
-pumpernickel bread.  Well, it's worth a try."  So he goes into a nearby
-bakery.
-	Going up to the woman at the counter, he asks for their entire stock
-of pumpernickel bread.  The woman stares at him in astonishment.  "You want
-all the pumpernickel bread we have?  Are you sure?  Don't you know that it
-will get hard?"
-	"How come," demands the man, "everybody knows about this but me?"
-%
-Two Peace Corp. doctors who had just returned to a stateside hospital
-were in front of the main desk in the midst of a heated argument that
-went along these lines:
-	(1st doctor)	"No, no, no! It's 'waaaahmmmb'"
-	(2nd doctor)	"No you're wrong! It's 'woooooommmb'"
-and this continued for quite sometime.
-	Finally a nurse stepped in and said: "The correct pronunciation is
-'womb'" and trotted off.
-	(1st doctor)	"That shows you what she knows."
-	(2nd doctor)	"Yeah.  I bet she's never even SEEN a hippopotamus,
-let alone heard one fart underwater."
-%
-Two pirates are sitting in a seaside tavern, talking.  One of them has a
-hook instead of a hand, and an eye patch.  The other pirate has a wooden
-leg.  Over a few beers, they start to tell each other how they received their
-injuries.
-	"One day," says the first pirate, "we had pulled alongside a merchant
-vessel and were boarding her.  I had my sword drawn when suddenly a man with
-a saber caught me by surprise and cut my hand off.  So I had this hook put
-on.  How did you lose your leg?"
-	"From a broadside of grapeshot from an English military vessel, in a
-terrific battle off the coast of France.  And how about your eye?"
-	"Well, I don't really like to talk about it," said the first pirate.
-	"Come on," says the second pirate.  "It doesn't matter after all
-these years, does it?"
-	"Oh, okay," says the first pirate.  "See, it's pretty embarrassing;
-a seagull shit in my eye."
-	"A seagull!?  I can see how that would hurt, but I don't see why
-you would *lose* the eye..."
-	"But," the first pirate says, "it was my first day with the hook."
-%
-Two recent emigrants to the United States, on their first day off the boat
-in New York City, spied a hotdog vendor.  "Do they eat dogs in America?"
-one asked his companion.
-	"I don't know."
-	"Well, if we're going to live in America, we have to learn to eat
-American foods."
-	So they each bought a wax paper wrapped hotdog and sat down to eat
-them on a nearby park bench.  One man looked inside his wax paper, then over
-at the other man, and asked, "So, what part did you get?"
-%
-Two women are talking; one says to the other, "Say, weren't you dating that
-cute French horn player?  What ever happened to him?"
-	"Well," replies her friend, we're still seeing each other, but,
-I must admit, we've had some problems."
-	"Problems?  What's wrong?"
-	"You see," says the second woman, "every time he kisses me, he
-wants to shove his fist up my ass."
-%
-Two young men seated in a restaurant were watching a customer busily
-disposing of a plate of oysters on the half shell.  One of the young
-men remarked to his friend,
-	"Did you ever hear that business about raw oysters being
-good for a man's virility?"
-	"Yes, why?" the friend replied.
-	"Well, take it from me, that's a lot of foolishness.  I ate a
-dozen of them the other night, and only nine worked."
-%
-Un moine au milieu de la messe		A monk in the middle of mass
-S'eleva et cria en detresse;		Stood up and cried out in distress;
-	"La vie religieuse,			"The religious life
-	C'est sale et affreuse,"		Is dirty and horrid,"
-Et se poignarda dans les fesses.	And stabbed himself in the ass.
-		-- Edward Gorey
-%
-Uncle Sam comes off as the perverted relative who'll offer you a
-bit of candy, but if you won't bend over for him, you get a beating.
-%
-Under capitalism, man exploits man.  Under Communism, it's just the
-opposite.
-		-- John Kenneth Galbraith
-%
-Unfair animal names:
-
--- tsetse fly			-- bullhead
--- booby			-- duck-billed platypus
--- sapsucker			-- Clarence
-		-- Gary Larson
-%
-Unitarians pray "To whom it may concern".
-%
-UNIX is hard. Let's go shopping!
-%
-Unix programmers do it with pipes.
-%
-Upon leaving a hotel bar one evening, an executive noticed a drunk sitting
-on the edge of a potted palm in the lobby, crying like a baby.  Because he'd
-had a couple himself that night, and was feeling rather sorry for his fellow
-man, he asked the inebriated one what the trouble was.
-	"I did a terrible thing tonight," sniffled the drunk.  "I sold my
-wife to a guy for a bottle of Scotch."
-	"That is terrible," said the man, too much under the weather to
-muster any real indignation.  "And now that she's gone, you wish you had her
-back."
-	"Thas right," said the drunk, still sniffling.
-	"You're sorry you sold her, because you realize too late that you
-love her," sympathized the executive.
-	"No, no," said the drunk.  "I wish I had her back because I'm
-thirsty again."
-%
-Uppers are no longer stylish, methedrine is almost as rare as pure acid
-or DMT.  "Consciousness Expansion" went out with LBJ and it is worth
-noting, historically, that downers came in with Nixon.
-		-- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson
-%
-U.S. of A.:
-	"Don't speak to the bus driver."
-Germany:
-	"It is strictly forbidden for passengers to speak to the driver."
-England:
-	"You are requested to refrain from speaking to the driver."
-Scotland:
-	"What have you got to gain by speaking to the driver?"
-Italy:
-	"Don't answer the driver."
-%
-Useful Farsi phrases for Americans traveling to Iran:
-
-AKBAR KHALI-KILI HAFTIR LOTFAN.
-	Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.
-
-FEKR GABUL CARDAN DAVAT PAEH GUSH DIVAR.
-	I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down
-	on the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart.
-
-SHOMAEH FEKR TAMOMEH QEH GOFTEH BANDE.
-	I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life.
-%
-Useful Farsi phrases for Americans traveling to Iran:
-
-AUTO ARRAREGH DAVATEMAN MANO SEPAHEH-HAST.
-	It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to
-	travel in the trunk of your car.
-
-FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO
-GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMA RAJEBEH KESHVAREHMAN.
-	If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital
-	appendages I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my
-	country in public.
-
-KHREL, JEPAHEH MANEH VA JAYEH AMRIKAHEY.
-	I will tell you the names and addresses of
-	many American spies traveling as reporters.
-%
-Useful Farsi phrases for Americans traveling to Iran:
-
-MAMNOUNAN GHORBAN IN DAFAYEH MEEMUNAM.
-	It is with greatest pleasure that I sign
-	this confession of capital crimes.
-
-MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLIEH, GHORBAN.
-	The red blindfold would be lovely, excellency.
-
-TIKEH NUNEH BA OB KHRELEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE BOYAST INO BEGERAM.
-	The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you.
-	I must have the recipe.
-
-ETEHFOR'AN, DEHRATEE, OTAGEH SHOMA MIKRASTAM KHE
-DO HAFTAEH BA BODANEH SHEEREEL TEEGZ.
-	Truly, I would rather be a hostage to your greatly esteemed
-	self than spend a fortnight upon the person of Cheryl Tiegs.
-%
-USENET is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea --
-massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and
-a source of mind-boggling amounts of excrement when you least
-expect it.
-		-- Gene Spafford
-%
-User friendly software searching for friendly Hardware to interface with.
-Hardware may present itself in floppy format as software has capability to
-upgrading same to full size firm.  Size is not all that important; but byte
-sized bandwidth required -- header width is of more concern.  Joystick should
-be able to toggle in different speeds and for some duration.  Software is
-looking for system willing to perform intensive manipulation of keyboard as
-well as preparing the mainframe and disk drives.  Fingering of all files
-permitted, and encouraged, before thrusting joystick into drive.  Software
-is programmed not to copy; there is no need for removing joystick before
-completed execution of program.  Program may be run several times per day...
-especially if special features and options are utilized.
-%
-vacation;look;find;talk;grep;touch;finger;find;flex;unzip;mount;workbone; \
-fsck;yes;gasp;fsck;yes;eject;umount;make clean;zip;split;done;exit
-%
-Vagina, n.:
-	The box a penis comes in.
-%
-Vaginal lubricant, n.:
-	A slitty slicker.
-%
-Vandalism On The Upswing!
-	Last night, windows were broken and graffiti was sprayed over the
-	front of the local sex shop, Le Sex Boutique, causing several hundred
-	dollars in damage.  In a later anonymous phone call, the provisional
-	wing of the Salvation Army claimed responsibility.
-%
-Vatican upholds ban on contraceptives: "To heir is humane," claims the Pope.
-%
-VD, n.:
-	The gift that keeps on giving.
-%
-Vegetarians for oral sex -- "The only meat that's fit to eat"
-%
-Very few modern women either like or desire marriage, especially after the
-ceremony has been performed.  Primarily women wish attention and affection.
-Matrimony is something they accept when there is no alternative.  Really,
-it is a waste of time, and hazardous, to marry them.  It leaves one open
-to a rival.  Husbands, good or bad, always have rivals.  Lovers, never.
-		-- Helen Lawrenson, "Esquire"
-%
-Vidi, vici, veni.
-(I saw, I conquered, I came.)
-%
-Viennese Oyster: Lady who can cross her feet behind her head, lying on her
-back, of course.  When she has done so, you hold her tightly round each instep
-with your full hand and squeeze, lying on her full-length.  Don't try to put
-an unsupple partner into this position -- it can't be achieved by brute force.
-You can get a very similar sensation -- unique rocking pelvic movement -- with
-less expertise if she crosses her ankles on her tummy, knees to shoulders, and
-you lie on her crossed ankles with your full weight.  Why "Viennese" we don't
-know.  Tolerable for short periods only but gives tremendous genital pressure
-for both.
-		-- The Joy of Sex
-%
-Virgin, n.:
-	An ugly third grader.
-%
-Virginity is a bubble on the sea of life,
-which takes but one prick to break.
-		-- Jordan Sand
-%
-VIRGO (Aug. 23 to Sep. 22)
-	Get it in writing.  Be careful.  You are surrounded by lechers and
-	assholes; birds of a feather flock together.  Trust no one.  People
-	will not be offended, because they've come to recognize you for the
-	paranoid neurotic that you are.  Your dentures are loose.
-%
-Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said, "I want you to help me obtain a
-divorce. My husband is getting a little queer to sleep with."
-	What do you mean?" asked the attorney. "Does he force you to indulge
-in unusual sex practices?"
-	"No, he doesn't," replied the woman, "and neither does the little
-queer."
-%
-W. Lafayette may not be the asshole of the universe...
-	but you sure as hell can see it from there!
-%
-Waldheimers disease is what you have when you can't remember you were a Nazi.
-%
-War is menstruation envy.
-%
-Was it you that did the pushin',
-Left the stains upon the cushion,
-The footprints on the dashboard upside-down?
-Was it you, you little pecker,
-That got into my Rebecca,
-If you did, you'd better leave this town!
-
-Yes, 'twas I that did the pushin',
-Left the stains upon the cushion,
-Footprints on the dashboard upside-down.
-But since I stuck your daughter,
-I've had trouble passin' water,
-So I guess we're kind of even all around!
-%
-WASP, n.:
-	Someone who gets out of the shower to take a piss.
-%
-Watch out for a cold wave this week.  (Or maybe a warm WAC.)
-%
-Watching girls go passing by
-It ain't the latest thing
-I'm just standing in a doorway
-I'm just trying to make some sense
-Out of these girls passing by		A smile relieves the heart that grieves
-The tales they tell of men		Remember what I said
-I'm not waiting on a lady		I'm not waiting on a lady
-I'm just waiting on a friend		I'm just waiting on a friend
-...
-Don't need a whore
-Don't need no booze
-Don't need a virgin priest		Ooh, making love and breaking hearts
-But I need someone I can cry to		It is a game for youth
-I need someone to protect		But I'm not waiting on a lady
-					I'm just waiting on a friend
-					I'm just waiting on a friend
-		-- Rolling Stones, "Waiting on a Friend"
-%
-Water?  Never touch the stuff!  Fish fuck in it.
-		-- W. C. Fields
-%
-We ... make the modern error of dignifying the Individual.  We do everything
-we can to butter him up.  We give him a name, assure him that he has certain
-inalienable rights, educate him, let him pass on his name to his brats and
-when he dies we give him a special hole in the ground ... But after all, he's
-only  a seed, a bloom and a withering stalk among pressing billions.  Your
-Individual is a pretty disgusting, vain, lewd little bastard ... By God,
-he has only one right guaranteed him in Nature, and that is the right to die
-and stink to Heaven.
-		-- Ross Lockridge, quoted in "Short Lives" by Katinka Matson
-%
-We Americans, we're a simple people... but piss us off, and we'll bomb
-your cities.
-		-- Robin Williams
-%
-We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ...
-then things get worse.
-%
-We are upping our standards ... so up yours.
-		-- Pat Paulsen for President
-%
-We aren't what we eat.  We are what we don't shit.
-		-- Hugh Romney
-%
-We boggies are a hairy folk		Ever hungry, ever thirsting,
-Who like to eat until we choke.		Never stop till belly's bursting.
-Loving all like friend and brother,	Chewing chop and pork and muttons,
-And hardly ever eat each other.		A merry race of boring gluttons.
-
-Sing: GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE.
-
-Boggies gather 'round the table,	Anything edible, we've got dibs on,
-Eat as much as you are able.		And hope we all die with our bibs on.
-Gorge yourselves from moon till noon	Ever gay, we'll never grow up,
-(Don't forget your plate and spoon.)	Come! And sing and play and throw-up!
-
-Sing: GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE!
-		-- Bored of the Rings, "The Hobbits National Anthem"
-%
-We call our dog Egypt, because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
-%
-We came, we saw, we kicked its ass!
-		-- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters"
-%
-We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at
-hand.
-		-- James Watt
-%
-We drove to the hotel and said goodbye.  How hypocritical to go upstairs
-with a man you don't want to fuck, leave the one you do sitting there alone,
-and then, in a state of great excitement, fuck the one you don't want to
-fuck while pretending he's the one you do.  That's called fidelity.  That's
-called civilization and its discontents.
-		-- Erica Jong, "Fear of Flying"
-%
-We have reason to believe that man first
-walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.
-		-- Lily Tomlin
-%
-We must!  We must!
-We must increase our bust!
-The bigger the better!
-The tighter the sweater!
-And the boys will think more of us!
-%
-We sailed on the good ship Venus,
-My God, you should have seen us
-	With a figurehead
-	Of a whore in bed
-And the mast an upright penis
-
-The captain of the lugger
-Was known as a filthy bugger
-	Declared unfit
-	To shovel shit
-From one ship to another
-
-The first mate's name was Cooper,
-By god he was a trooper
-	He jerked and jerked
-	Until he worked
-Himself into a stupor
-
-The cabin boy was chipper,
-A dandy little nipper
-	He shoved cracked glass
-	Inside his ass
-And circumcised the skipper
-
-The captain's wife was Charlotte,
-Born and bred a harlot
-	Her thighs at night
-	Were lily white
-By morning they were scarlet
-
-The captain's youngest daughter
-Slipped into the water
-	Her plaintive squeals
-	Announced that eels
-Had found her sexual quarter
-
-The ship's dog's name was Rover,
-They turned the poor beast over
-	And ground and ground
-	That faithful hound
-From Tenerief to Dover
-%
-We should declare war on North Vietnam.  We could pave the whole
-country and put parking strips on it, and still be home by Christmas.
-		-- Ronald Reagan
-%
-We took some pictures of the girls, but they weren't developed.
-		-- Groucho Marx
-%
-We will follow Zarathustra,		We will worship like the Druids,
-Zarathustra like we use to,		Dancing naked in the woods,
-I'm a Zarathustra booster,		Drinking strange fermented fluids,
-And he's good enough for me!		And it's good enough for me!
-(chorus)				(chorus)
-
-In the church of Aphrodite,
-The priestess wears a see through nightie,
-She's a mighty righteous sightie,
-And she's good enough for me!
-(chorus)
-
-CHORUS:	Give me that old time religion,
-	Give me that old time religion,
-	Give me that old time religion,
-	'Cause it's good enough for me!
-%
-Welcome back, my friends, to the show that never ends!
-We're so glad you could attend, come inside, come inside!
-There behind the glass there's a real blade of grass,
-Be careful as you pass, move along, move along.
-Come inside, the show's about to start,
-Guaranteed to blow your head apart.
-Rest assured, you'll get your money's worth,
-Greatest show, in heaven, hell or earth!
-You gotta see the show!  It's a dynamo!
-You gotta see the show!  It's rock 'n' roll!
-		-- ELP, "Karn Evil 9" (1st Impression, Part 2)
-%
-Welcome to Fortune Blackmail!!
-	Ms. Kat****** Bl****an is the mistress of a well-known
-	banker in Houston, Texas.  That's $5000, please, to stop
-	us from revealing both of your names, Mr. L*****, so that
-	your wife Doreen, and your lovely children Diane, Janice
-	and Tom need never know the name of your mistress.  You
-	have two days to reach us at:
-
-		Fortune Blackmail
-		Behind the hot water pipes,
-		Third stall from the end,
-		Greyhound Bus Terminal, Fayette MO.
-%
-Welcome to Fortune Blackmail!!
-	This is the first of a series of revelations which could
-	add up to a divorce, premature retirement and possible
-	criminal proceedings for a company vice-president in Langley Virginia.
-	So, Mr. S*****, $10,000 please to stop us from revealing:
-		1: Whose shoulders you were sitting on.
-		2: What you were doing.
-		3: The names of the three people involved.
-		4: The youth organization to which they belonged.
-		5: The shop where you bought the equipment.
-%
-Well, actually, I don't mind going to weddings or anything, as long as they're
-not my own, I show up, but uh, I've always kinda been partial to callin' myself
-up on the phone, asking myself out, y'know, yeah, one thing about it, you're
-always around.  Yeah, I know, yeah, you ask yourself out, y'know, some class
-joint somewhere, the Burrito King, or somethin', y'know, well, I ain't cheap
-y'know.  Take yourself out for a coupla drinks, mebbe, then you eat, some
-provocative conversation on the way home, and uh, park in front of the house,
-y'know, and you, oh yeah, you smoo with yourself, put a little nice music on,
-mebbe you put on like, uh, y'know, like shoppin' music, something that's not
-too interruptive, y'know, and then uh, y'know, slide over real nice, and say,
-"Oh, I think you have something in your eye", well, maybe it's not that
-romantic with you, but I don't, y'know, I get into it, y'know, I take myself
-up to the porch, and uh, take myself inside, maybe, oh, I might get a little
-something in a brandy snifter, "Would you like to listen to some of my back
-records, I got something here...", well, usually, about two-thirty in the
-morning, you've ended up takin' advantage of yourself, and there ain't no way
-around that, y'know, yeah, makin' the scene with a magazine, ain't no way
-around it.  I'll confess, y'know, I'm no different, y'know, I'm not weird
-about it or anything, I don't tie myself up first, I just, I just kinda
-spend a little time with myself.
-		-- Tom Waits, "Nighthawks at the Diner"
-%
-Well buggered was a boy named Delpasse
-By all of the lads in his class
-	He said, with a yawn,
-	"Now the novelty's gone
-And it's only a pain in the ass."
-%
-Well, God gave me a bust.  What am I supposed to do with it?
-		-- Martha Mitchell
-%
-Well, he went down to dinner in his Sunday best,
-Excitable boy, they all said!
-And he rubbed the pot roast all over his chest,
-Excitable boy, they all said!  (Well, he's just an excitable boy.)
-
-He took in the 4am show at the Clark,
-Excitable boy, they all said!
-And he bit the usherette's leg in the dark,
-Excitable boy, they all said!  (Well, he's just an excitable boy.)
-
-He took little Susie to the junior prom,
-Excitable boy, they all said!
-And he raped her and killed her, then he took her home,
-Excitable boy, they all said!  (Well, he's just an excitable boy!)
-
-After ten long years they let him out of the home,
-Excitable boy, they all said!
-And he dug up her grave and built a cage with her bones,
-Excitable boy, they all said!  (Well, he's just an excitable boy.)
-		-- Warren Zevon, "Excitable Boy"
-%
-Well, I don't know where they come from but they sure do come,
-I hope they comin' for me!
-And I don't know how they do it but they sure do it good,
-I hope they doin' it for free!
-They give me cat scratch fever... cat scratch fever!
-First time that I got it I was just ten years old,
-Got it from the kitty next door...
-I went to see the doctor and he gave me the cure,
-I think I got it some more!
-Got a bad scratch fever...
-		-- Ted Nugent, "Cat Scratch Fever"
-%
-"Well, I took your advice, Doc", said Knopp,
-"And told my wife to try it on top.
-	She bounced for an hour,
-	Till she ran out of power,
-And the kids, who'd grown bored, made us stop."
-%
-Well, I went to a party, and what did they do?
-They took off their socks and they took off their shoes.
-They took off their shirts, and they took off their pants,
-I had a hunch, we weren't gonna dance.
-
-Everybody, everybody's ass was bare,
-No bras left, just a queer over there.
-But the whole damn thing didn't faze me a bit;
-I just jumped on the pile and grabbed some tit.
-
-My baby's not a sports fan,
-But she plays with balls whenever she can.
-'Cause her favorite sport you see,
-Is playing tonsil hockey.
-[chorus]
-	Eat, bite, fuck, suck, gobble, nibble, chew;
-	Nipple, bosom, hair pie, finger fuck, screw.
-	Moose piss, cat pud, orangutan tit;
-	Sheep pussy, camel crack, pig-lie-in-shit.
-		-- Doctor Dirty, "The Eat-Bite Song"
-%
-Well, I'd left home just a week before,
-And I'd never ever kissed a woman before,
-But Lola smiled and took me by the hand,
-And said 'Little boy, gonna make you a man!'
-Well, I'm not the world's most masculine man,
-But I know what I am and I'm glad I'm a man and so's Lola.
-La, la, la, la-Lola... la, la, la, la-Lola...  Lola.
-		-- The Kinks
-%
-Well, it seems that there was this traveling saleswoman whose car broke
-down, late at night, in the middle of a torrential downpour.  Hoping to
-find a phone she ran to a nearby farmhouse.  When she was unable to find
-a garage still open, the farmer told her that, while they were short of
-beds, she could sleep with his daughter.  The daughter proved to eighteen
-and beautiful.  So they went to bed, and shortly afterward, the saleswoman
-rolled over toward the daughter and said, "Dear, I'm sure that you're aware
-that some women like... to be with... other women.  Let me be frank..."
-	"No!" interrupted the daughter, sternly.  "This time *I* want to
-be Frank!"
-%
-"Well, madam," the bishop declared,
-While the vicar just mumbled and stared,
-	"'Twere better, perhaps,
-	In the crypt or the apse,
-Because sex in the nave must be shared."
-%
-Well, now that SUN's in bed with AT&T, I sure hope she sleeps with her
-back to the wall.
-		-- Guy Harris, on AT&T buying 20% of SUN Microsystems
-
-Eat shit and die.  Strong memo to follow.
-		-- Mike O'Dell, on AT&T buying 20% of SUN Microsystems
-%
-Well, see, I was out with this chick last night, and we were in bed, and
-she groaned to me, "Give me nine inches, and make it hurt!"  So, I fucked
-her twice and slapped her.
-%
-Well, see, Joyce, there we were, trapped in the elevator.  Now, I had
-my tennis racquet and the goldfish; she was holding the Crisco.  Surely
-you can imagine how one thing naturally led to another!
-%
-Well, you almost got it right.  The only problem is, you're doing it exactly
-backwards!  Just reverse the motions you described and your partner will
-experience an incredibly intense orgasm.  One trouble with this technique,
-though, is that it works so well.  Believe me, word will get around about
-your newfound prowess and you'll be inundated by prospective sexual partners.
-So try to be discreet.  I prefer maple syrup to pineapple/apricot lotion, but
-that's a matter of personal preference.  Also, I'd advise against the syrup,
-or using honey, if you're outside, because the insects it attracts tend to
-distract the quail.  You can substitute crazy glue (but obviously not thumb
-tacks!) for the masking tape, but only if you don't want to use the piano for
-awhile.
-%
-Well, you got your mules and you got your racehorses, and you can kick
-a mule in the ass all you want, and he's still not gonna be a racehorse.
-		-- Billy Martin, "Esquire", May, 1984
-%
-Well, you see, it's such a transitional creature.  It's a piss-poor reptile
-and not very much of a bird.
-		-- Melvin Konner, from "The Tangled Wing", quoting a
-		   zoologist who has studied the archeopteryx and found it
-		   "very much like people".
-%
-Well, you see there was this neighborhood that had a priest, a minister, and
-a rabbi who lived near each other.  One summer afternoon the priest went out
-and bought himself a new car, and the minister and rabbi, not to be outdone,
-did the same.
-	The next day the priest went out and blessed his car.  The minister
-hired a crane and baptized his car in a swimming pool.  The rabbi, after
-thinking seriously for a bit, got a hacksaw and cut three inches off the end
-of the tail pipe.
-%
-We're all looking for a woman who can sit in a mini-skirt and talk
-philosophy, executing both with confidence and style.
-%
-WE'RE GOING TO THROW THE MX AWAY AFTER WE BUILD IT.  The MX is really
-[Don't tell anybody!] just a "bargaining chip" in the nuclear-arms-
-reduction talks with the Russians.  See, we have a problem with the
-Russians.  They look at our leaders and they see, for example, George
-Bush, who is really a fine and brave man but who happens to have this
-unfortunate physical characteristic whereby when he talks he sounds as
-though he just inhaled a helium party balloon.  If he ever becomes
-President, the Russians will deliberately create nuclear crises just so
-they can gather around the Hot Line with refreshments and listen to
-George talk.
-		-- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
-		   Political Fallout"
-%
-Were it not for imagination, sir, a man would be as happy in the arms
-of a chambermaid as a duchess.
-		-- Dr. Johnson
-%
-Wesley:	I have in fact faced two vampires myself.  Under controlled
-	circumstances of course.
-Giles:	No danger of finding those here.
-Wesley:	Vampires?
-Giles:	Controlled circumstances.
-		-- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Bad Girls"
-		   Season 3, Episode 14
-%
-Wet dream, n.:
-	Overnight sensation.
-%
-We've all heard about the woman who married a Field Service engineer but
-divorced him after one day because he'd done nothing on their wedding night
-but promise to have it up in 15 minutes.  What few people realize is that the
-poor man was in the bathroom all night, masturbating furiously, muttering
-"I just don't understand, it passes all the diagnostics!"
-%
-We've got things well in hand.
-		-- Master Byte Software, Los Gatos California
-%
-We've just received the results of a survey conducted to ascertain the
-various reasons men get out of bed in the middle of the night.  According
-to the report, 2% are motivated by a desire to visit the bathroom, and
-3% have an urge to raid the refrigerator.  The other 95% get up to go home.
-%
-What a man enjoys most about a woman's clothes are his fantasies of how
-she would look without them.
-		-- Brendan Francis
-%
-What can you use used tampons for?  Tea bags for vampires.
-%
-What creatures of habit we are.  This morning, without thinking, half asleep,
-I put $100 on my pillow.  That's not so bad, no one would worry about it, but
-my wife, half asleep, without thinking, gave me $20 change.
-%
-What did Mickey Mouse get for Christmas?
-A Dan Quayle watch.
-%
-What did Snow white say when told she was pregnant?
-	"I'd like to thank all the little people who made this possible..."
-
-Presumably this all started that evening when she was feeling Happy...
-%
-What do hookers do on their nights off, type?
-		-- Elayn Boosler
-%
-What do you call someone with herpes, AIDS, syphilis, and gonorrhea?
-An incurable romantic.
-%
-What is a promiscuous person -- it's usually someone who is getting more
-sex than you are.
-		-- Victor Lownes, quoted in "In and Out: Debrett 1980-81",
-		   by N. Mackwood
-%
-What is the difficulty with writing a PDP-8 program to emulate Jerry
-Ford?
-
-Figuring out what to do with the other 3K.
-%
-What the fuck, over?
-%
-What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
-%
-What this department needs is a really good inflatable doll.
-%
-What with chromodynamics and electroweak too
-Our Standardized Model should please even you,
-Tho' once you did say that of charm there was none
-It took courage to switch as to say Earth moves not Sun.
-Yet your state of the union penultimate large
-Is the last known haunt of the Fractional Charge,
-And as you surf in the hot tub with sourdough roll
-Please ponder the passing of your sole Monopole.
-Your Olympics were fun, you should bring them all back
-For transsexual tennis or Anamalon Track,
-But Hollywood movies remain sinfully crude
-Whether seen on the telly or Remotely Viewed.
-Now fasten your sunbelts, for you've done it once more,
-You said it in Leipzig of the thing we adore,
-That you've built an incredible crystalline sphere
-Whose German attendants spread trembling and fear
-Of the death of our theory by Particle Zeta
-Which I'll bet is not there say your article, later.
-		-- Sheldon Glashow, Physics Today, December, 1984
-%
-What you mean, how old am I?  About one hundred!  But Viennese answer is
-better: we say, "I keep passing the open windows."  This is an old joke.
-There was a street clown called King of the Mice: he trained rodents, he
-did horoscopes, he could impersonate Napoleon, he could make dogs fart
-on command.  One night he jumped out his window with all his pets in a box.
-Written on the box was this: "Life is serious, but art is fun!"  I hear his
-funeral was a party.  A street artist had killed himself.  Nobody had
-supported him but now everybody missed him.  Now who would make the dogs
-make music and the mice pant?  The bear knows this, too: it is hard work
-and great art to make life not so serious.
-		-- John Irving "The Hotel New Hampshire"
-%
-Whatever you say about pornography, sex is here to stay.
-%
-What's on the floor of the old hen-house?
-Doo-doo, doo-doo.
-		-- Foghorn Leghorn, to "Camptown Ladies"
-%
-What's the worst thing about being an atheist?
-Noone to talk to when you're having an orgasm.
-%
-When a girl admits she's had a checkered career, it's your move.
-%
-When a man grows old and his balls
-	grow cold,			So find me a seat and stand me a drink
-And the end of his knob turns blue;	And a tale to you I'll tell
-When it's bent in the middle like a	Of Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete
-	one-string fiddle,		And the gentle Eskimo Nell.
-He can tell a tale or two.
-
-When Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete
-Go out in search of fun,		And when Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete
-It's usually Dick who wields the prick	Are sore, depressed, and mad,
-And Mexican Pete the gun.		'Tis the cunt that bears the brunt
-					So the shooting ain't so bad.
-There was rarely a day without a lay
-And usually two or three		Now Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete
-For Dead-eye Dick, his kingly prick	Had been hunting in Deadman's creek.
-Was always like a tree.			And they'd had no luck in the way of
-						a fuck
-Just a moose or two and a caribou,	For nigh on half a week.
-And a bison cow or so;
-And for Dead-eye Dick with his kingly prick
-This fucking was mighty slow.
-		-- The Ballad of Eskimo Nell
-%
-When better women are made, computer programmers will make them.
-%
-When ev'rybody's tryin' to sleep,
-I'm somewhere makin' my midnight creep.		Chorus:
-In the mornin' the rooster crow,	I am a back door man,
-Somethin' tells me I got to go.		I am a back door man,
-					Well, the men don't know,
-They take me to the doctor,		But the little girls understand.
-	shot full of holes,
-Nurse try to save a soul.
-Killed her for murder first degree,
-Judge what tried let the man go free.
-
-Stand up, cop's wife cried, don't take him down,
-Rather be dead six feet in the ground.
-When you come home, you can eat pork and beans,
-I eats more chicken than any man's seen.
-		-- Willie Dixon, "Backdoor Man" (1961)
-%
-When God created man, She was only testing.
-%
-When God created two sexes, he may have been overdoing it.
-		-- Charles Merrill Smith
-%
-When he tried to inject his huge whanger
-A young man aroused his girl's anger.
-	As they strove in the dark
-	She was heard to remark,
-"What you need is a zeppelin hanger."
-%
-When his company fell on hard times, the boss realized that he'd have to
-lay off one of his two middle managers.  As both Jack and Liz were equally
-honest and dedicated to their jobs, he was unable to decide which one to
-fire.  To resolve his dilemma, the boss arbitrarily decided that the first
-to leave his or her desk the next morning would be the one to get the ax.
-	The next morning found Liz at her desk, rubbing her temples.  Asking
-Jack for some aspirin, she headed for the water fountain and that's where
-the boss caught up with her.  "I've got some bad news for you, Liz," he said.
-"I've got to lay you or Jack off."
-	"Jack off," she snapped.  "I have a headache."
-%
-When I need something
-To help me unwind
-I find a six-foot baby		What kind of guy
-With a one-track mind		Does a lot for me
-Smart guys are nowhere		Superman
-They make demands		With a lobotomy
-Give me a moron			My father's out of Harvard
-With talented hands		My brother's out of Yale
-I go bar-hopping		Well the guy I took home last night
-And they say "Last call"	Just got out of jail
-I start shopping		The way he grabbed and threw me
-For a Neanderthal		Oooo, it really got me hot
-				But the way he growled and bit me
-The bigger they come		I hoped he had his shots
-The harder I fall
-In love till we're done		The bigger they are
-Then they're out in the hall	The harder they'll work
-				I got a soft spot
-				For a good-looking jerk
-		-- Julie Brown, "I Like 'Em Big and Stupid"
-%
-When I was eight years old I came home with tears in my eyes because some
-kids had stolen my sandwich.  My father handed me an ice pick, and said,
-"Next time, hit 'em first and hit 'em hard."
-		-- Jake LaMotta
-
-You can't go into the ring and be a nice guy.  I would go a month, two
-months, without having sex.  It worked for me because it made me a
-vicious animal. You can't fight if you have any compassion or anything
-like that.
-		-- Jake LaMotta
-%
-When in calling, plain speaking is out;
-When the ladies (God bless 'em) are milling about,
-You may wet, make water, or empty the glass;
-You can powder your nose, or the "johnny" will pass.
-It's a drain for the lily, or man about dog
-When everyone's drunk, it's condensing the fog;
-But sure as the devil, that word with a hiss
-It's only in Shakespeare that characters ____.
-		-- Ogden Nash
-%
-When it all boils down to the essence of truth one must live by a dog's
-rule of life: if you can't eat it or fuck it, piss on it!
-%
-When Snow White turns on with the dwarfs she probably winds up feeling Dopey.
-%
-When somebody protested at [Pope Alexander VI's] wholesale distribution of
-pardons for the most heinous crimes -- one of which included the murder of
-a daughter by the father -- he retorted easily, "It is not God's will that
-a sinner should die, but that he should live -- and pay."
-		-- E.R. Chamberlin, "The Bad Popes"
-
-Judas sold Christ for 30 denari, this man [Pope Alexander VI] would sell
-him for 29.
-		-- Ottaviano Ubaldini, chamberlain to Pope Alexander VI
-%
-When the candles are out all women are fair.
-		-- Plutarch
-%
-When the naive young lady asked the clerk in Le Sex Shoppe to show her his
-selection of vibrators, he brought out the two most popular ones.
-	"The basic white plastic one here is twenty dollars," the clerk said.
-"The flesh-toned rubber models are thirty."
-	"I'm just not sure," the woman said, then she noticed an eye-catching
-item on the back shelf.  "How much is that plaid one over there?"
-	"Uh, well, that's a pretty special one," said the clerk.  "I couldn't
-sell you that one for less than a hundred."
-	"I'll take it."
-	Later that day, the store owner checked in to see how business was
-going.  "Great," the clerk told him.  "This morning, I sold four white
-vibrators and three flesh-toned ones.  And, this afternoon, I got a hundred
-bucks for my Thermos."
-%
-When the prick stands up, the brains get buried in the ground.
-		-- Old Jewish saying
-
-[How come there aren't ever any "New Jewish sayings?"  Ed.]
-%
-When the shit hits the fan, keep your mouth shut!
-%
-When they tell me to stick it where
-the sun don't shine, I put it in Oregon.
-%
-When things go wrong as they usually will,
-And your daily road seems all uphill,
-When funds are low and debts are high,
-When you try to smile, but can only cry --
-And you really feel you'd like to quit,
-Don't talk to me; I don't give a shit.
-%
-When you and I are far apart
-Can sorrow break your tender heart?
-I love you darling, yes I do;
-Sleep is so sweet when I dream of you;
-All you are is a blossoming rose.
-Night is here so I must close.
-With care read the first word of each line.
-You will find a question of mine.
-		-- Yours hopefully, The VAX
-%
-When you're lying on the bed,
-And the thought is in your head,
-But the feeling is way down between your legs,
-Take your problem in your hand,
-And beat it to the band,
-And try your best to keep it off the walls.
-
-Don't let your lover tell you,
-Don't let anybody sell you,
-That the joy of masturbation is a crime.
-For I've rid myself of fears,
-(I've been doing it for years)
-And now I have an erection all the time.
-%
-Whenever someone tells you to "take it like a man" it usually means
-up your ass.
-%
-Which of the following doesn't belong?
-	a. meat
-	b. eggs
-	c. drum
-	d. blowjob.
-
-Answer:
-	d:  A blowjob, because you can beat your meat, your eggs,
-	    or your drum, but you just can't beat a blowjob.
-%
-While away at a convention, an executive happened to meet a young woman who
-was pretty, chic, and intelligent.  When he persuaded her to disrobe in his
-hotel room, he found out she had a superb body as well.  Unfortunately, as
-will happen, the executive sadly found himself unable to perform.
-	On his first night home, the executive padded naked from the shower
-into the bedroom to find his wife swathed in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair
-curled, her face creamed, munching candy loudly as she pored through a movie
-magazine.  And then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent
-erection.
-	Looking down at his throbbing member, he snarled, "Why you ungrateful,
-mixed-up, son-of-a-bitch!  Now I know why they call you a prick!"
-%
-While farmers generally allow one rooster for ten hens, ten men are
-scarcely sufficient to service one woman.
-		-- Boccaccio
-%
-While not actually a sailor, I certainly enjoy getting blown ashore.
-%
-While sitting 'neath an oak one morn
-In thought on this and that,
-A tiny, twitt'ring little bird		"Oh tiny bird, O Nature's gift
-A load dropped in my hat.		Of music and of wit!
-					Why didst thou feel that my best hat
-"Thy music gladdens my poor soul,	Was thy best place to shit?"
-And brings joy to my heart.
-But tell me, little bird divine,	The tiny bird a few notes sang,
-Why didst thou not just fart?"		Then answer'd "Pardon me,
-					For thy hat I thought was my nest,
-I rose and stood in solemn awe		A-fallen from the tree."
-His words to better mull,
-Then lifted up a paving block
-And crushed his fucking skull.
-		-- Bill Wordsworth, "A Tiny Twitt'ring Bird"
-%
-While vacationing last summer in the North Woods, a young fellow thought it
-might be a good idea to write his girl.  He had brought no stationery with
-him, however; so he had to walk into town for some.  Entering the one and
-only general store, he discovered that the clerk was a young, full-blown farm
-girl with languorous eyes.
-	"Do you keep stationery?" he asked.
-	"Well," she giggled, "I do until the last few seconds, and then I
-just go wild."
-%
-Whip it, baby.
-Whip it right.
-Whip it, baby.
-Whip it all night!
-%
-White House carpenters have reworked the master bedroom, remodeling it
-so that Ronnie can sleep with his head in the hall.  That way, by the
-time he wakes up, somebody will have already shined his hair.
-%
-Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
-
-Because his wife left him.  But things are looking up for their reconciliation.
-Seems that when she left, she took his word processor, and she's been renting
-it out occasionally in Japan.  That is, every now and then she gets a yen for
-his Wang.
-%
-Why, Good Morning!  I'm the bluebird of fellatio!
-%
-Why I am an atheist:
-
-1. Atheists do not believe in higher powers.
-2. God is the highest power.
-3. Therefore, God must be an atheist.
-4. We should all strive to be like God.
-5. We should all be atheists.
-%
-Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than there are
-horses?
-		-- G. Gordon Liddy
-%
-Why is Mrs. Carter always on top when she and Jimmy make love?
-Because all Jimmy Carter can do is fuck up.
-%
-Why marry a virgin?  If she wasn't good enough for the rest of them
-then she isn't good enough for you.
-%
-Why not, for example, offer a brand-new Mustang convertible to every girl
-who consents to having her Fallopian tubes tied in a Gordian knot?  ... It
-would have the additional benefit of eliminating from the gene pool those
-stupid enough to consent to such a deal.
-		-- Edward Abbey
-%
-...why should you waste a single moment of *your* life seeming to be something
-you don't want to be?  Lord, that's so simple.  If you hate your job, quit it.
-If your friends are tedious, go out and find new friends.  You are queer, you
-lucky fool, and that makes you one of life's buccaneers, free from the clutter
-of 2000 years of Judeo-Christian sermonizing.  Stop feeling sorry for yourself
-and start raising your sails.  You haven't a moment to lose.
-		-- Edmund Carlevale
-%
-Willie, looking in the mirror,		Willie with the nursery shears
-Sucked the mercury off			Cut off both the baby's ears.
-Thinking in his childish error		To the baby so unsightly
-It would cure the whooping cough.	Mother raised her eyebrows slightly.
-
-At the funeral his weeping mother	In the family drinking well
-Sadly said to Mrs. Brown,		Willie pushed his sister, Nell.
-"'Twas a chilly day for Willie		She's there still because it killed her,
-When the mercury went down."		Now, we have to buy a filter.
-%
-Winning isn't everything, but losing really sucks.
-%
-With a bushel of apples, you can have
-a hell of a time with the doctor's wife.
-%
-Wok, n.:
-	Something to thwow at a wabbit.
-%
-Woman is: finally screwing and your groin and buttocks and thighs ache like
-hell and you're all wet and maybe bloody and it wasn't like a Hollywood
-movie at all but Jesus at least you're not a virgin any more but is this
-what it's all about?  And meanwhile, he's asking "Did you come?"
-		-- Robin Morgan, "Sisterhood Is Powerful"
-%
-Women -- can't live with 'em, can't leave 'em by the curb when you're done.
-%
-Women should be obscene and not heard.
-%
-Women think of being a man as a gift.  It is a duty.  Even making love can
-be a duty.  A man has always got to get it up, and love isn't always enough.
-		-- Norman Mailer
-%
-Women Unite!  Make *_h_i_m* sleep in the wet spot tonight!
-%
-Women who want to be equal to men lack imagination
-		-- Graffito in a women's restroom
-%
-Women's Libbers are OK.  I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.
-%
-Working hard around here is like pissing on yourself in a dark suit;
-you get a warm feeling but nobody notices.
-%
-Working here is like a pregnancy.
-After nine months you wish you hadn't come.
-%
-World War III is about to break out, but hidden somewhere in Switzerland,
-a small group of international statesmen are trying to avert disaster.
-The key members of this group are the representatives from Moscow, Bonn, and
-Jerusalem, who, despite their personal enmity, manage to forge a peaceful
-settlement, at the last moment.  As the treaty is signed, and the war
-postponed, almost entirely through the efforts of those three men, an angel
-appears. "The earth is saved through the efforts of these three men!
-Therefore, I will grant each of them their heart's desire!"
-	So, the angel asks the German for his wish, and the German, recalling
-the nearness of their disaster, and perceiving the cause to have been the
-Russians, immediately says "I wish there were no more Russians!"  And God
-said, "It will be done."
-	The angel asks the Russian for his wish, which, of course, is "*I*
-wish there were no more Germans!"  Replies the angel, "It will be done."
-	So the angel asks the Jew for his wish.  The Jew is in a state of
-shock. "Will you really grant the German's wish?" he asks, and the angel
-avers.  "And the Russian's, too?"  The angel avers yet again.  Then the Jew
-thinks a moment, leans back and says, "In that case, I think I'd like a small
-cup of coffee."
-%
-Would you mind terribly much if I asked you to take your silly-assed
-problem down the hall?
-%
-Would you rather have a 5-inch hard or an 8-inch floppy?
-%
-Writers do it between periods.
-%
-Xander:	Let me tell you something.  When it's dark, and I'm all alone,
-	and I'm scared, or freaked out, or whatever.  I always think,
-	"What would Buffy do?" You're my hero.  Ok, sometimes when it's
-	dark and I'm all alone I think, "What is Buffy wearing?"
-Buffy:	Can that be one of those things that you never ever tell me about?
-Xander:	It's a deal.
-		-- Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "The Freshman"
-		   Season 1, Episode 1
-%
-Yeah, I used to be into necrophilia, bestiality and sadism, but then I
-realized I was just flogging a dead horse.
-%
-Yes, that was Richard Nixon.  He used to be President.  When he left
-the White House, the Secret Service would count the silverware.
-		-- Woody Allen, "Sleeper"
-%
-Yesterday is a memory,
-	Tomorrow is a vision,
-		Today is a bitch!
-%
-You always introduce the younger person to the older person, using the
-wording:  "Miss Brown, I'd like to introduce you to an older person"
-(unless her name is not "Miss Brown").  If you do not know a person's
-age, ask for a driver's license and a major credit card.  If you are
-introduced to a member of a minority group, use the "high-five" style
-handshake, followed by a remark designed to show you don't mind a bit,
-such as "I see you are a (name of a minority group)!  Good!"
-		-- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
-%
-You and I as individuals can, by borrowing, live beyond our means, but
-only for a limited period of time.  Why should we think that collectively,
-as a nation, we are not bound by that same limitation?
-		-- Ronald Reagan
-%
-You are a tower of strength in the office, but only so-so in bed.
-%
-You are at a business lunch when you are suddenly overcome with an
-uncontrollable desire to pick your nose.  Since this is definitely a
-no-no, you:
-
-(a) Pretend to wave to someone across the room and with one fluid
-    motion, bury your forefinger in your nostril right up to the 4th
-    joint.
-
-(b) Get everyone drunk and organize a nose picking contest with a prize
-    to the one who makes his nose bleed first.
-
-(c) Drop your napkin on the floor, and when you bend over to pick it up,
-    blow your nose on your sock.
-%
-You are without a doubt a rogue, a rascal, a villain, a thief, a scoundrel,
-and a mean, dirty, stinking, sniveling, sneaking, pimping, pocketpicking,
-thrice double-damned, no-good son-of-a-bitch.
-%
-You are witty, charming, handsome and above average in length.
-%
-You better believe that marijuana can cause castration.  Just suppose
-your girlfriend gets the munchies!
-%
-You can beat my meat, but you can't lick my sauce!
-		-- Boss' Ribs, Portland, Oregon
-%
-You can find sympathy, in the dictionary, right near shit and suicide.
-%
-You can get used to living at a nudist camp.
-The first three days are the hardest.
-		-- R. Dreiser
-%
-You can lead a whore to Vasser, but you can't make her think.
-		-- Frederick B. Artz
-%
-You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't
-pick your friend's nose.
-%
-You can't underestimate the power of fear.
-		-- Tricia Nixon Cox
-%
-You come out of a woman and you spend the rest of your life trying to
-get back inside.
-		-- Heathcote Williams
-%
-You have been bitchy since Tuesday and you'll probably get fired today.
-%
-You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January
-and tell your boss that nobody but whores and football players live
-there.  He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay.  You:
-
-(a) Pretend you are suffering from amnesia and don't remember your
-    name.
-
-(b) Ask what position she played.
-
-(c) Ask if she is still working the streets.
-%
-You have to be a bastard to make it, and that's a fact.  And the Beatles
-are the biggest bastards on earth.
-		-- John Lennon
-%
-You have to regard everything I say with suspicion -- I may be trying
-to bullshit you, or I may just be bullshitting you inadvertently.
-		-- J. Wainwright, Mathematics 140b
-%
-You know the Norplant thing?  It's a new birth control device for women.
-It's a cartridge, that goes in your arm.  Well, they're coming out with
-a new one for men: it's a brain, that goes in your head.
-%
-You might get caught holding the bag.  Say she's your sister.
-%
-You pedophiliac sodomizer of ducklings!!
-%
-You see that fucking fish?
-If he'd kept his mouth shut, he wouldn'ta got caught.
-		-- Sam Giancana
-%
-You should be a hemorrhoid, you're such a pain in the ass.
-%
-You wanna play the dozens,
-Well, the dozens is a game,
-But the way I fuck your mother is an ass-wringing shame!
-		-- George Carlin
-%
-You will always have friends
-Some friends will peter out.
-But I'll always be your friend,
-Peter in or peter out.
-%
-You'll be a guest at a gay party.
-That will have important consequences for you.
-%
-Young men want to be faithful and are not;
-old men want to be faithless and cannot.
-		-- Oscar Wilde
-%
-Your boy/girl friend is *so* ugly that...
-
-	-- when you look up ugly in the dictionary, their picture's there.
-	-- it looks like their face caught fire and someone put it out
-		with an ice pick.
-	-- Nabisco used their face to model for animal cookies.
-	-- when they yelled "Rape", the guy screamed "No way!"
-	-- they were the birth control poster child.
-	-- when they were born, the doctor slapped their mother.
-	-- as a child, their parents tied a pork chop around her neck to
-		get the puppy to play with them.
-	-- they have to sneak up on a glass of water, just to get a drink!
-%
-Your chances of getting hit by lightning go up if you stand under a tree,
-shake your fist at the sky, and say, "Storms suck!"
-		-- Johnny Carson
-%
-Your first husband was the one you married while firmly believing that
-there are more important things in life than great sex.
-%
-YOUR FOAMY FUTURE
-	by Miss Fortune
-
-SCORPIO (October 24 - November 21)
-	"Hard work never killed anybody, but why take the chance?" is your
-motto.  You don't do much other than sleep, eat, down brewskis, and watch TV.
-Your friends and family are constantly pestering you to clean up your act.
-But it's OK, Scorpio.  A kick in the ass is at least one step forward.
-
-SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
-	You've been on a diet for two weeks and all you've lost is two weeks.
-My advice is to drink copius amounts of beer just to get the thought of food
-out of your mind.  Remember, a good reducing exercise consists of placing
-both hands against the table edge and pushing back.
-
-CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan 19)
-	Remember that day you had one beer too many and did something
-extremely foolish?  Now your friends are coming and going and your enemies
-accumulating.  Cheer up!  All is not lost.  It's better to be hated for
-what you are than loved for what you're not.
-%
-Your spooning days are over,
-	And your pilot light is out;
-When what used to be your sex appeal
-	Is now your water spout!
-%
-You're not an alcoholic unless you go to the meetings.
-%
-Yuck Foo.
-%
-Zippity doo dah, zippity ay,
-I just gave my sister's cherry away!
-To a couple of truckers from Erie P.A.,
-Zippity doo dah, zippity ay.
-		-- John Valby
-%
diff --git a/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.sp.ok b/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.sp.ok
deleted file mode 100644
index e7734c6ebe60..000000000000
--- a/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.sp.ok
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1,1700 +0,0 @@
-# $FreeBSD$
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-snowstorms
-Snyder's
-so's
-sociologist's
-sodomite
-sodomizer
-SofSqueeze
-SofSqueeze's
-soir
-soit
-solvo
-somethin
-Somoza
-sonna
-sonny's
-Sont
-soooo
-sorta
-sows
-Spaeth
-spake
-Spengler
-Sperling's
-spikey
-spluttering
-spoilspurt
-sportin
-sportscar
-sportscars
-sportscaster
-Spraints
-squaws
-Sta
-stagecoaches
-standin
-starkle
-stat
-Statim
-staya
-STDs
-Steinem
-Steinman
-Stendhal
-Stickin
-Stiffy
-stincas
-stinkfinger
-Stockmayer's
-stormclouds
-straights
-Strensall
-stroganoff
-Strumpets
-Stupidda
-subuseless
-sucha
-suckin
-sucky
-suh
-SUN's
-sunbathing
-sunbelts
-sunday
-Sunnydale
-Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius
-superpowers
-suppositories
-suraigus
-surgle
-suuure
-svebo
-SWBiM
-Swearingen
-sweep's
-swing's
-Symons
-sympatico
-t'was
-t'wixt
-tabble
-Tadger
-Taffy's
-talka
-talkin
-Tallulah
-TAMOMEH
-tampons
-tard
-tatters
-TCU
-teddy
-Teddy's
-tee'd
-teed
-TEEGZ
-teepee
-tella
-telly
-tenderizer
-Tenerief
-Tertullian
-Texan's
-Thackeray
-thacramento
-thailor
-thair
-thatta
-THC
-Thcuse
-thea
-theatre
-theem
-thekth
-them's
-thet
-thet's
-thid
-thidee
-thinkle
-thit
-thith
-Thorpes
-Thrale
-thumpers
-thure
-thurstay
-thwim
-thwow
-tibble
-Tiegs
-Tierra
-TIKEH
-Timbuktu
-Timer's
-Tinky
-tinyest
-Tinz
-tis
-titties
-tiu
-togethers
-Tomlin
-tonsillectomy
-tooties
-torte
-Toujours
-tous
-Townshend
-Toynbee
-transsexual
-transsexuals
-transvestites
-trashcan
-tres
-Trieste
-triffid
-triggle
-trois
-trou
-Trouser's
-truffles
-tryin
-Tsk
-Tulit
-Tull
-tumbledown
-TUPEHMAN
-tupperware
-Twas
-twats
-Twinkie
-Twinkies
-twitt'ring
-Tylenol
-Ubaldini
-UFOs
-Uh
-Uhura
-ulation
-ulcerous
-ummm
-umount
-une
-unfastens
-unflappable
-unlatched
-Unlusted
-uno
-unzip
-unzipped
-unzipping
-upbraided
-urgin
-urgin's
-usherette's
-usonan
-UUOs
-Uzbeks
-VA
-vaginae
-vagine
-Valby
-vampire's
-Vanbrugh
-vaseux
-Vasser
-Vavasour
-VAX's
-VD
-velcro
-venait
-veni
-verborumque
-verumque
-vet's
-Vette
-veux
-VI's
-vibrators
-vici
-Vida
-vidi
-virginem
-Visme
-viziti
-voir
-Volby
-volebat
-von
-Vonnegut
-vous
-VRAAAARRRRRK
-Vries
-waaaahmmmb
-Waal
-wabbit
-Wadd
-Waggying
-wald
-Waldheimers
-Walka
-walkin
-wangs
-wanna
-WASP's
-WASPs
-Waterin
-Watt's
-wedgies
-Weellll
-weightbearing
-Weinberger
-Wellesleysnatch
-Werderobe
-Whaddaya
-Whalen
-whanger
-What'll
-whatchamacalit
-Whatsa
-whatta
-Wheaties
-where'd'ja
-Whhoooooooeeeeeeeeeee
-Whhoooosh
-whiffed
-whimsy
-whirlers
-White's
-Whitehorn
-WHOAH
-Whoopie
-whorehouse
-Whut's
-Why'd
-widda
-wifey
-Wiggam
-Wilde
-wildebeest
-wilds
-Wimbleton
-wimmen
-Windex
-Wittgenstein
-wonderin
-woooooommmb
-workbone
-workin
-wouldja
-wouldn'ta
-Wousy
-Wozniak
-wrestler's
-wrestlers
-wrigglin
-wuz
-Xander
-XXX
-Y'got
-y'know
-Yaaaay
-yaki
-yamalchas
-yankee
-Ybarra
-Yeh
-Yoni
-ysror
-Yuletide
-Yum
-ZAGNUTS
-Zappa
-Zarathustra
-Zealanders
-Zeiger
-Zevon
-zippity
-zitfaced
-zits
-Zukav
diff --git a/games/fortune/datfiles/freebsd-tips b/games/fortune/datfiles/freebsd-tips
index f2a0bd2ccf68..c39dd0fd7d95 100644
--- a/games/fortune/datfiles/freebsd-tips
+++ b/games/fortune/datfiles/freebsd-tips
@@ -373,16 +373,6 @@ modes.
 %
 You can disable tcsh's terminal beep if you `set nobeep'.
 %
-You can get a good generic server install by using the
-instant-server port/package.  If you have ports installed, you can
-install it by doing
-
-	# cd /usr/ports/misc/instant-server
-	# make install && make clean
-
-as root.  This will install a collection of packages that is appropriate for
-running a "generic" server.
-%
 You can install extra packages for FreeBSD by using the ports system.
 If you have installed it, you can download, compile, and install software by
 just typing